by Inara Scott
Kelsey’s eyes had widened to swallow up most of her face. She opened and closed her mouth twice, but no sound emerged.
Mick stared at Ross’s hand, then back up to his eyes. He made no move to reciprocate the gesture. Ross dropped his hand, not surprised. “I just wanted to let you know that your daughter did a wonderful job babysitting my kids. She’s a very special person. I hope you know that.”
“Of course I know that,” Mick snapped. “She’s my daughter.”
At that moment, Ross enjoyed every one of his seventy-two inches, and the knowledge that his biceps were easily twice the size of the smaller man in front of him. With deliberate arrogance, he crossed his arms over his chest and looked down at Kelsey’s father. “I wonder if you do,” he said, leaving just a hint of a threat in his voice. “I thought it might be worth reminding you.”
Kelsey’s palm flew to cover her open mouth. She made a tiny squeak as her father’s mouth tightened. For a moment, it looked as though he might say something, but instead he stomped away, not looking back at either of them.
“What the hell was that?” she said through her teeth, when Mick was out of earshot.
Ross wasn’t quite sure he knew, which made answering difficult. “I don’t like the way he treats you,” he said finally.
“I don’t really give a rat’s ass what you think about it,” she snapped back. “He’s my father, and our relationship is my business.”
“But our relationship is my business,” Ross said, gesturing between them, suddenly uncaring that Brit and Tori were somewhere nearby, probably watching every moment of their interaction. “And I’m sorry, but you are my business. I’m not going to stand back and watch him treat you like crap. I won’t do it.”
She made another strangled sound deep in her throat. “Great. Because what I need in my life is one more overbearing man. There is no us. There’s no relationship. I’m leaving at the end of week and that’s the end of it. You know it, and I know it. So let go of whatever guilt you picked up about me. I’m just a girl you slept with. That’s all.”
“That’s not true,” he said, grabbing her arm and holding it so she couldn’t run away. His words felt like as if were being ripped from somewhere deep inside his gut. “It’s more than that.”
“I see. Are you ready to introduce me to the kids as your girlfriend, then? What about your brother, do you want to tell him we’re dating? What happens when I leave? Will you tell the kids to miss me while I’m gone? Have you changed your mind about what you want for them? About what they deserve? Because I haven’t. I know what it’s like to lose someone, Ross, and I refuse to do that to your kids. It’s not worth it.”
He hadn’t expected to have this conversation and felt as though his mind was working too slowly in response, but words came out anyway. Unplanned words. Words he wasn’t sure he could believe he was saying. “Then don’t go. Stay here with me. Get a job in Colorado. Climb and run and do all the things you love. Just don’t do them on a rock that has a forty percent mortality rate.”
“It’s thirty-three,” Kelsey said, her voice wobbling a little. “And it’s too late.”
“Too late for us?” Ross asked. He took her hand, feeling it tremble in his grasp.
Kelsey jerked away. “Stop it. Please stop. My dad and I have one more chance. After that the sponsorships and the money will dry up. So we’ll give it another go, and then I’ll be free.”
“You say that like it isn’t a choice.”
“You don’t understand,” she hissed, looking over her shoulder at Mick, who was stretching by one of the climbing walls. “I can’t just desert my dad like that.”
“Kelsey, listen to yourself.” Ross grabbed her shoulders. “This isn’t just about your father. This is about you. Ever since your mom died, you’ve appointed yourself caretaker for him and it’s wrong. It’s wrong for you to do it and it’s wrong for him to let you. Because the fact is that when you say it’s not worth it, you’re really saying that you’re not worth it, and that’s just not true.”
She jerked her arm away. He didn’t know what else to say, and the one thing his gut was telling him to do—haul her into his arms and tell her he wasn’t going to let her go—was as untenable as it was irrational.
“We knew what our future held right from the start, Ross.”
“Maybe we were wrong. Maybe we could be more.”
Her eyes welled up, and she blinked rapidly. “You heard my dad that day. He might have been acting like a jerk, but he was right. We can’t have relationships. We just can’t. It clouds our decisions, makes us too cautious. You know when you get hurt? It’s when you hold back. I can’t hold back. Not now.”
He wanted to argue with her, but there was no room for doubt in her voice. No wavering or indecision. And what could he say? That he wanted her to hold back? That he wanted to stand in her way, no matter the cost?
He didn’t reply.
“Good-bye, Ross.” She met his gaze for a brief, painful moment before she turned around to leave.
And then he let her walk away. And wondered if he would ever see her again.
…
He was working on his computer later that night when the little bubble popped up on his screen to indicate that Jenna was online. He considered logging out—after fending off questions from his brother and sister-in-law for the better part of the evening, the last thing he wanted to do was talk to anyone—but she had been trying to get a hold of the kids for a few nights, and he couldn’t in good conscience ignore her.
JennaGirl: How are you? How are the kids?
RossB: We’re fine. How about you?
JennaGirl: Good. Job is finishing up early. Should be home in a week.
RossB: That’s great! I’ll let you tell the kids. They’ll be thrilled.
A pause, then:
JennaGirl: Who’s this Kelsey person I keep hearing about? :)
Ross considered throwing the laptop across the room. He forced himself to write back calmly.
RossB: She was the babysitter that first week, remember?
JennaGirl: I know. I just didn’t realize her duties extended to an overnight camping trip. :)
He gritted his teeth. Didn’t anyone think a camping trip could be simply a camping trip? And did she really have to include little smiley faces at the end of all of her sentences?
When he didn’t respond, another Jenna bubble appeared.
JennaGirl: I’m not weirded out or anything. I think it would be great for you to date someone.
RossB: We aren’t dating.
JennaGirl: Well, a little “not dating” would be good for you too. :)
He shuddered. Being friends with your ex-wife was a good thing. Taking romantic advice from her was not.
RossB: It’s not a good time. The kids are still adjusting to the new house and I’m trying to get the business off the ground.
JennaGirl: It will never be a good time.
He didn’t respond, and a second later, the phone next to him buzzed. He answered with a sigh. “You know how expensive this is, right?”
“Do you like her?” Jenna’s voice shot back.
After ten years of marriage, it was hard to hide anything from Jenna. “She’s all wrong,” he said, instead of answering the question. “She’s into climbing and mountaineering and she’s always traveling. It wouldn’t work out.”
“But how do you feel about her?”
“Who are you, my shrink? It doesn’t matter how I feel. In a week she’s going to climb some mountain in Nepal and very well might die.” Just uttering the words left him feeling faint, and he had to swallow hard before he could continue. “I’m not going to expose the kids to that.”
“Jesus, really?” Jenna’s voice was suddenly hushed. “That’s intense. Don’t they have ropes and harnesses and things?”
“Yeah, and storms and avalanches and crevasses, too.”
“Well, that is scary,” she said. “But what exactly does that have to do with you goin
g out with her?”
“Jenna, have you heard a word I’ve said?”
“Ross, stop that,” she snapped. “I happen to be fairly well acquainted with your sense of honor, okay? I know how you work. You get something in your head, like you’re protecting the kids, or protecting me, and that’s it. You’re black and white. But life doesn’t work that way. Love shouldn’t work that way. Love isn’t about what makes sense, it’s about how you feel.”
This was starting to sound far too much like some of their conversations back when she’d filed for divorce, and he didn’t like it. “Can we change the subject, please?”
A note of wonder entered her voice. “You’re in love with her, aren’t you?”
He couldn’t say anything because it had suddenly become clear to him that he did love her. And every one of his carefully constructed arguments for staying away from her had begun to sound like utter and complete nonsense.
“Oh my dear friend, you are.” He could practically hear her shaking her head in wonder. “And you’re going to let her go without telling her, aren’t you? Because of some stupid rule you created in your head about what was good for the kids.”
“It’s for me, too,” he said quietly. “I’m not sure I can take it if she doesn’t come back.”
“So you’re scared.”
“Of course I’m scared. I’m terrified.” He found himself practically yelling into the phone, and had to force himself to take a deep breath. “What the hell does that have to do with anything?”
“If you’re so terrified, what are you doing at home talking to me? Go after her, you idiot.”
“It’s not that simple. I tried to talk to her today and she wouldn’t listen.”
“It’s never simple,” she replied. “But that doesn’t mean you don’t keep trying.”
He fiddled with the computer in front of him, trying not to think about what was going to happen at the end of the week. Trying not to imagine Kelsey getting on a plane without him ever telling her the truth.
“We tried to love each other like that,” Jenna said. “We tried for a long time. But we were always better friends than we were lovers. I can’t pretend that I know what the real thing is like, but if you’ve got a chance for that kind of love then you owe it to both of us to go after it.”
He had to stop and think. Let the words sink it. Was that what she meant, all those years ago? That was why she’d ended their marriage? Because she believed this kind of love was out there? This feeling that he had for Kelsey? This incredible, driving need?
“How did you know?” he asked, dumbfounded by the sudden moment of clarity. “How did you know it was out there?”
“I didn’t,” she said. “I hoped.”
He had to stop and breathe, remembering the moment when she’d handed him the ring and he’d stood there stunned, not understanding why she could possibly be ripping apart the very fabric of their life. “I never understood.”
She didn’t respond right away. When she did, her voice had the throaty catch that he knew meant she’d been crying. “I know. I never knew if it was worth it. But I believed there was more, for both of us. And now you can make it all worthwhile.” She took a deep breath before she continued. “Make it worthwhile, Ross. Go after her.”
Chapter Nineteen
When he got to her house it was dark. He knocked on the front door and could see a shadow moving inside. The porch light turned on, and then she appeared at the door, biting her lip and glancing nervously over her shoulder when she saw who was there.
“What do you want?” she asked.
“I need to talk to you.” Before he could say anything more she had stepped back, eyes shuttered.
“It’s not a good time.”
“It’s never a good time,” he said, hearing Jenna’s voice in his head.
“My dad is here. Artisan asked us to send over some old family pictures for an article they’re putting together.”
That set him back a moment. An article celebrating their accomplishment, or remembering them after their death? He pushed the thought out of his mind. “Then I’ll tell him, too.”
“Tell me what?” Mick had appeared in the doorway, nostrils flaring with hostility. “Good-bye? Sounds great. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.”
Ross tried to manufacture a tiny bit of sympathy for the man who had lost his wife in a tragic accident, but all it took was one look at Kelsey’s stricken face for that to fall away. “No. Not good-bye. At least, not yet.”
Kelsey turned to her father. “Can you give us a minute?”
Mick did not seem inclined to move. She cleared her throat. “Dad, I’m not kidding. Give us a second alone.” When he still did not step away, she stepped out of the house and onto the front porch and shut the door behind her. Then she turned to Ross. “What did you want to say?”
In the car, on the way over, he had thought about all the various ways he could say it. Some were poetic. Some were straightforward. Some used fancy words. But in the end, all he could do was blurt out the truth.
“I’m in love with you, Kelsey. I don’t want you to go because I love you and I need you. I want to tell the kids that I’m crazy about you. I want to go camping with you and sleep in the same tent. I want to kiss you in front of the world.”
She blinked.
Took a step back.
“No, you don’t.”
He frowned. “I really do, actually. I’m not the sort of guy to mix up his emotions. If I’m telling you that I’m in love, I’m in love.”
“You made that vow, remember? I’m not Donna Reed. I can’t cook. I like to climb on things and run up mountains and sometimes I fall down and hurt myself.”
“I am well aware of that,” he said gravely. “I’ve changed my mind about the vow. It wasn’t well thought out.”
“I’m going to Nepal. I’m going to climb Annapurna.”
He paused. “See, that’s where I was hoping I might be able to persuade you differently. Because of the whole love thing. That changes everything, doesn’t it? You don’t want to go, and I don’t want you to go. Doesn’t that help?”
She shook her head, and even in the dim porch light he could see that her shoulders were shaking. “Don’t ask me to stay. Don’t tell me you love me.”
“Too late,” he said. “I already did.” He tried to smile, though he knew it was a lousy attempt. “And in case you’re wondering, I’ll love you no matter what you do. So you pretty much win either way.”
“Ross, I… I…” Her voice was shaking so badly she couldn’t put words together. He didn’t know why. Did she feel the same way about him? Did she not? He’d never felt so helpless in his entire life.
“Kelsey?” The voice came from the other side of the door. Ross clenched a fist.
Kelsey must have caught the gesture because she touched his arm. “Please don’t.”
“Let me talk to him,” Ross said. “He’s a father. He must realize what he’s doing to you.”
“I need time,” she said. “I can’t do this right now.”
He felt like an ass then, because he saw she was crying. Great big fat tears rolled down her cheeks and slipped off her jaw. She brushed them off with the back of her hand.
“I love you,” he said again, because it was the only thing he knew how to say anymore.
She nodded and fled back into the house.
…
Kelsey shut the door behind her, shoulders shaking with repressed tears. Every emotion lay just inches below the surface, sobs pushing against her throat, the devastating certainty that she’d sent away the only man she would ever love roiling in her gut.
Her father stood a few feet away from the door, the leathery skin around his mouth pursed in a deep frown she knew was supposed to appear sympathetic, but really belied his underlying disgust. “I guess that guy ended up being a jerk, huh? Too bad. You sent him on his way, I assume?”
She examined him slowly, from the wire-sharp muscles of h
is biceps to the deep tan on his forearms. She noticed the long fissures of wrinkles at the corners of his eyes, and wondered when he’d started to look so old.
Her father had been her constant companion ever since her mother died. They’d stood together, emotionless and stunned, at her funeral. He’d taken her on long vacations from school so they could climb Denali and Mount Hood, working their way up to the bigger peaks in Europe and South America. Yet despite their proximity, she was suddenly struck by the realization that they’d never really talked.
“He’s not a jerk.”
Could she undo years of silence? Fix it with a single shot, like an explosion at the heart of a dam? What if she broke the barrier, and found there was nothing on the other side?
Mick shook his head. “We’ve been down this road before. You know you can’t get involved with anyone. How many times do I have to tell you that?”
Kelsey stared, wondering how it was possible she’d never heard the desperation in his voice before, or seen how vulnerable he was under all his bluster. “Dad, why do you want to climb Annapurna?”
“That’s a silly question,” he said, backing away a few inches in surprise. “Because it’s Annapurna. It’s an incredible peak. Because we’re climbers and that’s what we do.”
“Not because of Mom?”
He looked away. “No,” he said. “That’s ridiculous.”
“Is it?” Kelsey paused, trying to sort out the jumble of emotions lurching inside her. “How come you’ve never asked me that question?”
He wrinkled his forehead, confused. “What are you talking about? Why haven’t I asked you why you want to climb Annapurna? Is this something that man put you up to? Or your friend Marie?”
“This isn’t about them,” she said. “It’s about you. And me.”
“Fine.” He shoved his hands into his pockets, looking for all the world like a petulant teenager. “You want me to ask you? I’ll ask you. Why do you want to climb Annapurna?”
“I don’t,” she replied simply. The relief of saying it was so overwhelming, she actually felt light-headed, her head swimming with the weight that had been released.