DivineWeekend

by Francesca St. Claire

  “Ben, put me down! Ben!”

  Unceremoniously thrown onto the couch, she bounced up like a jack-in-the-box but was stopped from getting away, his strong body pinning her to the sofa. She shoved him away. “Get off me! Get off me, you Neanderthal, you liar, you chea—”

  Ben cut the flow of insults by covering her mouth with his, then he rubbed and nipped her lower lip with an onslaught of kisses, making her mouth all swollen and wet. When she finally opened her lips and his tongue stroked hers, she let out a helpless little cry and wrapped her arms around his neck, kissing him back with equal desperation.

  Braced on one elbow, and not quite so gently, Ben tugged at her T-shirt, exposing her breasts. She shimmied in a feeble attempt to get away from him but he leaned more into her, blocking her movements.

  “Keep still,” he said as his gaze roamed from her breasts to her face, then back to her breasts. “God, I’ve missed you!” He rasped his face dark, feral and full of desire.

  His words nearly edged out the anger in her as passion raged through her body. When he cupped one breast and ran his thumb back and forth across her nipple, her eyes closed, anger no longer on her mind. He circled the tip with his tongue, then the edge of his teeth nipped her tit and sensation coiled low in her belly. Her breasts grew heavy and tight from his handling. She arched against his straining erection, her nails clawing his shoulders. He chuckled and shifted down, evidently pleased with himself, and she mildly considered kicking him in the balls. But then she would be cutting her nose to spite her face. She needed him intact. She rose on her elbows and watched him swiftly remove her sweatpants and panties, then wink at her as he threw her clothes on the floor. The combination of dark looks, wicked gaze and urgent moves were so overwhelming she dropped back against the cushions in surrender. Oh hell, she couldn’t think straight with her pulse thumping a crazy beat and all her tender spots on high alert. She’d deal with their issue later. Much later, she’d guessed by the hunger she saw in his eyes.

  He cupped her breasts with his large warm hands and ripples of pleasure bolted from each plumped peak down to her hot and very wet pussy. A low moan reverberated in her throat. “Mmm, yes.” Ben laughed huskily, sliding down her torso, and she gave an internal groan when he strung a trail of kisses on her rib cage, belly and hip, then covered her mound and exhaled.

  The plan was to send him packing and then forget everything—erase all memories of him from her mind. Well, her plan was failing. Entirely!

  His tongue found her clit and sparks flickered along her nerves to her toes and fingertips. “Yeees…Ben. No!” This wasn’t right, Ben was married. He belonged to another woman, hurting at that very moment because of her. The intrusive thought abated her desire. “I can’t do this.” She tugged at his hair, intending to stop him but all she succeeded in doing was have him lap her clit faster and harder. “Oh, oh, this isn’t right,” she cried out. “Ben…”

  Ben lifted his head, and his eyes heavy-lidded with lust, stared at her. “Do you want me to stop?”

  Bastard! A shudder of desire rolled through her. No, she definitely didn’t want him to stop, and he knew it! But she needed to know there was a plausible explanation. Maybe it had all been a prank. It was possible! When she’d almost convinced herself of his innocence her conscience showed up.

  Am I out of my mind? Ben is married!

  Surely the woman hadn’t lied. Why would she when she had no idea that someone other than her husband would be listening to her message?

  “Ben, I can’t do this. Please stop!”

  He heaved a deep sigh and straightened. “Okay, let’s talk then.”

  She felt all jittery but forced herself to stay calm as Ben reached for her discarded clothes and handed them to her as he sat beside her. She slipped on her underwear and sweats, rashly removed only a few minutes before, and met his stormy eyes as she leaned back on the couch facing him, wondering what he’d say.

  What could he possibly have to say that would excuse his behavior? By the way, Julia, did I forget to mention I have a wife in L.A.? Would he perhaps go for the old cliché? “My marriage is over but divorce is complicated because of the children.” Children? Did he have kids? She had no idea. What else could he possibly be hiding from her?

  “How could you?”

  “Shh.” He ensured her compliance by laying a finger over her lips.

  Her gaze sharpened. How was he planning his defense? Not by avoiding an explanation, she hoped. He wouldn’t get away with it. “Aren’t you going to answer me?”

  “I will, I am, if you give me a chance,” he said sternly. “I admit I was married to Lindsay, but I did not cheat on her.”

  Her heart dropped to her feet. So it was true.

  He was married.

  He’d lied to her.

  She wanted to die.

  “Julia, listen to me. Lindsay and I have been separated for eight years.” He cupped her shoulders when she tried to get up, forcing her to listen, to look at him. “It’s been a marriage on paper only all these years, believe me.” His dark gaze was huge and steadfast on hers, and all she could think of was how would she go on living without him? “I even asked her for a divorce two years ago,” he continued, and hope lifted her spirit. “But she said no.” She sagged back into doom. “I was getting ready for my sailing trip around South America, so I didn’t bother to pursue the issue because I didn’t want to deal with all the fuss then. I wish I had, but there’s no point dwelling on it at the present. Past is past and all I’m interested in is now.” He took her hand in his and his touch sent her heart into a crazy beat. She shouldn’t allow him to touch her. How could she think straight when a simple touch immediately aroused all her hot spots while melting her heart? She retrieved her hand.

  Concentrate!

  “Being married to Lindsay wasn’t a problem to me. I had no intension to marry again. Ever. But knowing you, loving you,” his gaze softened upon hers and butterfly wings fluttered in her chest, “has made me want to be free again. Free to tell you how much I love you, and to marry you one day, if you’ll have me. Julia, I—”

  Wait! His words bounced around her brain. Oh my God, Ben loved her. He was finally saying all she ever wanted to hear since that first night together. She’d dreamed of this moment but had despaired of it ever happening. And when he was finally saying it she couldn’t accept it because he wasn’t free to give her his love.

  “Ben, you’re married, your wife loves you…” she said sadly, her heart breaking.

  “No, I’m not! Well, not for long, anyway. Lindsay has finally signed the papers and we’ll be divorced in six months.” He smiled but she didn’t join him. His face became stern. “Before you start feeling sorry for her, let me assure you she does not love me any more than I love her. Status and financial security made her refuse my earlier request for a divorce. It was never love. Please trust me, Julia,” he pleaded, his eyes fastened on hers while her heart began a crazy tattoo in her chest. She wanted so much to believe him it ached.

  “I’m not a cheater, Julia, even if legally I was still married to Lindsay, we’ve been living independent lives for so long I didn’t feel married anymore.”

  Why wasn’t she jumping up and down with the news of his new single status? He was free, he loved her, and he’d come straight back to tell her that. But he had lied to her, well, not exactly lied but by withholding information he’d made her unknowingly his accomplice in deceit.

  “I can’t trust you anymore,” she said standing up. “We’re finished.”

  He glared at her. “You aren’t serious!”

  Her eyes widened, her shoulders rose. “Oh yes I am!”

  He sighed loudly. “Julia, stop being unreasonable, of course you can trust me. I’m in love with you. I want to marry you!”

  “How? How can I trust you, Ben? Tell me how can I trust a person who says it’s okay to cheat on his wife because he doesn’t love her?”

  “You’re twisting my words, I didn’t mean
it that way,” he said sharply.

  “What did you mean then?”

  “I meant I didn’t feel married because there was nothing holding us together but a piece of paper.” Their gazes met and held. “You are the only woman I ever loved,” he said, his voice low, husky, curling through her abdomen, causing heat to gather at her core. “And I do feel married to you, even without a piece of paper saying we are.”

  Oh, why was he saying these lovely words now, confusing the issue by causing complete havoc in her heart? Was he expecting to sidetrack her with his declaration of love and ward off any argument about how he had omitted the truth for eight whole weeks? She had to be strong and stick to her beliefs that married people should not cheat.

  Jesus, don’t I sound righteous? “I don’t care.” Why am I saying things I don’t mean?

  Ben pushed his fingers through his hair and let out a deep sigh, a sad look on his face. “Julia, please, what can I say or do to convince you I didn’t purposely set out to deceive you?”

  Julia shrugged.

  “Dammit, Julia, I can’t stand it!”

  She blinked at him. “Stand what?”

  “This!” He waved an impatient hand between them as he tried to explain. “This cool attitude of yours. It’s like you don’t care.” He reached out and grabbed her arms. “How can you contemplate giving up on us, Julia?” His Adam’s apple bobbed up and down and his voice cracked. “When I can’t imagine my life without you?”

  She searched his expression, wondering if the love she saw in his eyes was a figment of her imagination. His voice softened, as did his incredible dark eyes. “I never meant to hurt you. I’m so sorry for that, and for not being forthcoming with the truth about my marriage. Can you forgive me?”

  Could she forgive him? Her whole being shouted yes but she’d been so angry at him it was hard to change gears just like that. But her love for him spoke louder and she nodded, accepting him. Forgiving him.

  He pulled her into his arms and kissed her gently on the lips.

  “Do you trust me, then?”

  Do I trust him? Could she trust him ever again? How could she not trust him when she loved him so much? She should say yes. She tried to say yes as she met his gaze, but the words caught in her throat. She shook her head and heard him swear. She understood his frustration but she couldn’t be forced into admitting what she did not feel, and right now she didn’t feel like she could trust him ever again.

  “Ben, I—”

  His hand shot up. “Say no more, I’ve got it. You don’t trust me and you’d rather I left you alone,” he said, looking completely defeated. “I’m not giving up on us, Julia. I can’t. I’m so in love with you that’s not an option for me. I realize what I did was wrong. I can imagine how much I hurt you, how I shattered your trust in me, and I’m more sorry than you can ever know. But I also know I’ll do whatever it takes to regain your love and confidence in me.”

  He gently stroked her cheek with the back of his hand and her knees turned to jelly. She wanted to shout out “Please don’t stop. Don’t stop. Ever!”, but she just looked at him in silence, her mind a whirlpool of thoughts and emotions.

  “I’ll be back when we both have calmed down some,” he said gently.

  When he was gone she threw herself on the sofa and curled up in a ball, sobbing. Oh God, she hurt so bad. Why did she hurt more now that she knew he loved her?

  * * * * *

  He wanted to carry on arguing. He wanted to hold her tight and show her how much he loved her. He wished to God he had told her about Lindsay before, but it was too late now for regrets. He knew that with certainty, and he knew she wasn’t in the mood to listen to anything more he had to say today. He needed to give her some space and let his words sink in. He was by no means giving her up but he understood the benefit of a strategic retreat.

  With a commission to write an episode for a new sitcom, he could stay busy and focus on something else other than how much he loved Julia or how he missed her. I only hope that’s possible…

  Chapter Four

  He’d said he’d be back, but it had been a week and no word or sight of Ben.

  Better this way. A clean breakup is best.

  Who was she kidding? She hurt so badly she hardly ate or slept. She felt so disconnected with the world most mornings she didn’t want to get out of bed. But she did get up and go about her daily routine. She put on a good front so nobody would notice she was miserable or that she missed Ben so terribly. She often wondered how she’d find the strength to go on through life without him. But she must—he obviously already had…

  With her parents retired and living in New Mexico, her best friends Stephanie in San Francisco, Jen in NYC and Laura in Boston, she felt all alone. Perhaps she should join Laura and her family for the school break. Laura had been so insistent that she should go but she wasn’t really in the mood to socialize. She’d visit her some other time. Soon.

  “Julia, talk to me, honey. What’s making you so unhappy?”

  Her students had left ten minutes before and she was still daydreaming in her classroom. Tears flooded her eyes, her lips quivered. “Ben and I broke up.”

  “Oh Julia, why?” Sarah burst out and immediately amended it with, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be so blunt, but the news took me by surprise. It’s just that you seemed so happy together…so in love.”

  Sarah thought they were in love? Well, no surprise there, she did wear her love on her sleeve for everybody to see. As for Ben, she didn’t think it had been that obvious, but perhaps other people saw in him what she’d hoped for from the moment they’d met. It didn’t matter anyway, it was too late now. It was over. A fat tear ran down her face and dropped on her jacket.

  “C’mon, let’s go to my place, open a bottle of wine and talk.”

  Julia thought to decline her invitation but she did need to talk, and Sarah was such a good friend.

  * * * * *

  Coat and shoes off, an open bottle sitting on the nearby table, and a full glass in her hand, Julia sat comfortably on Sarah’s couch, facing a nice warm fire.

  “What happened?” Sarah asked gently.

  Julia turned to her friend. “He was married.”

  Sarah gasped. “Oh, honey, I’m so sorry!” She slipped her hand over Julia’s and squeezed. They sat in silence for a moment before she heard Sarah’s low cursing. “If I see the bastard again I’ll give him a good kick in the balls.” Julia’s wane smile gave Sarah the encouragement to ask, “How did you find out?”

  “I heard his wife’s message on his answering machine.”

  “What did she say?” Sarah probed curiously.

  “That she didn’t want to get divorced and that she still loved him.”

  “Wow!” Sarah drank deeply. “What did he say when you confronted him?” she asked, then her eyebrows lifted. “I assume you talked?”

  “Oh, yeah, we talked. First he told me his wife had just granted him the divorce, then he said he’d like to marry me one day.”

  Sarah’s eyes widened to the size of small saucers and her mouth dropped open. “Oh, Julia, he loves you!”

  “That’s what he said.”

  “So why did you break up?” Sarah asked, sounding puzzled.

  “Sarah, he was married and he never said a word! How can I marry a man I no longer trust?”

  Sufficiently chastised, Sarah bit her lip.

  “You know how much Ben means to me, how much I love him, but I can’t overcome the fact he knowingly withheld such a vital piece of information. And that’s where I get stuck. That, and the fact he said he’d never give up on us and yet he hasn’t contacted me in a week.”

  “Do you want him to?”

  “I—”

  “The truth, Julia,” Sarah said, lifting a finger.

  “Yes, no, I don’t know!”

  Sarah topped up their glasses before she spoke again. “Why don’t you walk me through your hesitation, hon?” Sarah suggested softly.

&n
bsp; Julia considered her answer for a moment. “I love him. So yes, I want to see him. But I’m still mad at him. So no, I don’t want to see him.”

  “And the maybe?”

  Julia sighed. “Maybe I should give him another chance…if I ever see him again.”

  Sarah smiled reassuringly. “You will, trust me.”

  * * * * *

  After the first decent night’s sleep in a week, Julia woke feeling better—her outlook on life was a little brighter and the future of their relationship seemed more promising.

  Following her talk with Sarah, she’d begun questioning herself. Had she been too rushed in her decision to end their relationship? Was she being a bit too righteous in her belief that all couples rush from separation to divorce, for a clear-cut ending that makes way for a clear-cut beginning? She had heard that for most couples the motivation to remain married is financial. She remembered Ben mentioning Lindsey’s motivation was purely money and status—by staying married for at least eight years she would be able to get a better settlement, half of his medical benefits, etc. But what had Ben’s motivation, or lack of it, been?

  Inertia.

  The desire to avoid an unpleasant task.

  An excuse not to remarry.

  Textbook excuses that fit Ben’s MO.

  She could understand that after the separation the divorce hadn’t seemed so urgent to him, so why bother? Later, when he decided it was time to end their marriage she’d refused. To avoid an unpleasant task, and because he didn’t plan on getting married again—his words—he had not sought to divorce her again.

  Until now.

  Once he met Julia.

  After he’d fallen in love with her and wished to be married to her.