Conquering Chaos

by Catelynn Lowell

  There was no big production about it. All I did was walk up beside her and take her hand. Of course, that took some nerve. I was terrified. It was the scariest thing I’d ever done in my thirteen-year-old life. But I made up my mind that that was the way to do it: I was going to run up and grab her hand, and if she let go, well...I couldn’t plan that far ahead. But I went for it.

  Catelynn just held my hand back. We didn’t even look at each other. That was just it. We just walked on ahead, holding hands, and we’ve been together ever since.

  No Ordinary Middle School Romance

  Catelynn:

  I fell for Tyler because he was always making me laugh. Whether he was writing funny notes to me, cracking jokes in class, clowning around with his friends, he always brought this fun, positive energy to the room. I was a social kid, but I was pretty shy and reserved. I loved that he was funny and outgoing. It helped bring out bigger parts of my personality, too.

  From the very beginning of our relationship, Tyler and I have had a strong bond. Not just as boyfriend and girlfriend, but as really good friends. No relationship is perfect, but even back then, we had a connection and concern for each other that was really different from what we saw in other couples around us.

  People think junior high relationships are no big deal, and maybe they’re usually not. A lot of our friends at the time were going through relationships one after the other, dating just to date. But Tyler and I weren’t like that. When we got together, we didn’t feel like messing around. Even at such a young age, we somehow brought out these grown-up, serious instincts in each other. Suddenly it was clear that we both wanted a long-lasting relationship, someone who would be there forever. Of course, we didn’t know how to handle that kind of goal right away, and there was a time early on when we broke up for awhile and each dated someone else. But we got right back together, because we both wanted to be serious and we had what we wanted with each other.

  Tyler:

  We started the relationship with a promise to be honest and open. We each brought out something in each other: Cate mellowed me out, and I inspired her to be more outgoing. But we had to stumble around a little bit to find that balance. I’ve always had a strong personality and always speak my mind. Catelynn, on the other hand, is a natural people-pleaser and grew up doing anything to avoid conflict.

  I didn’t want to steamroll over her, and I didn’t want her to hide her feelings and opinions from me. So I put my big mouth to use and told her, “Hey, if you don’t like something, you have to tell me. Don’t just agree with me to make me happy.” God gave you a mouth for a reason!

  Catelynn:

  It was really hard for me to get used to Tyler’s kind of honesty. I was not the kind of person who stood up to speak my mind whenever I wanted. Growing up in an unstable house, it was always my job to be a peacemaker and saying whatever I needed to say to make things go smoothly. The last thing I ever wanted to do was make waves, hurt feelings, or cause a fight.

  For awhile, I tried the same thing with Tyler. Whenever we had a disagreement, I would always choose the path of least resistance and go along with what he said. To me, it wasn’t even something I expected people to notice. It was just second nature to choose the path of least resistance. But one day, all of a sudden, Tyler came out and said, “Okay, this is annoying.”

  Tyler:

  It wasn’t an argument — we never really argued or fought, and it’s still very rare — but it was definitely our first big talk. The problem was that I could tell she wasn’t speaking her mind to me, and she was always holding in what she really wanted. For example, I’d suggest doing something that I knew she really wanted to do, and I’d ask her what she thought. And without fail, she’d never say, “Yes, I want to do that.” She’d say, “Whatever you want to do.” And if I said, “Okay, let’s not do it,” she’d agree with me, even though I knew she was disappointed! I couldn’t understand it. When I asked what she wanted, it was because I wanted to know! Finally I just couldn’t take it anymore, and I had to bring it up.

  I said, “Listen, I’m not into this thing where you say ‘yes’ and agree to everything I say. I can’t have you pretending you’re okay with something when you’re not. That doesn’t make me happy. I don’t want to be with someone who goes along with everything I say. I want a girl who has her own voice and is confident about it. You can’t be afraid to disagree with me.”

  Cate’s reaction was the funniest thing. She had a surprised look on her face, like the idea had never even occurred to her before. And when I was done she just shrugged and said, “Okay.”

  “Can you do that?” I asked her. “Can you actually say what you want so we’re not just always going with what I want?”

  “Well,” she said. “Shit, yeah, I can do that.”

  Catelynn:

  After that, my habits completely changed. It was like I was just waiting for someone to tell me it was okay to speak my mind. The thing was, no one ever really had. Not like that. I know it had a lot to do with my upbringing and home life: When I got together with Tyler, I’d already lived in ten different places, and I was used to living in unstable, unpredictable, emotional situations. So speaking my mind and sharing my feelings just wasn’t at the top of my list of survival skills. It wasn’t something that had gotten positive results in the past.

  But to have someone tell me for the first time that he really wanted me to disagree with him sometimes, that he cared about my point of view, was a big deal for me. That was one big way that our relationship empowered me from the start. And once I got the hang of it, it was on! I was objecting to things left and right. And if Tyler ever acted surprised, I was quick to say, “Hey, you told me to!”

  I know a lot of people struggle with this same thing. They try to hide certain thoughts or feelings because they’re afraid of how their partner will react. But Tyler and I made communication a priority from the start, and when we had an issue, we worked it out like friends. We’ve always been good at talking to one another and figuring out what to do as a team.

  Tyler:

  It hasn’t always been easy to figure each other out. Regardless of age, the first couple of years of any relationship are about getting to know how the other person works. How do they process their feelings? What stresses them out? What makes them feel safe? What parts of their personality or my personality are causing issues? What’s the best way to stop our differences from coming between us? It’s different for every couple.

  Catelynn:

  In our case, learning how to be honest with each other made our relationship strong. Since we weren’t hiding how we really thought and felt, we were able to trust and know each other better. And that made us want to solve problems together. When you’re open to the other person’s unique point of view, you double your power to figure things out.

  It was never about erasing the differences between us. Not at all. I’m more reserved and easygoing and he’s more outgoing and loud, and we pull each other out of our comfort zones. I’ve taught him how to calm down and not get anxious or mad about the little things that he used to get mad about. And he’s taught me how to get a little tougher about what I want. And when we’re facing something difficult, we each bring a different perspective to every situation that the other person wouldn’t naturally think about. That’s what teamwork is all about.

  Tyler:

  We’ve both mutually benefited from what we taught each other. We started working on this stuff when we were just kids, really. We’ve been a team for a long time, and the bond we have together matured as we grew up. We’re not perfect, and we’ve had some rough patches. But once we figured out how well we worked as a team, we tried to keep that going. Neither of us ever had any interest in being one of those couples who fight hardcore all the time. What’s the point?

  Catelynn:

  We’ve never been a fighting couple. We’re just not interested in making each other miserable like that. In the first years of the relationship, we did
n’t argue much at all. If we did, we were probably drunk and laughed about it later! Basically, when we had a problem, we talked it out. That was our rule, and it still is.

  Since we’ve gotten older and started dealing with more adult stress and challenges, we’ve had some bickering here and there. But overall, we can remember maybe six fights we’ve gotten into. Most of them happened in the years after we’d placed our daughter Carly for adoption. Those were some overwhelming times, and we’re human. But for the most part, and definitely for the important parts, we’ve been a team since day one. Not only are we proud of that, but we’re thankful for it every day. Without each other, who knows how we would have come as far as we have?

  Tyler:

  Just imagine if I hadn’t grabbed her hand.

  Catelynn:

  Yeah, just imagine if I hadn’t let him!

  Closing Thoughts

  From the very beginning and continuing to this day, we get asked for relationship advice. Even our parents ask us! We try to give the best advice we can, but all we can really do is share what we’ve learned from our own experiences. Every single time, it boils down to a few important things.

  First, be with the person you want to be with. Don’t just date to date, or date because you’re afraid to be alone. A good relationship is based on mutual love and dedication, and that’s all there is to it.

  Second, honesty is absolutely necessary in a relationship. Be open about your feelings and what you want, and make sure the other person feels safe doing the same thing with you. Don’t let problems build up in silence because you’re afraid to bring them up. That’s like throwing a grenade under the rug. It will blow up later, and it’ll cause a lot more destruction than if you would have just talked it out in the first place.

  Third, be kind to each other. Never say or do things just to hurt the other person. If you’re lucky enough to be with someone who trusts you enough to show you their weaknesses, the worst thing you can possibly do is turn around and use that against them. No low blows. Ever.

  Fourth, respect the other person’s point of view. Even if you don’t agree with what they’re saying, try to see where they’re coming from. In the end you might have to agree to disagree, but at least you’ll know you respected each other enough to try and understand why. And who knows? They might be seeing something important from their point of view that you just weren’t able to see from yours.

  These things are all easier said than done. Emotions can get in the way, and people make mistakes. That’s why relationships are hard! But if you work together with love, honesty, kindness and respect, you can take on the world as a team. Like we always say, we can only speak from our own experience. But working on these good habits made our relationship a source of strength that got us through the most difficult experiences of our lives. In the years since we joined hands for the first time, we’ve had to draw on that strength many, many times. If we hadn’t been able to turn to each other when times were dark, who knows where we would be now? Probably not writing this book!

  CHAPTER 2:

  * * *

  “ BAD KIDS ”

  Ever looked at a young person and saw something in them that made you say, “That’s a good kid”? We’ve heard that said about us a few times in the years since we started sharing our lives in the public eye. “They’re good kids.” It makes us feel good to hear that, but it also makes us wonder sometimes: What does that mean, really, to be a “good kid”? People make it sound like it’s something you either are or you aren’t. Like there’s some sign they can spot early on that says, “This kid is gonna grow up right.” Sometimes they’re right. And it’s a nice thing for a kid to hear, that they’re “good” — and it gives them pride, something to live up to.

  But we wouldn’t have that idea of “good kids” if we didn’t have an idea of “bad kids” to compare it to. And for every kid in school who grows up hearing they’re good, there’s another one wearing the other label. You can probably think of one right now. Maybe you’re a teacher and you’ve got a boy in your class who just has no respect for rules or authority. Maybe you remember a girl from seventh grade with a mean streak who was always picking on other kids. Maybe you’re a parent with a teenager whose only goal in life seems to be to make your life miserable.

  Or maybe you were a “bad kid.” Like us.

  Yep. That’s right. People don’t seem to take it seriously when we tell them, but it’s true: We didn’t start out as the “good kids” we might have come across as on TV. Hell no! Back in the day, we were more like the ones the “good kids” weren’t allowed to hang out with. The fact is if you’d seen us before MTV, back in junior high or even in elementary school, your first thought probably wouldn’t have been, “Those kids are definitely gonna turn out right.” More likely you would have shaken your head. You might not have come right out and called us “bad kids,” but that’s what plenty of people thought we were.

  We like to think we’ve proved them wrong.

  See, it’s never as simple as “good kids” and “bad kids.” That kid in kindergarten tearing up all his notebooks and yelling at the teacher? He might be the most sensitive kid in class, if he could just figure out how to channel that energy. That first-grader with the sweet manners who always follows instructions? She might have problems at home that’ll drive her to drugs by the time she’s twenty. Kids are complicated. You can’t just look at them and think you know what’s going on inside, and you definitely can’t say for sure how they’re going to turn out.

  We’re glad people think we’re good kids now. And we sure as hell don’t want to change anybody’s mind! But since we’re lucky enough to have all these people listening to us with open minds, we want to show the rest of the story. We want to give you a chance to reconsider that whole idea of “good kids” and “bad kids,” and how much people can change.

  Daycare Delinquents and School Slackers

  Tyler:

  Trouble started early with me. I got kicked out of every daycare I was ever in. How, right? Well, I was very defiant toward any kind of authoritative figure. Even before I was five years old I remember thinking in my head, “What gives you the right to tell me what to do? Who gave you the title to tell me that I’m wrong because I don’t agree with what you’re saying? Just because you were born a few years before me?” I just wanted to battle them constantly: Cops, teachers, parents, anybody in charge.

  The first time I remember really getting into it with a teacher was at a monastery daycare. It was run by nuns, and the place had a strict, crazy, cultish atmosphere. It wasn’t the right place for me from the start, to put it bluntly. For example, when you got in trouble, the nuns used to put you in an extreme time-out. They’d lock you in this little room with the lights off, nothing but a filing cabinet and a chair facing the window, and they’d tell you to sit there quietly, think about what you did, and pray.

  That wasn’t working for me. As soon as I knew the door was locked, I started kicking it as hard as I could. I kicked it and kicked it and kicked it. Nuns are really patient, you know. They probably thought I’d wear myself out. So they let me kick my heart out…until the wood started cracking. Then it was on. When the nun opened the door, she was really upset, but I was in beast mode: I got a hold of that filing cabinet and shoved the whole thing over. Even worse, the corner of that thing nicked the nun’s arm, and she freaked out. That was it for monastery daycare. It was like, “Take your crazy devil son and get the hell out of here!”

  That last daycare, though, that worked out. It was the first one I didn’t get kicked out of, which was good, since it was the last one left in the county. The woman in charge was named Debbie, and she worked a miracle on me. All she really did was take the time to talk to me, individually, instead of just making me part of the group. She never just treated kids as kids. She tried to understand them and communicate with them. When she told me to do something and I said “I don’t wanna do that,” she didn’t just say “Well you h
ave to.” She said, “Well, why not? Why don’t you wanna do that?”

  That worked like magic. I did great at that daycare! I was there for about a year, right up until my mom saved up enough to buy a house and we packed up and moved forty miles away. The last day I was at daycare, that teacher was bawling her eyes out. When I left she told me, “I will never, ever, ever forget you. I will remember you for the rest of my life.” I said the same thing to her, and it was true. I do still remember everything she did for me at that crazy time in my childhood. So Debbie, thank you.

  I did fine when I felt like someone was actually hearing me. I just didn’t like being told what to do without a civil conversation. And honestly, that was the theme that repeated over the course of my years at school. I didn’t even make it through second grade before the trouble start up again. Some kid had knocked over my crayons and spilled them all over the floor, and I told him to pick them up. Of course he said no. So we started to fight about it, and when the teacher noticed, she said, “Tyler, pick your crayons up.” Well, that wasn’t fair. I wasn’t the one who dropped them! So I refused, I got defiant, and bam. I was suspended.

  The second time I got suspended . . . well, we’ll save that for another chapter.

  Catelynn:

  I didn’t really have problems in school. Well, my grades sucked. I guess that’s a pretty big problem. But as far as fighting with teachers, I didn’t have the same experience as Tyler at all. I was a really laid back person at school. I didn’t act up in class or make people mad. My problem was just being a social butterfly. All I really cared about at school was hanging out and talking with my friends. So it was fine for me.

  My social life was important, because I didn’t really like going home. There was just no stability. That was how I got away with failing everything all the way through middle school. My mom just wasn’t involved. She wasn’t going to meetings with the teachers to see what my issues were, or showing up to parent-teacher conferences. Nobody ever made a big deal out of it or tried to get me to straighten up my grades. Well, a few teachers tried to help me out, of course, but it didn’t really matter. Seriously, I failed everything. Our middle school didn’t kick anyone out for bad grades, so they just pushed me on through. I didn’t start doing well until later, in high school. For the most part I just floated through school and focused on hanging out with my friends, because that was where I could relax and be myself.