Everything (ARC)

by Catherine Miller

Sometimes ‘sorry’ ended up being such a lost word. Especially when it was all somebody had to fall back on.

  ‘It’s too late for sorry.’

  ‘It shouldn’t be. All you have to do is forgive me.’

  That was something Tabitha didn’t have within her right then. All she had was a whole heap of hurt. She stood, her coffee still half drunk. ‘I don’t have the capacity for forgiveness. Especially when I don't think you even realise the damage you’ve done.’

  It was all Tabitha was able to muster as she made her way out into the sunshine. There was so much more she could say. So much grief she wanted to air. So much blame she wanted to throw his way. But sometimes in life, the best thing to do was walk away. Sometimes in life you had to focus on self-preservation. If she’d been flailing before Andy had died, then now she was definitely drowning. And she was the only person able to save herself.

  Twenty-Five

  Now

  Within a few hours of Luna arriving, Tabitha had learned it really wasn’t simple. Luna’s initial hour there had given the illusion that she liked to sleep, whereas the reality was nowhere close.

  She had been at the Bunk-a-low for three days now and Tabitha was just about starting to get into some kind of routine. The only problem being that the baby didn’t want to stick to any kind of routine or behave in any kind of predictable way. Tabitha had known it might be the case, more so than usual with this baby. Luna had been born with foetal alcohol syndrome. The baby’s mother had been alcohol-dependent and they expected Luna to have some health complaints as a result. Many of them wouldn’t manifest until later, but it would also take some effort in the early days to establish any regularity.

  So Luna wasn’t settling well and now that she was finally asleep, Tabitha was struggling to do the same. Just as she drifted off, there was the sound again. It always made Tabitha’s heart race in the middle of the night, throwing her into a state of terror. Noises like that shouldn’t exist at any hour, let along in the early hours of the morning.

  Luna was sleeping (or rather, taking short naps) in Tabitha’s room in a nest directly by her bed. With it being at the opposite end of the Bunk-a-low to the other two bedrooms, she had been hoping there wouldn’t be much interruption to Syd and Max’s nights, but she already knew from their complaints over the past few days that it wasn’t the case. So every time the crying started, the main objective was to get a bottle to baby. That was the only way to get the household’s decibel level to return to normal.

  On her way to the kitchen, Tabitha jumped when she spotted Max’s figure crashed out on the sofa. It meant she needed to be quieter than usual. As she opened the fridge as silently as possible, she questioned why. It wasn’t like this would wake Max, it was the wailing infant that would do that.

  ‘Ughhh,’ Max groaned and raised her head.

  Tabitha wished she’d flicked the lights on. She wanted to be able to see Max’s expression more clearly.

  As the baby balled, Tabitha quickly prepped a bottle. For overnight she was using pre-mixed formula to make life easier, but she’d already used all of those. The milk made, she picked up the bottle. The muslin cloths and everything else she needed were in her room along with the feeding chair.

  ‘You okay, sweetheart?’

  ‘My neck hurts,’ Max said as she stretched and rose from her awkward sleeping position.

  Tabitha was able to focus on her now she was nearer, her eyes adjusting to the dark. Max seemed younger in this half-light when she was still partially furled by slumber. ‘Your neck will hurt if you fall asleep on the sofa.’

  ‘Aren’t you going to quieten squawky? That’s the reason I fell asleep out here… Because I’m so ducking tired from that racket.’

  Tabitha knew exactly what Max meant. ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t realise it would affect all of our sleep quite so much.’ Tabitha felt guilty about how their lives had slipped so easily with her youngest charge becoming her main priority. Yet another thing for her to feel guilty about.

  ‘She’d wake all the neighbours up too if there were any. I wouldn’t mind so much if I was able to get back to sleep once she’d woken me. But whenever I wake, I’m up for ages.’

  Even in the half-light, Tabitha was able to make out the grey shadows under Max’s eyes that hadn’t been there a few days before.

  ‘I’ll make you some hot chocolate if it’ll help you sleep,’ Tabitha offered even though Luna’s crying was continuing.

  ‘The only thing that’ll help any of us is if you shut that noise up. Because if you don’t, I might.’ Max yawned as she said it, making it sound far less sinister than perhaps she had intended.

  ‘I’ll get her sorted. You get to bed.’

  With everything she needed in hand, Tabitha returned to her room. She lifted Luna out of the nest bed and did her best to comfort her.

  ‘There, there, Luna. Here you go.’ Tabitha offered Luna the bottle and she immediately suckled furiously. It was that instant that she was enjoying the most. It was the moment that made her feel like a mother. When the baby was contently nestled in her arms and she was able to admire Luna’s thick black hair, the dimples of her skin, and the softness of her tiny nails. These quiet moments were precious and they made everything okay.

  It didn’t take long for the baby to start feeding in a rhythm and, after burping, it was clear a contented slumber wouldn’t be hard for the three-week-old to achieve. As her sups slowed down, Tabitha tried to take stock. Luna was gaining weight and eating well. Her skin was pink and healthy. Everything was as it should be. Even news about the content and colour of her nappies had pleased the health visitor.

  Only everything wasn’t as it should be.

  Because Andy was never going to be by her side and it was hard to pretend in the middle of the night that any of what she was doing now would ever make up for that. Even though having Luna in her arms should have made her happy, she shed a weary tear. They were all lost souls in this house: Tabitha would never get her husband back, this baby was without her mother, Max and Syd had been abandoned more than once.

  Would Tabitha being part of these children’s lives change the course of them? Did she even have that strength when she’d never managed to fix her past?

  As she brushed her tears away with one hand, she hoped it would. Plus, it was three in the morning and there was some hope she might gain some more shuteye.

  With the utmost care, Tabitha managed to place Luna into her nest, but before returning to bed, she decided that there was one more task that was necessary.

  With quiet treads, she completed her hot-chocolate mission in the kitchen and took the unusual step of venturing into Max’s bedroom, knowing she was probably still awake. Max’s illuminated face popped up from staring at the small screen she was plugged into.

  ‘I thought you’d like this,’ Tabitha said, after Max had taken out her headphones.

  ‘Thanks, Mum,’ Max said. ‘Now go sleep while the baby sleeps. You’ve got about ten minutes.’

  Tabitha smiled and left the room before it was too late. She pushed the door closed with her heart still drumming.

  There’d been a fleeting moment when they’d caught each other’s gaze, but there was no attempt to correct what had been said. It would seem that in the small hours of the morning miracles occurred. Small babies went back to sleep without a fuss and reluctant teenagers called her Mum.

  Two-Month Feedback Form – Max

  Filling out these forms is so utterly ridiculous. What purpose do they serve when you don’t even look at them? They get shoved in a file that you’re too busy to read.

  I’m so confident of that fact, I’ll tell you my secrets. I’ll hand their responsibility to you and watch you do nothing with them…

  I’ve thought about ending it. I’ve wondered what the point is when I’m not good enough for anyone. I’ve wanted to leave the planet for a moment just to see if anyone would notice. I’ve wanted to see what that reality looked like.

  O
nly I’m not leaving without Syd and I know that’s one journey she wouldn’t choose to join me on.

  She’ll join me on the other journey I’m planning, though. The one that will get our life back.

  So here’s my secret… The one you won’t do anything about.

  I’m going to get Jolie. Somehow, I need to save her.

  Twenty-Six

  Then

  Andy’s father, Ted, had invited Tabitha to the main farmhouse for a discussion. From the moment the request had arrived, she’d found herself in knots. It spoke of everything that had changed and all the things she didn’t wish to face.

  All she wanted was Andy back.

  She wanted the roughness of his hands on her smooth skin.

  She wanted speedy journeys in his Land Rover.

  She wanted his ability to make her smile at the end of a long day.

  What she didn’t want was having to work out the etiquette of certain scenarios without him about. She no longer knew how to behave around certain people or if she was even the same person to them without her husband by her side.

  Was she still a daughter-in-law? She thought perhaps not and they had called her there to tell her that they weren’t going to let her have the cottage without contesting the will.

  ‘Do you want me to come in with you?’ Frank asked from the driver’s seat once he’d parked up. Her father had been kind enough to drive her over, knowing how anxious she was.

  Tabitha peered at the imposing four-bedroom farmhouse. It was a large thatch cottage and the roof was getting darker with moss each year, everything a bit more jaded as time went on. The place was too big for the elderly couple and she wondered what they would do now they no longer had Andy to take on the lion’s share of the farm work.

  Suddenly she was struck by grief. She shouldn’t have waited to be summoned to discuss what needed to be aired. Hopefully they would be able to forgive her for becoming a hermit during this period of grief.

  ‘Can you come with me?’

  ‘Of course, love.’

  When they got to the door, Ted already had it held open. ‘Welcome,’ he said, an unmistakable note of sadness in his voice.

  ‘Hello, love,’ Anne, Andy’s mum, took her in a warm embrace. ‘It’s good to see you. What can I get you to drink?’

  The kindness that Andy’s parents were showing her made her relax. ‘I’m sorry I haven’t been over before now.’

  Tears streaked down her cheeks without her wanting them to. She’d realised why she’d not come here yet… Because she never had without Andy. It might have only been along the lane from their cottage, but the journey here had always been with her husband.

  Now she was without him. And she was truly at a loss. Lost without him in this space that belonged to him. The place where he had grown up. The place he would have inherited.

  ‘Let’s have none of that,’ Anne took Tabitha’s cheeks and wiped them clean before ushering her towards the kitchen. ‘Andy wouldn’t want us to be sad. We wanted you to know that you’re welcome here. You always will be. We don’t want you to think that just because Andy isn’t with us any more that our door isn’t open.’

  She popped the kettle on, the cups and plates already prepared and waiting. Nestled on the rustic oak-topped kitchen island there was a Victoria sponge for them all to enjoy. It equated to baking perfection, something that even Mary Berry would be proud of. This kind of family kitchen, the heart of the home, was what Tabitha wanted in the future. But not this image. She’d always feel a loss without Andy by her side.

  Ted joined them, with her father not far behind.

  Anne fussed with plates and cut everyone a perfect slice of sponge cake. ‘Take a seat,’ she said to Frank and Tabitha, coaxing them over to the dining table.

  ‘Thank you,’ Tabitha replied. Her words were breathless. She didn’t know what to say.

  ‘And we’re sorry,’ Anne said, once she’d settled everyone down and made sure they were catered for.

  ‘What for?’ Tabitha was taken back. She was the only one who needed to apologise.

  ‘That this happened. We knew he was working harder than he should be on the farm.’ Ted took a cautious sip of tea.

  ‘That’s not why he died, though. You can’t blame yourselves.’ Tabitha knew they weren’t to blame. They couldn’t be when she was.

  ‘It’s hard not to look back and wonder how we could have done things differently.’ Anne took Tabitha’s hand, smoothing over it as if that would calm any upset, but beginning to sob.

  ‘I think we’d all do things different if we could.’ Tabitha certainly would. She wished she could have that day back. She wished she could live it all over again and not believe what she’d been told. She wished she’d never questioned Andy in the way that she had. Life might be so different to the heartache she was currently experiencing if she could.

  ‘I hope you can understand why I can’t return to the cottage,’ she said.

  ‘Of course. And we could never expect you to, given all that has happened.’ Ted placed his cup on the table. ‘You have my blessing to sell the cottage and start a new life wherever you choose to. We have our own decisions to make regarding Owerstock Farm. As you know, Andy was pretty much running the place full-time. We were enjoying semi-retired life. I don’t think I’m capable of going back to doing it by myself for long.’

  ‘Promise us, whatever you end up doing, you’ll keep in touch. That you’ll let us know what’s happening in your life.’ Anne tightened her grip on Tabitha’s hand, a plea in her voice.

  ‘I’m not sure what my plans are yet, but when I do, I’ll let you know. I’ll always keep in touch. We’re still family, after all.’

  ‘We just want you to know that we’ll support you whatever you do in the future. I know we lost a son, but we’re lucky to have gained a daughter along the way.’

  Thoughts of losses and gains overwhelmed Tabitha into silence. There was so much of it happening beyond the scope of just her husband. Even this conversation felt as if it was a goodbye. Because, somehow, she knew it would be the last time she would be visiting her in-laws’ home. She’d gained the distinct impression she wasn’t the only one facing the need to move on.

  Twenty-Seven

  Now

  Whatever optimism had filled Tabitha in the early hours of the morning was quickly dissipating. Her introduction to early motherhood was proving to be one step forward, followed by a huge leap backwards down the lane.

  This morning was the first occasion she was dealing with a proper nappy explosion. It had reached every part of Luna’s Babygro, and even her hairline at the back of her neck. There was no number of wet wipes that would resolve this; only a dunk in the bath would sort it.

  On seeing the catastrophe, Max and Syd were getting ready to make a swift exit.

  ‘We’ll be over the road,’ Max said as both girls headed for the door. ‘We’ll leave you to it.’

  They were gone before Tabitha was able to respond. ‘Gee, thanks, girls!’ she said to the closed door.

  The fact the summer holidays had arrived had almost passed Tabitha by. It would seem life with a baby meant all the days and nights merged into one. Tabitha managed to disrobe Luna, slinging the Babygro and soiled bedding into the washing machine. Now, with an unsecured nappy, she headed for the bathroom.

  Pouring water into the small pink bath that was housed inside the porcelain tub, it struck Tabitha that it would make sense to pour one big bath for both of them. She would be able to hold Luna securely on her lap as she got them both clean. The bath seat would keep her safe while Tabitha washed her hair.

  It was a nice thought – if it weren’t for the poo involved – but Tabitha dismissed it almost instantly. It was too intimate. Too much of a step to take and one that she didn’t feel was hers to have. What she didn’t need was to cross those lines. She didn’t even want to blur them.

  While Tabitha showered, Luna snoozed in her bouncer chair and Tabitha kept one eye on her
at all times, even when soapy suds were making them sting. It was strange. However much she was at pains to be a professional foster parent, equally the protective maternal instinct within her had been awoken. This small life was dependent on her. She was in charge of making sure she was okay. To date, it was the most important job she’d had. Before, during her years as a teacher, there had always been a clocking-off time. The days had been exhausting, but there had been respite to be had in her life. Her bubble with Andy. That wasn’t the case now she’d taken on the role of parent. It wasn’t something she’d ever truly appreciated until now. This was true exhaustion.

  Luna stirred, and initiated her complaining with an enormous wail. After that it took over an hour to get them both in suitable order to be able to leave the Bunk-a-low. It seemed an extraordinary amount of build-up time to be able to simply cross the road. Something she’d always taken for granted before.

  When Tabitha reached Lewis’s garage, she was ready for a rest. It would have been easier just to call him, but she needed the fresh air after the morning gift Luna had presented.

  ‘Please tell me the girls are in that field.’

  ‘Afternoon. They are, as always, in their field of boredom. It must be some kind of Narnia. There must be more to it than our mere-mortal eyes can see. Tea? Or coffee? You appear to be a woman in need of caffeine.’

  Lewis washed his hands at the garage sink, and between them they got the pram safely inside.

  ‘Will she be okay down here?’ Tabitha asked.

  There was a short hallway before heading up the stairs and Tabitha wasn’t keen on waking a sleeping baby.

  ‘If we close the door, and we’re only up here a few minutes, she’ll be fine.’ Lewis didn’t have children but he sounded surer about things than she did. ‘How are you getting on? I didn’t want to disrupt you while you’ve been getting settled.’