Prison Ramen
Page 2
I was trying to distract myself with thoughts of good food. With items from the commissary and a little help from a “stinger,” a makeshift prison heating device using metal plates and electrical wires, I cooked up this surprisingly delicious meal. Unfortunately, it tastes all the better when you know you won’t be eating any homemade meals for a very long time.
Hot Chili Corn Chip Pie
Ingredients
1 pack beef flavor Ramen
1 cup boiling water
1 pouch (9 ounces) or about 1 cup cooked chili beans in hot sauce
1 summer sausage (about 9 ounces), chopped
2 handfuls of corn chips (I find chili-cheese corn chips add optimal flavor.)
Note: Any sausage will do, but summer sausage doesn’t need refrigeration.
1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a bowl. Set aside the seasoning packet.
2. Add the water, cover, and let sit for 8 minutes.
3. Meanwhile, combine the beans and sausage in a microwavable bowl. Add the seasoning and stir. Cover and microwave for 2 to 3 minutes, until warm.
4. Combine the beans and sausage with the Ramen.
5. Add the corn chips.
Wet Behind the Ears
You can tell a first-timer from a seasoned convict by simply observing the way he does his time. A first-timer facing a multiyear sentence will do everything possible to keep communications with the streets alive; a convict facing decades will start cutting all ties. A first-timer will become a phone monster; a convict may get on the phone to make a call on a special holiday or simply send a card. A first-timer will stand and wait by his cell door when he hears the CO passing out mail, and if the CO happens to pass the cell without stopping, it’s a sad sight. A convict doesn’t trip on mail; he just keeps his mind where his body is, in prison.
As heavy time starts to pass, the first-timer’s calls don’t get accepted anymore, mail flow starts to slow down, and for some it even stops. Then maybe after a couple of months, sometimes years of this, the famous “Dear John” letter will arrive. Some men can’t deal with this and decide to just end it. That’s why most convicts know that when facing decades, it’s better to cut all ties with the outside world immediately before beginning the long road ahead. Keeping your mind and body in the same place keeps you safe, and sane. It’s the only way to do hard time.
PB&J Ramen
Ingredients
1 pack Ramen (any flavor)
Peanut butter
Strawberry jelly
1. Open the wrapper carefully to avoid breaking the Ramen. Save the seasoning packet for another use. Place the square of dry Ramen on a plate.
2. Spread the peanut butter and jelly on the Ramen as you would on a piece of bread.
State Issue
If you find yourself being arrested with no money in your pocket, you’re going to be screwed once you get to prison. If you don’t have financial support from someone on the outside, you’re doubly screwed. Without money, you can’t get anything from the commissary, and the commissary is a big part of what makes life worth living. If you were indigent when arrested, you get the “state issue,” a collection of crappy supplies—a two-inch toothbrush, toothpaste the size of your pinkie finger that tastes like glue, a body soap that leaves your skin ashy as hell, and a deodorant that burns your pits. If you have long hair, you’ll get a state issue comb. Without money, there’s no way to get better supplies. Everyone gets a state issue breakfast, sack lunch, and dinner. The menu is usually the same food every day of the week. The food at Corcoran had no salt, no pepper, no spices to give it any flavor. Without money, that’s what you’ll eat until you gag.
State Issue Soup
Ingredients
1 pack chili flavor Ramen
1 cup boiling water
1 slice bologna, chopped
2 slices white bread, cut into quarters
½ cup corn chips
1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a bowl. Add the seasoning.
2. Add the water, stir, cover, and let sit for 8 minutes.
3. Add the bologna, bread, and corn chips. Mix well.
Close Call
I was in federal prison and looking forward to enjoying this tamale with some friends during a Lakers–Rockets game. I was sitting in the dayroom with the TV, the tamale cooking about twenty feet from me, when a friend bolted around the corner, tossed a cell phone toward me, and whispered, “HIDE IT!” He was clearly being followed, so I stepped quickly and, without a second thought, buried the very small phone inside the tamale. The second the phone was buried, three correctional officers came in and searched the entire area—but skipped the tamale. I was glad to have saved his cell phone, and in gratitude, he gave me all the calls I wanted.
I used that phone all the time. Being able to call my kids and talk to family and friends whenever I wanted was great—for a while. But I started using the phone every day, sometimes staying on it all night. Before I knew it, I was letting the time do me. I still had a few long years to go, and it was turning my life into a living hell. So I had to let it go. It’s hard-won wisdom to know the difference between something that feels good in the short term but hurts in the long term.
Ramen Tamale
Ingredients
2 packs beef flavor Ramen
1 bag (about 4 ounces) spicy pork skins or rinds
½ cup refried beans
2 bags (1 to 2 ounces each) corn chips
1½ cups boiling water
3 tablespoons squeezable cheese, or more to taste
1. Crush the Ramen in the wrappers. Open the wrappers. Set aside one of the seasoning packets and save the other for another use.
2. Crush the pork skins in the closed bag.
3. Open one end of the bag and add the Ramen, refried beans, corn chips, seasoning, and water. Mix well.
4. Fold the bag in half to secure the tamale. Wrap a towel around the bag to keep the heat in.
5. Let sit for about 30 minutes.
6. Remove the tamale from the bag. Squirt the cheese on top.
System of Identification
When you get to prison you are given an ID with your prison number. When correctional officers want to see what type of inmate they are dealing with, they’ll always ask to see your ID. The ID number always begins with a letter. A is the oldest, all the way through the alphabet, to AA being the newest. You can still see a few old dinosaurs with the A letters, pretty much senior citizens by now. They’ve been in prison over thirty years.
I had a friend, “Richard” from Santa Monica, who was an A. He was a pachuco. A pachuco was a guy who dressed well, went to nightclubs, and lived the high life. Ricky Ricardo from I Love Lucy was a pachuco. When I met him, he’d been down for thirty-three years. He was charged in the murder of a police officer but still claimed his innocence.
We became close friends because we were both from West L.A., and he enjoyed hearing about the Santa Monica pier and how much the city had changed. I would show him recent pictures and we’d share stories. He told me that after twenty-five years in prison, he’d stopped going to his parole board hearings. He said that no matter what, he would never admit to something he did not do. And all they wanted from him was to admit his guilt. He would say, “God knows the truth; he’ll set me free.” After our last conversation, Richard was transferred to a federal medical center. Who knows if Richard is still alive. Either way, I hope he’s free.
Ramen Burger
Ingredients
1 pack beef flavor Ramen
½ cup boiling water
2 hamburger buns or 1 hoagie or hero roll, split open
Mayonnaise
Mustard
Ketchup
Lettuce leaves or shredded lettuce
1 slice onion
2 slices cheese
2
slices tomato
A few hot pickle wheels
1 cooked hamburger patty
Note: The hamburger patty would have been smuggled from the kitchen.
1. Open the Ramen wrapper at one end only. Leave the Ramen inside. Set aside the seasoning packet.
2. Hold the open wrapper edge with one hand. With the other, pour the water into the wrapper. Seal with both hands for about a minute.
3. Drain off excess water, leaving only the cooked square of Ramen in the bag.
4. Place the open buns side by side on a plate. Spread the bun halves with mayonnaise, mustard, and ketchup, and top with the lettuce, onion, cheese, tomato, and pickles.
5. Place the hamburger patty in the middle. Place the Ramen square on top.
6. Sprinkle a little of the seasoning on top of the Ramen square. Close up the sandwich.
Instant Karma
by Neil Brown Jr.
I was out late in L.A., on my way to see someone my lady would not have approved of, if you know what I mean. At 1:00 a.m., I was pulled over by a police car. The officers pulled me out of my car. “Turn around and put your hands behind your back. You have an outstanding warrant.” An outstanding warrant? They hadn’t even run my damn ID! I wanted to freak out, but deep down I was starting to feel like something else was up. I didn’t have any warrants; there was nothing they could possibly find. Why the hell am I here?
The officer cuffed me and threw me into the police car. They searched my car, coming up with nothing and clearly getting frustrated. Then another car pulled up. I was bracing myself for the worst. Instead, the officer grabbed my wallet and ran my ID. Then he came over and opened the car door, took the cuffs off, looked me in the eye, and said, “Thank you for your time. Stay out of trouble.” That was it. He never told me why I was detained, and the so-called warrant evaporated. They all gave me a look that said, “You need to go home now.”
In all, I was detained for nearly two hours. Yes, I was innocent of law-breaking, but now it was too late to step out on my lady as I had been planning to do. I believe it was instant karma, that’s why I didn’t make a fuss. I kept thinking, I’m sorry baby. I’ll never do this again! I love you!
Neil Brown Jr. is an actor who has appeared in many movies and TV series, including the action film Battle: Los Angeles, the new independent sketch comedy King Bachelor’s Pad, and the recent release Straight Outta Compton: The Story of N.W.A.
Ramen Instant Karma
Ingredients
1 pack of chili flavor Ramen
1 cup boiling water
2 tablespoons mayonnaise
2 beef sticks (such as Slim Jim), chopped into bite-size pieces
¼ cup chopped chives
Hot sauce
1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a bowl. Set aside the seasoning packet.
2. Add the water, cover, and let sit for about 8 minutes
3. Drain off excess water.
4. Add the seasoning and mix well.
5. Add the mayonnaise, Slim Jims, and chives. Mix well.
6. Add the hot sauce to taste.
The Killer Green Thumb
Doing time through the years, I “visited” some of the worst prison yards in California. But every once in a while, something good would show itself. One of the things I treasured while serving time at the California Men’s Colony in San Luis Obispo was sharing an herb garden with some of the homies. Most of the seeds we planted came from our families. Some came from the correctional officers themselves. Man, we grew some of the tastiest vegetables in prison.
The garden belonged to the West L.A. homies. Pretty soon other guys caught on and made their own gardens. We even shared seeds and bragged about our crops to each other. We used these homegrown vegetables to make our meals that much closer to home cooking. It all ended on the day someone took tomato plant leaves to make a toxic tea, poisoning another inmate. It was tough to watch officers pulling out our crops.
Sweet Crunchy Salad
Ingredients
2 packs chili flavor Ramen
1 cup water
½ can (12-ounce can) Coca-Cola
1 packet Sweet’N Low
Pinch of garlic powder
½ cup pork skins or rinds
2 tablespoons honey
1 tablespoon butter
1 tablespoon strawberry jelly
1 tablespoon soy sauce
1 tablespoon chili garlic sauce
1 cup packaged salad mix (carrots and cabbage with lettuce works well)
1. Crush the Ramen in the wrappers and empty into a large microwavable bowl. Add the seasoning.
2. Add the water, Coke, Sweet’N Low, garlic powder, pork skins, honey, and butter. Mix well. Cover and microwave for 5 minutes, until the Ramen is soft.
3. Combine the jelly, soy sauce, and chili garlic sauce in a separate large microwavable bowl. Cover and microwave for 3 minutes, until bubbling.
4. Add the Ramen mixture and the salad to the sauce. Mix well.
Breaking Bread
by Danny Trejo
My fondest memories—if you can call them that—of being incarcerated were the weekends. We’d get a bunch of guys together and lay out a spread. Just breaking bread with friends. We’d get whatever we could scrape up—Ramen, chili, popcorn, even hard-boiled eggs. It was like a potluck or picnic, but prison style.
The weekend spreads helped soothe the disappointment of not getting a visit. No matter how tough you look, when it’s visiting day and you know you’re not getting one, it’s hard. You think about all the people who would have visited you if you weren’t a three-time loser. Back when I was in juvenile hall, my mom, dad, sister, brother, and everybody would come visit me. When I hit Youth Authority, visits got thinner. In the pen, my mom was the only one who wrote to me.
The weekend spreads helped me think That’s not important, this is important. My friends, my camaradas, were important to me. I knew my family wasn’t going to visit, but I’d have a family feeling with my homeboys.
Danny Trejo. Before he became known for playing the anti-hero in dozens of movies and TV series, Danny Trejo was a drug counselor, often helping teenage kids.
Trejo’s Machete Ramen
Ingredients
2 packs chili flavor Ramen
1½ cups boiling water
About 1 cup chopped cooked pork sausage (9 ounces)
1 small bag (2 ounces) Doritos (any flavor)
Tabasco sauce
2 bags (4 ounces each) corn nuts (any flavor)
1 tablespoon mayonnaise
½ onion, chopped
1 tomato, chopped
3 jalapeño chiles, chopped
2 tablespoons squeezable cheese
1. Crush the Ramen in the wrappers and empty into a bowl. Set aside the seasoning packets.
2. Add the water, cover, and let sit for 8 minutes.
3. Drain off excess water.
4. Add the seasoning, sausage, Doritos, Tabasco to taste, corn nuts, mayonnaise, onion, tomato, and jalapeños. Mix well.
5. Add the cheese and mix again.
Send Me a Mail-Out!
In the current federal prison system, you’re not allowed to carry money. All currency is gained by electronic transfers. An inmate’s ID card serves as a debit card. An inmate can purchase items at the commissary or send money home by swiping the ID card. It can also be used for buying stuff from prison-sanctioned mail-order catalogs—clothes, shoes, and sundries that are mailed to you in prison. The money in your account is either sent from someone in the free world, or you earn it doing a job in prison. The legitimate jobs pay from ten cents a day to $150 a month. A lot more money is made by gambling or selling drugs to people in prison.
Sometimes an inmate can rack up some serious debt—hundreds or even thousands of dollars—and
will have to pay through a “mail-out.” This is when the debtor sends the person he owes payment, with help from an outsider, a money order or cashier’s check. Some inmates I’ve known had accounts of more than $100,000. Now there’s a cap on how much money an inmate can have on his books because there was a lot of dirty money washing. An inmate’s associate could send him a cashier’s check or money order from drug sales or some other illegal act and in turn the inmate could send money elsewhere in the form of a clean federal check. The system was used this way for years. It surprised me how long it took the IRS to finally catch on.
Orange Porkies
Ingredients
1 pack Ramen (any flavor)
1 cup boiling water
1 cup cooked white rice
About 3 tablespoons unsweetened orange flavor Kool-Aid
1 bag (about 6 ounces) pork skins or rinds
Note: For spicier flavor, try a dash of hot sauce on top of the porkies.
1. Crush the Ramen in the wrapper and empty into a large bowl. Save the seasoning packet for another use.