Good Woman Blues

by Emery, Lynn

  “Listen, honey. I watch that antique show on public TV. You could be holding a hidden treasure,” the older lady still standing nearby said with an eager nod. She was dressed in jeans and a pink T-shirt with the word GRITS embroidered on it.

  “Yes, ma’am,” Erikka answered.

  “Let me show you. Ya gotta look for the markings.” Erikka made it a point not to look at her cousin while the woman rattled on for ten minutes. In no time Erikka knew her name, that she had three children and six grandchildren. Monique rolled her eyes when the woman finally ran out of steam and left.

  “All that fuss to find MADE IN TAIWAN on some worthless doodad,” Monique said, with a giggle.

  “Excuse me, but Fred was not made in Taiwan,” Erikka answered as she held on to the frog. “He was made in China.”

  “S’cuse me, Fred.”

  When she realized another shopper was staring at her face, the trip and the jokes turned sour. Erikka turned away. Suddenly she wanted out of there, out of life, and to be away from the world. Something in her expression must have shown the change.

  Monique’s smile faded. “Hey, you okay?”

  Erikka put Fred down and looked for the easiest path toward an exit. Her chest felt tight. She gasped when a man bumped into her. His apology only made her more anxious. Backing away, she nearly fell over a table of dark blue glassware. Two small bottles and a candy dish wobbled, and then fell. Monique caught the candy dish. The bottles couldn’t be rescued. One broke while the other one bounced and rolled beneath an antique table. Erikka could feel everyone looking at her. She stared at the floor, pushing hard against the tight gloom wrapping itself around her heart.

  “Gotta charge ya.”

  A plump light brown woman with hair dyed fiery red pointed to a sign that said broken items had to be bought. She lifted her chin to gaze steadily at Erikka through her no-line bifocals. Erikka shook her head. Tears formed in the comers of her eyes.

  “No problem,” Monique spoke up quickly, pulling a wallet from her purse. “How much do we owe you?”

  While Monique followed the woman, Erikka retreated to a comer. She tried to disappear between two tall armoires aged by decades of dirt. They gave her the illusion of escape if only for a few moments. Still, she dreaded the long walk out of the flea market. Erikka tried to remember even one relaxation technique. That damn social worker thought she knew so much. What about the horrible flea market panic attack? Miss I-got-my-shit-together hadn’t covered this situation.

  “You okay, miss?”

  “Good. Just fine.”

  Erikka flattened against the rough wood surface and faced a tall stranger. She managed what she hoped was a smile. Her mouth felt pulled too tight at the comers. The effort must have failed. His brown eyes reflected concern.

  Fine creases in his toasted almond skin fanned out from them as he frowned.

  “If you’re worried about those little old bottles—”

  “I’ve got money,” Erikka said, as though he were a mugger, and then turned away from his examination.

  “Your cousin paid already. Aunt Therese is busy trying to sell her more stuff. I’m Gabriel.”

  She focused on the pattern of blue lines in his short-sleeved shirt. “Right. Thanks. I’ve got to find her, my cousin I mean.” Erikka started around him.

  Gabriel gave her a gentle smile as though she were a lost, frightened child. “I’ll take you to her. Way we got things set up, it’s sorta like a maze in here.” He led the way through a path of tables and chairs.

  Two turns later they were in a comer of the large booth. Monique laughed at whatever Gabriel’s aunt Therese was saying.

  “Girl, you can’t be too careful. Got this stick in case those little delinquents show up again.” Aunt Therese broke off when she saw them.

  “I found her for you,” Gabriel said to Monique.

  “Well, you got your wind back?” Aunt Therese said, looking right into Erikka with keen hazel eyes.

  Erikka looked at Monique. “I didn’t lose my wind,” she said.

  “I think maybe she just wanted to browse some more,” Gabriel jumped in.

  “Humph.” Aunt Therese continued to examine Erikka for several seconds.

  Gabriel cleared his throat to break the silence. “Y’all come back next weekend. We’ll have another shipment of furniture by then, even some nice china.”

  Erikka glanced at him, then away. Monique rushed on to exchange more pleasantries with Gabriel and his aunt.

  While they talked, Erikka pretended interest in a row of plates displayed on a buffet table. Erikka walked to the entrance of the booth, and then turned to Monique. The signal worked. Monique waved goodbye to them and walked toward her. Once outside, Erikka slowed her steps. Her therapist had said light helped to dispel the blues. She sure hoped so because she could feel a mournful tune strumming deep inside her. Fat downy clouds lazing against a blue sky didn’t ease the hollow sensation.

  “Come on, sunshine. Do your thing.” Erikka stretched her arms out.

  “What?” Monique blinked hard, and then put on sunglasses. She turned off the alarm and unlocked the doors to her Ford Mustang.

  “I’m not about to flip out. You suck at this babysitting-the-crazy-cousin thing.”

  Monique put the box down, opened the trunk of her car, and put it in. She slammed it closed. “You might try being thankful somebody is willing to put up with your crap.”

  “Oh, now the truth comes out. I should have known.” Erikka gave a grunt of distaste. “I’ll catch a bus.”

  “Sure, walk to the nearest bus stop twenty-two miles away in Lafayette. This is Loreauville, girlfriend. Ain’t no buses or taxi cabs,” Monique added, when Erikka started to speak.

  Erikka mumbled a curse word, and then got in the Mustang. Monique joined her and started the engine. She turned on the air conditioner so they could both chill out. Several miles down the highway and a few degrees cooler, Erikka’s annoyance dissolved into guilty gloom. An all-too-familiar tightness grabbed Erikka around the throat as she struggled not to cry. Why couldn’t she stop the pan-icky feeling that came out of nowhere and gripped her?

  “I don’t know why I’m snapping at you. I don’t know much of anything these days,” Erikka said. She rubbed her cheek hard to erase an offending teardrop.

  “Look, I’m sorry.” Monique looked at her, then ahead.

  “Yeah, well.”

  “I didn’t really mean what I said.” Monique pulled Fred the Frog from her purse and handed him to Erikka.

  “Thanks and yes, you did.” Erikka let another tear fall as she cradled Fred in both palms.

  “Yeah, I did.” Monique extended a wad of tissue to her.

  They both laughed. Erikka dropped Fred into her lap and accepted the tissues. She patted her face dry. ‘Trying to fix it up before Darlene gets hold of your behind, huh? I’m not going to tell on ya.”

  “Girl, if she finds out I picked a fight with you…” Monique let out a long hiss.

  “I started it. I’m always doing something stupid.” Erikka put on a weak smile. “Thanks for the field trip.”

  “You’re welcome. Hey, remember when we used to visit Grandmaman Lillie’s during summer breaks?” Monique’s grip on the steering wheel relaxed.

  “You and I always had some scheme cooking.” Erikka leaned back against the leather seat.

  Monique and Erikka had played for hours with dolls, rode their bikes down the rural roads around their grandparents’ home, and shared secrets. Paw Paw Jules built them a clubhouse. For some reason, maybe for a lot of reasons if she thought about it long enough, they’d lost that closeness. Puberty had been the turning point. First Monique, then seven months later Erikka, turned thirteen. From then on they’d seen little of each other. Four years later at a family wedding they were like strangers.

  “Look, since I’m just up the road, so to speak, I can come visit more often. I’ll take you to the mall. What do you say?” Monique wore a smile of encouragement.<
br />
  Erikka knew it was time to stop pushing people away. Getting out more would be a start. Maybe she would heal faster and get back to her life. The same fat sluggish clouds filled the sky. The same sunshine bounced off the surfaces around her. Erikka tried to will the bright light inside her to make a transformation. She slipped into a gauzy numbness courtesy of the steady hum of the car tires on concrete and the side effect of her antidepressant pill. She nodded, with an expression of anticipation that didn’t go deep enough.

  ***

  “You look rested this morning.” Darlene wore an approving smile. She wiped her hands on a dish towel as Erikka walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table.

  Erikka yawned. “Thanks to the pharmaceuticals. I’m beginning to feel like a spaced-out vegetable. All I do is sit around staring at grass grow.”

  Darlene poured coffee into two mugs and sat down across from Erikka. “Quit acting like you don’t like it here. Monique told me y’all had fun at the flea market.” “Fun.”

  Erikka turned the word over in her mind. When was the last time she’d felt anything but tired, wired, or empty? Fun was still a ways off.

  “I picked up Fred, so that’s something,” Erikka said finally.

  Darlene sputtered in the act of swallowing. “What did you just say?”

  “He’s in the bedroom. I’ll introduce you.” Before Darlene could recover, Erikka winked at her and skipped out. She returned and held him up. “Say hello, Fred.”

  “God, don’t scare me like that.” Darlene put a hand over her heart and fell back against the chair.

  “Fred is the only man for me right now.” Erikka planted a kiss on Fred’s smooth little head. She put him down on the table.

  Malik rushed in, rubbing his face. He opened the refrigerator, took out a small bottle of orange juice, and chugged it down. “Ma, I’m only in school half a day. Got band practice, then I’m heading over to the store.”

  “Morning.” Erikka watched his long, lean adolescence. At fifteen he’d finally started to be taller than most girls he knew, to his profound relief.

  “Hey, cuz.” Malik grinned and winked at her.

  “What about that C on your calculus quiz? Maybe you should give up that job.” Darlene wore a worried frown. “Your grades are suffering.”

  “Aw, man. One quiz. Don’t go trippin’ on me, Mama.” Malik scowled back. He pointed a finger at her. “You said I should start supporting my own habits.”

  “I’ll help you study this evening, sweetie. Not to brag, but I burned up every math class I ever had.” Erikka winked at him.

  “No wonder you’re my fave cuz.” Malik beamed at her. “It’s a date.”

  “He told Monique the same thing when she got him tickets to a concert last month.” Darlene gave his butt a playful swat.

  “Don’t believe it, Erikka. It’s all about you.” Malik blew her a kiss. “Bye, y’all.”

  “Eat something before you go,” Darlene called out, but he was already through the door with just a wave as he disappeared.

  “All that teenage energy makes me want to take a nap,” Erikka said. She pulled the belt of her robe tighter.

  “You sound like a little old lady. I’ve got errands to run, and you’re coming with me.”

  “No, let’s just take it easy. I want to see if this lady wins the big prize on The Price Is Right. She made it to the final round.” Erikka took a sip of coffee.

  “Now I know you need to get out of this house,” Darlene retorted. “Get dressed, and no whining.”

  Erikka whined anyway, and Darlene ignored her. Less than an hour later they were on their way to town in Darlene’s eight-year-old Buick Century. The air conditioner barely chugged out air, much less cooled it. Darlene kept apologizing as she fiddled with the knobs. Erikka didn’t mind. She enjoyed the heat on her skin. Sunlight splashed everything yellow, and she felt less cloudy inside. They drove down Bayou Lane, which was nowhere near a bayou. They passed wood-framed houses faded to various shades of gray. After two miles and closer to town the houses got bigger. Large old homes, with moss-draped oak trees and flowers in bloom, lined up on either side of their route. A green roadside plaque announced that they were now in the historic district.

  “Wonder what these houses are worth?” Erikka looked at them with professional interest. She’d done enough volunteer accounting work in historical restoration to know some of the houses were at least a hundred years old.

  “For Black folks, you can’t count that high. The real-estate agent wouldn’t even return your phone calls, darlin’.” “Oh, it’s like that. Apparently these people haven’t heard of the equal housing laws.” Erikka wasn’t surprised. Every city had invisible racial dividing lines when it came to housing.

  “Mostly tradition. I’ll take you where the Black folks with money live, Oak Ridge Estates. Your aunt JoAnn started to build out there and changed her mind.” Darlene rolled her eyes.

  “Nothing wrong with having money. If you can hold on to it.” Erikka thought of bills with OVERDUE stamped on them piling up.

  “It’s not the money, but how you act once you’ve got it,” Darlene said.

  Her aunt’s observation struck a tender spot. Buying expensive toys to fill up the emptiness had become her vice. Erikka hadn’t consciously decided to live beyond her means. At least she’d finally consulted a credit-counseling agency. The stack of barely polite notes from her creditors had pushed her to it. Erikka grasped at the tiny sliver of silver lining. One step of progress was better than none, she reasoned.

  “Who in the world are all these people grinning like I’ve known them for years?” Erikka waved back at smiling strangers.

  Darlene parallel parked in front of a line of stores. “Folks eager to be friendly and find out as much of your personal business as possible.”

  A burly man somewhere in his forties came out of the drugstore. He seemed to hesitate when he saw them, but then smiled and approached. “Morning, Darlene. How have you been?”

  “Fine, and yourself?” Darlene looked past him.

  “No complaints.” He cleared his throat, while Darlene continued to find interest somewhere over his shoulder.

  Erikka looked at them and wondered if the vibe she sensed between them was all in her mind. “Hi, I’m Erikka.”

  “Erikka, this is Kelvin Washington. Erikka is my niece. She’s visiting with me a few days.”

  “Glad to meet you.” Kelvin shook Erikka’s hand.

  “Kelvin is a deacon at our church and board member of the Senior Center,” Darlene said, in a restrained manner.

  “Right. Come visit us this Sunday.” Kelvin went on with a complete rundown of the program.

  Erikka tried to sort through the onslaught of information as he talked. A tall, grim woman emerged from a dry cleaner’s nearby. She wore a stony expression as she looked from Kelvin to Erikka. Then she stared at Darlene.

  “Now you be sure and speak to me on Sunday, Erikka,” Kelvin said.

  “Thanks for the invitation,” Erikka said, her tone noncommittal.

  “Honey, this is Sister Mason’s niece. This is my wife Carolyn.”

  “Mornin’. I have to be at work in a few minutes,” she said in a clipped tone to Kelvin.

  “Got plenty of time. The nursing home is just up the road. But guess you’re right, better get movin’. Y’all have a blessed day.”

  Kelvin nodded to Erikka as though he’d have tipped a hat if he were wearing one. He managed a sideways look at Darlene before walking off. His wife marched ahead of him down the street to a shiny white Chevy Tahoe. Carolyn opened the passenger side of the door and slammed it hard after getting in.

  “I know her problem,” Erikka said with a grimace.

  “What?” Darlene looked at her sharply.

  “Thinks everyone is after her man. Save me from jealous women.” Erikka made it a point to grin and wave as the car passed them. “Any woman messing with him better brush up on her kung fu.”

  The ca
r passed them. When Darlene didn’t laugh at her joke, Erikka’s eyes widened. “You and Kelvin are—”

  Darlene nodded. “For a year. He’ll leave her soon. Now close your mouth before you swallow a fly or something.”

  “Dang.” Erikka started to say more, when Darlene made an abrupt turn and walked away.

  “Listen, what do you want for supper? I’ve got to get groceries anyway.” Darlene’s tone said that topic was closed.

  “I don’t know. I’m still full from that big bowl of cereal you practically poured down my throat.” Erikka puffed out her cheeks.

  “You lost twenty pounds in three months, and that was before you ended up in the hospital. Looked like a half-starved supermodel by the time you got out.”

  “I’d like to be able to fit into my clothes when I go home.” Erikka patted her buttocks. “And I’ve never been skinny.”

  “Gaining too much weight is not your problem. A little more gravy and buttered rolls won’t hurt you.”

  “Weren’t you starting a diet?” Erikka eyed Darlene’s hips.

  “Monday. This weekend we celebrate.” Darlene stopped in front of a snack shop. A woman sitting next to the window held a double-stacked ice-cream cone.

  After a brief debate Darlene decided against treating herself. They continued down the narrow sidewalk, dodging a few older women out shopping. Erikka continued to lay on the guilt trip about fat grams. Her laughter died when the tall man with warm eyes came out of Harold’s Ace Hardware Store. He stood ready to hold the door for them. Erikka’s steps slowed. Darlene followed her gaze.

  “He’s tasty,” Darlene said. She picked up her pace and smiled as they got close to him. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome. How are you? Feeling better I hope.” Gabriel tilted his head at Erikka slightly. The gesture gave him the look of a kindly doctor examining a patient.

  Darlene’s left eyebrow lifted as she glanced from Erikka to him and back again. Her aunt’s smile changed to one of concerned curiosity. Mr. Solicitous and Darlene waited for Erikka’s answer. Erikka felt as though it was a trick question, just like she had when anyone at the psych unit asked. Whenever she told them she felt okay no one believed her. Points off, patient has no insight that she’s a sick puppy. Tell the truth and say you felt like crap, and you could kiss that discharge goodbye. Figuring out the right way to answer simple questions like “How’s it going today?” or “Did you enjoy lunch?” became critical. Terri tried to help. Bless her bipolar heart. Needless to say, they both ended up staying for months.