Hiding In His Dreams

by Jason W. Chan

  For a moment, panic gripped him. Did she up and leave him?

  Then, another thought. His dependence on her scared him.

  He tried to calm himself down, but nothing worked.

  Just then, Alyssa entered the room, carrying a tray with tomato soup and oyster crackers on it. Her image made his anxiety subside.

  “Are you feeling better?” She set the tray on the bedside table.

  “Yes I am, much better.” he said. “In fact, I’m feeling so well I can probably even look over that contract.”

  She frowned. “Not before you’ve had a light dinner.” She broke the crackers into bite-sized pieces and sprinkled them into the soup.

  She lifted the tray onto the bed, and proceeded to spoon-feed him. He propped a pillow behind his back and sat up.

  “Open up,” she ordered.

  Obediently, he did.

  The hot liquid went down comfortably. After she had fed him most of the soup, Luke summoned the strength to get out of bed.

  “Hey, I’m feeling all better,” he exclaimed, stretching his arms.

  “Luke?” She sat down on the bed, her face somber. He turned to face her, and knew that something was up.

  “Am I a good caretaker? I mean, am I good to you?”

  The question caught him off-guard. He had no answer prepared.

  “You’re a pediatric nurse and a first-grade teacher,” he finally replied. “Taking care of people is what you do.”

  She shook her head. “No, that’s not what I mean. You heard my mom. I couldn’t even cook soup.”

  He reached for the soup on the bedside table, and put a spoonful in his mouth. “What are you talking about? This is delicious.”

  He was in awe. She had always seemed so perfect to him. But now, she had a flaw. Her insecurity. It was something he could never imagine she would have.

  She hung her head. “When I was little, my mom would always tell me how I couldn’t do anything right. One time when I was 16, she was sick. Really sick. So I made her soup for dinner, and fed it to her in bed. She spat it out right away, all over me. Said it tasted like crap. Too bland.”

  He had a burning urge to punch her mother in the face. Instead, he settled for words.

  “Forgot your mother,” he said. “She’s a hypercritical, sour old lady. It was probably about something else. She was just taking her anger out on you.”

  “I think I might still have the scars from the scalding soup.” She lifted her sleeves, and tried searching for the scars.

  When he looked at her again, he saw that she was crying. He had never seen that before. She had always seemed so strong to him. He thought that as a pediatric nurse, she must have seen her share of tragedies, but became strong and emotionally detached to deal with them.

  It made him feel closer to her.

  Instinctively, he sat down on the bed, and hugged her. She put her head on his shoulder. Her tears leaked onto his shoulder, staining it. Pretty soon, his shoulder was wet.

  “No, you’re a great caretaker,” he said. “I’ll protect you from her. I won’t let her hurt you again.”

  He started to kiss parts of her face as she continued to sob. He started with her cheek, then worked his way down to her chin, then back up to her forehead.

  “You took care of me today,” he whispered, as he kissed her earlobe. “You took really good care of me.”

  She said nothing, but continued to weep.

  Neither talked. The only sound was the steady rumble of the traffic outside.

  He felt the heat of her body against his as he wrapped his arms around her. They stayed in that position for a long time.

  * * * * *

  Chapter 6

  A few weeks later…

  One morning, Luke and Alyssa were both getting ready for work. As he was tying his tie, he noticed that Alyssa’s face was pale.

  She cupped her hands to her mouth, and lurched forward.

  “Are you OK?” he asked.

  She didn’t answer, but instead, rushed into their en suite bathroom.

  He rushed over to the doorway, just in time to see her bend over the toilet, throwing up.

  “Alyssa?”

  She continued to vomit.

  “I’m OK,” she said, between gasps of air. “You’re going to be late. Go on to work.” She turned to face him. Her hair was a mess.

  Ignoring her, he strode over, but Alyssa was insistent. “No, really, I’m fine. Just go on to work.”

  “I’ll take you to the doctor.”

  “No, I can take myself. It’s fine. You have to get to work.”

  He recognized that tone. He was concerned, but knew there was nothing he could do once she became insistent.

  “You better stay home,” he said. “I’ll call you from work.”

  He took one last look at her before he left. She didn’t look sick. There was something in her eyes. A twinkle. A twinkle of something…anticipation, he decided. Yes, that was it. Anticipation. But of what?

  * * * * *

  Luke stared at the documents on his desk. They were compiling up in front of him. The deadline loomed in his head. Only another week to go. And he was nowhere near done.

  He thought about what his boss had said a month earlier.

  Is something distracting you?

  If something was, he was not going to let it.

  He continued to pour over the documents, but something was nagging at the back of his mind.

  Kids.

  Alyssa wanted kids and marriage.

  He wanted neither, just yet anyway.

  It was not that he did not like kids. It was just that it was too soon for him. He wanted to be further established in his career before he had them. That way, he could provide a better future for his children, something his own father never did for him.

  He looked at the clock. 12 noon.

  It was time to check on his girlfriend. He picked up the phone and was about to dial home, when someone knocked on the door. It was Alyssa, and she was all smiles.

  “What are you doing here?” he said, smiling back. “I was just about to call you. Are you feeling better?”

  “Much better,” she said. “A lot better.”

  There was something about her emphasis that made him curious.

  She ran a hand through her long hair. “So I went to Station Square Medical Clinic this morning. I‘m in perfect health.”

  She smiled, but it was no ordinary smile. There was something mischievous in it.

  “Or,” she continued, “should I say that we’re in perfect health?”

  “We? That must be one psychic doctor.”

  “I don’t mean you and me, silly.” She flipped her hair behind her back.

  He narrowed his eyes at her. “Are you flirting with me? Because if you are, you don’t have to. I’m already yours.” He grinned at her.

  So that was her little game. Was she trying to inject more passion into their relationship by showing up in the middle of the workday and flirt with him?

  She pointed to her stomach. “We,” she said. Her face mirrored that of a little girl excited to go to the carnival.

  Then, it dawned on him.

  As it struck him, he was frozen. He had no idea what to feel, or what to say.

  “But how?” he said, furrowing his eyebrows. “We used….”

  “I know,” she interrupted. “But there was still a chance. And we were heading in that direction anyway.”

  She stared at him. “You’re not excited.” It was a statement of fact, and not a question.

  He smiled, and opened up his face. “No, I am. It’s great. Since when?”

  “A few weeks. I was late this month. And then it never came. This explains a lot.” She pointed to her stomach. “The doctor wants me to see an ob-gyn to check its health and sex soon.”

  She cupped her hands on her stomach protectively. “Can you imagine? We’re going to be parents. And I’m going to be a mommy.”

  He touched her stomac
h. It felt normal, but he knew everything was about to change.

  He enveloped her in a hug. He breathed in once. Normally, he would enjoy the fragrance of her peach perfume, but this breath was to ensure that he was actually awake, and not dreaming.

  * * * * *

  The news sank in slowly over the next few days. He was going to be a father. He may not have been ready, but the baby was coming. He was going to make himself ready. He would work extra hard to make sure the baby would be born into a loving family with financial means.

  For a moment, he thought that the child might not have been his, but to think that Alyssa would flirt with infidelity was unthinkable. She was simply not that type.

  On the third day after the big news, he decided to surprise Alyssa at work. He strolled down the halls of Dr. F.D. Sinclair Elementary School. It had been a very long time since he had last been in an elementary school. As his head nearly bumped the ceiling of the hall, he marveled at how miniature everything.

  He arrived in front of Room 16, Alyssa’s classroom, a few minutes after dismissal. He peered in and saw her behind her desk, speaking in tender tones to a little Asian girl. His girlfriend looked the part. She had her hair in a bun, and wore glasses that made her look very intelligent.

  “But it’s so hard,” the little girl complained. “I don’t get it.”

  “No, it’s really not,” Alyssa replied. “Let me show you.”

  From a container on her desk, she poured out a bunch of bingo chips. “If you have five chips, how many would you have if you took away two?”

  The little Asian girl stared at her teacher. “I don’t know.”

  “Why don’t you try it?” Alyssa said, without changing her tender tone of voice. “Take away two.”

  The girl looked at Alyssa hesitantly, as though she was just told she was being fed to the lions. Gingerly, she reached out one hand, and took away two bingo chips.

  “Now count the chips that are left.”

  The little girl put one finger on a chip, then the one next to it, then the one next to that. “One, two, three.”

  “So how many have you counted?”

  The little girl shrugged.

  Alyssa’s expression remained the same.

  “Try it again, sweetie. Count it.”

  The girl counted to three.

  “So how many do you have left?”

  The girl stared at her instructor blankly.

  “Go on,” Alyssa coaxed. “Count the chips again and tell me the last number.”

  “One. Two. Three.”

  “Three.” The girl’s face lit up and Alyssa smiled.

  As Luke watched her interact with her student, he knew there was no doubt that she was going to be a great mother. And he could imagine that that little girl was theirs. He could imagine picking her up from school, reading fairy tales to her at bedtime, then tucking her in.

  The little girl waved her arms in the air. “Three,” she repeated in awe.

  “You did it. High five!” Alyssa stuck out one palm, and the little girl high-fived her.

  Luke waited until the little girl left the classroom through the other door, then proceeded to turn the knob of the door he was leaning against.

  He froze when he saw Alyssa take out something from her drawer.

  It was a book. A tattered, yellowed-paged book.

  He could just make out the title. The Big Book of Baby Names.

  Luke watched as she thumbed through the dog-eared pages, humming to herself.

  “Tanya,” she said.

  She turned a page. “Denise.”

  She turned another page. “Shaylee. It means ‘of the field.’”

  “I like Shaylee,” she added as an afterthought.

  “I like it too,” Luke said, opening the door.

  Alyssa looked up from her book, and squealed. She hurried toward him and dove into his arms.

  “You never surprise me at work,” she said, laughing.

  He kissed her on the cheek. “I thought it was about time I did.”

  “If you like ‘Shaylee’ too, then ‘Shaylee’ it is. Are you ready to be a daddy?” she asked.

  He nodded. “I am. And I want to have a family with you.”

  Her eyes widened. “Are you asking me to marry you?”

  He froze. He hadn’t thought about that yet. He could not believe that he had not. He struggled to compose himself. “I have to do it the right way. With a ring and a romantic setting and all that. And you can’t know it’s coming.”

  She nodded, and smiled coyly. “Of course.”

  He reached out one hand and placed it gently on her stomach. “May I?”

  She nodded and he let it stay there.

  He felt nothing, no sign of life, no kicks.

  But even though he did not feel anything, he could not help but marvel at the life that was growing inside her, and his part in creating it.

  “Do you want to talk to it?” Alyssa asked.

  He gave her a puzzled look. “Talk to it? Can it even hear me? What would I say?”

  “I read somewhere that it can distinguish its parents’ voices from other people‘s. I’ve been talking to it a lot. Maybe when it comes out, it’ll recognize your voice.”

  Luke stood there with his hand on her bulging stomach, feeling like an idiot. “What should I say?”

  “Just say what’s on your mind. I know it’s hard for you, but try anyway.”

  So he did. He cleared his throat.

  “Little boy or little girl. I just want you to know that your mommy and daddy are doing everything they can to give you a good life when you come out.”

  Alyssa smiled.

  As he stood in front of his beloved and his unborn child, he thought about how far he had come. Just half a year earlier, he did not even have a girlfriend. And now, he was going to be a father and a husband. He could not believe that he had told her that he was going to propose.

  He felt his hand tremble at the thought.

  * * * * *

  At noon the next day, Luke sat in the lunchroom at work, hunched over his laptop. Beside him, his turkey sandwich on rye was untouched.

  He was working so hard that he did not hear his name.

  “Luke? Luke?”

  He looked up and saw Mike wander into the room. His tanned friend looked really healthy. Mike’s sandy blond beach hair swung as he walked toward Luke.

  “I heard the big news,” Mike said. “Congratulations!”

  “Yeah,” Luke said. “Thanks.”

  “You don’t look very excited.” Mike adjusted his glasses.

  “No, I am,” Luke affirmed.

  “So does this mean you’re getting married then?”

  “Yeah,” he said flatly.

  “What’s the matter with you?” Mike inspected his friend and co-worker. “Alyssa’s a great girl. You’re lucky to have her.”

  Luke remained silent. The spring sunlight streamed in from the window. From the lunchroom, he could see the vibrant green of Stanley Park. Along the entrance to the park, he could see a man and a woman pushing a stroller with a toddler in it.

  The woman slipped her hand into the man’s, and they rubbed their noses together.

  Luke pried his eyes away from the happy couple and turned back to Mike.

  “What’s being married like?”

  “It’s good,” Mike answered, placing a container in the microwave. “Are you still thinking of that nightmare with Nina?”

  Luke said nothing. He had tried to block out most of his memories of his ex-girlfriend.

  He remembered only one scene.

  He was having a fight with Nina in a restaurant. All the customers and staff members stopped what they were doing to take in the drama.

  “You don’t love me anymore,” Nina accused, setting down her fork with a loud clang.

  “I do,” he protested.

  “Then why didn’t you cancel your plans with Mike to spend time with me? I hardly see you.”

  �
�I see you three times a week at the very least. And I shouldn’t have to kick friends out of my life to spend time with you.”

  Nina crossed her arms over her chest, her small mouth pouting out.

  “What the hell are you even doing with me?” she demanded to know.

  Luke had no answer for her. He knew that she would be dissatisfied with anything he said.

  So he said nothing.

  She continued to glare at him as he ate his noodles calmly.

  “I think we should break up,” he said quietly. He looked at her brown eyes, her short dark hair, and her arms folded across her chest.

  She did not need to talk. Her scowling face said it all.

  The microwave dinged, bringing him back to the present.

  “You don’t have to say it,” Mike said, taking his container out of the microwave. “I can tell you are still thinking of that nightmare with Nina. You gotta move on from that, man. A normal relationship, let alone a marriage, is nothing like that. You’re supposed to be really enjoy being together, and not feel like you’re one person.”

  Mike put a hand on Luke’s shoulder. “Don’t sweat it, man. These are just pre-marriage jitters. They’ll go away.”

  Luke hoped they would.

  * * * * *

  When Luke got home that night, there was a note from Alyssa on the mini blackboard they used to write messages to each other.

  Doing double shift at the hospital tonight. Leftover lasagna in the fridge. Love, A.

  He wondered briefly whether she should still be working so hard now that she was pregnant. But he knew her. Like him, she was unhappy if she were not doing what she loved most: taking care of others.

  He went into his bedroom to change, but caught sight of something in the guest room. He poked his head in and witnessed a transformation. It used to be empty, except for a tiny bed in the corner.

  Now, in the middle of the room was a crib. He walked into the room. In the crib were stuffed animals, a rattle, and a bottle. Infant clothes, socks and pacifiers lined the spare bed in the corner. She must have gone shopping without me, he realized.

  As he took in the sight, he realized just how much Alyssa wanted to be a mother.

  He pushed the doubt out of his mind.

  I’ll propose to her soon, he decided. Just as soon as I get promoted. So that I can give them both a better life.