by Lis Lucassen
“Yeah, I did.”
His father seemed at a loss for words, because it took him a while to react. And when he finally did, the words sounded tight. “That’s good, son. Good to hear.”
In an attempt to get away from the emotions his father was so clearly struggling with, Dan escaped into the bathroom and pulled the door shut. He stood in front of the mirror.
And gazed at himself.
The same brown eyes as always stared back at him from the other side of the looking glass.
His hand trembled slightly when he put his boxer shorts down on the sink and traced the hem of his shirt. He pulled the fabric up, just a little bit. A little bit more. And he forced himself to look.
At the scar tissue, still looking red and fiery.
At the disfigured skin.
At his outer body, covered in a layer that seemed clumped and melted.
“I’m sorry,” she told him, but no true regret colored her voice. She pulled the comforter all the way up to her chin. “I can’t do this if I can see you. Maybe…”
It was as though Ella’s words set him on fire all over again. The sting in her words burned more violently than the flames that had made him this way. Quickly, he slipped his shirt back on and hid his scars. He hid himself.
“Dan, please. You have to understand. It’s difficult for me, too. Jesus, what did you think? You just look so different!”
He snatched his jeans and shoes up from the floor and stalked to the door. He couldn’t stand being in the same room with her. Shame and humiliation lapped at him like flames of a fire. She was right – what had he been thinking? That she’d be okay with it? With him? He could hardly stand looking at himself.
“Dan?” She called him from the bedroom. He ignored her, pulled on his pants on the landing, then trudged down the stairs and out of her house.
Only when he was in the car did he allow his emotions back in.
Disgust burned a hole in his stomach, clawing its way up through his throat in a sickening wave of bile. Dan let go of the hem of his shirt and once again, the fabric covered up his body. He fell to his knees in front of the toilet and vomited.
41
Lynn
A bowl of fruit yoghurt and a glass of freshly squeezed orange juice were on the table in front of Lynn. She was in the breakfast room. Every time someone came in, her head shot up to check who it was.
“Morning.” Steve plonked down in the chair next to her. He was wearing sunglasses and he absently scratched his unshaven cheeks.
“All-nighter again?”
He nodded, picked up her juice and emptied the glass. “Ah. Rehydration moment.”
Lynn mumbled her belated consent. Again, her eyes drifted to the entrance of the room, where she finally spotted Dan who just walked in. Her treacherous heart leapt up like a hopping, demented rabbit. Dan also cast a look around and his gaze landed on her. Their eyes collided and he bent over to Jason to tell him something before altering course and coming toward her.
“Hey. Slept well?” A conspiratorial smile danced around his mouth.
She nodded. “I did. You?”
For a moment, the smile seemed to slip off his face. Dan quickly recovered, but the sparkle in his eyes didn’t return. “Yeah. Eventually.” He pulled out a chair and sat down on her other side, ignoring the puzzled look that Steve threw him. “You got any plans for tonight?”
She shook her head, about to say yes to whatever he was going to suggest, but Steve cut her off. “There’s team instruction tonight. For the casino evening.” He looked at her fixedly and she vaguely remembered promising to help him out. The entire was supposed to come to a briefing by the company they’d hired to organize the evening. The company would bring their own croupiers to man the tables, but hotel personnel was supposed to assist them that evening, too.
“Maybe afterward?” Dan didn’t seem perturbed by Steve butting into the conversation. He put his hand next to her on the table and his little finger briefly caressed her wrist. “I’ll be waiting in the TV room,” he added. Then, he got up and made his way to the table where Jason and his parents were sitting.
“So what’s up with you two?” Steve slid his shades up to his forehead and stared at her with bloodshot eyes. It was obvious he’d had a wild night. She wondered who it had been with.
“I don’t know,” she replied in all honesty. She had no idea what was up. Whether anything was up. Dan liked her, that much was clear. Or he wouldn’t have run up to her room to kiss her good night, or asked her about her plans just now. His lips on her skin and his hands on her body, at the beach that one time, were proof of his interest in her. She felt her cheeks burn as she thought back to that surreal moment between the cliffs and the sea, while Dan was stroking soft circles around her belly button.
The moment she’d let go completely. When she’d made that choice to take things further. Recalling that afternoon, she could hardly believe it had really happened. It seemed even more surreal because she hadn’t touched him in return. There was something very basic and human about wanting to touch your lover, but he hadn’t allowed her – not even in that very intimate moment.
Lynn bit her lip as she tried to take an objective look at that afternoon. His panicked reaction when she’d tried to hold him. He’d called himself a jackass, because he’d been fully aware that he was acting weird.
Then again, the entire afternoon had been kind of weird.
There was no point in analyzing Dan’s behavior. She’d have to ask him, and he’d have to answer her question. And she wouldn’t just ask him what his intentions were with her, but she’d also ask him what was wrong with her. What he felt so ashamed of, and why he ran hot and cold around her all the time. The fact that she’d opened up her heart to Dan and exposed her painful past to him in the process – well, she’d rather not think about that right now.
Lynn spent the rest of the afternoon entertaining the young children. It was Cherry’s last day of vacation and the little girl insisted on playing in the pool all day. Steve was playing his usual loud game of water polo with the teens while Dan’s eyes were burning a hole in her back. He’d picked a spot in the shade, sitting in one of the lounge chairs with a book, but every time she glanced his way, accidentally or not, his eyes met hers.
“Lynn, look at me!” Cherry bobbed around in an inflatable dinghy over in the shallow pool. The Dutch twins were circling the boat with watering cans. A smile crept onto her face as she watched the toddlers having fun. But the smile crumbled when she asked herself a very important question. Did she like entertaining kids enough to teach them five days a week?
Dan’s words echoed in her mind. Why didn’t she just go to a college that she liked? Others didn’t know what was good for her. And making a choice based on guilt was crazy.
She had to tell someone her secret, Dan had said. But she hadn’t told him the whole story. Would he still say that if he knew everything? Lynn looked over her shoulder. Dan’s eyes were obscured by the bill of his cap, but the corners of his mouth tilted upward. Quickly, she turned her eyes back to the water. Her skin didn’t glow because of the sun. She glowed on the inside. Because Dan was here with her.
Steve sat down next to her, his feet dangling in the shallow pool. He was still dripping from his game of water polo, and his wet skin gleamed in the sun.
“You won?”
He nodded. “Of course. Was that even a question?”
She followed his gaze toward the group of German guys and British girls who were still in the pool. Ellis waved at them and Steve waved back. Most of the lounge chairs lined up around the pool were deserted by now. It was nearing dinner time and most hotel guests had gone up to their rooms to get dressed for dinner. The twins had been collected by their parents, but Lynn was still waiting for Cherry’s parents to show up. They were usually late.
“Can you watch Cherry for a few minutes?” Lynn pulled her feet out of the water and stood up.
Steve nodded. “Just a few
minutes. I need to take a shower before we go to the briefing.”
Lynn went inside. She had to drink something cold. It would cool the fire burning inside her, she hoped. Dan’s eyes on her skin had felt so intimate. It was as though she wasn’t wearing an ugly synthetic polo shirt and lumpy Bermuda shorts.
She stopped in front of the soda machine and held a plastic cup under the dispenser to get some Coke. The machine kept the soda cold enough, so she didn’t need ice.
“Thirsty?” Dan suddenly stood behind her. She could feel his warm breath on the nape of her neck.
Startled, she looked over her shoulder. It had been her plan to stay out of his sight for a while, not to let him into her personal space.
He said something but his voice was drowned out by the cheers and yells of the German boys who’d climbed out of the pool and were now running through the restaurant. They were chased by one of the British girls, Rose. Lynn recognized her from the survival trip.
“Sorry, what did you say?” She sounded out of breath and blamed it on the heat. On her fitful night’s sleep and the long day.
“I said you have to stop watching me all the time. I mean, I really wanted to finish my book but you distracted me.” Dan’s chuckle tickled her skin. “And it’s such a captivating story.”
When she managed to swivel around at last, Dan had disappeared.
She tried to slow down her breathing. It took her a while.
And right at that moment, she heard the cries for help.
42
Dan
A tentative grin pulled at Dan’s mouth as he walked back to his chair. Lynn’s red cheeks, her nervous eyes …
The way she’d responded to him, to his nearness, told him that she longed for him, too.
And it made him feel insecure.
Dan laughed again, but this time it was laced with irony. He was sure she wanted him, and it made him insecure. Go figure.
Just then, he saw the girl and ice replaced the blood in his veins.
She was floating in the water face-down. Her red hair fanned out, her face was invisible. A ball bobbed in the middle of the pool, but the girl was just a yard away from the edge.
There was no time to think.
He’d regret this later.
He kicked off his slippers and dove into the water. He didn’t even register whether it was cold, or warm, or wet. He grabbed the girl’s shoulders and lifted her head out of the water.
And screamed for help.
One second ran into the next. And another second followed. And yet another. Dan cast a look around, his surroundings suddenly seeming alien and unreal to him. In front of him, in the pool, was the little girl. She was coughing, water bubbling up between her blue-tinged lips. He didn’t know where the man came from, but he was suddenly there. Yanked the child away from him, up on the tiles, and rolled her onto her side. As he pulled himself up out of the pool, everything seemed to happen at once. People gathered around him. A woman with fiery red hair pushed herself through the crowd and started to shriek. The girl was throwing up more water. The man screamed in German that someone had to call 911. The woman with the red hair ran up to the girl, who suddenly started to wail.
And he saw Lynn, frozen in the doorframe, her face white as chalk.
Slowly, his brain kicked back into gear. It felt as though a taut piece of elastic suddenly snapped and hit him full in the face.
Suddenly, Steve was standing next to him. The person Lynn had asked to mind the children. Dan had seen her ask him. He’d heard her. And he’d heard Steve’s affirmative reply.
“Where were you?” His voice cracked. Steve looked at him, his eyes empty. “Where the hell were you, you son of a bitch?”
Steve remained quiet. Dan watched as the girl was lifted up in her mother’s arms. Someone had wrapped a towel around the two of them. The girl was shivering – or maybe it was her mother. He turned his focus to Steve once more.
“She was in the deep pool.” The sight of her small body floating on the water, the red hair strikingly, frighteningly beautiful against the blue of the pool. “She could have died.”
All of a sudden, he realized everyone was watching him. Him. Their gazes seemed to bore right through his clothes. His wet clothes. He looked at his shirt, sticking to his wet body. Quickly, he covered his chest with his arms.
A hand on his shoulder.
Steve. Touching him. Saying something to him.
Dan wildly flailed his arms, hitting Steve. Somewhere. Where?
Steve, grabbing him, clutching the wet fabric of his shirt in one fist. Dan staggered back, away from this, away from his touch. But Steve wouldn’t let go.
Steve had to let go.
He had to…
Get out of here.
Panicked, he tried to break way. Steve still wouldn’t let go of him.
The sound of the fabric ripping beat his eardrums impossibly loud. His shirt tore. His raw skin, exposed.
He looked at Lynn.
She had to have seen it.
She had to…
All eyes on him. All those people – they saw him. They saw it. They were staring…
Dan spun around, panic urging him on. He ran inside.
Ran away.
To turn invisible.
43
Lynn
“What the fuck happened?”
Steve was in a chair facing hotel manager Constanza Ruiz, Lynn lined up next to him. Constanza’s eyes darted from Steve to Lynn and back. Lynn had folded her hands in her lap and stared unseeingly ahead. The image of Cherry, motionless on the tiles of the deck. Dan, his face contorted into a mask of pure horror – there was no other word for it. She’d wanted to run toward him, but she’d been rooted to the spot. Again, she’d just been a witness, someone incapable of doing anything but watching horrible events play out in front of her eyes.
Dan had kicked into action, though. He’d been there. She felt her heart constrict painfully. It was as though her feelings of guilt were pushing out everything else. It was spreading, growing from a tiny, ever-present irritation to a black monster that was devouring her from the inside.
How long would it take for that monster to swallow her up whole?
Thank God Dan hadn’t been frozen like her. Thank God he’d been able to pull Cherry out of the water in time. And thank God one of the German guests was a doctor. In the meantime, Cherry’s parents had called and let them now that they didn’t need to spend the night in the hospital. The family was now on their way back to England, their vacation tainted by a bitter aftertaste. They hadn’t filed a complaint with the hotel or the animation staff. Apparently, the family had been in too much of a shock to do anything else besides getting their child from the hospital and packing up to go home.
Dan…
He’d seemed completely out of it as he’d shoved Steve off him to run away. She wanted to see him. Instead, she was stuck in the general manager’s office to explain herself.
“I asked you two a question.”
Constanza was a big woman. Imposing. She had a shock of wild, black hair and bushy, dark eyebrows that were presently knitted together. She felt Constanza’s gaze on her but didn’t want to look up.
“It’s my fault.” Steve sounded timid. She’d never seem him this – small. “I just needed to… it doesn’t matter. I was gone for a second and when I came back, the girl had already been taken out of the pool.” Steve rubbed his eyes. She wondered whether it was tiredness or something else he was trying to chase away. “So. I’m to blame.”
Lynn felt the lump in her throat dissolve slowly. “No, Steve. You’re not being fair to yourself. I shouldn’t have left. I should have…”
Steve turned around in his seat and looked at her. His eyes, usually so bright and lively, looked dull. They were filled with a pain she’d never seen there before. The emotion stuck to his face like a gray cobweb.
“You asked me to keep an eye on that girl and I told you I would. So how is this your fault
?”
Constanza watched them both as the frown on her face deepened. A beleaguered sigh escaped her lips when her gaze landed on Steve. “I am truly sorry, but you leave me no choice but to take action. Things like these simply cannot happen ever again and you just admitted that you are responsible.” Again, she sighed. “You’re fired. I’ll take care of your ticket home, but you have to leave as soon as possible.”
Suddenly, Steve sat ramrod straight. It was like an invisible hand had pulled a transparent string attached to his head. Slowly, he shook his head. “I can’t…” He cleared his throat. “I can’t go back to Holland. I can’t…”
Lynn bit her lip, watching Steve’s knuckles turn white as he grabbed the armrests of his chair in a death grip. “I can’t go back,” he repeated.
“Steve?”
He didn’t seem to hear her as he abruptly got up and headed for the door before whipping around and beseeching Constanza one more time, his hands on the back of his chair for support. “Please… I can’t go home.”
Constanza leaned back in her chair. “I’m sorry.”
“Steve?”
This time, he did hear her. A forced smile appeared on his face, like Steve only realized just now that she’d been in this room with him all along and he needed to convince that what she had seen hadn’t really happened. That he hadn’t begged Constanza to let him stay. That panic at the thought of having to fly home hadn’t made his hands tremble. “It’s…” He shrugged.
The silence stretched, enveloping her like a thick fog that made it impossible to see which way she should go. It made Lynn decide not to go anywhere and remain seated, her mouth shut.
Eventually, Steve walked back to the door. Her voice was trapped in her throat and Lynn felt sick. It had been Steve’s fault. Or it had been an accident. She didn’t know for sure. It was an accident that wouldn’t have happened if only Steve had done what she’d asked him to do.
What she did know for sure, though, was that Steve would never deliberately have put Cherry in danger. Granted, he was impulsive and not a very deep thinker, so he didn’t see the danger in things he did.