Everything (ARC)

by Catherine Miller

  ‘So, you’re not a fan of Luna then?’ Lewis said, not aware of as much of the girl’s history as Tabitha.

  ‘She’s a baby. All babies are pretty basic, like.’

  ‘They’re not once you get to know them,’ Frank said. ‘I know it’s been some years, but Tabitha’s personality was out in full force from early on.’

  ‘The same with my three,’ Sylvie added.

  Max’s response had made Tabitha grin. She’d always loved babies, but it clearly wasn’t inherently true of everyone. There was no escaping the fact that she enjoyed playing mum, but there was also no escaping the fact she wasn’t mum. And although hearing Max talk about fragments of her past was a breakthrough in itself, it seemed like they all needed some more bonding.

  ‘We need to spend some more days together. We have so much to learn about each other still.’

  ‘I could always take some days off work,’ Lewis offered. ‘Mum can join us if we head down to the beach.’

  ‘The two cars will get us all down there,’ Frank said, his munching finished.

  ‘What a good idea,’ Sylvie said.

  ‘Well, I was told this was a discussion for adults. I thought I’d have a go at being one for once,’ Lewis said.

  ‘This would seem the right time to go and get dessert. Enough adulting for today. Jelly and ice cream all round to stop us feeling so grown-up?’ Tabitha said.

  It turned out that her troubles were bringing the whole of Orchard Lane together and it was a relief to feel like she wasn’t battling alone. She just hoped that for her and the girls, playing at happy families would actually make them one.

  Unrequited Love

  There is so much hope caught up with love. We hope that it will last. We hope that it will be what we’ve always imagined. We hope that it will be reciprocated. And all these hopes come dancing out of us, but what do we do when there is no one to dance with? When the rhythm was only ever a myth?

  Do we still hope? Of course we do. Relentlessly. Even when it is impossible.

  Thirty-Six

  Now

  Tabitha had fond memories from her childhood of summer days spent at the beach with her mum and dad. They’d go for a day trip, spending it crabbing by the beach or playing in the arcades or enjoying a picnic. And once every summer, they’d have a trip to Dreamland with its old-fashioned rides and sugary donut treats.

  There was a sense of coming full circle bringing her children here. And at the same time it made her miss her mum. What she’d do to have her here offering advice in all the right places.

  ‘This place is so different to when I was last here. They’ve done a great job,’ Lewis said, as they passed through the entrance.

  ‘It’s amazing. I love the vintage theme. It’s not much different from when I was a kid, actually,’ Tabitha said, inadvertently referring to herself as vintage.

  Syd and Max had already gone ahead and were getting distracted by old-fashioned penny machines. Frank and Sylvie caught up with them and were giving tutorials on how the older machines worked.

  Lewis threw a supportive arm round Tabitha’s shoulders as she pushed Luna in the pram. The act made her tummy flip in a way it often did around Lewis these days. They left the others behind and made their way out into the sunshine, the rays reflecting off giant letters that spelt out DREAMLAND.

  ‘It’ll be okay you know,’ he said.

  ‘I hope so,’ she replied. ‘And if I get to spend some time with them today, hopefully it’ll help.’

  The previous night, after their respective parents had left and the kids were all in bed, Tabitha and Lewis had the chance to have a heart-to-heart. She’d told him about the extra sketches she’d found and how they must be of Jolie, and she’d shared her concerns about how neither Syd nor Max were really talking to her about it.

  ‘Time to let me play dad then,’ Lewis said as he took over pram duties.

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘The only way this gets easier is if you let people help you out. I know you like to have everything lined up neatly, but sometimes you have to let go a little to help yourself.’

  ‘How have you sussed me out so well?’ Tabitha never found it easy if she didn’t feel like she was in control.

  ‘It’s all those coffee breaks we’ve had together. I’ll make sure you get to spend some time with Max and Syd, as long as you promise me you’ll have some fun as well.’

  With the colourful parade of rides that were greeting them as they reached the park it was hard to see how she wouldn’t. The rickety sound of the scenic railway chugged away nearby as it made its ascent, the carousel danced its way round and round near a section with miniature motorbikes designed for tots. There were whoops and cheers from far away and Tabitha smiled as a family passed them with the father holding a bear that was almost too big for him to carry.

  While Luna was looked after by Sylvie and Lewis, Tabitha got to enjoy getting dizzy on spinning cups, riding on gallopers and taking a trip on the big wheel to enjoy the scenes across Margate town. It was nice to spend time with Max and Syd when they had smiles on their faces, the wind blowing through their hair as they whizzed from ride to ride and Tabitha just about kept up.

  ‘Can we go on the Cyclone Twist next?’ Syd asked, rushing in front like an excitable child. It was nice to see her enjoying herself.

  ‘Nah, not me,’ Max said.

  Tabitha observed the ride from afar for a moment. It was whizzing round at a speed that looked truly nauseating. ‘I’m not sure I’m ready for that yet. My stomach hasn’t settled from you two spinning me round on the teacups.’

  ‘My turn for this one then,’ Lewis offered.

  Sylvie and Frank were busy rocking Luna in her pram so Tabitha took her opportunity.

  ‘Let’s go and check out what there is to eat,’ Tabitha said to Max. There was a parade of take-out style vendors not far away.

  ‘I’m starving.’

  ‘What do you fancy? It looks like they have every cuisine covered.’

  ‘Noodles for the win.’

  Tabitha wasn’t sure if that might have been because it was closest, but the offerings of vegetable spring rolls and fresh noodle dishes certainly looked tempting.

  ‘Shall we get some prawn crackers to share now and we can reserve this bench for when the others join us?’

  ‘They better not take long. I’m starving marvin.’

  There was a brightly painted blue picnic bench and they took a seat beside each other. For a while Tabitha took in the scents of the cooking food from the nearby stalls and the sounds of the rides and general fizz of excitement that was in the air. She soaked up the buzz around them and the gentle rays of the sun warming her skin. It was the kind of day where it was easy to forget about any troubles.

  That thought made Tabitha question whether she should press Max for some information about the drawings she’d found. But then she needed to take the opportunity while she had it. After crunching her way through another prawn cracker, the tanginess lingering on her tongue as they melted away, Tabitha braved bringing it up.

  ‘I came across some of your sketches. They’re really amazing.’ She was trying to go in with a hint of casual interest.

  Max regarded Tabitha for a moment as she chewed on a cracker. ‘It’s just a hobby.’

  ‘You’re very talented. Is it something you plan to pursue?’

  ‘You could say that.’

  ‘I’m sure you’d do well from it and we can look into what courses are available after school. Who was the portrait of?’

  Tabitha held her breath hoping Max would tell her. Whereas before she’d denied the sketch was hers, that wasn’t possible now. Max took another prawn cracker and chewed on it slowly, glancing over to the ride her sister was on.

  ‘It’s Jolie. It might sound silly, but I keep drawing her because I’m afraid I’ll forget what she looks like.’

  Tabitha knew exactly what she meant. ‘Do you miss her?’

  Max shrugged he
r shoulder in a half-hearted way. ‘I thought she was a little grub, but then she was no longer my sister and it turns out I miss the grub.’

  ‘That must be tough.’

  ‘Of course it is,’ Max said, as if Tabitha was stupid. ‘It’s not like she’s dead. But she might as well be, as I’m not allowed to be part of her life any more.’

  ‘Have you tried to get in touch or ask Julie if she can for you?’

  ‘What’s the point? Julie thinks it’s all fair enough. It’s not like she’ll ever be on my side.’

  ‘I’m on your side,’ Tabitha managed to say just before the others joined them.

  ‘I wish I could believe it, but I’ve heard it before,’ Max said rather cuttingly.

  Maybe Tabitha would never succeed in showing Max that she meant what she said. But she would have to try and continue the conversation again at another point. Max certainly seemed a bit more open when her sister wasn’t about.

  ‘That was awesome,’ Lewis said breathlessly, his gaze falling on Tabitha.

  Between them, they all enjoyed a multitude of cuisines. Tabitha and Lewis settled on spicy pork burritos, while Frank and Sylvie shared a huge portion of fish and chips, and both girls tried the loaded hot dogs that were so messy they needed extra napkins. Luna was kind enough to sleep while they dined.

  ‘It’s your turn on the turbo rides next, Frank!’ Syd said, laughing.

  ‘Not after this lot. I’ve already cleared up after Luna, so it’ll be your turn to clear up after me if I’m sick. ’

  ‘No, thanks.’

  It wasn’t the last time the air was filled with their collective laughter that day. Luna only cranked up to full crying mode four times and Sylvie managed to field those outbursts like the pro that she was.

  It wasn’t until they’d all got dizzy several times over that Lewis managed to engineer Tabitha some alone time with Syd. Knowing the time would be short, Tabitha cut to the quick.

  ‘Do you miss Jolie and your old family?’

  They were looking for the nearest place to get ice cream. Tabitha had clocked a parlour on the way in so they were heading there to check out the menu.

  ‘Why would I miss people I hate?’

  ‘Do you really hate them?’ It was such a strong emotion to be carrying.

  ‘It’s hard not to. Who makes a promise and breaks it like that?’

  ‘Who indeed?’ Tabitha’s thoughts briefly landed on the people who’d not turned out to be what she’d hoped they would. ‘I hope you don’t mind me asking. I figured there hadn’t been much chance to discuss it, and you and Max don’t tend to bring it up.’

  ‘You don’t either, you know. You don’t talk about your husband to us.’

  ‘I guess it hurts to talk about it.’

  ‘Same,’ Syd said, matter-of-factly.

  They reached the parlour with all the signature ice creams.

  ‘It doesn’t mean we shouldn’t talk about it, though,’ Tabitha persisted.

  ‘Tell me about how your husband died then.’

  ‘Do you really want to know that? It’s a tad morbid.’ As soon as the words left her lips she knew she was being tested.

  ‘You see. You don’t want to talk about it because it hurts. Some things are better left unsaid. Some things are better dealt with by eating ice cream.’

  And just like that, Tabitha had been schooled by a fifteen-year-old. Because how could she argue with that.

  Thirty-Seven

  Then

  When it was time for Tabitha to look on the open market for her new place, loyalty took her to David’s estate agency. He was ready for her arrival with profiles of every property he had on his books that was within her budget.

  Her cottage had sold easily. Even though the offer was slightly below what the property was worth, given how much flux the market was in, Tabitha had happily said yes. Now she was due a nest egg of money and she needed to find somewhere to call her own.

  Part of the reason David had offered her so many properties to look through was that she didn’t know what she wanted. There was an element of needing something that was futureproof, but how was it possible to decide what that was when she didn’t know what it looked like?

  David was patient with all the viewings they’d started to undertake. He took her to Victorian flats, three-storey modern town houses, country cottages… He’d even recommended she explored what other estate agents were listing to get a real idea of what she was looking for.

  It was early on in the search that she realised, even without her husband, she still wanted children. She could have taken any of the properties if she wanted it just for herself. But she knew that the desire to have a family was still burning within her. She’d started looking into fostering at the same time and going to an open day gave her some very clear ideas on what requirements a house would need to meet in order to be suitable.

  They’d asked her lots of questions, ones that would be part of the fostering process, and it made her realise that while she was searching for a new home, there was absolutely no urge in her to start searching for a partner. There was far too much raw heartache within her to even start considering that. But she wanted to look into the avenues that were open to her in other ways. She wanted to see what she would be able to achieve now she wasn’t able to create life with the man she loved.

  The man she had loved.

  She hated that she had to keep reminding herself of the correct tense. That even within her thought pattern she stumbled over remembering what was past and what was present. There were moments when grief was like that. It would come along in its all-consuming way and remind her of what she’d lost. She couldn’t imagine ever loving someone in the way she’d loved Andy. She wasn’t able to imagine wanting a child with anyone else, so it made sense that if she still had a ball of love tied up inside her, that it should be used to care for other children.

  Making that decision provided her with tentative steps towards the next stage of her life. Only with every property she visited she wasn’t sure of the shape of it. What would the family home she wanted look like?

  It was impossible to know, until David rang to tell her he had something completely different coming onto his books.

  ‘It doesn’t have any of the things you need, but it has all the scope required when you work out exactly what you do want,’ he’d said to her on the phone.

  Now they were here, it was clear why David had said she would need Wellington boots for the viewing. He’d delivered her to a field and she was already eager to see what it was that was on offer.

  ‘Can I go ahead?’ Tabitha asked.

  ‘Of course. I’ll be with you in a minute once I’ve got these on.’ David started battling with his Wellington boots.

  There was a wooden gate leading into the field, on a lane with only a few other buildings. There was a neat bungalow further along with a workshop opposite. Then the road dipped and turned and she wasn’t able to see further along.

  Rather than opening the gate, Tabitha climbed over it, and as she hopped into the field her stomach did a little flip because she’d caught sight of the building she was sure would become her home.

  It was a barn that was only just identifiable, due to the amount of foliage that was attempting to take over it. It appeared to have been abandoned for some time and she was having to trudge through weeds a couple of feet high to get close.

  ‘Go careful,’ David hollered over as her balance become more precarious with each step.

  ‘What is this place?’ There was a surprising amount of enthusiasm in Tabitha’s voice.

  ‘It’s a whole heap of potential, that’s what it is!’

  ‘But what purpose did the building have before it became a plant?’

  ‘It was here for storage. It’s been derelict for many years. It was purchased by a businessman who had designs on doing it up, but he invested in lots of property before he passed away. The family are selling all of his investments that are incomplete pro
jects, or in this case one that never got off the ground.’

  Navigating the property became easier as Tabitha got closer to the building, where there was an actual path without so much growth. She started to take in more of the details: the ancient barn door with strands of ivy growing in tendrils up the sides, the beams keeping the structure upright. She wondered if she’d finally be able to put her dad’s trade skills to full use. He might be retired, but he was still a builder. Perhaps there was one more project in him.

  There was more to it than met the eye. On the approach, only the narrower part of the building was visible, but it stretched out for metres and it was far bigger than the impression she had from her first glimpse.

  ‘You need to wear one of these if you want to go inside.’

  Tabitha had been too busy staring at the structure to notice the hardhats in David’s hand.

  ‘I definitely want to see what the rest has to offer.’

  David laughed. ‘There won’t be any fitted kitchens if that’s what you’re hoping for.’

  ‘No, but can I find a place for the kitchen to go.’

  With her hat in place, Tabitha shoved the barn door open and, pushing a weed or two out of the way, managed to fight her way in. David helped by throwing light on proceedings with a torch.

  She used her phone to add some extra light into the vast space. The building was not much more than four walls and some central columns keeping the roof up. There were a few places where light was creeping in where it shouldn’t and there was evidence that there were a fair number of insects taking shelter. But on the whole the structure would easily house at least three bedrooms, even more if any kind of extension was possible. ‘Does it have planning permission?’ she asked.

  Tabitha realised her mind was racing ahead. This could be… It would be everything she would need and it would be entirely hers. Whatever she wanted to do within this space she’d be able to. Unless of course legalities got in the way.