Winter Fire

by Laurie Dubay

  He lowered himself again, ignoring my halfhearted effort at control. He grasped my hip and then ran his hand over my waist, sliding his fingers underneath my shirt to touch my skin. The muscles in my stomach jumped and when he laughed softly in my ear, I felt the first real twitch of nerves. His hand glided around to the small of my back and after a moment, he yanked me against him. I froze, my breath quick and shallow.

  “Bren.”

  His fingers dug into my flesh.

  “Wait.” I was trembling. I heard the fear in my own voice and so did he. He stopped moving and let his body relax.

  “You’re shaking,” he said against my neck. “Why didn’t you stop me?”

  “Because I’m scared,” I said.

  He lifted himself up and gave me a confused look. “You didn’t stop me because you’re scared?”

  “I don’t know what’s going to happen,” I said. “I don’t know how much time we have to…”

  “No.” He said. “Nothing between us should happen like that. Not because you’re afraid to lose me.” He wove his fingers into my hair and gave me a fierce look. “Everything’s going to be okay. I’m not going anywhere.”

  I didn’t sleep at all this time. I would wait until I got into my own bed, unwilling to waste my moments with Bren. I watched his face, listened to him breathe, wondered what Loki could do to tear our world apart. Bren was worried that I’d fall asleep at school and walked me back a little early. I didn’t argue, but not because I didn’t know the worth of those last moments with him before the morning came. It was because I did know their value, and I was preparing to gamble.

  Chapter 27

  I snuck back into the suite, padded to my room and changed into a pair of sweatpants and an old t-shirt. Then I slipped on my Converse, put my hair onto a loose ponytail, and grabbed my jacket before slipping back out the door.

  In the lobby, Sydney peered around her book and grinned at me.

  “This is new,” she said. “Usually when you sneak back in it’s for the night. Got two boyfriends now?”

  “No,” I said with a guilty smile. “But thanks for not ratting me out.”

  She turned up a palm. “Hey, I warned you, but I’m not going to mess with your life." Her grin widened. "My house was on a cul-de sac,” she said. “Try climbing out of a second story window at midnight under those conditions. There were at least three dads up gawking at internet porn at any given time, so you were bound to get caught.” She slid back behind her book. I laughed and headed outside.

  It would be dark for a while yet, but the clouds were breaking apart like chunks of ice in a river as they rode the night sky. I crunched across the deck and down the stairs, turning to look out over the black mountain. My gaze climbed far up into the hills, to where Ringsaker lay hidden in a thicket of forest green, then down to the break in the treetops that indicated the bonfire site beneath. The blanket of snow stretching toward it reminded me of the night Bren walked me home. The night he had found me on the trail and held me while soft flakes drifted around us. I turned further and stared at the first row of condos, the end unit the only one visible from where I stood. It was number 209. I needed 217.

  I urged myself forward and cleared my mind, thought of nothing that could deter me as I crossed the clearing. My footsteps slowed when I rounded the corner of 209. The main hotel and lodge were now obscured, but I kept moving. 217 was the last condo in the row. I stood at the bottom of the wooden steps for a moment, stared at the black numbers on the door, then braced my hand on the rail and climbed. I stopped squarely on the rough door mat.

  I paused, my fist in the air, then tapped on the door three times. There was no time for my fear to build. Instead, it exploded in my body as the door eased open and dark eyes met mine.

  I staggered back a step and caught myself, taking him in. He was shirtless, white lounging pants cinched just below his hipbones and long enough to cover most of his bare feet. His hair was pushed back in shaggy tufts, the finger grooves still fresh, and his eyes were already changing from black to a cool, wet blue. He stared at me for a moment, then stepped back against the open door and waited.

  I gazed into the darkness behind him, suddenly sure I had made a mistake, trying to remember what I had been thinking as I lay on Bren’s chest concocting this madness.

  Finally, his voice soft, he said, “If you’re so afraid, then why did you come?”

  I opened my mouth. No sound came and I tried again. “I…wanted to talk to you.”

  He pressed his shoulder against the door and slipped a hand into his pocket. “I’m not going to stand on this threshold for long, Jenna. Either come in or don’t.”

  I agonized, reminding myself of what was at stake. I peered into the gloom again. “Can you at least turn on some lights?”

  He stared. “What do you need to see?” But he pushed himself off the door and strolled back into the darkness. I saw his silhouette reach toward a wall and a moment later a warm glow radiated in all directions. It was the light over the dining room table, and although it was dimmed, I could make out the layout of the place. A kitchen to the right with the dining room beyond the breakfast bar. A living room beyond that. To the left, a bathroom, and a staircase that I assumed led up to the bedrooms. The entire condo was done in neutral tones…beige carpet, tan furniture, light blue walls…Loki looked strange standing in the middle of it, like a diamond ring lost in a sandbox.

  He spread his arms in that way he had, waiting. I stepped over the threshold, pulled my hands from my coat pockets, and nearly hit the ceiling as the door closed behind me. My heart pounded.

  “My bad,” he said. “I forget. You people like to do everything manually.”

  “We don’t have a choice,” I said, using the small talk to smooth out my voice.

  “So they say.”

  Behind him, Fenrir rose from the floor in the living room, his golden eyes glistening in the low light. I was stricken again by his size, my heart tripping as he trotted toward me. Like the last time I met him, he leaned against my legs and I braced myself so that I could stroke his insistent muzzle. Now, the image of him swallowing a god whole flashed through my mind. Fenrir lifted his eyes in question, as though he had felt my tension. He licked my hand and then pushed his head underneath it. I resumed scratching his ears. Whatever his history, he did not seem to be hungry now.

  Loki huffed and shook his head as he stared down at Fenrir. Then he turned and walked into the living room, the lean muscles of his back flexing as he motioned to the loveseat against the wall. He watched me creep forward, Fenrir sidling me and peering up into my face, and smirked bitterly as I stepped in a wide arc around him and lowered myself on the edge of a cushion. Fenrir dropped to the carpet and rested his chin on my sneaker. Loki took the adjacent couch and reclined into the pillows, his hands laced across his stomach. He stared at me and let the minutes spin out between us.

  “Did I wake you up?” I asked.

  “No.”

  Another minute passed.

  “Did you know I was coming?”

  He flipped his palms and then laced his hands together again. “Why waste time tapping into you when you’re supposed to be asleep? Although your dreams may be interesting.”

  Not to you, I thought.

  “Why not?” He said. “Only room for Bren in there?”

  “Can you not do that?” I folded my arms and sat back against the cushions.

  He leaned forward and clasped his hands between his knees. “You came to me. Not the other way around. Unlike your boyfriend, I don’t feel some humane duty to respect your privacy. I’ll do what I have to do.”

  “You know I’m no threat to you,” I said, desperate to keep the exchange calm.

  He smiled and stared at me for a long time before he spoke.

  “What do you want, Jenna?”

  “I want to know why you’re doing this.”

  “You know why.”

  “I don’t. I mean, I know you’re here for Bren
, for all of them. I know Thor helped you escape from…wherever.” His eyes darkened and I hurried on. “But what’s in it for you? If the cycle continues, won’t you just end up, you know, in the same…predicament?”

  Hoping my words would settle in him, I looked down and stroked the soft fur on Fenrir’s back. Loki watched me for a while.

  “My…predicament, did you call it? Has nothing to do with the battle. It’s a detail. It can be altered.”

  I looked up at him. “So that’s what happened? You made a deal with Thor that if you brought them back, you’d be free?” I scratched at my arm. “Even after you… even after all the things you’ve done?”

  “That’s the catch.” He gave me a cynical smile. “Unlike your politicians, the gods have a vague sense of justice. I would still have to live – elsewhere – until the battle commences.”

  “Elsewhere.”

  “Hel. One L. Not where you’re thinking of, but not far off. Only the elite of Asgard get to retire there.” He reclined again and slung one arm over the back of the sofa. “The monstrous, the criminal, and those emo few who are fringe enough to die of disease or natural cause rather than in battle.”

  I drew back and raised a brow. “You get banished to this place for dying naturally? Forever?”

  “You can check out any time you like,” he said, “but you can never leave. Hotel California. The Eagles. Before your time, I’d imagine.”

  “I know the song,” I said testily, though I only vaguely recalled it.

  He touched his fist to his head in apology and let it drop. Then he fixed his eyes on mine. I stared at his irises, alive now with a red flicker. “There are bloody scratches on the walls of Hel,” he whispered. “But there are no doors.”

  Scarlet flared around his pupils, the fiery rings of a twin eclipse. I felt suffering, death, saw the faces of tortured strangers and wanted to look away, but I was trapped. My stomach lurched with disgust, then panic, and finally a hopeless grief that twisted miserably inside me. For a moment, I couldn’t remember who held me here, in this sadness. And then it was pulling back, the black hole shrinking, the world filling in around me once again. I gasped like I had been drowning, and clutched at the arm of the loveseat. Fenrir stood at my knee, his massive head turned toward Loki, a low growl issuing from deep in his throat.

  “Yes,” Loki said, nodding, his eyes sharp on mine. “Hel is unkind. But it's a day at the beach compared to where I’ve been. Do you like the beach, Jenna?”

  I pushed my hand into Fenrir’s fur and waited a long time to catch my breath. If Loki carried inside of him what I had just seen and felt, then he was more than an outlaw. He was crazy.

  “I came here to see if there was some other way,” I said, my voice trembling. “This deal you made with Thor, it can’t possibly be the best you can do.”

  “What do you suggest?” He asked. “That I get a good lawyer? Blame my upbringing? Plead for rehab?” He cocked his head to the side, his voice filling with mock remorse. “I didn’t mean to kill and torture all those gods. It’s just that…well…my parents were so hard on me, and I have low self esteem.”

  I shook my head. “How can you joke about this? About what’s going to happen to you?”

  He sighed, propped his head against his hand. “Most horror is funny. Haven’t you noticed?”

  “Can’t you stay here?” It was the question I had come to ask. The only idea I had to keep him from doing whatever it was he planned to do. I wondered if anyone from Asgard would come after him, if there would be any reason to, if Bren and the others were still here.

  “Of course they would.” He said. “Do you think they’d just let me roam around here, causing mayhem?” He raised his eyebrows twice and smiled. “I love that word. Mayhem. It’s origins are from the Old Norse word for injure, and the Old High German for crazy. Did you know that?”

  “No. What if you just…you know…lived here. Peacefully. Without causing any trouble. Would they come after you if you didn’t do anything wrong?”

  He lifted his head and leaned forward until he was just a few inches from me. I squashed the urge to pull back. Tufts of Fenrir’s fur sprung out from between my fingers as I clenched and unclenched my hand. A hint of a smile remained on Loki’s lips, but his eyes were hard.

  “I have already ‘done things wrong.’ I would be a fugitive. A wanted criminal. I escape only at the destruction, to fight in the battle.” He grinned. “For the other side of course. But this makes no difference to the elders. All must play their role, and they would drag me back in an instant.” He gestured toward me. “Unlike your friends, I don’t have an oath circle to protect me.”

  I thought of what Bren had said, that in Asgard, he and his family were no better than criminals. I wondered if there was any way they would consider harboring Loki, letting him into their circle, if it meant that they could all stay.

  Loki’s eyes were still fixed on mine. “You’re crazier than I am,” he said.

  “There’s got to be a way.” I said, straightening up. “I could ask them. I'd talk to Frieda first and if she -”

  He grabbed my arms and glared down into my face. I heard Fenrir growl but it was far away, beyond the fear that had suddenly closed around me.

  “I am not some misunderstood soul for you to pity and try to save,” he said in a wicked hiss. My heart pounded hard enough to shake my body and my arms throbbed under his hands. His hair had fallen into his face. His irises were crimson now, the color of blood. He stared into me for a moment, searching, then pushed me away from him and sat back again. "Go Jenna," he said. "I am tired of this game.”

  I didn’t speak or move for a long time. When I thought I could trust my legs, I rose, using Fenrir for support, and looked out the living room windows to see if the dark had paled.

  “Beautiful and strange, In her fragile bravery, Waiting for the light.”

  I turned and glanced down at him. His eyes were the powder blue that would wash over the sky not long from now.

  “Haiku,” he said.

  “I know.” I said. “The author?”

  “Anonymous.” He said the words deliberately, the same way he had said ‘Alaskan Malamute’ the night I’d met him.

  I turned back to the window. I had worn my pajamas in case my mother was up when I got home. If so, I would tell her I wanted to have my coffee on the deck, as I had done every morning of winter vacation, before the world had spun off its axis.

  “She’s still asleep.” Loki said. “But you are already caught.”

  I felt the blood drain from my face.

  “Skye is listening,” he said.

  I had known it was a possibility, and had taken the chance anyway. It could have been worse. “To me or to you?”

  He lifted his chin at me. I knew Bren wasn’t in on it, because he’d have been here already.

  “I’ve been blocking him,” Loki said. We stared at each other, the question hanging in the air between us.

  “She’ll tell him,” he said.

  I sighed and let my shoulders drop. It was not how I had wanted things to go, but I had known the risks. As I stood there, I realized I was more afraid of Bren’s anger than I was of Loki. Gazing into Loki’s eyes, I had felt a despair that I could never have imagined, and his iron grip as he glared down into my face was more terrifying than anything I had ever felt, but the thought of not gazing into Bren’s eyes, of not feeling his arms around me, was much worse.

  Loki’s laugh was a whisper. He shook his head and looked away as I let myself out into the cold, dark morning.

  Chapter 28

  I chewed my pencils all day at school, scrolling them between my teeth as the yellow paint sunk and chipped. I brooded at lunch, answering whatever Dillon and Lauren said to me with a smile or a grumble that could have meant yes or no. They asked me if I was going to ride with them during ski club and I shrugged and shook my head, then nodded, thinking I could decide after I saw Bren and my head was clear again. I was quiet in the c
ar when my mother picked me up. She asked if I was alright. I mumbled an umm-hmm and she left me alone until we pulled into her space at the hotel. Then she asked if Bren and I had had a fight.

  “No,” I said. “I’m just tired.”

  “Ski club tonight?” She smiled, her eyebrows raised high on her forehead.

  I nodded.

  “You can go up with your friends now,” she said. “That’ll be fun.”

  “Yeah,” I said animating my voice. “We’ll see.” I shoved open the door before she could say anything else. She needed to go back up to the suite for her salad, so I went to change into my snow pants and boarding boots in case I wanted to ride later. Since Loki had found me inside, I didn’t see any reason to be relegated to the indoors, and ski club would be a chance to get out. I would be safer with a group anyway, especially if Bren was working on the mountain.

  I walked through the hotel to the reception area, full of jitters as I pulled out my phone to text Bren. I typed ‘home’ and hit send, then glanced out at the deck. I froze. Bren stood against the far rail, his head lowered so that he glowered at me from beneath his brow. One hand was shoved deep in the pocket of his jacket, the other holding his phone so that I could see that he had gotten my message. My body went weak with nerves. I dropped my backpack at my feet and slipped my phone back into my jacket. Then, sucking in a deep, shaky breath, I went to the door and pushed it open, wincing against the sunlight. I stopped for a moment, regarded him again hoping he would look less angry, then propelled myself forward. I stopped a few feet away from him.

  His jaw was clenched, his eyes harsh on mine.

  “My break is in an hour,” he said in a level tone. “I will meet you in the lodge.” Without waiting for an answer, he turned and stalked from the deck.

  My mother eyed me from the office doorway when I came back in, but I scooped up my backpack and cut her off when she opened her mouth to speak.