“I know.” She patted his hand with her other hand. “I know.”
“Were you going to come?” He was afraid to know the answer.
She nodded. “Of course I was. Of course I was.”
Luke smiled. At least she was going to accept his proposal.
He held her hand tighter. “I wrote you a poem. And I carved our initials into the bench at Taylor Park.”
“I know,” she said, smiling. Luke had forgotten just how beautiful her smile was.
“That’s very sweet of you,” she added.
He strained to remember what the poem read, but he could not.
“I’m sorry for everything,” he said. “For the miscarriage, the late nights, the fights.”
“Don’t say that.” She rested her head on his shoulder. “I blame the situation. That’s how normal people react under stress. Look at what we went through. One miscarriage. So many fights. Burying ourselves in our work. I think that any two people in that situation would have done exactly what we did.”
“But if we hadn’t had that last fight, you wouldn’t have gone to your mother’s, and you wouldn’t have slipped and cracked your head. And if I had asked you to marry me that night, we probably wouldn’t have had that last fight.”
“No.” She shook her head furiously, her hair spilling out all over. “Don’t think of it like that. What if I had been hit by a bus? Anyone could die anytime in any way. We can’t change the past. Don’t blame yourself.”
Luke looked at her in awe. “Why do you love me? I don’t deserve anyone’s love, least of all yours.”
She gave him an irritated look, as though he had asked a stupid question.
“I saw a spark in you. That day when we met, you stood up for me. I knew right then that you were more than just your career, that you were capable of love.”
Luke nodded. I do deserve her love, he affirmed.
He looked around. Nothing but empty space and wisps of floating cloud. “What is this? Where are we?”
Luke looked down but saw nothing but air. He couldn’t even see the ground.
“It’s a safe place that I could meet you.”
“Safe place? How are you able to meet me?”
“Do you remember dreaming of the cornfield?”
He nodded.
“That was me in the centre. And do you remember the whistling wind?”
He nodded.
“That was the Wind. I’m supposed to go Home. The Wind is supposed to take me Home, a place where all spirits go. The cornfield was the entrance. I’ve been running away from them. I’m not supposed to be seeing you here in your dreams.”
“I don’t want you to go.”
He hugged her, and she moved in closer to him.
“I don’t want to leave either,” she said. “Until I know you’re OK.”
“Will you come see me every night?”
She nodded. “I’ll try. Just don’t let the Wind get me. If they do, they’ll take me away and I can never see you again.”
In the distance, he heard a faint buzzing sound.
“What’s that?” Alyssa asked. “I think you have to wake up soon.”
He gripped her even tighter. “I don’t want to.”
“Come on, you’re a big boy,” she said, a hint of teasing in her voice.
He ignored her teasing. “How will I see you again?”
“I may not be able to come every night.”
For a while, they just held each other. To Luke, it was the same feeling he had when he and Alyssa went to Qualicum Beach, the same serene feeling he felt when falling asleep to the sound of the waves.
After a while, Alyssa mumbled, “Why’d you take down my paintings? I painted them for you.”
“Huh? Oh right. I don’t know why.”
He knew though. It was his way of grieving. Cut her out of his life so that she could not hurt him. His method, obviously, had not worked.
“Put them back up.”
“I will.” Now, he wished he had not taken them down.
The buzzing noise grew louder and more insistent.
Alyssa pried herself from his arms. “We have to leave now.” She glanced around nervously. “That could be the Wind.”
“Wait! How could I see you again?”
“Just will yourself to dream of me again.” He could barely hear her above the noise.
She turned around, then back to him. “Oh, and the cherry blossom you’re looking for? It fell under the bed.”
Then, as suddenly as she appeared, Alyssa faded away.
Luke reached out for her, but his arms did nothing. He felt himself drifting away from the cloud he was sitting on, farther and farther until he, too, was fading away.
* * * * *
He woke up with tears in his eyes. He looked around. There were no clouds, just his own apartment and his TV featuring a commercial with the bees buzzing loudly. He looked at the clock. He had only been asleep for a few minutes. It felt a lot longer.
He vaguely recalled what he had dreamed about. Then, it came back to him, all at once. Alyssa. He remembered dreaming of Alyssa. So it was just a dream. The disappointment pierced him like a sharp knife.
It was the sweetest dream I had ever had, he thought.
He recalled what she had said.
Why’d you take down my paintings? I painted them for you.
He went to the closet, took out her paintings, and hung them back up on the living room walls. He examined the cherry blossoms. They were white, red and pink.
The images triggered something in his mind. Alyssa mentioned cherry blossoms. There were something about cherry blossoms.
Then, he remembered.
The cherry blossom you’re looking for? It fell under the bed, she had said.
Luke got up and rushed to his bedroom. He fell straight down to the floor and peeked under the bed. Scattered there were a baseball, a box of Kleenex, and a black hoodie.
And there, lying among the dust, just beside the hoodie, was a white cherry blossom. Luke’s eyes grew bigger as he reached in and retrieved it.
Alyssa was right, he thought. Alyssa knew where the cherry blossom was. As he held the little flower in his hands, he felt a chill go through his body.
* * * * *
Chapter 12
Later that day, Luke was called into his boss’ office.
Stew heaved documents onto his giant desk.
“What is this?” Stew asked, his pudgy face jiggling like poked jello. He sat behind his desk with his arms crossed.
Luke stared at his boss’ red face, then at the mess of papers. “What?”
“Sabban Entertainment has just filed an official complaint against you. You overlooked something that made them lose millions of dollars. You blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.”
That was all Luke heard. He was not thinking about work. He was thinking of Alyssa, and when he would see her again.
Maybe tonight, he thought. Maybe I’ll get to see her again tonight.
A part of him thought he was going crazy, but another part thought it made sense. He had just lost his almost-wife. Of course he would see her in his dreams. He knew from university psychology courses that you see in your dreams whatever you most yearn for.
But then, she had known where their cherry blossom was. Under the bed. Exactly where she said it would be.
Maybe I knew where it was all along, Luke thought. And my subconscious, in the form of Alyssa, confirmed it for me.
But he was no psychiatrist. And he would refuse to see an actual one too.
“Are you even listening to me?” His supervisor interrupted his daydream. “You just cost one of our most important clients millions of dollars and you’re not even listening!”
Luke froze up. He did not what to tell his boss. He knew his expression was pathetic. If he were his own boss, he would have fired himself.
His boss’ expression softened. “Are you sure everything’s OK? Did something happen?”
Fo
r a moment, Luke considered telling Stew about the recent events in his life, but he knew that Stew did not care. He was merely putting on a show, pretending to care about his employees by inquiring about their personal lives.
Luke shook his head. “No, sir. I will fix it right away.”
“How?” Stew held his hands out. “The damage has already been done. There’s nothing you can do to fix it.”
His boss stabbed the air with his fingers. “This is the second time you’ve screwed up, Luke. Investment banking is a fickle, unstable industry. Only the cream of the crop is invited to perform. The stakes are high. And that’s why the money is too. It does not tolerate mistakes of any kind.”
Stew waited for a response from Luke, but none came. The boss pounded the table once. “Luke, you’re fired. Pack your bags and get out.” He indicated the door.
Luke stared at his boss’ worked-up face.
Months ago, he would have cared. But things have changed. All he wanted to do was see Alyssa in dreamland. That was all that was important to him.
* * * * *
When he got home, a message was waiting for him on the answering machine.
“Luke, it’s Florence. Alyssa’s funeral is next Wednesday. If you’re coming, call me to confirm.”
I will not call her, he thought. I will not go. Why should I see Alyssa’s dead corpse in a casket when I can see her every night in my dreams?
* * * * *
That night in his dreams, he was high above the clouds again. This time, the sun had already set, so he was sitting on a cloud in the darkness. The stars had come out, twinkling, and were even moving around. They formed a heart shape, then dissolved.
Patiently, he waited for Alyssa. He watched as the moon began its trek across the sky. He watched as the shiny round globe moved from his left, all the way to his right.
It seemed like it had taken a long time to make that voyage (he could never tell the passage of time in dreams).
Patiently, he waited some more.
Alyssa still had not arrived.
He looked around. Nothing but stars snuggled into the sky.
The sound of silence.
The smell of freshness.
The rejuvenating breeze.
All he needed was Alyssa to enjoy this with him.
But she did not show up that time.
* * * * *
Luke awoke naturally, and not to the sound of his alarm clock, for once. He glanced at the clock. 9 am.
He realized he was late for work, so he got up in a hurry, brushed his teeth, and began to get dressed.
Then he remembered that he had been fired.
He had nowhere to go.
He took off his dress shirt and pants, and fell back in bed, staring at the ceiling.
Alyssa did not come. Why? Something about the Wind?
He felt like he was going insane. The boundaries of reality and dreamland were mixing, and he was beginning to have trouble telling them apart.
He just had to see Alyssa again.
You really don’t know what you have til it’s gone, he thought.
He wished he had appreciated her more when she was alive. He missed the sound of her voice. And he missed her “mkay.”
Why had I not recorded her voice? He thought. If I did, then I could play it back to myself whenever I wanted to.
Wait. He just remembered something. He had her voice on the answering machine. They had recorded it together when she first moved in.
He moved over the machine and pressed “Play recorded message.”
The machine beeped. Then, he heard her voice come on, “You’ve reached Luke and Alyssa’s. Luke is busy making money and Alyssa is busy teaching and caring for children, so please leave a message and we’ll return your call. Thanks.”
It was exactly like something Alyssa would say, thought Luke. The sound of her voice made him smile.
It’s Alyssa, he thought with excitement. It’s really her.
He pressed the “Play recorded message” button again.
She said her little speech.
He smiled.
He pressed it again.
And again.
And another time.
He pressed it until he thought he had broken the button.
He stood back. Her voice was playing again, loud and clear. He wished he could keep it on the background forever.
But, he knew it was artificial. It wasn’t really her.
I have to go back to sleep, he thought. I need to see the real her. I need to hold her in my arms, kiss her soft lips, and smell the fruit fragrance of her hair.
He went back to bed, closed his eyes, but he knew that he could not sleep again. He had just woken up after eight full hours. He had not had that many hours since he started working as an investment banker.
Luke picked up the cherry blossom from his nightstand, and held it close to his heart.
He lay there for a good hour, while knowing that it was hopeless the whole time.
So, he got up and wandered around the apartment. The day was gray and dreary. What could he do today? He racked his brain and came up empty. He usually worked all day and night. And when he was not working, he spent time with Alyssa. He had no hobbies.
Alyssa. Spending time with Alyssa.
Yes, that was what he would do. Now that he had been fired, he could spend all day and night with her. He would try to go back to sleep again. He just had to.
Thinking back to the recorded, artificial voice of Alyssa, he realized that although he could not induce sleep naturally, he could do it artificially.
He went into the bathroom and looked around for sleeping pills. He found a bottle and rattled it. There were pills in there.
He popped open the lid and stuffed some pills into his mouth, then took some water.
Alyssa, here I come, he thought.
He went back into his bedroom and lay down.
He squeezed his eyes shut, wiling his mind to shut off. She had told him to will himself to dream of her again. He would do that. He focused on his energy into seeing his girl in his mind.
For a while, his mind was a cesspool of racing thoughts. Them gradually, the pills kicked in, and he was off.
* * * * *
He dreamt that he was standing on the beach, a quiet contemplative beach. The waves rolled in and out, in and out. It was eerily reminiscent of Qualicum Beach, the only time he had truly been happy.
Then, the waves rushed in and surrounded him, leaving him stranded on a tiny island made of soft sand. It was jutting out a little into the ocean.
A gentle wind caressed his face as he stared into the night. The slight mist blocked his views across the ocean. He saw merely the hypnotic pattern of the waves.
Anxiously, he glanced around. It was just him, the beach and the ocean. No Alyssa.
He tried desperately to remember if there was something he could do to call Alyssa.
"Alyssa!" he yelled into the night. "Where are you?"
What if she were captured by the Wind? What if he never got to see her again?
“Alyssa,” he yelled again.
"Luke," Alyssa's voice said.
It was the most beautiful thing he had ever heard.
He whirled around to the source.
There she was, in the same beautiful white silk evening gown, with a smile on her face. In the moonlight, she resembled a medieval princess whose hand knights would strive to win by going on dangerous quests.
He almost jumped on her as he enveloped her in his embrace.
He inhaled. She smelled like her, a mix of vanilla and peach, of course.
“Where have you been?”
“I can’t come every night, Luke. I told you. It’s too dangerous I’m not even sure I should be here right now.” She eyed the waves suspiciously.
"Is it because of me? I'm sorry, Lissie."
"I told you. It's not. We have to be careful of the Wind."
He held her in his arms. "Am I dreaming of y
ou or are you coming to me?"
"Why does it matter?"
“I mean, are you real or are you just a figment of my imagination?”
“I’m real,” she replied.
“I’m going crazy, Lissie. I can’t tell what’s real and what’s in my dreams."
She caressed his biceps and he could feel the smooth sensation. She was real, alright.
"I am real and love is real. That‘s why I keep coming to you. Love made me stay behind. Sometimes I think love is the only thing that’s real." She slid further into his arms.
He felt the warmth of her body against his as he thought about what she had said. He decided she was right. It was the only thing that was real.
She snuggled deeper into his chest as a cold draft surrounded them. He looked out at the ocean. The mist was gone. In its place was a beautiful darkness. And the waves. Of course. The waves were there too.
The moment was perfect. He knew it was time. He had wanted to do this before she died. Now, he finally had a chance.
He let go of her, and got down on his knees. “Will you marry me?”
He held her hand and looked up at his girl sincerely.
She smiled, and put a hand to her mouth. “Yes, Luke. I will marry you.”
It was dark now, but Luke could see the excitement in her eyes.
He realized it was time to put the ring on her finger, but then he discovered he had no ring.
“Don’t worry about the ring,” she said. “I don’t need that to know you love me.”
He grabbed her and kissed her hard, kissed her as though it was the last time he would ever kiss her. He had forgotten how good it felt.
When he pulled back, she was all smiles.
Something colorful in the distance caught his attention. It was a rainbow, but not just any rainbow. This rainbow stretched across the sky, and had not only the usual colors, but variations and mixture of other colors. Blue-green, red-orange, red-purple.
He pointed to it and Alyssa turned around.
“That’s gorgeous,” she said. “It’s our wedding gift.”
He stroked her cheek with one finger. “So where should we go for our honeymoon?”
“I have an idea.” She whistled and Luke saw something descend from the heavens. It was a puffy white cloud, but also a vehicle. It looked like a giant marshmallow. Luke peered inside and saw it had enough room for two.
Hiding In His Dreams Page 10