Everything (ARC)

by Catherine Miller

  Tabitha went to find her father to give him a hug. ‘I can’t believe we’ve done it. Well, you have, mostly. Thank you, Dad.’

  She knew if she’d had to pay someone else to do everything her father had, her budget wouldn’t have seen the project through to the finished product. His input meant she hadn’t had to return to work. She’d not felt able to go back to a school where her ex-best friend still worked, and the thought of settling in somewhere new had felt too overwhelming, as had the thought of teaching a whole class.

  What her dad had done for her meant so much, but more than anything she knew it was the thing he was able to do best. In the face of not being able to fix his daughter’s broken heart, he was providing his most practical ability.

  There was officially a line between the past and the present. Other than her father, she’d cut all ties. She was a different woman to the one she had been. She didn’t want anything to do with her past and those who’d been in it. Not after everything that had happened. This here was her future.

  While the chambers of a heart were too delicate to mend, it was possible to build walls around them. With the building nearing completion, she was able to see this as the scaffolding for her broken self. These were the walls that would support her as she picked herself up and learned to live again. Perhaps she’d even find a way to love again.

  Forty-One

  Now

  ‘Can you get your dirty cups and dishes out of your room please, Max?’

  Judging by the smell that was coming from her room again, there was at least one item that needed rescuing, and in the current heatwave, Tabitha didn’t want it left there any longer.

  Max flicked her sunglasses to her forehead and made an ‘ucckkk’ noise, as if Tabitha had interrupted something pertinent to life. She was too busy lounging in the sun to make time for household chores. ‘Do I have to?’

  Tabitha took a meditative breath before answering. ‘There aren’t magical fairies clearing up after you. These are things you need to be doing yourself.’

  ‘You’re not my mum. You don’t get to tell me what to do.’

  ‘But I’m your foster parent. Try and remember that.’ Ever since their trip to the theme park, Max had become defensive and hostile.

  Max moved to look at Tabitha, using her hand to block out the sun, but didn’t respond with any words. Instead, she started to put in her ear plugs.

  ‘Look, if you haven’t cleared them out before Luna wakes up then I’m going to go in there myself and get them out.’

  ‘What? Soz, can’t hear you.’ Max indicated towards her now blocked ears.

  Tabitha sighed, going to join Syd who was busy watching her favourite soap opera.

  ‘Have you got any dishes in your room?’ Tabitha asked.

  ‘No, they’re all in the dishwasher.’ What a contrast she was to her sister at times.

  ‘Do you know what’s up with your sister today?’

  ‘She’s just tetchy sometimes. It’ll pass.’

  ‘I hope it does.’

  The weather wasn’t helping. It meant they were all more hot and bothered than usual.

  Instead of filling the time with housework, Tabitha decided to curl up on the sofa with Syd and Lofty. Lofty moved to accommodate her so that the dog was somehow draped over both of them, getting the best of both worlds, ears being tickled and back being stroked.

  Tabitha rested her eyes, only listening to the television drama which she was able to half follow these days.

  ‘Can I feed Luna when she wakes up?’ Syd asked.

  Tabitha jerked up, causing Lofty to unsettle momentarily. ‘Of course. Why the change of heart?’

  Both Syd and Max had been paying Luna zero attention, despite Tabitha trying to encourage some interaction.

  ‘Because I know you’re doing what’s best for all of us. And I can see you’re tired and if I can help, I should.’

  The sentence was enough to make Tabitha want to burst into tears. She’d been up three times in the night with Luna and even though she wasn’t having to be fed in the middle of the night now, the relentless disruptions to sleep were beginning to take their toll. ‘Thank you. That’s a really great thing to hear. Do you want me to show you how to get one of her bottles ready?’

  It was a well-timed question as the ending credits to Syd’s show started to play.

  It only took a few minutes to give a demonstration of how to first wash the bottles then place them in the steriliser, completing the task by pressing a button. Syd followed the instructions easily and soon had clean bottles to fill with formula. Tabitha then showed Syd how to make up the formula and how checking the temperature of the milk was important.

  Soon they had a bottle ready and, as if sensing it, Luna started up her characteristic howling. Tabitha went to get Luna and tried to soothe her cries by placing her on her shoulder and rubbing her back. It never did much to placate her upset when she was hungry.

  ‘Do you want to sit on the sofa? We can set you up there.’

  Syd did as she was asked and waited for Tabitha to pass Luna over.

  ‘There you go.’

  Tabitha made sure Luna was in a good position and passed the bottle to Syd. It didn’t take long for the baby to settle into suckling away and for a moment Tabitha stopped and stared. It was such a beautiful scene to glance upon: her older foster daughter caring for her youngest. Hopefully it wouldn’t be a one-off.

  It was a shame that Max wasn’t about to join in any time soon.

  * * *

  ‘Are you going to get those cups?’ Tabitha asked Max outside, feeling like a broken record.

  Max moved her legs off the lounger and at least appeared like she might be capable of making an effort.

  ‘I’m not being lazy. I just need a rest.’

  Tabitha laughed. ‘You’re not the only one.’

  It really would be rather marvellous to sit down for five minutes while Luna was with Syd and Max was clearing her room out.

  ‘You’re not going in my room again. I know that’s how you know about my Jolie sketches. I’ll do it later.’

  Ah. There was the bug bear. Or at least Tabitha hoped that was what it was. ‘I was just clearing out the wildlife you were trying to grow in your room. You shouldn’t leave stuff there so long it starts to smell like bad cheese if you don’t want me going in there.’

  ‘You’ve got no right going through my things.’

  ‘I wasn’t going through your things.’ Not deliberately at least. ‘I was retrieving a mouldy bowl. And if you aren’t about to go and clear what’s in your room, then I’ll be doing it again.’

  Max was making no effort to move in this silly stand-off. If the teenager wasn’t going to get up, Tabitha was going to have to locate the source herself. ‘I’ll do it then.’

  ‘You can’t. I said I’ll do it later.’

  Luna started to emit a high-pitched scream and Tabitha realised she’d not told Syd about burping the baby.

  ‘You aren’t the only person to think about in this household. There’s a question of hygiene to consider, especially with a baby about.’

  ‘Of course. Luna’s your first concern as always.’

  ‘That’s not what I said.’ Tabitha was too tired to try and justify what she’d meant.

  The doorbell rang.

  It was perfectly awful timing and for a second, Tabitha didn’t know where to put herself.

  ‘Sit Luna up and pat her back,’ Tabitha said to Syd, as she headed to the door, saying a little prayer to herself. A cold caller turning up would not be met with a warm reception.

  ‘There, there,’ Syd said as Luna rattled off another wail.

  On the doorstep, stood the past.

  She’d drawn lines. Lines to protect her from the people she didn’t want to face, and yet here Melissa was standing at her front door with Lofty coming to greet her like the old friend she once was.

  ‘Can you take her? She won’t stop crying.’ Syd passed Luna over. It wa
s instantly apparent that the baby had soiled her nappy.

  ‘There, there,’ Tabitha said, almost as much to comfort herself as anyone else.

  ‘Hi,’ the ghost from the past said. ‘Wow! I can see you have your hands full. Is there any chance we can talk?’

  Tabitha was too frozen to respond. There were too many things happening at once. She’d been so careful to keep this life and that life separate.

  It was her heart beating hard in her chest that reminded her she needed to answer, that perhaps she wasn’t imagining things. ‘How do you know where I live?’ was all she managed to say.

  She didn’t want Melissa to think she was welcome here. There were so many reasons that she’d wiped the slate clean. There were so many echoes she no longer wished to hear.

  ‘Your drone fame helped. I didn’t realise it was you at first. You look so different. The short hair suits you.’

  Tabitha put a hand to her now cropped locks. Even though her first instinct was to say thank you, and to casually stroll into conversation as if their friendship had never been lost, Tabitha couldn’t do it to herself. She’d come too far. ‘You need to leave.’

  ‘I can see it’s not a convenient time. Maybe at another point… This evening, perhaps?’

  Tabitha managed to move her lips, but no words came out. What was she supposed to say? There was not enough lightness in her heart to forget. That was something she knew she’d never be able to do.

  ‘If you gave me your new number, I could ring you,’ Melissa practically pleaded.

  ‘Who’s this?’ Max said, joining Tabitha at the door.

  Luna wailed some more and still Tabitha’s brain was only partially functioning. She didn’t know how to respond.

  ‘Telesales. They’re going,’ Tabitha said to Max.

  ‘I see,’ Melissa said, a hint of sadness reaching those two words.

  Sorry was the word Tabitha wanted to hear. But was that possible if Melissa didn’t know what she needed to be sorry for?

  Max and Syd left, driven away by disinterest and Luna’s mounting cries.

  ‘I don’t want to see you. I don’t want to speak to you. Life is different now. If it helps make you feel better why don’t you write? Explain to me in a letter what makes a best friend behave like that.’

  Tabitha didn’t keep the door open long enough to observe any kind of reaction. She didn’t have time for it. What was important was making Luna happy again and making sure Max cleared her room. She carried on with dinner. She continued life on autopilot, not wanting to let the effects of shock settle in.

  It was only when she went to put the bins out later that she had a moment alone to take stock. She found herself searching Orchard Lane for signs of the ghost that had visited her door.

  Memories of that night trickled through… The things that had been said, how she’d behaved. And none of them were to know. None of them could have predicted what would happen next, what tragedy would follow. All Tabitha knew was it caused a fracture so deep there was no way for it to be healed. Sometimes the people in the past were in the past for a very good reason.

  Forty-Two

  Now

  Tabitha didn’t really want a driving lesson, but she’d wanted the chance to talk to Lewis alone.

  ‘Are you okay? You seem tense.’

  Driving was easy these days. It turned out she was quite the natural when she wasn’t taking a test.

  ‘Something happened yesterday. It’s really unsettled me.’ Tabitha was heading down the straight route to the coast where they would be able to go for a wander.

  ‘What happened? Have the girls done something else?’

  It was a nice change that it wasn’t the twins. Despite her grumbling, Max had eventually produced the bowl that housed rice-pudding remnants that smelt more like cauliflower cheese.

  ‘An old friend turned up.’

  ‘Old boyfriend?’ Lewis turned towards her.

  ‘No, an old girlfriend. She’s not my friend any more.’

  ‘Oh. And what did she say? Why has it upset you?’

  Tabitha was glad to pull into the car park at the bottom of Margate Sands.

  ‘She shouldn’t have my address for starters.’

  ‘How did she find out where you were? Should I be worried?’

  Tabitha got out of the car, ready to walk along the promenade. ‘That stupid video.’ At the time she’d been so worried about the girls’ safeguarding she’d not thought that it might threaten her.

  ‘Wow! It’s really not okay to turn up at someone’s house just because you’ve managed to locate them on the internet.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘I hope you told her not to bother you again. Are you going to tell me why she’s no longer a friend?’

  ‘Can we get an ice cream first?’ She needed some sugar to get her through. She was worried that somehow what had happened in the past with her old friends would make her new friend see her differently.

  ‘Of course, ice cream coming right up.’ Lewis put his arm around her shoulder. ‘And you don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to.’

  ‘I’ve asked her to write me a letter. Seeing as she knows my address.’

  ‘Why don’t you want to speak to her in person? Apart from the fact she’s stalked her way into finding you?’

  They reached the food kiosk and, as it was a blustery day, they didn’t have a queue to contend with.

  ‘It’s hard to explain. It’s because she had her chance to tell me in person at the time.’

  Lewis collected the two ice cream cones with flakes and handed one to her. ‘To tell you what?’

  ‘She was having an affair.’

  ‘With your husband?’ Lewis almost dropped his ice cream.

  ‘No, not with Andy.’ Tabitha took her flake from her ice cream and took a bite.

  ‘But she never told you?’

  ‘No, but her husband did. And he accused Andy. It caused a lot of upset and then Andy died and I couldn’t forgive either of them. Not with everything that happened. It’s not exactly how I ever thought my best friend would behave.’ Tabitha had so many emotions caught up around what happened that it was impossible to unthread them.

  ‘Cheating is the worst. It’s why I split up with my ex. When children weren’t forthcoming I think she wanted a way out, but you should break up with someone, not cheat as a get-out clause. And it’s all the little lies you’ve been told on top of the big one that make it so hurtful. I know where you’re coming from.’

  They found a bench that looked over the coast and lowered themselves onto it. ‘Really? I’m so sorry. There’s me moaning about a best mate doing it and you had your actual partner do it to you.’

  ‘It’s one of those things. It’s obviously not what I wanted to happen, but I’ve learned to live with it.’

  ‘Life can be really unfair at times.’ Tabitha was welling up without meaning to. ‘How come it can take the good ones and then there’s cheaters like that who get to live life like nothing matters?’

  ‘We just have to make the best of what life offers.’

  Tabitha knew it was true and she wiped off her wayward tears, hoping that Lewis didn’t mind that she was still crying for her husband years after losing him.

  ‘I keep trying,’ she said, realising that she was always attempting to make the best of situations. That everything she’d done since Andy’s death was in an effort to make the best of her life.

  ‘Don’t feel bad because she turned up uninvited. And if you do ever want to speak to her in person, you let me know and I’ll be there for you, okay?’

  Tabitha nodded, despite another tear working its way loose.

  ‘O-Kay?’ Lewis re-emphasised, dabbing his ice cream on the end of her nose at the same time.

  ‘Oi!’ Tabitha responded by doing the same and within seconds her tears had turned to giggles.

  And there it was… That flutter. One that shouldn’t exist and yet it kept growing the more time s
he spent with Lewis, to the point it was unmistakable.

  Lewis was ten years her junior. He was her friend and neighbour. Since she’d moved to Little Birchington he’d become one of the strongest pillars in her network of support. It had always been platonic and she’d always liked to believe those kind of friendships between a man and a woman could exist. She didn’t expect this one to change.

  And yet for the rest of the conversation she was hyper-aware of this new static energy that she was no longer able to ignore. She observed how they made each other laugh with ease, how he knew what she wanted before asking for it and how they bounced off each other.

  It was the same as always. So why did it feel so utterly different?

  New Love

  You must not let any love, new or old, dull your sparkle. In the same way, you should not let any friend do the same.

  Most of all, you should not let an old love stop you from finding new love. It would be so easy to believe one cannot spring from the other. But it does. It does over and over again, because it has to. Because love is equal to hope. And what a world we would be without that.

  Find hope. Search for it. And once you have it, never let go.

  Forty-Three

  Now

  When Tabitha returned home, the letter was already waiting for her. It was unsettling to discover it hadn’t been delivered by the Royal Mail, but by hand, so once again, Melissa had been at her property.

  She’d said goodbye to Lewis at the garage with the strange fizzing in her stomach still bubbling away, but the discovery of the envelope had soon put a stop to that.

  ‘Are you okay, love? Luna’s been fine.’

  ‘Thanks, Dad. Did anyone knock?’ She’d not told her father about the visitor from her past yet. If she did, she knew he’d worry.