Everything (ARC)

by Catherine Miller

  As the movement upstairs brought her back to the present, she braved venturing into the front room with the pile of post still clutched in her hand.

  It was strange to be in their home, amongst their things, but feeling utterly detached from the surroundings. There was a photo from their wedding above the mantelpiece. Tabitha picked it up to study. A freeze-frame of time. Andy was the smartest she’d ever seen him, with him wearing a bow tie, his blonde hair cropped shorter. Tabitha was in a cream-and-red dress, having not wanted to go for the traditional white, being a bride in her thirties. Her dark hair was curled and hanging loose and she looked carefree and happy. Lofty the dog was posing with them, a matching bow tie around his neck, rather than his usual collar. It had been a wonderful, low-key day. Close family only after their whirlwind romance, that in her twenties she’d long given up on happening. Finally, she’d found what she’d been hoping for. Andy was the one.

  Had been the one.

  Tabitha carefully placed the photo frame back and concentrated on the rest of the room. There was the old record player Andy had insisted on keeping, along with the record collection he’d loved. There was Tabitha’s assortment of coffee-table books (most of them about interior design) stacked neatly on the shelves and, naturally, on the coffee table. Facets of both their personalities were on show in every room of the house. Yet she felt so heart-achingly removed from it all.

  She’d thought about leaving it all for her dad to sort through, but that wouldn’t be fair. She would first work out if there was anything she wanted to keep other than the shirts she’d already claimed; what old memories she would want to take into her new life. Then she would invite Andy’s parents to come and take away whatever they and the rest of the family wanted.

  She started picking through the post pile. In theory there shouldn’t be much as she’d set up a temporary diversion to her dad’s flat, and the pile in her hand consisted mostly of takeaway flyers and holiday brochures. As Tabitha separated them out there were two hand-delivered cards addressed to her and a letter with handwriting she recognised. It was Toby’s. Why didn’t he understand the need for their friendship to end? Why didn’t he see that he’d inflicted damage onto her life while trying to fix his? Part of her wanted to rip it up and throw it away, but she also needed to know what she was dealing with. She chucked it into her handbag, along with the cards, as if it hadn’t bothered her and she was simply going to recycle it like the rest.

  It didn’t take long for David to take the remaining photographs and he left with reassurances that he was sure they’d have a sale soon. Once she was alone, Tabitha tried to focus on why she was there. She grabbed the Post-it Notes she’d brought. She wrote KEEP on some and stuck them to a few of the items of hers that she wanted put into storage. Anything that was Andy’s that she didn’t want to keep, she put a note saying OTHER.

  It was such an impersonal label, but she had no idea how else to mark this selection without it being a painful reminder of what she was letting go of. It was heartbreakingly difficult to do: divide a home and lose a history. Because even though doing this would never wipe out its existence, it did signify that this was the end of their future. That’s why it was easier to write OTHER. If she put Andy’s name it would make this so much more difficult. It would be as if she was throwing away her memories of him.

  Practically, she knew that wasn’t the case. She knew this was a simple process of labelling items. This was his. This was mine. If it were a divorce those divisions would be easier, their hobbies so unique to each of themselves that there weren’t many things they’d be left squabbling over. But what was supposed to happen when the This was his category no longer had an owner, when, by default, those belongings became hers? This would give Andy’s family the chance to choose what they wanted to remember him by and then she’d get the rest put into storage.

  She knew there was one thing that she would want to keep. It was the clock he’d made for their home. It was skilfully crafted out of wood and metal and was an item of beauty. He’d got hold of a metal rung of a wine barrel and used it to frame a beautiful piece of juniper wood. He’d then added the numbers of the clock in different types of wood: oak, maple and ash. He’d spent weeks out in the shed getting it ready and had presented it to her as a first-wedding-anniversary present. He’d joked he was a little ahead of time, what with wood representing five years of marriage. She wouldn’t have laughed had she known it was an anniversary they’d never get to celebrate.

  Tabitha took the clock off the wall with care, dusting the numbers gently as she went. She wasn’t sure what shape her new life would take, but she would make sure she found room for this. The clock would act as a gentle reminder of the time they had together. It’s intricate work was a testament to Andy’s love for her; the only thing she needed to remember. Not how it ended.

  But even though he wasn’t here, the sound of Lofty’s howls still echoed in her ears, as did the sounds of the argument she wished she could erase. And whenever those things came to mind, they bounced around the chambers of her heart and broke it anew.

  Thirty-One

  Now

  Even though Tabitha knew that Luna would be perfectly okay with Sylvie, she was still reluctant to leave her and that feeling was hard to shake off. It was amazing how quickly she’d adapted to having the little girl around and how looking after her had become second instinct.

  ‘I really hope they haven’t done any damage,’ Tabitha said once she’d finally left Luna and she and Lewis were on their way back to the field.

  ‘Whatever it is can be fixed, I’m sure.’

  ‘That’s not the point though, is it? They shouldn’t be doing anything that needs fixing.’ This was another thing to add to their list of intentional wrongdoings. It was beginning to wear thin.

  Tabitha and Lewis walked up past his garage, following the lane to the back path that would lead them into the field. Everywhere around here had a strange grid-type layout and some places were like a maze to get to.

  There was a stile to climb over to get into the field. Previously it had been filled with hay, but in its resting state it was more like a wildflower meadow, L-shaped with Lewis’s building occupying one corner.

  The back of the garage was the first place Tabitha looked, expecting to see the so-called message emblazoned on the building. She was worried it would be something awful and offensive, but there was nothing other than a line of green moss running vertically along the red-brick wall, indicating that Lewis had some guttering that needed fixing.

  With Lewis by her side, Tabitha wandered along the path that had been carved out into the field. It was the route the girls had clearly been taking, their regular footfall creating a track. The path merged into others making it look like a maze. Perhaps it would be once the meadow flowers and grass grew higher. Was this how they’d been idling away their time? Lewis may have given good intel when he’d mentioned creating crop circles.

  It wasn’t long before they found the girls, both with their backs pressed up against the hidden side of the garage wall, tucked away with their long legs basking in the sunlight while their top halves remained in shade.

  ‘Tabby, haven’t you forgotten something? You don’t go anywhere without your favourite baby,’ Max said when she caught sight of the adults approaching.

  ‘Luna’s with my mum,’ Lewis said.

  Tabitha was glad of his reply. It stopped her from saying something she shouldn’t.

  ‘Can either of you shed some light on why I’ve had a journalist turn up on my doorstep asking about a message?’

  The girls’ expressions told her there was something to it. Syd and Max exchanged a look, Syd’s eyes widening for a second. It sparked suspicion firmly into Tabitha’s thoughts.

  ‘What kind of message?’ Max asked, flicking away the piece of grass she’d been fiddling with.

  Tabitha shrugged. ‘I don’t know. He just said it was something to do with this field. I thought you two might kn
ow what he was on about. Any ideas?’

  ‘Maybe there’s buried treasure here. They’ve found a map and X marks the spot.’ Max laughed while Syd remained silent.

  ‘Have you got any ideas, Syd?’ Lewis asked.

  ‘I told you not to do it.’ Syd launched herself up at a speed only a teenager could manage.

  ‘Shut up, would you?’ Max said.

  ‘No. I’m fed up with you getting us in trouble.’ Syd marched away, leaving the field the way they’d entered.

  ‘Are you going to tell me what this is all about?’ Tabitha asked.

  Max shrugged.

  ‘Do you want me to go after Syd?’ Lewis asked her.

  ‘No, no, I should do that.’ Tabitha needed to make sure she was okay.

  ‘Now don’t be wasting too long telling us off. That crying baby wants you back,’ Max pointed out.

  Sure enough from beyond the hedgerow and across the road, Luna’s cries were audible.

  Never before had Tabitha been so divided. She was in charge of three children and every one of them was in need of her in some way or another. They were all working against each other, especially Max. It was as if she wanted Tabitha to fail. And at that moment, when she didn’t know what problem to attend to first, it was so easy to believe that she really would.

  Thirty-Two

  Now

  The next three days weren’t easy. Max and Syd weren’t talking to each other, nor were they telling Tabitha what they’d fallen out over. The tension in the Bunk-a-low was amplified by Luna having some problems with feeding and her cries of distress were even more frequent than usual.

  As Tabitha was no closer to knowing what the journalist had been on about, she was beginning to wonder whether she should call the Thanet Herald to clarify. She would have done so already, but Luna had been constantly grumbling and crying so today they were off to the drop-in clinic to check there wasn’t anything Tabitha was missing.

  ‘No bacon sarnies for brekkie this morning then, Tabby?’ Max brushed past Tabitha feeding Luna on the sofa as she went towards the open-plan kitchen.

  ‘Everything is in its usual place. You can help yourself. You could even make me a bacon sandwich if you were feeling generous.’

  ‘You’re alright.’

  One of the things Tabitha was tiring of was Max’s attitude. Ever since Luna had arrived she’d been pricklier than ever. The summer holidays meant they were getting zero respite from each other and with the added element of secrets and tiredness, it wasn’t a happy house.

  ‘I’m not alright, really.’ Tabitha knew that wasn’t what Max had been on about, but she was more than happy to admit to not being okay. She was exhausted and the twins were old enough to make her life easier, not more difficult.

  ‘You can always get us moved on. Everyone else has.’ Max placed a slice of bread into the toaster, her back facing Tabitha.

  ‘I hope you realise that thought has never crossed my head. I’m tired, yes. I’m in charge of a baby who doesn’t want to settle without being held. I’m responsible for two teenagers who’d rather spend their days in a field than with me. But just because none of those things are compatible with being well rested doesn’t mean I’m planning on moving anyone on.’ Tabitha was getting on her high horse a bit, but somehow she needed to. It was as if Max wanted to be thrown out, that she had to push boundaries whenever they were set.

  Syd joined them and it gave Tabitha a chance to finish her speech with both of them listening. ‘What you need to realise is when I built this place from the ground up, I did it with you in mind. I might not have known you at the time, but I knew this place was going to be for my family. This place would be a soulless box without you girls filling it up.’

  She didn’t know how else to tell them they were her family, that this was home. She wasn’t sure what would happen to the tiny bundle in her arms, but she knew that it was a temporary love, and that pained her.

  ‘It’s not like you need to worry. We’ll be back at school before long. And like all the other parents we’ve had, you’ll be cheering about it.’ Max took her plate of toast and sauntered off back to her bedroom.

  Tabitha was pretty sure every parent in the land celebrated their kids returning to school and that it wasn’t a privilege reserved for this pair.

  Luna grumbled in her sleep and automatically Tabitha went into soothing mode, standing and rocking the little lump in the hope she might go back to sleep again before requiring another feed.

  ‘You don’t feel like that, do you?’ Tabitha asked Syd. She shouldn’t be asking a fifteen-year-old for reassurance, but her relentless tiredness was inhibiting her ability to think clearly.

  ‘Like what?’ Syd was getting quieter by the day… Tabitha was having to draw out answers rather than them being offered.

  ‘Like I’m just waiting to find an excuse to get rid of you. That somehow you’re not wanted.’

  Syd shrugged. ‘I don’t know. I guess things are different now with her here.’

  It had been four weeks. Four weeks of sleepless nights and exhaustion. Tabitha kept hoping it would get easier. That somehow the two girls would adjust. Or Luna would cry less. She’d thought, or rather hoped, that they would have helped out rather than treating the baby like it was some kind of alien invasion. But there was no attempt from either of them to fill the big-sister role.

  ‘Luna is part of our family as well. At least she is for now. But that doesn’t make anything different. Your home is always here.’

  As well as seeing the health visitor this morning, Tabitha had Julie coming over in the afternoon. She was beginning to learn that Julie tended to want to see her in person when something was up. If everything was going swimmingly it was a telephone conversation. If something was going to change it was a one-to-one session. The pattern was pretty easy to follow and for all she knew her time with Luna might be coming to an end anyway. Something else that Tabitha didn’t feel ready for.

  ‘Here you go,’ Syd said, as she delivered a plate of hastily buttered toast.

  ‘What’s this?’

  ‘Your breakfast. I’m no good at cooking bacon.’

  ‘Thank you.’ The sweet gesture was enough to make her want to cry.

  ‘And I never meant to say it. Max is the one with all the bright ideas.’

  Tabitha was too busy staring at the welcome sight of toast to take in what Syd was saying. ‘Pardon?’

  ‘Never mind. Enjoy your toast.’ Syd slunk back to her bedroom before Tabitha was able to ask any more.

  About an hour later, Lewis pulled onto the driveway ready to take Tabitha and Luna to the drop-in clinic. He was an actual godsend. His kindness made Tabitha’s belly do little flips knowing how lucky she was to have him in her life.

  ‘You all set?’

  ‘I think so.’ She’d managed to get Luna in her car seat and the changing bag was full of all the required items. She’d even remembered to pack some energy snacks for the adults if they were stuck there for too long.

  Lewis got Luna into the car without any upset which was something of a miracle, and Tabitha was about to slide into the passenger seat when she noticed the newspaper in his hand.

  ‘Are you ready for the bad news?’ Lewis asked, waving the paper in her direction.

  Tabitha shook her head and swallowed hard. ‘Nope. Is it awful?’

  ‘It’s not nice. I’ll pretend I never saw it if you’d rather not know.’

  The low grumble of Luna starting to unsettle took Tabitha’s attention for a second, but it didn’t distract her enough. She needed to know what had made it to the paper. ‘Tell me, whatever it is.’

  ‘It’s the centrefold,’ Lewis said, handing over the paper.

  ‘We’ve got to get going if we’re going to make the clinic. Thank you for taking us.’ Whatever was in the newspaper, Tabitha could really do without it. Especially when the girls had had plenty of time to tell her, and Luna should have been her main concern right now.

  �
�I would have turned our trip into a driving lesson for you if it wasn’t for the fact you need to look at the paper.’

  They had managed a couple of trips out before Luna had come along. Even though Tabitha had been nervous, she’d not forgotten all the things she’d previously learned.

  ‘I think I’m too tired to be at the wheel.’ The weariness seeped out of her as she said the words.

  Once they were on their way and Luna had settled with the movement of the car, Tabitha braved looking inside the newspaper. When she found the centrefold the headline read:

  DRONE DISCOVERS HIDDEN MESSAGE.

  Below it was a two-page spread with a picture of the field. What Tabitha had thought was a maze of paths the girls had created amongst the tall grasses and meadow flowers was in fact a large arrow pointing to the Bunk-a-low. Above the arrow were words that had been carefully crafted out of the grass:

  MY MUM IS A BITCH.

  So that was why they had been spending so much time in the field. Tabitha crumpled up the newspaper in her hands without meaning to. The muscles in her fingers contracted with the hurt the message had punched her with. It formed like a heavy ball in her chest. She was exhausted with all the plates she was trying to spin and this was their way of saying thanks.

  ‘Are you okay? I shouldn’t have showed you.’ Lewis briefly squeezed Tabitha’s knee, sending an unexpected pulse through her that she tried to ignore.

  Straightening out the newspaper, she realised that however hurtful the gesture was, now wasn’t the time to focus on it. She needed to make sure Luna was okay first. If Luna was in discomfort for any reason, she wanted to know why and what was to be done.