"Where were you?" Luke asked, still half asleep.
"At the old folk's home. I've started to volunteer there."
"Don't you think you're overdoing it a bit? You already teach school and work at the hospital."
She looked at her blankly, then sneered. "I'm fine," she said. "Just fine."
He stood up. “You’re the one that always tells me to slow down and enjoy life.”
“Things have changed,” she said.
Indeed they have, he thought.
She walked toward their bedroom, then stopped at the babies' room. Luke turned around and saw her staring blankly into it. She stood there for a good ten minutes. Luke tried to get up, but decided not to. He realized that he had to allow her to have her own form of therapy.
He saw her look down at her now flat stomach, and pat it lightly.
Ten minutes dragged into twenty. Luke decided that it was time to join her. He went up beside her and put an arm around her. She did not seem to notice.
He heard the summer rain hammering against the glass, as though it were struggling to infiltrate their apartment. The rain came without warning, a sudden freak storm. The wind bellowed and shook the glass window.
She shook a little, and Luke could not tell if it was due to the weather.
"Are you OK?" Luke asked.
Alyssa shook her head, then her entire body began to tremble. She started to unbutton her shirt, then took it off, standing there in her bra.
She turned to Luke, and started to unbutton the top of his dress shirt. She kissed him furiously on the cheek, then pounced on him.
Luke backed away. "What are you doing?!" he asked. He looked at her. Her face was hot, and her body was still shaking. Luke now knew that it was not due to the weather.
"Let's make a baby," she said. Her hair was a mess, her eyes were eager, and her voice was innocent. Too innocent to do what she had just suggested.
"Like this?"
She nodded.
"I don't want to do it like this. It's too soon. It doesn't feel right." There, he had said it. He had mentioned the miscarriage for the first time in weeks.
Alyssa, however, did not notice it. She advanced on him, and he backed away even farther.
She tackled him and he fell to the floor. She tried to undo her bra, but the straps were giving her trouble. At the same time, she kissed him all over his face, but it was less of a kiss and more like the wet slobbering of a dog.
"Alyssa," he said.
When she did not respond, he yelled, "Alyssa!"
She ignored him.
He pushed her off, and she rolled down beside him.
The two of them lay on the floor, panting.
He looked at her. She looked like she had just fallen into a pool.
"Not like this," he said firmly.
She started to cry, then sob hard.
He took her in his arms and kissed her on the neck once. "It's alright, Lissie. It's alright."
She closed her eyes and snuggled into his chest, still sobbing.
* * * * *
Over the next few days, Luke worked late. He missed dinner three times. He did not want to face his now crazy girlfriend. On the fourth night, he knew he would be in hot water if he did not go home for dinner. He left the office at 9pm.
When he got home, he saw Alyssa sitting on the couch in front of the TV set.
“You’re doing it again,” she said, then switched off the TV.
“Doing what?” He strolled into their bedroom and set down his briefcase.
“Working too hard.” She followed him into their bedroom.
“You’re doing it too,” he shot back. “You even started a third job.”
She looked at him blankly.
He crossed his arms over his chest. “Volunteering at that old folk’s place,” he offered.
“That’s different.” She put her hands on her hips. “You were a workaholic before the…the…the….”
“Miscarriage,” he said. “We had a miscarriage. How can we deal with it if you can’t even say the damn word?” His words came out harsher than he had expected, impatient and caustic.
“Deal with it?” she said. “How can you use those words to describe our little babies?” Her eyes narrowed and her nostrils flared up.
He sensed she was looking for a showdown, and he was not going to give it to her. It could explode in his face.
“Let’s just eat,” he said. “I’m starving.”
“Fine,” she said.
They went into the kitchen, and tried to decide what to have for dinner.
"I don't feel like cooking," Alyssa said. "Let's order delivery."
This struck Luke as odd. Alyssa had always liked to cook at home.
Half an hour later, fried chicken was delivered straight to their door. They sat down at the dining table.
“You want to go for a walk after dinner?” Alyssa asked, opening the box of chicken. The appetizing aroma of fried chicken floated through the air. “It’ll be just like our after-dinner walk at Qualicum Beach.”
Luke felt pieces of the old Alyssa returning. It was in her face and her tone of voice. He looked out his high-rise window. It was getting really dark.
“Nah,” he said. “I don’t really feel like it.”
Alyssa chewed on a pasta side dish, then put her fork down. The silverware clattered onto the table.
He could something in her face. The start of a confrontation was written all over it.
"What are we doing?" she asked.
"We're having dinner,' he said, taking a bite of his drumstick.
"No, what are we doing?" She pointed to herself quickly then to Luke. "I feel like we're going nowhere."
"What do you mean? You really want to go for a walk? Fine, let’s go after dinner then."
"We're not going anywhere. Everything‘s feels weird."
Luke was not listening though. He was looking out the window, thinking about his projects at work.
“Luke, I’m talking to you. The least you could do is listen.” Her tone was angry, and had just a hint of menace in it.
Luke put down his drumstick and stared at Alyssa, whose face was starting to redden. He was beginning to understand that her belligerent attitude was more than just about a walk. "It's fine. We just had a minor setback. You’re just dealing with the aftermath of the miscarriage. We can try again."
“And what about you? I don’t see you grieving.”
“I am,” he said. “Just inside.” He wondered whether she had bought his lie.
Alyssa did not look convinced. Looking at her twisted face, he realized what had really started this argument.
"I was going to ask you to marry me," Luke said. "But I thought that could wait until later."
"Until later when?"
He shrugged. "I don't know. Just later. We were still dealing with the miscarriage."
“I had a feeling you didn’t want to marry me. You only obliged because of the baby.”
The accuracy of her statement bit him like a fire ant. He even squirmed.
The doubts he had about marriage and starting a family flooded back into his mind, overwhelming it. They must have somehow survived his flaying.
“I do,” he protested, but even he could tell it sounded weak and insincere.
Alyssa continued, "Can you honestly look me in the face and tell me you want to marry me? It’s not just because of the babies. I know you still have issues. Unresolved issues."
He looked her in the face and she looked back at him expectedly. It was an old-fashioned western stand-off. He knew this was going to blow up in his face. It was not just about the miscarriage. He knew the stress of the miscarriage was the trigger for a bigger issue.
Finally, he spoke. “Fine. I’ll be honest. My parents didn’t have the best marriage. They stuck together for 25 years, even though the passion and the love were long gone. It made me really sad to see the love just fizzle out of the marriage. And it made me even sadder to see the
m still stick together.”
“And you think that will happen to us?”
Luke did not reply for a while. “It scares me.”
Alyssa shrugged. “There’s really nothing I can say to comfort you. Except for ‘take a chance.’ I shouldn‘t have to convince you to marry me.” She shook her head.
“You know I love you,” he said. “I feel it in my heart.”
“Prove it,” she challenged.
He said nothing. He wanted so badly to say something to comfort her, but she was right. Marriage terrified him. He resented his parents for that.
She gave him a brief look. It was nearly a blank look, but Luke knew better. Alyssa’s looks were never quite blank, always concealing a weapon. But Luke was unable to read anything from this particular look, except for… undertones of something. Resignation? Disappointment? Menace?
Yes, Luke decided. That was it. It was a menacing look.
* * * * *
At the work the next day, instead of focusing on his latest client, he was thinking about Alyssa. He was especially thinking about the look she had given him the night before. It was ominous to him, like a black cat crossing his path.
There was a knock on the door, and Gordie, his overachieving colleage, now a Full Manager and Luke’s superior, peeked in.
“Excuse me, sir,” Gordie said to Luke’s client. “I’d like to borrow Luke for a moment.”
The client, a skinny balding middle-aged man, nodded and smiled. “Please go ahead.”
Luke grabbed the document that he knew Gordie needed, told his client he would be right back, and stepped out of his office.
Gordie, a young man in a pristine black suit and a red bowtie, nodded. “Thanks for this.” He took the document from Luke. “So I hear you’re getting married? Congratulations!”
“Married? Where did you hear that?” Luke squinted at Gordie.
“Office rumors travel fast. You mean you’re not getting married?”
“I was going to propose, but then something happened, and I’ve decided to postpone it.”
Gordie scratched his head. “Why? Alyssa’s a great girl. I’m going to be honest with you. I saw her bring you dinner one night and I thought to myself ‘I would gladly give up my job if it means I get a girl as great as her.’ I could tell that she takes great care of you.”
Gordie pointed to himself. “Don’t be like me. I know what people say about me. I know no life, no friends, and I live at the office. Sure, I’m the youngest Full Manager of the company, but I sacrificed too much to get here. Can I get girls? Hell yeah, but now I’ll never know if they’ll like me for me or for my money. At least you know that Alyssa loves you for you.”
Luke frowned. He did not feel this was any of Gordie’s business. He was right though. Alyssa loved him for him, and not for his money. She was with him before he had made Junior Manager.
Gordie saw Luke’s scowl. “Excuse me,” he said, then left.
Luke re-entered his office. “Sorry about that,” he apologized to his client.
“So we want to acquire FH Bank and they offered me a contact. You think this is a good deal?
His client stuck a thick pile of documents on his desk as Luke sat back down.
Luke stared at the document, but the words did not register as meaning in his mind. To him, it was all a bunch of scribbles on pieces of paper.
He decided to dismiss Alyssa’s threatening expression from his mind. She was just stressed out. Yes, that was it. She had lost both fetuses in her womb. That would make anyone, especially her, a woman that really wanted children, stressed out.
What about him? Sure, he was bummed that the babies had been lost, but for some reason, he did not feel the grief as intensely as Alyssa. He felt ashamed that he did not. After all, the babies were his too. In fact, he felt relief. He did not want to admit feeling something as loathsome as relief under the circumstances, but he could not help it. Feelings are. They simply are.
Instead of focusing on the constant yammering of his client, he stared vacantly out the open window.
He smelled something in the air. A storm. A storm was coming.
* * * * *
The rain started even before he got on the sky train to go home. It was a furious kind of rain, angry with the whole world. It hurled itself against the window of the train, splattering on the glass with a satisfying thud, like a kamikaze bomber.
I saw her bring you dinner, Gordie had said. Alyssa loves you for you and not for your money. I’ll never have that.
Yes, that was true. She does care about me, he thought.
Not that there was any doubt of that. And there was no doubt he cared about her. There was never doubt about the love between them. That much he knew.
He glanced around the train, and noticed that he was sitting across from a wrinkly elderly couple. They both had white hair, and were wearing tattered clothing.
They held each other’s wrinkly hands, and kissed on the lips.
When they looked at each other, Luke noticed something in their eyes. Joy. That was it. Joy. And love. It was not passion, but that did not matter. The elderly couple had something so much better, so much deeper, and so much more permanent. Mature love. Luke could tell just from the way they looked at each other.
This was the kind of love he wanted. This was the kind of love he had read about in novels, but doubted that it existed. And he was sure that this was the kind of love he had with Alyssa. They had been through a lot together, and they still managed to stay together.
As he gazed at the old couple, a thought came to him.
No, a resolve.
No. A vow.
I am not going to let my fears cripple me, he thought. I love Alyssa. And Alyssa loves me.
Take a chance, she had said. I shouldn’t have to convince you to marry me.
She’s right, he thought. She shouldn’t have to convince me to marry her. I should want to. And I do.
I’m going to take a chance, he avowed. Screw the fears and doubts. Screw it all.
Luke felt himself getting hot all over.
When the sky train stopped at his station, he rushed onto the platform so quickly that he nearly forgot his briefcase.
He bolted in the rain, hurrying past the stores, ignoring the blustery wind and the pelting rain.
He had let doubt imprison him for too long. He would embrace love in all its glory.
He would take a chance with the only girl he had ever loved, and will ever love.
I will propose to her informally tonight, he thought. Then take her to Taylor Park to do it officially tomorrow, when the rain stopped.
A big smile enveloped his wet face as he made his way to his apartment. He was even whistling when he turned inserted the key in his door.
He felt like a new man.
He was whistling still when he went into their bedroom. He examined the room and noticed that it looked off.
Items were missing. Alyssa’s paintbrushes and canvass.
At first, he thought that they had been burglarized, but when he looked into the closet, he saw that it was only half-empty.
All his clothes were there. Alyssa’s were not.
Puzzled, he wandered into the living room and saw a message written with care on the mini blackboard. The blackboard looked as though it had been wiped several times.
I can’t be with you anymore. A.
Just A.
No Love, A.
Just A.
His first thought was that this was a joke. But Alyssa was not one to make jokes like this.
Maybe she’s punishing me, he thought. She’s punishing me for taking her for granted. She’s trying to give me a good scare.
Outside, he heard thunder, then saw a flash of lightning out of the corner of his eye.
He looked around the room frantically, looking for any sign that her leaving was a joke. Most of her paintings of landscapes and cherry blossoms had been removed from their proud places on the walls of the living room.
Only a measly three were left. His living room was a huge concert hall without an audience.
When he saw a cherry blossom on the coffee table, he knew this was no joke.
He knew that he had not left it there. It was usually kept in their bedroom, on their nightstand. The blossom had been put there on purpose.
Luke walked over to the table, and picked up the flower. He cradled it in his hand, like he would a newborn. His own newborn.
He stared at the cherry blossom that she had given him on their first date. It was starting to wither.
* * * * *
Chapter 9
Luke wasted no time. He called all her friends, but they said they had not seen her. Where could she have gone?
He called her mother’s place last.
“Hello?” Florence Caldwell’s scratchy voice said.
“Florence, it’s me, Luke. Is Alyssa there?”
“Oh, it’s you.“ She sighed. “So you tracked her down. Yes, she is. But she doesn’t want to speak to you.”
“Would you please put her on? This is important.”
“This is out of my control. I’ll have to ask her.”
In the background, Luke could hear a laugh track from a sitcom on TV. Then, he heard muffled voices, one of which sounded urgent and angry.
He thought he could make out a ‘no.’
Finally, Florence’s voice came back on the line.
“She’s not interested in speaking with you. She tells you to stop calling her and let her move on.”
“Move on to where?” Luke’s voice was demanding, with just a hint of fear.
“I don’t know. I have to go now.”
“Wait, don’t hang up,” Luke said, but it was too late. He heard a click, then the dial tone.
He put the phone down, then stared out the window. The rain was really starting to come down.
No, he decided. I am not going to lose her. I am going to win her back. Everything’s different now. I know what‘s important now.
He decided that he would go to her mother’s townhouse and coax her to come home. He grabbed the diamond engagement ring in his bedroom and went out the door.
He drove the half hour to Langley. The highway was dark and windy. He felt as though he were in the centre of a tornado.
Hiding In His Dreams Page 7