Flamethrower

by Maggie Estep

  Lucio took off his T-shirt, put it on the sand, and motioned for Ruby to sit. She glanced at his hairless chest.

  “What’s going on with you?” He asked it the way an old friend would. Matter-of-fact, implying it was natural for him to notice she wasn’t quite right. He touched her face. “Come on, tell me.”

  “Too much to explain.”

  He nodded and looked away. A couple walked by hand in hand. Lucio started fumbling through his pockets. Ruby suddenly wondered if he was looking for a condom. Then decided this was an insane thing to wonder. She wished it weren’t. She wished she could lose herself in this boy. The young skin. He produced a pack of Marlboros and offered her one. She accepted. They smoked.

  The sea lapped at the sand.

  Ruby found herself resting her head on Lucio’s shoulder. She didn’t remember articulating the muscles to do this. It was just that her head weighed too much and it found a place on Lucio’s shoulder. She closed her eyes and, after a few seconds, felt his fingers on her face, tracing the shape of her jaw. Then his lips were on hers, and she felt herself opening up. She wanted him to fill her up.

  She was lying on top of the fire-eater, biting into the beautiful soft skin of his neck. She felt hot and sick and broken. The sea was making its sounds.

  Lucio dug his fingers into her forearms, up to her shoulders, under her T-shirt.

  “Hey,” he said suddenly. He gently pushed Ruby off him and sat up. “Are you gonna use me?” he asked. His mouth was partially open, and she could see the tip of his tongue.

  “Use you?” Ruby was incredulous.

  “You got a man. I can feel him here between us.”

  “That man needed some space,” Ruby said disdainfully.

  “And the way you’re mad about it has a hold on you.”

  Ruby invariably had the misfortune of picking virtuously minded men to try having fix-it flings with. Not that she’d done anything like this in a long time. When things had been going well with Ed, she hadn’t had a wandering eye. But things weren’t going well with Ed now.

  “I like you,” said Lucio, “but I don’t want you when you got your mind on some other man.”

  “What about sex for the sake of sex?” Ruby asked.

  “Aw, come on, girl,” he said, touching her lips with his index finger, “you know it’s gonna be a mess.”

  “Define mess.”

  “Feelings,” he said.

  She wasn’t sure if he meant he’d have feelings, she would, or both, but it was presumptuous of him. And she sort of liked that.

  “Why’d you bring me here then?” Ruby asked.

  “Seemed like the natural thing to do. Only now that I got my hands on you, I can tell there’s something unresolved between you and that tall guy.”

  Ruby rolled her eyes.

  “Don’t roll your eyes. You know I’m right.”

  Ruby shrugged.

  “I’ve got another set soon anyway.” Lucio got to his feet then reached down to pull Ruby to hers.

  She regretfully watched him pick up his T-shirt, brush it off, and put it back on.

  “Cheer up, now we’re friends,” Lucio said. “And you need a friend right now. I heard Bob fired you.”

  Ruby let herself smile. “True,” she said.

  “Hello, friend.” Lucio kissed her on the cheek.

  “Hello,” she said.

  “Come on then.” Lucio took her elbow and guided her back toward the boardwalk.

  Outside the sideshow, Lucio pecked Ruby on the cheek. She watched him walk away. His athletic ass was a thing of beauty.

  Ruby was slightly less miserable as she let herself into the building and climbed the stairs. She didn’t really care that Ramirez and Elsie’s door was closed or that the cats didn’t bother to greet her. She put on one of her beloved Einstürzende Neubauten CDs and went into the kitchen. The cats surfaced and she fed them. She stared inside the fridge, willing something palatable to appear. Nothing did. She put a banana, yogurt, and orange juice in the blender and had herself a drinkable dinner. She had just rinsed out her dinner glass when the phone rang.

  “Yeah?” Ruby realized she’d taken to answering her phone like an angry person. Probably because, right now, she was an angry person. A depressed loner. A miserable wretch.

  “Ruby, it’s Tobias.”

  Ruby felt nauseous.

  “You there?” Tobias asked.

  “Yes,” Ruby said after a long while. “Where are you?”

  “Still at large,” he said breezily.

  “What can I do for you?” Ruby asked, more for something to say than out of any actual will to do anything for the guy.

  “Could you help me find Flamethrower?”

  “Flamethrower? What?” Ruby thought of the flashy chestnut colt who’d been a very nice racehorse a few years earlier. What the horse had to do with the price of beans, Ruby didn’t know.

  “My wife,” Tobias said. “It’s a nickname. Sorry.”

  “Flamethrower is her nickname?”

  “Yes. It’s a long story.”

  “Ah,” said Ruby. “She still hasn’t turned up?” She felt a small ping of curiosity.

  “No.”

  “Does she know where to find you?”

  “She has a phone number to reach me, yes.”

  “You think she’s in trouble?”

  “Trouble?”

  “I mean, is that why you’re looking for her?”

  There was a long pause. “It’s possible, yes,” Tobias said. “She had a relapse just two years ago.”

  “Relapse?”

  “You know the cliché about all psychiatrists being nuts?”

  “Sure.”

  “It’s a cliché for a reason.”

  “What are you telling me?”

  “Jody has spent time in institutions. Not just as a doctor. She’ll be fine for years at a time but then, boom, she relapses.”

  Ruby was both titillated and appalled. “Why? What’s wrong with her?”

  “I can’t really go into all that right now,” Tobias said. “What’s more, she has all our money.”

  “Ah,” Ruby said. “Sounds like you’re fucked.”

  “Well put,” Tobias said. “But the fact is, I have nothing to live on. I’m hoping to talk sense into my wife’s head. If she doesn’t want to come back from wherever it is she’s gone, then maybe at least she’ll give me some money.”

  “I sincerely doubt that, Tobias,” Ruby said coolly.

  “Please don’t be mean.”

  “I’m not. Just stating the facts.”

  “Yes, I suppose,” he sounded whimpery.

  “How’s your leg?” Ruby asked, softening slightly.

  “Still gone.”

  Ruby laughed. “I hope you got medical attention.”

  “A physician friend is helping me. Stretching the skin of my stump. Thank you for asking.”

  Ruby was curious about this but didn’t pursue it.

  “Ruby?”

  “Yes?”

  “Can you please help me find my wife?”

  Ruby took a breath. “Why me? Hire a professional.”

  “You’ll have a better result. Namely that my wife might actually talk to you if you find her. I’ll pay you of course.”

  “With what?”

  “I have a little stash.”

  “Keep your little stash. You’re going to need it. Anyway, I’m not qualified to find your missing wife,” she added.

  “Not what I hear.”

  “Not what you hear about what?”

  “Jody told me you helped nail someone for a horse-killing insurance scam. Genuine private detective work.”

  “Oh yeah. That was genuine all right. I genuinely almost got killed, and I genuinely have no interest in repeating the experience.”

  “My wife won’t kill you.”

  “No, she won’t. No one will because I’m not doing it.”

  “Please?” Tobias asked, sounding weak, innocent, and nearl
y sincere.

  Ruby hesitated. She realized she wanted to know where her psychiatrist had gone and why. “Have I piqued your interest?” Tobias asked. “I can wire a thousand dollars into your bank account tomorrow.”

  “Oh?”

  “Yes,” Tobias said.

  Ruby wasn’t in a position to turn down a thousand dollars.

  “Okay, I’ll do it,” she said.

  “Really?” He sounded giddy.

  “Yes.”

  “Thank you.”

  “I don’t guarantee any results.”

  “I understand.”

  “And you still have to pay me. No matter what.”

  “Give me your bank’s phone number and your account number.”

  Ruby thought this over for a minute. Wondered if Tobias was trying to steal her identity. Decided there wasn’t much to steal.

  “Sure,” she said. She gave him the information.

  “So?” she said after Tobias had written it down.

  “So what?”

  “Where do I start? Where do you think she is?”

  “Oh,” Tobias seemed surprised, as if he’d expected to have to beg Ruby to get started. “You should go to our brownstone first. Make sure she’s not there.”

  “How do you want to get keys to me?”

  “I don’t have them. She’s had the locks changed and taken out a restraining order in case I went off the deep end.”

  “Ah. So. Exactly how am I supposed to get in?”

  “I imagine you’ll have to call The Crone.”

  “The who?”

  “One of Jody’s lovers from years ago. They keep in touch. She’s an awful woman. But Jody dotes on her and confides in her. The Crone has keys, I’m sure.”

  “Ah,” Ruby said. Her head was spinning at this information.

  “I realize this is more information than you might want about your psychiatrist’s past.”

  “Probably, but I’ll live.”

  Tobias laughed.

  “So you want me to call this crone person and ask for keys to the brownstone?”

  “Actually, yes, that would be lovely.”

  Lovely wouldn’t have been Ruby’s adjective of choice. She wrote down The Crone’s phone number and learned that her given name was Millicent.

  “I’ll have the money in your account by tomorrow morning,” Tobias said.

  “And how am I supposed to get in touch with you?”

  “I’ll call you,” Tobias said. “Thank you,” he added before hanging up.

  Ruby hung the phone up. Stinky meandered over, opened his mouth, and let out a long, slow meow.

  “I know the feeling,” Ruby said, running her hand along Stinky’s spine. He bumped his head against her legs then wandered off.

  Ruby went into the bathroom and threw water on her face. The bruising was nearly gone, but she looked gaunt. She’d probably lost five pounds in the ten days since she’d found Tobias’s leg in the fish tank. Normally, she’d be thrilled to dip below her standard 118 pounds. Now, she didn’t care. She ran a brush through her hair, trying to talk herself into worrying about her appearance. It didn’t work. She walked back out of the bathroom and stared at the phone. She thought about calling The Crone. She pictured a sagging woman with a hook nose. Then revised the image. Surely Ruby’s fiery psychiatrist wouldn’t have had a sagging, hook-nosed lover. She picked up the phone and punched in the numbers. It rang three times; then a brutish-sounding woman barked “Hello.”

  “May I speak with Millicent, please?” Ruby used her sweetest voice.

  “Who wants her?” the voice asked.

  “My name is Ruby Murphy. She doesn’t know me, but I’m a friend of Jody Ray’s.”

  “Friend? I’ve never heard of ya.”

  “Is this Millicent?”

  “Yeah, Millie. That’s me.”

  “I got your number from Tobias,” Ruby said.

  “What’s that fuck doing handing out my number?”

  “Jody seems to be missing. Tobias thought you might know where she is.”

  Millicent grunted. Ruby had to admit, she did sound like a crone.

  “Tobias seemed to think you might know where she is,” Ruby repeated.

  “What, and I’m gonna tell him?” Millicent was incredulous.

  “We’re worried about her,” Ruby said innocuously.

  “Who’s we? What are you, his piece on the side?”

  “I beg your pardon?”

  “Sorry. The guy’s a creep. I guess that doesn’t mean you are. But who the fuck are you?”

  Tobias hadn’t mentioned that in addition to being a crone, Millicent was foulmouthed. Of course, Ruby respected a woman who cursed.

  “A patient of Jody’s,” Ruby said in her most reserved voice.

  “Oh? And how is it you know the bum?”

  “What?”

  “Tobias.”

  “Long story. Listen, could I come see you, talk to you in person? Maybe tomorrow?” Ruby realized she wasn’t going to get very far with this woman over the phone.

  “I won’t keep you long,” Ruby added.

  “Yeah, all right.” The Crone gave Ruby an address up in Harlem. Ruby wondered what the very white-sounding Crone was doing living in Harlem. Like all of Manhattan, Harlem had gotten gentrified, but it still wasn’t where Ruby would have expected her psychiatrist’s crone ex-lover to live.

  The Crone told Ruby to come at ten. Ruby agreed she’d be there and hung up before Millie had time to change her mind.

  Ruby had a hunch the whole Crone thing would take up a lot of time. She called Glenda at home to tell her she couldn’t work the next afternoon.

  “Glenda, it’s Ruby.”

  “You quitting already?”

  She hadn’t planned on it, but it suddenly seemed like the best idea in the world. Ruby wasn’t even sure she could count on Tobias to come through with that thousand dollars he’d promised, but she decided to risk it.

  “Yeah,” Ruby said.

  “You coming in tomorrow at least?”

  “I can’t, I’m sorry.”

  “What happened to that notice you promised you’d give me? Huh?”

  “I could try to come in late afternoon,” Ruby said, even though she really didn’t want to.

  “Ah, it’s all right. Gonna rain tomorrow anyway. Probably would have sent you home.”

  “Oh,” Ruby said.

  “Okay, you’re off the hook.”

  “Thanks, Glenda,” Ruby said.

  “Don’t mention it.” Glenda hung up in Ruby’s ear.

  Ruby went to find Stinky, scooped him into her arms, then deposited him on the bed and crawled under the covers.

  RUBY GOT UP AT 5 A.M. so she’d have time to do her chores at The Hole before going to see The Crone. She’d had only four hours’ sleep and was stiff and tired. She drank two espressos, read a few pages of Rats, fed the cats, and left the house. She’d called Emilio the previous night, warning him she’d need her car by five-thirty in the morning. He’d grumbled then said he’d send his nephew, Phil, to get the car for her.

  Ruby reached the lot, but it was locked and Phil wasn’t there. Ruby foraged through her bag, found her cigarettes, and lit up. Her lungs ached as she inhaled, and the ache felt right somehow. As though doing this to her body would lighten the load on her mind.

  To the east, daylight started fringing the sky. Ruby imagined the rides waking up, their long metal wings groaning to life, their elegant skeletons begging for grease before carrying that day’s load of fun-starved fiends.

  Across the street, the Three Brothers Deli was open, its sickly yellow light the lone beacon on the block. As Ruby smoked, an old man wearing a winter coat and nasty-looking bedroom slippers shuffled inside the deli and started waving his arms around. Ruby couldn’t tell what he was shouting, but it must have been threatening. Ruby had just stubbed out her cigarette when a cop car pulled up and two officers, both female, got out. Ruby was considering taking a few steps closer to wa
tch the drama unfold when Phil finally appeared. He was a small guy with jet-black hair and a ridiculously small nose. He was probably young but was one of those people who’d looked old by age twelve.

  “Marlon making a stink again?” Phil asked Ruby.

  “Huh?”

  “Old bum guy in the deli? Wearing a big coat?”

  “Oh. Yeah. He’s a regular?”

  “Oh yeah,” Phil said. “I’ll get your car,” he added, apparently losing interest in the deli drama.

  While Ruby waited, she watched the cops escorting Marlon out of the deli. He was still shouting, and one of his slippers was gone.

  RUBY MADE IT TO The Hole in less than fifteen minutes, and by seven-thirty she’d mucked the stalls, fed Locksley, and groomed her horse. She was putting the wheelbarrow away in the stable yard when Coleman pulled up in his cream-colored Eldorado. The passenger-side door opened, and Honey the pit bull jumped out and trotted toward the barn with remarkable grace considering the fullness of her figure. Pokey, a scary-looking white pit with a head the size of a bowling ball, jumped out after Honey. Both dogs eyed Ruby, decided to remember that Ruby was allowed to be there, then ambled over to the empty stall Coleman had transformed into a deluxe doghouse.

  “What are you doing here so early?” Coleman asked.

  He was walking slowly, and there was a little hitch in his step.

  “I’ve got a bunch of stuff going on today,” Ruby said. “Just wanted to get my chores done in case the day got away from me. You okay?” Ruby motioned toward Coleman’s leg.

  “My new woman’s wearing me down,” he said slyly.

  “Oh,” said Ruby. She briefly envisioned a strapping vixen keeping Coleman prisoner in her bedroom.

  “You get on that horse today?” Coleman had actually caught Ruby riding Jack two days earlier. He’d been as pleased as he’d been shocked.

  Ruby shook her head. “Not today, no time.”

  “Why? What you doing now?” Coleman knew a little about what Ruby’d been up to recently, but she didn’t feel like explaining that she was on a wild goose chase for her psychiatrist.

  “I’ve got to do a favor for a friend. That’s all.”

  “Uh,” Coleman grunted. “Well, I got some horses to ride,” he said. He nodded at Ruby and walked into the barn.

  RUSH HOUR WAS HIDEOUS. Ruby remembered how only weeks earlier she’d vowed never to drive in intense traffic. So much for vowing.