Free as a Bird

by Gina McMurchy-Barber

  Funny thing bout learnin — it made me wanna think all the time. I still dint knowed much on account of me not bein so smart — but I had a feelin maybe I could learn to be a liddle smarter — specially if people like Mrs. Gentry helped me.

  Millie was happier too cause I dint bite any more an the doctors stopped askin her questions bout me. After a while she said I dint have to wear the leash. Nother good thing happened too — Morris got sick an stayed away for a long time. Gramma used to tell me that jus cause I dint like somebody I still shouldn’t think bad thoughts bout em. So I thought a good thought bout Morris — like how it was good he was sick an had to stay away.

  Nother thing started happenin — the days got longer an the sun got hotter. Then the trees got leaves an the new flowers started pokin up from the dark ground. Mrs. Gentry showed me how to pull weeds from the garden an taught me some names of flowers too. The yellow ones with the liddle cups were called daffodils. An the ones that looked like tiny purple stars were periwinkle. An my favourite was the big flowers that looked like pink fireworks — rododo somethin.

  One mornin I was sittin in the day room with Susan, waitin for Mrs. Gentry to come get me. The TV was on like usual — As the World Turns was jus gettin started. Dr. Hughes was still mad at Jessica for pushin his wife into the swimmin pool. But I wasn’t interested in none of that — nope, cause I was busy thinkin. Thinkin bout lotsa things, like how many eggs you gotta have for makin pancakes, an why some plants are called flowers an others called weeds, an what happens if you put in more than one cup of laundry detergent into the washin machine, and what tastes bedder on toast — strawberry jam or honey. Nother thing I was thinkin bout was how I still wanted to learn to bake Mrs. Jiffy muffins an how I liked bein in the liddle brown house better than on Ward 33.

  With all that thinkin I was surprised when I looked up an saw Mrs. Gentry an Millie standin right front of me. Side em was two guys — lab coats, Morris always called em. One of em was short as me an had no hair. The other was skinny an had lots of hairs — mostly inside his nose an ears.

  “Doctors, this is the girl,” Millie said. “Ruby Jean, get up. You’re coming with us today.”

  Nobody was smilin so I got fraid I was in big trouble. I started to twist an scratch my hands. But Mrs. Gentry touched my shoulder an whispered, “Nothing to be afraid of, dear.”

  Millie held my hand an took me downstairs to a big room. It had the same green floor as Ward 33, but the walls was pink instead. An there was a big table in the room with lotsa chairs. Millie told me to sit at the end. She and Mrs. Gentry sat on one side an the doctors sat on the other.

  “Ruby Jean, I’m Dr. Lennox and this is Dr. Martin. We’re here today because Mrs. Gentry has submitted an application on your behalf, requesting that this institution consider you a candidate for placement in a community setting. During the course of this interview, we intend to determine whether you’re ready for such a major step.”

  I had a hard time followin the doctors’ words on account of me not bein so smart — an on account of me bein busy watchin his long moustache go up an down like a little hairy critter stuck on his lip. Gramma used to call moustaches cookie dusters, but I never could think of why anyone would wanna dust their cookies.

  “After this interview, we’ll evaluate your case, come up with our recommendation, and provide our response to this request,” Dr. Lennox said. “So are you ready to begin?”

  I still dint understand an looked over at Mrs. Gentry for help. Her eyes looked like I never seen em before — dark as a stormy winter day.

  “In less highfalutin words, what the doctor means, Ruby Jean, is we’re going to have a friendly talk about the things you’ve been learning, how happy you’ve been lately, and if it’s a good idea for you to move out of Woodlands and into a home.”

  I smiled at Mrs. Gentry. Her words made lots more sense. For a long time she’d had a idea that I should leave Woodlands an live someplace else. At first I dint believe that could happen, but I was startin to get the idea maybe I really could leave one day. When I looked at Dr. Lennox his face had turned splotchy red.

  “Ah, thank you, Mrs. Gentry. Now shall we begin?”

  We was all in that liddle room for a long, long time. Mostly, Mrs. Gentry, Millie, an Dr. Lennox did the talkin. The other doctor did lots a writin on paper. Dr. Lennox sure asked lots a questions bout me. Millie told bout all the bad things I done an Mrs. Gentry told bout all the good things. But with all that talkin my eyes dint wanna stay open for long — nope, I got sleepy an full of imaginations.

  I had a nice dream that I gotta wear a pink-flowered shirt every day. An I made toast an tea for breakfast cause that’s what I wanted to eat — not cold porridge. Susan an me went to the store an I bought her a pink band for her hair. Then we vizzided Norval an brought him muffins I made by myself. In my dream nobody told me what to do — I got to do whatever I wanted …

  “Ruby Jean, are you listening?” Millie asked.

  Oh-oh — I wasn’t listenin a’tall. I looked up at Millie whose eyes was small an narrow again.

  “For heaven’s sake, wipe the drool off your lip, girl, and sit up.” I rubbed my mouth on my sleeve an tried to listen bedder. “The doctor needs to know if you can do what you’re told.” Millie looked at the doctors. I wondered if they knowed bout me not bein so smart. “Don’t expect much. This patient can be quite uncooperative.”

  “Well, if that’s the case, then we’re all wasting our time, aren’t we?” Dr. Lennox said. “But, on the other hand, if these reports are accurate, I’d say we should see what Ruby Jean has learned in the program and whether she’s capable of learning more. So let’s get started, Mrs. Gentry.”

  “There’s nothing to be concerned about, Ruby Jean,” whispered Mrs. Gentry. Then she said out loud, “Now, Ruby Jean, would you please untie your shoes and take them off.”

  I dint knowed why she asked me to do that. But I always did what Mrs. Gentry asked me too — that’s cause I liked her … an cause she liked me too. I pulled apart the laces on both my shoes an loosened em. Then I pulled back the tongue jus like I was sposed to do an took em off my feet.

  “That’s wonderful, dear. Now, if you don’t mind, will you show us how well you can put them on again and then tie your laces?”

  Mrs. Gentry was bein silly. Yup, awful silly — first she asked me to take my shoes off an then to put em back on again. But it dint matter if it was silly, I did what Mrs. Gentry asked.

  In my head I said the shoelace song she taught me: “Criss Cross an under the bridge, gotta pull it tight. Make a loop but keep a tail, that is how to do it right. Then I take the other string, wrap it round the loop. Pull it through the peepin hole, now you’ve got the scoop.”

  “That’s all very well, Mrs. Gentry,” Millie said. “But being able to tie her own shoes doesn’t mean she’s equipped to live outside Woodlands. Quite frankly, I find this all —”

  Dr. Lennox shushed Millie. “Please continue, Ruby Jean.” This time it was Millie’s face that got splotchy red.

  After that I showed em how I can button up buttons an zip zippers an tell red from pink and blue from green. I used the tatoe peeler to take the skin off the tatoe, an cut a carrot into little bits. Finally, Dr. Lennox told me to use the telephone to call Mrs. Gentry. I dint think that was a good idea cause she was sittin in the chair side me, but I dialled her number anyways. Course I knowed she wasn’t gunna answer the telephone — nope, not a’tall.

  After I did all em things everybody stopped payin attention to me an started talkin between themselves. Dr. Lennox said stuff like “cognitive power” and “supervised independent living” and “societal risk.” An Mrs. Gentry talked bout “nurturing environment” an “freedom to grow.”

  Millie jus kept sayin, “It’ll never work. It’ll never work.”

  All that talkin was jus makin me sleepy gain. The only thing I knowed for sure was Mrs. Gentry was tellin em all I should leave Woodlands an live in a house. Not Mi
llie. She said, “Ridiculous.”

  “Thank you, Ruby Jean, for your patience,” Dr. Lennox said. “And thank you everyone else for contributing to this meeting. Dr. Martin and I will take some time to review everything we’ve learned here today and come up with our recommendation.”

  When Dr. Lennox was finished talkin, Millie took my hand an we started to leave the room.

  “Oh, Nurse, before you go, can you tell us why this girl is mute?” Dr. Lennox asked Millie.

  “Nobody knows why, Doctor. She just stopped talking soon after coming here.”

  “I see. Well, if she’s going to cope in the community, she’ll need a way to communicate her needs. This might be a problem.”

  “That’s something I intend to work on with her, Dr. Lennox,” Mrs. Gentry said. “From what her previous life-skills worker reported, she was just beginning to speak again. I believe it’s an issue of trust.”

  Millie huffed loud an rolled her eyes at Mrs. Gentry. “Ruby Jean hasn’t spoken a word in all the years I’ve known her. And I wouldn’t believe a thing the previous worker had to say. After all, she was fired. If you ask me, the chances Ruby Jean will ever talk are about as likely as a bunch of monkeys learning to sing.”

  I looked up at Mrs. Gentry. She jus smiled an winked at me. “We’ll see,” she whispered in my ear.

  chapter 6

  “Time to get up, Ruby Jean. Today’s the big day.” I wondered why Bernice was wakin us up an not Millie. That morning the room was so full of sunshine we dint even need the big ceilin light. “Come on, everyone. Shirley, you too. Time to get up.”

  Shirley rubbed her eyes an sat up an looked at me. “Poor, Ruby Jean. Poor, poor Ruby Jean. First Paulina went dead, and lost her head and couldn’t get up in the morning. Now poor Ruby Jean going away today. Shirley is sad, so, so sad. Poor Shirley.”

  “Oh, hush, Shirley,” Bernice said. “Paulina didn’t lose her head. And besides, Ruby Jean might not like living out there — away from Woodlands and all her friends. She might come back — right, Ruby Jean?”

  I dint answer Bernice, an she dint spect me to. But if I did talk I think I would’ve told her I’m gunna try real hard to never come back to this place — nope, never.

  Three sleeps ago, Dr. Lennox came to Ward 33. He sat with me an Millie at the long table in the meetin room. He told us the doctors said it was okay for me to move oudda Woodlands on a try basis — that’s if I behaved. I think he was sayin if I dint hurt myself or others I wouldn’t have to come back. Millie told him he was makin a mistake.

  “We have patients much more capable than Ruby Jean.” I guess Millie said that on account of me not bein so smart. “Besides, Ruby Jean is much too unpredictable.”

  “Well, it was you who chose Ruby Jean for the independent living program,” Dr. Lennox said. “Were you just trying to sabotage it?”

  “Of course not. I just didn’t think they were actually going to put one of my kids out there.”

  “It sounds like you not only underestimated the goals of the program, but you underestimated Ruby Jean,” Dr. Lennox said.

  Millie dint answer the doctor, but her face got red as tomadoes.

  After Dr. Lennox left, Mrs. Gentry came to see me. She told me I would be livin with Mr. an Mrs. Williams. She said they had kids, but the kids were all growed up. They was a gramma an grampa too. I liked that — never had a grampa before.

  “This is going to be a wonderful new life for you, Ruby Jean. But I want you to know it’s not going to be easy. There’s a lot for you to learn, things that will seem strange and scary to you. And people — well, not all of them will accept you. Some will be afraid, others will just be plain old mean. That’s because they don’t know any better, dear. But we’re going to change that, right?”

  After I got up that mornin Bernice put a small box on my bed. I opened the top an looked inside an saw some folded clothes. “Those things should do you until you get more.” I was happy cause the pink-flowered shirt was in the box. Then Bernice unlocked the small drawer inside the closet with my name on it. “You’ll want to take these things too.”

  I smiled so big when she brought out Barbra. I nearly forgot bout my best old doll. Her head was nearly bald an her priddy dress ripped cause of all em days an nights I held her tight. After I got bigger I guess I stopped needin her so much. But jus cause she was bald an dirddy dint mean I’d stopped lovin her. I hugged Barbra tight an then put her into the box carefully.

  There was other things in that drawer I dint member I had — a wallet with no money, a cup that said ruby jean, an liddle pine cones I got from the park where Willy Bennett got buried. All em things I put into the box nex to Barbra. The nex thing Bernice pulled oudda the drawer made me clap my hands — it was the golden locket Gramma gave me jus fore she went to heaven in the amblance. I opened the liddle door an inside was a picture of me an her in our back garden. I was eight the last time I saw my locket — that’s cause we dint wear jewellery at Woodlands. Bernice put the locket in my box with Barbra. Finally, Bernice took some pictures out. Fore she put em in my box she let me look at em.

  I smiled at the one of me an Gramma sittin by the Christmas tree. I membered that time real good. Then I looked at the other pictures — there was Mom an me sittin on the couch at Harold’s office … one of me standin side of Mom an Harold on their weddin day — they was holdin hands an smiling, but I had tears in my eyes … an the last one was of Mom an baby Harold.

  I took the picture of Gramma an put it in my box. The other ones I put back inside the drawer an closed it.

  “We’re ready!” someone shouted from down the hall.

  “All right, time for breakfast, Ruby Jean. Come on, Shirley, you too.”

  I followed Bernice down to the cafeteria and wondered if I’d be eatin cold porridge an warm milk at my new home too. When we walked in to the room people shouted, “Surprise!” Yup, that’s what they said — “Surprise!” All of em Ward 33 kids were smilin an wavin. Susan was there an some uniforms too, like Tom an Roy an Bernice an Dr. Martin — Mrs. Gentry too. They all looked happy. I looked round the room but couldn’t see Millie nowhere — she was day shift an supposed to be there.

  All round the cafeteria was balloons an a big sign. Bernice told me it said GOOD LUCK, RUBY JEAN. I could tell the part that said Ruby Jean.

  “We wish you all the best and hope you’ll remember your friends back here at Woodlands,” Tom said when the kids got quiet. “We have a little going-away present for you.”

  He put a box on my lap. It had a pink bow on top an the paper was shiny. I loved my present an held it tight. I used ta get presents from Gramma — but that was a long time ago.

  “C’mon, open it, Ruby Jean,” Tom said.

  I dint want to open my present cause it looked so priddy jus like it was. But the people was all sayin, “Open the present, open the present.” So I decided if I was real careful I could take the paper off without tearing it.

  Then Morris came over an said, “My toenails grow faster than this. Here, let me help you.” Then he tore my present open an threw my shiny paper on the floor.

  I dint bite no more, that’s cause I hardly ever got mad. But when Morris tore my paper an throwed it on the floor I sure hadda feelin I wanted to bite him. But I dint — nope, jus had a big feelin bout it.

  The box on my lap had a picture of shoes. I thought it was sure nice to have new shoes. But then I opened the box an there was no shoes inside — nope, no shoes a’tall. Instead there was other things — like a mirror, a hairbrush, a toothbrush, an a new tube of toothpaste all for me, an a liddle bag to hold all those things. There was some coloured paper an pens too an a box of candy.

  At the bottom was two more small presents wrapped in priddy paper. I took the paper off the first one quick an put it on my lap so’s Morris couldn’t rip it. Inside was lots an lots of things for my hair, like clips, an ribbons, an hair bands — a pink one, a blue one with bows, an two white ones. None as priddy as the one Grace
gave me, but I was happy cause they was mine for keeps.

  I opened the second present. It was a picture of all us Ward 33 kids — yup, it had me an Susan an Norval an the others too. I membered that day — the day we were all smilin for the camera. It was summer an there was a big celebration. We all got to eat hamburgers an cake an wish Canada a happy birthday. I membered that day, cause we was happy.

  I never had a party jus for me before — a party with presents an laughin. My face felt awful warm, jus like my insides. I only wished Grace an Gramma could’ve been there to see me so happy — an I dunno why, but I wished Millie was there too.

  Priddy soon it was time to hug my friends goodbye. Shirley wasn’t happy that I was goin. She said, “Poor Ruby Jean. She’s going away, going away like Paulina.” But then she got happy when I gave her one of my white hair bands.

  At last I said goodbye to Susan. I looked in her eyes an could tell she looked happy for me. I hoped she would get oudda Woodlands one day too … maybe come live with me and the Williamses. I opened my shoebox an handed her my pink hair band — that’s cause it was the priddiest. She laughed when Bernice put it on her head.

  “Well, it’s time to go, luv,” said Mrs. Gentry.

  As we walked long that hall with the polished green floor an matching walls, Mrs. Gentry held my hand. It was a good thing too cause I was feelin nervous an a liddle wobbly on my feet. Some of em kids patted me as I walked away. I had a last look inside the rooms with the barred windows and meddal beds. Funny thing bout that … I could see myself in em rooms an I was eight again.

  I turned an waved to everyone down at the day room. Just when I was bout to go through that locked meddal door for the last time I saw Millie. I waved, but she dint wave back — nope, just watched me leave.