Lula Does the Hula

by Samantha Mackintosh

  ‘No thank you, darling. I’m saving myself for the bubbly, later,’ replied Jazz, the thunderous face fading to a flirty twinkle.

  Jack’s mobile rang and he pulled it out of his back pocket. ‘Excuse me,’ he said, and stepped out of the back door.

  I noticed that Forest and Jazz were staring at each other. And not in a good way.

  ‘Careful, Jazz,’ said Forest.

  ‘Oh, I’m being very careful,’ she whispered. ‘You,’ she shot me a look, ‘you’re the one who needs to watch out. Wouldn’t want your headmaster hearing how you’ve been drinking with students.’

  I was struck dumb.

  How unbliddybelievable was this woman?

  Forest took a step towards Jazz. He was so close to her that she had to tip her head right back, which she clearly didn’t like. Her hands went to her hips, and she leaned away. ‘You mess with the witch girl, and you mess with the voodoo man,’ he rumbled. ‘Jack might be blind to your games, but the rest of us know what you’re all about.’

  My jaw had dropped now, for sure.

  ‘Oh, I doubt that,’ breathed Jazz. ‘You think you can intimidate me? A brainless pile of brawn and a pathetic schoolgirl?’ She strode over to the telly and pointed a finger at an armchair just as saggy as the sofa. ‘See that chair, Tatty Bird? That’s Jack’s. The chair next to it is mine. That’s my place, next to Jack, and that’s the way it’s going to stay.’

  I raised my eyebrows. Could this girl hear herself? Sheesh.

  Forest laughed and clapped me on the shoulder. ‘You should know I’m not brainless,’ he said, smiling at me. ‘Just a little forgetful.’

  Suddenly Jack yelled from outside: ‘AAAAAARGH!’

  It sounded like he’d been run over twice by that hulking GTI.

  ‘JACK?’ I shrieked, bounding outside. ‘Are you okay?’

  Please let the jinx not have come back!

  Yes! He was upright.

  Yes! He had all his limbs – fingers, toes, everything.

  I bounced up to him and gripped his biceps, staring into his face. ‘What happened? Is everything all right?’

  He smiled at me as Forest loomed in the doorway behind us.

  ‘Man,’ he said to Jack, coming over to clap him on the shoulder. ‘Your girlfriend worries about you.’

  Jack kissed me on the forehead, grinning from ear to ear. ‘I gave you a fright?’ he asked, and shoved his phone back in his pocket. ‘Sorry, Lula, but guess what! Another story!’

  ‘Oh,’ I said, burying my freakish fears with a relieved sigh. ‘Emily Saunders? Still not found?’

  ‘Whoa!’ laughed Jack. ‘You do have second sight!’

  Jazz tinkled a derisive laugh from the doorway as Forest nudged past to go back inside. ‘Oh, hardly,’ she smirked, her voice all sweetness and light. ‘I’ve just had a call about this from my contact at the police station. No need for Talluley’s guessing games. I’m on it, babe,’ she lilted.

  Jack chuckled uncertainly at her tone, but glancing down at me his smile widened. ‘Well, Jazz,’ he said, and pulled me close. ‘Lula’s the best Hambledon High contact to have. If anyone’s going to find out anything about Emily Saunders, it’s going to be Lula.’

  He pulled me into a warm hug, and while I didn’t want the moment to end I just had to murmur, ‘Alex is probably your best informer, and I’m not sure I like being called Talluley.’

  ‘Mm,’ said Jack, dropping a kiss on my temple that raised goosebumps over my entire body. ‘Not great, but Jazz is cool when you get to know her. I wouldn’t want the girls in my life not getting on.’

  I didn’t reply, mainly because I was concentrating on not falling over in a dead faint as Jack’s lips moved to mine, but just as my eyes closed I caught sight of Jazz watching us with narrowed eyes, and my goosebumps just got bumpier.

  Chapter Ten

  Monday night, Channel 4 breaking news

  The theme tune for Channel 4 News was already going full blast when Bingley Clarendon’s bright red pizza van pulled up in the drive with a screech and the parping of a horn.

  The passenger door slammed open and Mona jumped out and sprinted for the back door. She burst in. ‘Is it on? Is it on?’

  ‘Where are the pizzas?’ asked Jack. I was pleased he had his priorities straight.

  ‘Hey, babe,’ said Jazz, lazily getting up from her chair right next to Jack’s. She bent forward and enveloped Mona in a you’re practically my sister hug, and reclaimed her chair.

  ‘Pizza coming!’ said Mona. ‘Have I missed it? Arns and Bingley took so long to come get me!’

  Jon Snow was saying something about another outbreak of bird flu and wearing a tie that would work well with Blue’s fabulous cloak. The telly fuzzed for a second, melting the tie, but came back in focus when Forest clapped it expertly on the top right-hand corner.

  ‘Bingley was allowed to sign you out from the dorms?’ I asked.

  ‘Long story,’ said Mona, ‘but I’m here now.’ She threw herself down in Jack’s chair and stared at the telly intently. ‘Those poor geese,’ she said.

  ‘Mona!’ said Arns from the doorway. He could barely see over the top of a pile of pizza boxes.

  I laughed and went to take a bunch from him, reading out the toppings as I went. Jack was crashing around in the kitchen sorting out knives, forks and plates, and Forest was getting in everyone’s way looking for glasses. They were joking around, but I could see Jack had one eye on the telly the whole time.

  ‘Is it on yet?’ asked Arns.

  Jack checked his watch. ‘Eight minutes. Bathroom break – door doesn’t lock, don’t come crashing in.’ He jogged out the room.

  ‘I can’t stay much longer after that,’ said Arns. ‘Got to get back to work with Bing.’

  ‘No!’ said me and Mona together.

  Bingley Clarendon hove into view behind Arns. ‘Who wants the bill?’ he called.

  ‘I got it,’ I said, and pulled out the money from my little zip purse. Mum and Dad were treating us all – they were seriously impressed by Jack’s piece, and insisted on paying for a viewing party. And who am I to disobey my parents?

  ‘Oh, how sweet,’ said Jazz, rising slowly from her chair again and coming over. ‘Talluley’s spending all her pocket money in one go.’

  Bingley Clarendon glanced at Jazz. And couldn’t look away. ‘Oh,’ he breathed.

  ‘This is Jazz,’ I said, mustering some manners. ‘Jazz, this is Bingley.’

  ‘Bingley,’ she said distinctly. ‘Well, Bingley, I hope you make good pizza.’ She pulled out a marguerita, claimed a serviette and got straight back to her chair.

  Bingley swallowed. ‘I do,’ he said at last. ‘I make excellent pizza. He shot a look at Arns. ‘But we’re done for tonight, aren’t we, Arns?’

  ‘Whoohoo!’ yelled Arns with a delighted grin at Mona.

  ‘We’re gonna stay for the celebration,’ continued Bingley, gaping at Jazz. He hefted a barstool out of the kitchen and shoved it right up to Jazz’s armchair. ‘The whole celebration,’ he declared.

  ‘Great,’ said Jazz, taking careful bites of her pizza and dabbing at her cupid-bow lips after each one. ‘Just great.’

  ‘Bingley, you’re the best,’ said Mona, all happy and shiny. ‘Come sit here with me, Arns!’

  Arnold loped over with an enormous box and squished into Jack’s armchair with Mona.

  Jazz pinched her lips in discontent at Jack’s chair being taken, but made a big effort to smile nicely at Mona anyway.

  I was about to claim the saggy sofa with Forest when a familiar roar and loud hooting interrupted Jon Snow’s wrap-up of the bird-flu crisis.

  ‘Nooo,’ I moaned.

  I heard car doors slam and the piping of an excited child.

  In came Mum, Pen and Blue.

  ‘We thought you needed pudding,’ cried Mum, wielding Ben&Jerry’s Phish Food.

  ‘Anne!’ Jack looked really pleased to see Mum. ‘You’re going to stay? It’s on in three minutes.
’

  ‘Oh.’ Mum looked at her watch. ‘We really need to get back for Blue’s bathtime. I’ve Sky-Plussed it at home.’

  ‘I don’wannoo bath,’ said Blue. ‘I’m ver ver clean.’ She held out her hands, covered all over with bright felt-tip marks.

  ‘I –’ started Mum, but she was interrupted by another screech of tyres outside.

  ‘Someone’s driving recklessly,’ said Pen.

  We all craned our necks to see out of the living-room window. The claw marks across the bonnet of the car outside left me in no doubt. ‘Bludgeon’s here,’ I announced.

  ‘You. You know someone called Bludgeon,’ remarked Jazz, like it was the final nail in the coffin of how ridiculous I was.

  I didn’t answer. I was too busy staring out of the window, incredulous: rammed into Bludgeon’s car was his brother and Pen’s boyfriend, Fat Angus, then Alex and Carrie and Tam and Mr Kadinski. How had they all ended up together? And how on earth did they all fit into that clapped-out death trap?

  ‘Mr K made it!’ I cried. ‘I thought he’d be stuck with the wrinklies over the road!’

  ‘Lula,’ reprimanded Mum. ‘Have respect for the elderly, please. Come on, Pen, Blue, time to go.’

  ‘Stay,’ said Jack. ‘Please.’

  ‘Please, Mum,’ asked Pen deferentially. She’d seen Fat Angus and gone all glowing.

  Mum looked at me. ‘You don’t mind?’

  ‘Course not,’ said Jack. ‘Sit next to Lula on the sofa. Pen, you squish in there too and make space for Fat Angus. Forest, chairs, man. We need more chairs.’ He grabbed the remote for the DVD player and pressed record, turning the volume up slightly too.

  Forest disappeared and came back with a bunch of wooden dining chairs, a little swivel stool and a massive desk chair that looked dangerously twirly.

  Jazz didn’t move a muscle. She was draped back in her seat, chin up, gazing at the telly through half-closed eyes, with Bingley gazing at her, eyes wide open.

  ‘Ugh, fat person,’ she murmured as a news reporter came on screen. ‘Stick with radio, woman.’

  I looked to the telly, and saw a perfectly gorgeous reporter talking about budget cuts at local schools. Sheesh. Jazz had body-image issues, clearly.

  Forest set out the collection of chairs as Bludgeon’s carload flooded in, talking and joking and helping themselves to pizza.

  ‘Alex,’ I hissed. ‘Did you get my text?’

  ‘Later,’ she said, out of the corner of her mouth.

  Someone put the ice cream in the freezer and I got up to pour more drinks. Jazz ignored everyone except Jack, passing the occasional witticism to him as he walked by, and he’d chuckle back, still keeping an eye on the telly.

  ‘And after the break,’ announced Jon Snow, ‘we have the news where you are. In the south more breaking news from the historic town of Hambledon – who would have thought? – and up north . . .’

  Forest flung himself back in the desk chair and it scooted a metre or so across the living-room carpet. Blue giggled. Forest opened his arms, and Mum gaped as Blue climbed up to sit with him in the chair. ‘Well, I never,’ she muttered, settling herself into the sofa.

  ‘Lula, move your lardy ass,’ said Pen clearly. ‘There’s absolutely no room for me to breathe and Angus still needs to sit here next to me.’

  Jazz laughed softly.

  Pen’s eyes darted from her to me to Jack. ‘Oh boy,’ she said, and whispered in my ear, ‘The path of true love never did run smooth.’

  ‘Tell me about it,’ I murmured in reply, watching as Jack tried to sit on the little swivel stool without falling off. He looked across at me and winked, shrugging his shoulders with a wry smile.

  Somehow Fat Angus got on the couch, and Bludgeon too, so I peeled myself out to sit on the floor, and cunningly scooched over next to Jack. He got off the stool straight away and we sat together on the floor, fingers linked, looking up at the telly. Alex braved the stool and Carrie, Tam and Mr K perched on the dining chairs behind. Sixteen people all rammed into the living area, but it was completely silent as Jack’s segment came on.

  It was brilliant.

  So, okay, I’m biased, but I’ve not seen a news item that packed so much atmosphere, tension and story into one punch, and it was beautifully done. The final frame had Jack looking seriously into the camera and I wondered if every girl’s heart thundered as mine did.

  ‘This is Jack de Souza, reporting from the town of Hambledon for Channel 4 News.’

  I squeezed his hand hard, and kissed him on the lips, even though Mum was right there. ‘Wow,’ I said to him.

  His face lit up. ‘It was okay?’ he asked.

  Jazz got out of her chair and said, ‘It was good, Jack. We make a great team.’ She came over and smiled down at him, a lazy, sexy smile that smouldered from ear to ear.

  Jack grinned happily back at her and said, ‘Hopefully that’s not the end of it.’ He jumped to his feet, pulling me with him. ‘I can get stuck in to a piece on Emily Saunders tomorrow,’ he said, and hugged me close. ‘I spoke with the producer earlier.’ I caught Alex’s eye over Jack’s shoulder and she raised her eyebrows and flicked a look over at Jazz. Carrie and Tam had the same expression on their faces.

  Jack and I pulled apart and Jazz went in for a hug of her own. She rubbed his back in long, slow movements.

  I moved away to step into a circle with my friends, who were all watching Jazz in horror. ‘Have you ever?’ I asked. ‘Let’s hope this isn’t going anywhere ugly.’

  ‘Could be the micro-management needs to move into macro-management,’ said Alex.

  ‘Could be,’ agreed Tam.

  ‘Thank goodness we’re here this time,’ said Carrie, ‘instead of stuck in London. He has no idea, does he, Tatty?’

  ‘No idea at all,’ I murmured. ‘And the worst is – they live together!’

  ‘No!’ said Tam.

  ‘I want to see her room,’ said Alex with grim determination. ‘We’ll need all the intel we can get.’

  ‘She’s a dangerous woman and she must be stopped,’ said Tam.

  A dark shadow loomed over us.

  ‘Eek!’ said Carrie.

  ‘Who you calling “freak”?’ asked Forest amiably. Blue was at his side, holding his hand and begging for another ride on the twirly chair.

  ‘Freak? No, no,’ said Carrie, looking terribly nervous. ‘Not – not me.’

  ‘Just kidding,’ said Forest. ‘I have that effect on women.’ He laughed a little.

  ‘Oh,’ said Carrie. ‘Yes.’

  I was startled. Carrie – cool, calm sophisticate – looked a little smitten. She flicked her chestnut hair over her shoulder and stood straighter.

  ‘Forest is our friend,’ I said clearly.

  ‘Yes,’ said Blue. ‘He’s getting me pizza. We’re weally hungly.’

  Forest smiled down at her, then looked at Carrie, Tam and Alex. ‘You need a friend with that devil woman Jazz around,’ he said. ‘She’s been after your mate’s man forever. Now that there’s finally real news in Hambledon, she’s got an in at last. Those two have been working long hours together.’ He shot me a look, hoisting Blue to a hip, and I went hot and prickly with a flash of irritability at everyone implying that Jack would be dumping me any second for someone older, hotter and altogether more desirable.

  ‘Jack is totally into Lula, though,’ said Alex through a mouthful of Pepperoni Special. ‘Jazz hasn’t got a chance.’

  ‘Sure,’ agreed Forest breezily. He looked at me again and winked. ‘Right, Bluebird, ham no mushroom?’ He shambled off to the kitchen counter, with Blue ordering him around, and they began putting oddments of pizza slices on to an enormous plate.

  ‘Wow,’ said Carrie, gazing after him.

  ‘Don’t even,’ I said, giving her my look.

  ‘No getting involved!’ commanded Alex.

  ‘Geez!’ Carrie hissed. ‘I’m only admiring him! And you’re a fine one to talk, Alex Thompson. You spent the weekend kissing G
avin Healey! He’s suspect number one in the missing Emily Saunders case! What do you have to say about that, hmm?’

  Alex’s forehead went all creasy and complicated. ‘Gavin is sooo not a suspect,’ she whispered back. ‘He was syphoning the Cleo Cosmetics stuff into drums out at their factory all weekend! He has, like, a thousand alibis!’

  ‘Oh,’ said Carrie. ‘Sorry. I didn’t know.’

  ‘Yes! Well!’ said Alex, very high up on a very high horse. ‘Forest is another matter entirely. We could need him in our Jack Loving Lula campaign, and we don’t want him all angry at being heartbroken by you, or loved up and unfocused.’

  ‘Hey, I –’ began Carrie, outraged.

  ‘Besides,’ I added, ‘he’s a lovely guy, but he’d drive you nuts. He lost the key to the front door before they even moved in.’

  ‘But it’s hanging on the side right there,’ said Carrie.

  We all turned to look.

  She was right. There was a key hanging on the side of the door. ‘Whoa,’ I said. ‘Maybe you’d make a great couple.’

  Carrie flicked her eyebrows up, like, well, yeah, maybe.

  ‘He is seriously hot,’ mused Tam. ‘Like, seeeriously. And obviously good with kids.’

  ‘Kids?’ hissed Alex. ‘Tam! Would you listen to yourself? Geez! Come with me NOW. We have work to do.’ She grabbed Tam, and dragged her off to take a look at Jazz’s room. I’d had enough industrial espionage in the last few weeks to last me a lifetime, so Carrie and I kept an eye on Jazz. She was standing possessively at Jack’s side while people thronged around him. Every now and again she tried to lay her head on his shoulder, but she was too beautifully petite and he too rangily tall. Even so, they looked good together. Very good.

  ‘I think I need a Malteser,’ I said faintly. ‘Maybe bag of.’

  ‘Bag of nothing,’ said Carrie firmly. ‘You’re far more gorgeous than she is. That long snaky hair gives me the creeps, and those mean, squinty eyes . . . Why does Jack let her hang around like this?’

  ‘Look at her stomach,’ I groaned. ‘That belly button. Totally perfect.’

  ‘Like I said,’ sighed Carrie. ‘Stop with the Maltesers. Yours is totally perfect too, but it won’t be if you don’t kick that chocolate habit.’