by Steve Lill
Rule 3
Only three people to ride on Rex at once.
Rule 4
Any more than three will be eaten by Rex.
Rule 5
Everyone has to do my pig-hunting dance whenever I say.
Rule 6
No we don’t, that’s a stupid rule.
Rule 7
No it isn’t.
Rule 8
Yes it is. Let’s get on with some proper rules.
Rule 9
We can climb up trees whenever we want.
Rule 10
We won’t laugh at anyone climbing trees even if they only go a bit of the way up.
Rule 11
The same for swimming.
Rule 12
You mean if they don’t go very deep, not ‘if they only go a bit of the way up’?
Rule 13
Yes.
Rule 14
If we see any aliens we will defend ourselves with rocks and bamboo spears.
Rule 15
What if they’ve got lasers?
Rule 16
They won’t have.
Rule 17
Actually, I think the likelihood of the invaders having lasers is quite high.
Rule 18
Who cares what you think?
Rule 19
Do you think we’ve got enough rules now?
Rule 20
No.
Rule 21
Now we have.
CHAPTER 10
LUNCHTIME
MEETING
Out on the playground at dinnertime Alice came over and sat by Ally and Josh. ‘That was great! I wish that lesson would go on all day. Even after lunch!’
‘It’s not going to,’ said Josh, flatly.
‘I know. It’s Maths after dinner,’ Alice replied.
‘I don’t just mean the lesson ending. I mean the school and the whole world and everyone.’
‘What? Talk sense; you’re beginning to sound like Ally.’
Josh turned to face his friend. ‘Tell her.’
‘I cannot tell her anything. I am an ordinary small human going about his ordinary business with nothing unusual to report.’
‘Ordinary? You? I don’t think so!’ said Josh and Alice together. Then they looked at each other.
‘I can assure you, Alice that I… ’
‘Tell her!’ Josh thumped Ally hard on the shoulder.
Quietly, Hannah had walked across to stand by her friend. Laurence appeared as if from nowhere to be near any hint of physical violence. He was worried he might miss a chance to join in.
‘Very well. If the five of us could form a pentagon… ’ The best they could mange was a small circle, facing each other.
The bell for the end of lunchtime rang out across the playground, summoning everyone back into school.
‘My friends, there is something important I wish to share with you,’ Ally said, calmly.
Transmission from Taar Epsilon 4 Space Fleet Commander to undercover agent 47/23
The fleet will arrive at the target planet at 24.45.92.Q, equivalent to the Earth time of half past five this afternoon. Your idea of hiding behind Jupiter has been rejected. Our plan is a direct assault, taking no prisoners. Your idea of saving a number of Earthlings has also been rejected. We will have no use for them after the planet has been stripped of all its natural resources. We quite fancy some icecream, though. Learn the recipe for icecream before we arrive.
You will ensure that the landing area is clear of hamsters. You are aware of how ticklish we are.
You will now transmit the co-ordinates of your location so that the invasion can begin and you can be returned to Taar Epsilon 4 as a Hero of the Empire. There will probably be a medal in it for you. Or, at least, some icecream.
Transmission from undercover Agent 47/23 to Space Fleet Commander
Prepare to receive video transmission from the landing location. I am ready.
CHAPTER 11
MATHS, THEN AFTER SCHOOL FOOTBALL CLUB
‘Ally, what are we going to do?’ Josh was biting his nails, Hannah was holding Alice’s hand tightly and Laurence was slumped over the table with his forehead resting on his maths book. As this was his usual position, however, Miss Frinkley’s attention was elsewhere.
Having let all four children into his secret, Ally knew it was time for action. ‘Is it not the day for Foot the Ball practice after school?’ It was.
‘I suggest that we all volunteer to stay for this activity. Does anyone know where Miss Frinkley keeps her micro video camera?’ Laurence admitted that it was currently in his bag.
‘Then, in the confusion of children running out to the Foot the Ball field, we must all meet in here after Miss Frinkley has left to refill her World’s Best Teacher mug with hot, brown liquid.’
With a little help from Ally, and also Alice when they realised that Ally didn’t know what a pizza was, the whole group completed their fractions problems. The school day ended.
Shouts of children greeting parents.
Shouts of parents calling children to leave that alone and get on home.
Shouts of the Head calling parents to his office.
Shouts of teachers battling over the coffee machine.
Silence of five pupils creeping into their classroom.
‘Set up the camera over the Town of the Future,’ said Ally. ‘The Space Fleet commander is expecting a video transmission from this location any time now. Shake the table, and it will appear as if an earthquake has struck the area. They will be unable to land.’
Josh held the camera at ‘street view’ level. The others grabbed a table leg each and began to inflict disaster upon ‘Gailby’.
‘It doesn’t look real,’ complained Hannah when they watched the playback.
‘It looks stupid,’ added Josh. ‘The buildings aren’t even falling over.’
‘No. I remember Miss Frinkley commented upon the high quality of our work that day.’ Ally fell into thought. Surely two brains could think of something.
‘It’s not going to work.’ Alice had tears striping her cheeks.
‘If only there was a wild kitten running through the city: then we would truly see terrible destruction.’ Ally closed his eyes in despair.
‘I’ve got a kitten.’ Four pairs of eyes turned to the shy voice beside them.
‘What!?’
‘I’ve got a kitten,’ said Laurence. ’She’s called Princess Schnuffles.’
Alice was the first to react, several seconds later. ‘Can you fetch her? Where do you live?’
Laurence ran to his house. As usual at this time, no-one was home so Princess Schnuffles was soon on her way. There were enough children still around the school gates to make Laurence’s return seem innocent enough. When Ally saw a real live kitten for the first time his brains froze.
‘That is a kitten? I expected a deadly creature three times the size of the school.’ Ally’s disappointment was profound. His final plan had come to nothing.
‘We can still do it: let Princess Schnuffles loose in Gailby!’ Alice was not about to give up.
Ally grasped her plan in an instant. ‘Of course! Let’s get this snow on the motorway!’
‘Show on the road,’ corrected Josh.
Alice turned on the camera. Ally turned on his transmitter.
Emergency transmission from agent 47/23
Greetings Commander.
I am afraid this may be my final report. Heed my warning! Return immediately to Taar Epsilon 4. Earth has been overrun with a serious outbreak of kittens. They are destroying everything in their path! Nothing can stand in their way! Can you see this? I am transmitting from the surface of the planet. They are (cough, cough) coming! There are so many! Run! Escape! Fly home! Do not attempt to land, the danger is too great. Do not try to rescue me. I shall continue transmitting for as long as possible but I fear my end is nigh. Agh! Another building is destroyed by a single kitten with one swipe of its deadly paw! Go! Go now! The v
ery ground shakes as they approach! bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. They are so near! I can hardly… oops, dropped the camera… can hardly stand. Save yourselves! Abandon plans to invade the Earth! Never return! Oh, nearly forgot: here’s an attachment with the recipe for icecream.
They are coming!
They are… (transmission ends)
From Space Fleet commander to Taar Epsilon 4
It is with deep sadness that we have to report the loss of Agent 47/23. He died a hero, saving the entire fleet from destruction at the paws of the deadly creatures of Earth. Sadly, we have been unable to recover his body. He will always be remembered. My recommendation is that he be awarded our highest honour: Star Warrior First Class. Upon our return, we will hold an icecream feast to his memory.
Princess Schnuffles goes for a walk
EPILOGUE
CASTLE STREET PRIMARY, TWO DAYS LATER
‘Go on then, show us,’ urged Laurence.
‘I am not at all sure that is a wise course of action,’ warned Ally.
‘Oh, go on,’ pleaded Alice.
‘The shock of seeing my true form might severely damage your eyes, ears and brains.’
‘Come on, how ugly are you?’ laughed Josh.
Miss Frinkley had allowed the class to eat their mid-day food intake out under the trees by the sports field; one of the perks of hot days. She had been furious at the damage caused by Princess Schnuffles (How did she get in here, anyway, Laurence?) but very pleased to have found her micro-camera. Oddly, it had no videos left in its memory (I’m sorry, Commander Frinkley. I believe it may have happened when I dropped it) but it was still working.
‘We must find a location less overlooked,’ Ally insisted. The group made their way to the furthest corner of the field, slipped quietly around the corner of the school building and gathered behind the caretaker’s store. Ally reached behind his head and his antennae popped up. The rest of his Earthling disguise was quickly shed.
‘Ugh!’ said Hannah.
‘I think I’m going to be sick,’ admitted Josh.
‘What’s that?’ said Alice, pointing.
‘I dunno, but it’s blue,’ said Laurence.
‘Please put your suit back on, please,’ said all four together.
The rest of Summer Term passed quickly. Children shared their holiday plans and wall displays came down. Armfuls of artwork were taken home and the final assembly brought on the usual tears from pupils and staff alike. Ally volunteered to look after Ralph.
Josh still had one question left for Ally. ‘Where do you actually live? Is it like a secret base, or something?’
‘I would like it very much if you came to visit me at a given point in time during this interruption to our studies. We could Foot the Ball or take Ralph for a walk.’ He paused for a moment while one brain sent an urgent message to the other. ‘Slide.’
‘Yes, but where will you be?’
‘I will give you the co-ordinates of my out-of-school location. It takes about three hours to travel there and a few rocks are missing but I will be able to provide transport for you and our other friends.’
Josh grinned at the thought.
Princess Schnuffles was given rather too many reward treats and was sick on Laurence’s father’s socks. While he was wearing them.
Elijah grew up to have his own Saturday morning TV show:
‘Mister Monkey Madness!’
Gail Frinkley actually did win the World’s Best Teacher award two years later. She received £5,000 and a new coffee mug.
The Space Fleet commander retired from the service upon his return to Taar Epsilon 4. He now owns the planet’s most popular icecream shop.
Ally, Josh, Alice, Hannah and Laurence spent most of that summer on the Moon. Together they formed The InterGalactic Empire Resistance (T.I.G.E.R.) saving millions of citizens on distant planets from the mad, evil Space Empire. Alice wanted a name that spelled M.E.E.R.K.A.T. but couldn’t think of one.