by Lis Lucassen
The waves still crashed onto the beach in a steady rhythm, but her heart was racing. On one hand, it felt good to finally be able to tell someone about Rodney. About Esmee. On the other hand, she almost couldn’t handle finishing her story about the things she had so desperately tried to leave behind. Because it meant she’d have to admit to being afraid. And having failed.
It all seemed so simple. Here, on the beach. With Dan, looking at her without judgment, willing to just listen. “They’d had a fight that evening. Another one. And Esmee called me afterward,” she heard her voice continue. “She was scared and she asked me to pick her up from the corner near the traffic circle where we always met up when cycling to school. But I missed her call because I’d fallen asleep already. The sound of an incoming voicemail woke me up. So I headed for the traffic circle a bit later than she expected.”
The hardest part was yet to come. She looked up at Dan and saw that he picked up on her anxiety. That he understood what she wanted to tell him, even before she said the words. Again, he took her hand and his thumb rubbed slow circles on the inside of her wrist.
“I…” How was she supposed to tell him what she’d witnessed? Her entire body shivered from seeing the mental images, from reliving those memories again.
She rested her bike against the trunk of a thick tree. Should she lock it? Chances were small that anyone would try to steal it at this time of night, here in a quiet suburb. On the other hand – it was Thursday night. Student night. Lots of young people out and about. Lynn’s fingers hovered above the lock when a distant sound disrupted the calm of night. She looked up and spotted Esmee biking toward her. She was cycling much faster than usual, and she kept looking over her shoulder. Rushed. Anxious. Only then did she register the black car approaching the traffic circle. She recognized the car. Not its plates, but the familiar flashy rims, spoilers, and gray, shiny mirrors. He was driving too fast. And he was plowing straight into Esmee, who just then crossed the street.
And he didn’t stop.
All sound ceased. All color seeped away, turning the gruesome scene to black and white. Like a silent movie playing out in front of her eyes.
The car tore away and Esmee was there, her body lying on the pavement a few yards away from her mangled bike. Lynn waited. She counted the seconds. They stretched into minutes. Endless minutes, in which breathing became difficult and Esmee didn’t get up.
A dark stain grew around Esmee’s head. Her arm was underneath her body at an impossible angle and one of her shoes was missing. Lynn turned her head. The shoe was near the bike.
All of a sudden, the shoe turned into the sole object of her focus. The accident faded into the background. It was the one thing she could fix her gaze on – the shoe. The missing shoe.
The sound of another car approaching finally shook her out of her stupor, and everything came rushing back to her. What had just happened. Colors flooded the world as though someone had broken a prism. And this car slowed down, then stopped.
Lynn turned around, made her way back to her bike, mounted it and rode home. Somehow, she cycled the half mile back to her house and even managed to think about putting her bike away in the shed. Every step she took to cross the living room, climb the stairs and reach her bedroom echoed in her head like a distorted brass band.
How was it even possible that no one had noticed her absence? Why hadn’t her mother woken up? Or her father?
She undressed, put on her pajamas, and hid under the comforter.
It took another forty-five minutes for her mom to burst into her room.
It was so much, almost too much, but it still wasn’t everything. Lynn bit on her lip so hard that she tasted blood. She couldn’t tell Dan the rest. Rodney was – dangerous. Not just because of what he’d done and the fact that he’d gotten away with it, but also because of who he was. No matter how hard the rest of the heavy secret she’d buried so deep was trying to claw its way out of her, she couldn’t bring herself to share it with Dan.
38
Dan
Her hands were still shaking. No, the trembling wasn’t just in her hands. When Dan ran his fingers lightly down her arm, he felt the emotions rippling through her entire body.
“That son of a bitch even showed up at her funeral. Crying.” She rubbed her cheek with a rough gesture. He’d noticed her tears but he looked away now. He hated it when other people saw him cry. Why would Lynn feel any different?
For a while, the silence between them persisted. Dan allowed her words to sink in. Lynn was holding on to him, her fingers intertwined with his. After a while, he sensed she needed more physical contact than the careful touch he was allowing her now. And he wanted to pull her in, wrap his arms around her, and hold her close. The desire to feel her from up close was so enormous that it hit him like a bulldozer.
Would he dare?
A coldness spread in his limbs as he considered what she’d lived through. What she had seen, that one night. It wouldn’t be fair to her to burden her with his own problems. To let her in on the terrible secret he was hiding underneath his clothes.
Lynn’s story whirled around in his mind. He’d always believed that what happened to him had changed him. He’d become a person who was miles away from who he once had been. The popular guy. The one who was always first in line. The one who never hit it off with his friends’ parents, because they instinctively felt he had the power to tempt their child into making the wrong choices. He’d been an asshole. A selfish asshole.
Was the past really behind him?
His suicide attempt was the most selfish thing he’d ever done. And that had been after the accident, not before. What did that make him – a changed man, or someone who was still the same, deep down? He remembered his father’s words. Your own fault. Your behavior is out of proportion.
Lynn made him long to be himself again. Feeling desire. Giving in to the wish of being seen. By her. While at the same time, his biggest fear was that she would see him. All of a sudden, he no longer knew who he was, exactly.
“Dan?”
He looked at her. Her eyes had turned darker, bluer than the sea that steadily advanced them. Her dark hair fell across one shoulder in a braid and he wanted nothing more than to run his hands through it until it untangled and cascaded down her shoulders in waves of brown, the tips touching her breasts while he drank her in. He’d allow himself to just watch, and she’d straddle him and move gently.
“I think you should tell someone.”
Lynn pulled her hand from his. “Why should I? It won’t turn back time.” There was a sharp edge to her voice. She pulled up her legs and hugged her knees to her chest.
“Because it’s eating away at you. And it will consume you until there’s nothing left.”
Lynn raised her eyebrows. “Oh, right. And what about you? What secrets are eating you?” She wiped her cheeks and cast a look around. “You know, I think we’d better go back.”
She was right. It was probably better to go back to the hotel before he’d say something he’d regret. Before he would do something he’d regret. But wasn’t he sorry already? And didn’t repentance always come too late anyway? Dan leaned in. He knew she wouldn’t refuse him. She was just as desperate for his touch as he was for hers. Her lips slightly parted and allowed him access, just like last time at the beach. Back then, he’d gone too far. Much too far. But, God, it had totally been worth it. Feeling her soft skin under the tips of his fingers.
The tension drained from him when Lynn welcomed him. She stayed put, not pulling away, and let him explore her mouth. Her lips, her tongue. He forced himself to stop before he ran the risk of drowning in her and losing track of who he was even more.
39
Lynn
Dan sat back. “Yeah, I think it’s best when we go back.” He got up and waited for her to do the same. Hurriedly, Lynn scrambled to her feet. His kiss had made her alive. It had pulled her away from the nightmare memories of Esmee’s death. She longed for more. It was l
ike his touch was the only remedy to her ever-present feelings of guilt. As she gingerly stepped around the rocks protruding from the water, she pondered his words. I think you should tell. It’s eating away at you. It will consume you until there’s nothing left.
The police had called for witnesses several times. Some people living in the suburb nearby had stepped forward because they’d heard a car brake but hadn’t thought much of it. The driver of the car, who had found Esmee, had testified. But that was all. According to the paramedics, she had died instantly. And the detectives investigating the crime claimed that the vehicle that hit her had dragged her several yards further down the road.
She’d listened quietly as the police officer visiting her uncle and aunt gave them a report of the events. The tears wouldn’t come. Her anger wouldn’t come out. Nothing seemed to be able to come out. She didn’t feel like a black hole – she felt like she was trapped in an indescribably empty space, which was somehow filled with a sense of guilt at the same time.
She missed Esmee terribly, but what she didn’t miss was the life she’d been forced to live. If her guilt and the emptiness weren’t so all-pervading, she might have felt a slight hint of relief back then, even. She’d have felt terrified, but relieved. At that moment, she realized she’d be able to make her own choices without upsetting Esmee. Without making her angry.
So why wasn’t she making those choices now? Why was she here, on this island, working as an animation team member? Because Esmee had arranged this for them. And why was she still planning on moving to Rotterdam to live in that apartment and start her education at the teacher training college?
Why was she still living Esmee’s life?
“We’re here.” Dan halted and she almost bumped into him. The lobby of the hotel bathed in light, making it seem like an unwelcome monster about to tear them apart and sever their fragile connection.
“Thanks. For tonight.” Suddenly, saying those words was hard for her.
Dan nodded, his expression turning serious. “You have to tell the police what you know, Lynn. I’m serious. And if that creep scares you, just let them know he’s a liability and you need witness protection. If you don’t act, he’s going to get away with it.” She wanted to protest, wanted to tell him that it was the one thing she couldn’t do, that he didn’t understand. She wanted to convey her utter despair, but Dan held up his hand to cut her off. “Don’t do it because I say so. But I swear, if you don’t, it will…”
“Consume you,” she supplied.
“I’m repeating myself.” Dan turned away from her and pushed the lobby door open. Lynn followed him inside and they walked to the staircase.
“Dan, thank you. I had a good time tonight.” Great – she was out of original lines too.
He just nodded, before turning around and walking up the stairs. Lynn watched his retreating figure as he rounded the corner. She lingered downstairs for a moment before climbing the stairs to her floor as well.
The cleaners had been around. Fresh towels were on the rail in the bathroom. Her phone was on the nightstand. Two missed calls, she noticed. Both times it had been her mother. She hadn’t left a voicemail, but there was a text message blinking on the display. The usual ‘hope you’re having fun, we miss you’.
In the meantime, the clock had struck twelve and it was time for bed. And yet, she didn’t feel like lying down at all. Spending the evening with Dan had stirred up so many things in her mind. All the truths she’d buried under a pile of excuses were threatening to grow from seed into sprout. And beyond. If she allowed them to mature, the very memories she’d tried to suppress would throttle her.
Lynn put the phone down on the bedside table and stepped into the bathroom to take a shower. Just as she’d turned on the hot water and was about to strip off her clothes, there was a knock at the door. A loud one. And then another one.
She left the tap running. It was probably Steve who needed to give her the scoop on tomorrow’s casino night. She’d give him a minute and then mention the shower running so he’d take the hint and leave.
“Hey…” It was Dan standing there in the corridor. He didn’t try to come in. “I forgot to wish you good night.” A lopsided smile made his features seem softer.
Quickly, she recovered from the pleasant thrill running through her body at his unexpected visit. “Yeah…”
He beckoned her forward while leaning into her. The gap between them was bridged in the blink of an eye, and a satisfied sigh escaped her lips at the moment Dan’s mouth found hers. The kiss was sweet. And precious. And everything in between.
“Sweet dreams, Lynn,” he mumbled against her lips. After that, he turned around and walked away.
40
Dan
Jason sat up when Dan entered. He fumbled for his cell phone on the pillow next to him and glanced at the time.
“Yeah, it’s late,” Dan admitted as he walked over to his bag to pluck out clean boxer shorts. “I’m gonna take a shower.”
“You had fun?” Jason switched on the bedside light and scooted back, his back propped up against the headboard.
An irrepressible, silly grin spread on his face. Dan quickly turned around to hide from Jason’s inquisitive gaze. He’d never shut up about it if he found out.
“Yeah, it was fine.”
“Dad popped in a while ago to check whether you were back yet. He’ll be back again, I guess.”
“Sure.” Parental Suicide Watch, ever at the ready. Dan shook his head at himself. No, it wasn’t fair to be so cynical about it. His own actions had driven his parents to despair. Them not leaving him out of their sight for a second was entirely understandable. Suddenly he couldn’t help chuckling about himself and the bubbling source of wisdom that seemed to have sprung up within him. He laughed with giddiness because excitement had finally brought his body back to life.
“What’s so funny?”
“Nothing. I’m gonna hit the shower.”
“Yeah, you told me that.” Jason snorted. “Did you do it with her?”
Dan turned around, his laugh getting stuck midway in his chest. “Excuse me?”
Jason shrugged. “You know. Did you have sex with Lynn?”
“What do you know about sex?”
“You know. That’s what guys do with girls.” He shrugged again. “First you do French kissing and then, uhm…”
Dan cocked an eyebrow. In the soft glow of the bed light, he watched his brother bumble and turn red as he was looking for words to describe what he was so curious about. He decided to put Jason out of his misery.
“No. I didn’t have sex with Lynn.”
Jason wasn’t satisfied with his answer. Dan had already set one foot in the bathroom when he heard Jason’s voice calling after him: “But you do want to, right? With her? Why?”
“Why?” He turned to face Jason again. His younger brother watched him expectantly.
“Yeah. Why do you want sex with someone?”
Dan imagined Lynn. Her creamy skin, the pattern of freckles that seemed to change with every new encounter. He thought of his fingers trailing down her abdomen, of the butterfly peeking out over the edge of her panties. The way her long hair tumbled over her shoulders and the way she bit her bottom lip. She smelled fresh, like lemon, but tasted sweet like honey. He thought how good it’d feel if her hands touched his body, caressing him.
How she’d react once she saw him. Felt him.
That thought was like a bucket of ice cubes turned upside down to cool off his heated skin. And the arousal he’d felt petered out with a hiss.
“Dan?” Jason was about to get up from the bed. “Dan? Have I said something stupid?”
He clutched the fabric of the boxer shorts and forced himself to answer. “No… no, of course not.” Actually, he owed Jason an explanation. It had been ages ago since he and his brother had had a relatively normal conversation and he realized that he missed talking to him. He missed the simplicity of casual chit-chat.
Dan wal
ked back to the bed and sat down on the edge close to Jason. “What would you like to know?”
Jason stared at him in puzzlement for a second, then turned as red as a tomato. Stuttering, he confessed: “Well, it seems so – scary. How am I supposed to know what to do?”
“It’s not scary.” At least, it shouldn’t be. But he didn’t tell Jason that. “It’s – fantastic, actually. If you do it with someone you trust and care about.” He didn’t want to burden Jason with the charged ‘someone you love’ notion. He’d had enough one-night stands himself to know that it didn’t always work like that. And the only girl he ever thought he’d loved had told him that his body disgusted her.
Remembering Ella made him nauseous. He forced himself to focus on Jason, who was enthralled by his explanation. “And you don’t need to know everything beforehand. Part of the fun is to find out together.”
Jason yawned. “But I don’t have to, right? My two best friends told me they’d french-kissed girls. That sounds okay, but the rest…” He shook his head to emphasize his words. “The rest seems pretty gross!”
“You don’t have to do anything. That’s the thing. And the most important thing to remember.” Jason was about to ask him more, but right at that moment, the doorknob turned and the door swung open.
“Hello?” Their father entered the room, his gaze volleying between him and Jason. “What are you guys up to?”
Dan got up and strolled to the bathroom. His dad followed him, putting a hand on his shoulder. Dan froze, but as his father pulled back his hand and mumbled an apology he realized that he didn’t feel as panicked as usual.
“Did you have a good time?” The careful way in which his father spoke the words made it sound like a peace offering. It matched his father’s consent when he’d told them he wanted to take Lynn on a date and he’d even been allowed to use his dad’s credit card – no restrictions.