Heat

by Lis Lucassen

  The heat felt stifling. According to the weather report, the temperatures would stay in the hundreds for a few more days before the rains came. He was looking forward to rain. Rain showers were a good excuse to stay indoors.

  A shrieking flock of seagulls neared the boat. He threw the last bit of his sandwich up in the air and watched the largest bird in the troupe swoop down to snatch it up with his beak. The sea water drummed on the sides of the boat in an inimitable rhythm of thousands and thousands of fingers. Dan drew a deep breath, then exhaled slowly. The sound had a calming effect on him. Not the kind of effect he’d felt after the morphine. The peace wasn’t as all-pervading as the stillness he’d experienced after the sleeping pills. And yet, he felt calm enough now to think back to the night he’d tried to end his life without panicking again.

  He closed his eyes. He didn’t regret his attempt – not really. The only thing he regretted was that Jason of all people had found him in that state. That his little brother, then at the tender age of twelve, had called an ambulance, had told the 911 operator what kind of pills his lifeless brother had taken, and had begged the woman to send the paramedics as fast as she could.

  The boat started to move out to sea again and the memory of Jason’s upset words after he’d finally woken up in the hospital were washed away from his subconscious by the waves.

  He recognized the hospital by its smell. Even before opening his eyes, Dan knew he’d ended up there again. The typical smell of disinfectant and something else, something he didn’t even have the words for, penetrated his nose.

  He’d failed. The disappointment stabbed him like a knife in the back, plunging down and being twisted for extra effect.

  He could hardly move. For some reason, his hands were secured to the bed. At last he opened his eyes – carefully at first to let them adjust to the bright glare of the strip lights putting everything in the room into focus. Everything, including him. He swallowed and flinched at the pain in his throat. Why did his entire esophagus feel like one big abrasion?

  The vomiting. Of course they’d pumped his stomach. Assholes.

  His wrists were leashed to the bed. That’s why he couldn’t move.

  “Dan?”

  Slowly, he turned his head toward the sound. Jason – what was he doing here?

  “Mom and Dad are in the hallway. They’re talking to the doctor.”

  “Why…” Talking hurt like hell. He now remembered the hose they’d rammed down his throat. And the heaving. The endless vomiting. And the pills that had come out in one piece.

  Jason looked at him. His younger brother almost looked like an angel, the way he was standing there enveloped by the glow of the bright fluorescent lights.

  “I love you, Dan. Please, love me too.”

  The sightseeing boat docked at the bay a few hours later. He walked down the gangway and his sneakers sank down in the sand as soon as he hit the beach. Maybe he could take his shoes off and walk through the surf with his bare feet.

  He scanned the beach and saw that it was getting quieter. People were busy packing up and most beach chairs were empty by now. His gaze lingered on one of the few still occupied chairs and he recognized the girl lying there – it was Lynn. She was stretched out on the sun bed, one leg pulled up. She was beautiful, her naked skin a canvas showing glittering traces of sea and sand. His eyes zoomed in on Lynn, on the edge of her bikini top, on the freckles gracing her shoulders and standing out more and more as he started to make his way over to her.

  8

  Lynn

  Most people had packed up and left an hour ago. Lynn savored the peace and quiet they left behind in the small bay. She leaned back in her beach chair and let the cool breeze blow across her hot body. Maybe she’d take a dip in the sea in a minute. The blue water washed over the sand only a few feet away from her, and the murmur of the surf had made her feel languid and relaxed all day. She’d almost forgotten about this morning’s events. Almost. Because every time someone had cast a shadow across her face, her heart had made somersaults. And she’d fantasize about brown eyes staring into hers before opening her eyes to see who was blocking her sun. His hand, lightly touching her shoulder, warming her from the inside out.

  She bit her lip. Why was she having fantasies about a guy she didn’t know and didn’t even like? He thought she was an airhead. He’d called her a valley girl. He didn’t know about her life, about…

  “Hello?”

  Someone squatted down next to her sun recliner, casting a shadow across her face. Lynn opened her eyes and stared straight at Dan’s mouth from behind her big sunglasses. The rest of his face was hidden under the peak of his cap.

  He was so close. Only a few inches separated their lips. His mouth was curled up in a half-smile. Again, his finger touched her bare shoulder. That damn bikini strap…

  Lynn sat up in her chair, realizing too late that she almost pushed her bikini top into Dan’s face by doing that. Dan sat back a bit.

  “Before you say anything, I’d like to apologize about what happened yesterday.” He started to pull up the long sleeves of his shirt – a blue one, this time – but changed his mind mid-motion and rested his hands on his upper legs instead. “I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that. I’m Dan, by the way.” He extended a hand, and Lynn accepted it gingerly. He had a strong handshake.

  “Lynn.”

  Dan cast a look around, spotted an empty sun bed behind him and pulled it toward him. He stretched out his long legs and joined her in the sun.

  “I can be an asshole at times.”

  At first she thought she’d misheard him – surely the mumbled words coming from underneath his cap had been something else. He turned his face toward her and cocked his eyebrows quizzically.

  “Yeah. Are you always such an asshole to your little brother, too?” It was all she could come up with. It was also the exact question she’d wanted an answer to last night.

  Dan grimaced a bit and his face turned serious. “Not always. Too often, though, I guess.”

  “Well, maybe you should change that.”

  “Maybe.”

  For a moment, the silence hung like a heavy curtain between them. Even though she refused to meet his gaze, she could still feel his eyes on her. Her rising blush reddened her neck and chest.

  “You should use more sun cream,” Dan pointed out after a while. “You’re turning red. Sunburn can be nasty, you know. You got cream with you? I could always help you out…” His voice trailed off. She didn’t want to look at him, honest to God, but she still did. His wide grin didn’t leave much to the imagination.

  “Oh, is that why you always wear sweaters? Because you’re such a fan of sun block?” The words sounded more venomous than she’d intended. Lynn blamed it on her nervousness. She wanted to apologize, tell him she hadn’t meant it like that, but it was too late. Dan’s expression hardened and the grin slipped off his face. In one fluid movement, he got up from his beach chair and stood there, towering over her.

  “Don’t talk about stuff you know nothing about.” Dan pulled down the bill of his cap and trudged away. Lynn noticed her hands were shaking. The look in his eyes before he’d hid them from view was one she wouldn’t readily forget. Agony, frustration, and embarrassment had darkened the gentle brown of his irises.

  9

  Dan

  Tension filled the room like an invisible fog. Jason sat on the edge of the bed, but jumped up as soon as Dan crossed the threshold. His parents were on both ends of the room – his mother near the hotel phone and his father at the desk. He’d opened his laptop, fingers hovering over the keyboard.

  “Where have you been?” His mother slammed the receiver back down and stalked over to him, her mouth pressed down in a grim line. “Daniel? Answer me!” She stood there facing him from up close. He hadn’t even had the chance to close the door behind him.

  “Just – around.”

  “Around? Where?”

  Dan looked at her hands, extended toward h
im. Reaching out for him, but she probably realized just in time that he didn’t want to take them. They were trembling.

  “I…”

  His father got up, walked over to the door and slammed it shut, the loud bang probably letting all the other guests on the same floor in on their little family spat. He flinched when he saw the look in his father’s eyes.

  “Answer your mother.”

  That was the worst – the ice in his father’s tone. Whenever he used that tone of voice, people knew that Stan Mertens had hit the usual limit of his anger, and his mood would shift to either total coldness or an explosion of unbridled emotion.

  “I was just on the sightseeing boat.”

  His mother sighed and took a few steps back until the back of her knees hit the mattress. She lowered herself onto the bed slowly. Her hands were still shaking and Dan saw her fingers closing around Jason’s knee. He couldn’t face his brother, because he knew what Jason would look like. Pale. Looking lost and betrayed. Looking at him the same way as on that one day when…

  “Oh, you were just on the sightseeing boat.” A humorless laugh rolled off his father’s lips. “The sightseeing boat. Right.” He slowly shook his head, as though Dan had told him a joke and he’d only now understood the punch line. “Julia, why don’t you take Jason down for breakfast? We’ll join you later.”

  His mother got up and pulled Jason along. Silently, they passed him on their way out. The door quietly clicked into the lock behind him.

  Once they were alone, his father took a step back and pointed to the bed. “Sit.”

  “Dad – I…”

  “Sit down!”

  Head hanging, Dan walked over to the edge where Jason had sat not one minute ago. His dad decided to stand, which forced him to look up.

  “Do you have any idea what we’ve been doing today?”

  He swallowed down the snide remark bubbling up inside. Dan shook his head, since he knew his dad would wait for him to at least acknowledge the question.

  “We’ve been on the phone with the police. Both the local authorities and the Dutch police. We’ve searched the cliffs. The beaches. Everywhere. Everywhere, Dan!”

  “I…”

  His father held up his hand to signal he wasn’t done yet. Dan stopped talking.

  “Jason…” His dad swallowed and his face changed, the anger being replaced by raw pain. “Jason asked us whether we thought you’d succeeded this time around.”

  Dan felt the tension in his body build up. It was as if an invisible hand clutched at his throat. Dizziness threatened to wash over him, but he pushed it away to get up from the bed. “That time… I don’t want that anymore, Dad. I swear.”

  His father sighed and avoided Dan’s eyes. “I’m afraid swearing is no longer enough in your case, Daniel.”

  10

  Lynn

  Steve wasn’t at their usual table during dinner. Lynn listlessly prodded her pasta with a fork. She couldn’t stop thinking about her conversation with Dan – or whatever their exchange had been. Okay, she’d been a bit nasty about his choice of clothes, but deep down she thought his reaction was exaggerated. And his mood swings… one minute she was pretty sure he was flirting with her, and the next he was doing the complete opposite. So far, her day on the beach had left her in a less-than-relaxed frame of mind.

  She pushed the almost-full plate away. What should she do about Dan? Keep her distance as much as she could? Or try to find out why he just wouldn’t leave her thoughts? She wished she could ask Esmee.

  “I’m in love.” Esmee looked at her from the mirror. Her eye shadow had looked perfect to Lynn, and yet Esmee had taken it all off to start again. She was waiting. Esmee had promised to do her make-up as well, but in all likelihood she’d just have to quickly put on her own mascara since it was nearing ten o’clock. Which meant they should have been at the party a half hour ago.

  “Lynn?” The sound of the make-up bag being zipped shut. Esmee had probably forgotten about her promise. Oh well, it didn’t matter. She didn’t really feel like going anyway. She didn’t know the birthday boy that well. Esmee did – because Esmee was in love. Maybe she could take a rain check and…

  “Oh no, you’re not!” Esmee exclaimed. “You’re not bailing on me. I can see what you’re thinking.”

  “But we’re already late,” Lynn protested feebly.

  Esmee shook her head, and her long hair danced around her shoulders. “So? The party won’t truly get started until we are there. Now sit down, so I can make you look just as sexy as me.”

  “But you could go by yourself, I mean…”

  Esmee pulled a face as though she’d just swallowed a rotten lemon. “Oh please. By myself? No way. I’m with you.”

  The empty table and the sounds coming from the dining room only added to her feeling of loneliness. She looked around and saw all the couples, the groups of friends14.html and the families sitting together at their tables. All the way in the back near the window was Jason, together with his parents. Dan was just coming in, carrying a plate of pasta. He’d swapped his blue long-sleeved shirt for a white one, and he was wearing slippers instead of sneakers.

  Jason turned around in his chair, spotted her, and waved at her. Lynn waved back, then froze when Jason went on to beckon her over. She felt her heart taking a nosedive without a parachute and crashing into the marble floor of the dining room in a bloody mess. Again, Jason waved at her, lifting both arms in the air this time. She couldn’t in good conscience ignore the boy. Dragging her feet, she walked over to the table where Dan had taken a seat in the meantime. He looked tired. Downhearted.

  “Hi. I wanted to ask you something about tomorrow’s survival trip,” Jason started once Lynn had reached their table.

  “Jason.” An elderly man with graying hair and gentle, brown eyes looked from her to Jason. “Let’s pretend we raised you to be a polite boy, okay?” A hint of a laugh colored his words.

  Jason sighed, then gestured at the man and the pretty woman with long, black hair sitting next to his dad. “Lynn, these are my parents, Julia and Stan Mertens. And that ogre over there is my brother, Dan.”

  Just hearing Dan’s name made her heart pound through her chest and bounce into the abyss below, ignoring all the warning signs near the edge.

  “Jason…” Julia Mertens shot her youngest son a warning look. Lynn recognized the expression – her mother had always given her the same stern look when she was young and misbehaving.

  “So, anyway, about that survival trip…” Jason continued, pretending not to hear his mother. “Will we stay near the hotel grounds or are we going somewhere else? And what time will we be back? There’s a soccer game on tonight, at six. The Dutch national team, so…”

  She laughed. “Oh, don’t worry, we’ll be back at four. The bus will pick us up at half past five in the morning. And wear long pants and a sweater, okay? We’ll be…”

  “Are you fully booked?”

  The interruption came out of nowhere. Lynn stared at Dan. He shoveled a fork of pasta into his mouth, chewed at a leisurely pace, then swallowed to repeat his question as though nothing was wrong. As though she just hadn’t heard him the first time. “Are you full?”

  “Would you… would you like to join them, honey?” Julia Mertens carefully picked her words, like she was standing in the middle of a minefield and every syllable meant one step forward or to the side.

  “No, I was thinking of sending you and Dad.” Dan cocked an eyebrow at his mother. “Yes, I’d like to join,” he finally relented when his father markedly cleared his throat and let a meaningful silence hang between them.

  “But how old…” Lynn shook her head. The tension among the people at this table felt like it could be cut with a knife. “Yeah. Sure. Why don’t you tag along.”

  “Seriously? You’re coming with us?” Jason shot his brother a suspicious look. “Dan?”

  “Jeez. If you’re all going to turn it into a big drama, then never mind.” Dan chucked his utens
ils down, partly next to and partly on top of his plate. “Forget it, okay?”

  “Dan. Sit. Down.” Stan Mertens fixed his son with a steely gaze. At last, Dan lowered himself into his chair again.

  “So, the bus leaves at five thirty. See you tomorrow, then,” Lynn mumbled. Quickly, she swiveled around and stalked out of the dinner room, barreling straight into Steve.

  “Where are you going?”

  “To bed,” she replied. She heard how out of breath she sounded. Her body hummed with a kind of static electricity, probably caused by the sickening tension constantly hovering above the Mertens family’s dinner table.

  “Want some company?” Steve chuckled. Her face probably showed all too clearly what she thought of his idea. “I guess not… anyway, I’ll see you for the survival trip tomorrow.”

  Lynn nodded – even though she doubted she’d survive the trip herself.

  11

  Dan

  The clinking of cutlery on plates was the only sound audible. Dan took turns staring back and forth at the leftovers on his plate and at Jason from the corner of his eye, who was rolling a potato from one side of his plate to the other with his fork. When he looked aside, his younger brother shot him a hesitant half-smile.

  His mother finally broke the silence. “Well, that’s nice, isn’t it? The two of you going together. Right?”

  “Yes,” his father agreed. He seemed to want to add something else, then chose to keep quiet.

  Dan didn’t say anything. Jason kept his mouth shut too. There was nothing to say. Yes, he was coming along. Yes, it was probably really special that he was taking that step, and yes, he’d probably regret his decision at some point tomorrow. But deep down, a sense of longing reared its head. The wish to tag along. To be a part of something again. It all seemed so easy. Lynn, coming to their table, standing there awkwardly and uncertainly. Again, he’d have to apologize to her. Lynn was probably the person he’d apologized to more times in his life than to anyone else. Why? Maybe because she looked so much like a little, broken bird every time he was being mean to her.