Turn It Loose

by Danielle, Britni

  She stopped walking and focused on keeping tears from flooding her eyes. For the past month she struggled to repress her emotions, but they came tumbling out, threatening to ruin her good time.

  “I’m sorry,” she said, looking up at him. “I must sound like such a madwoman.”

  Johnny still hadn’t uttered a word since she launched into her rant. She wondered if she’d scared him off with her blathering. If so, she’d add TURNING JOHNNY OFF to her list of mounting defeats.

  “Look, I can just catch a cab,” she said, offering him a way out. “I’m sure I can find one down—“

  Johnny put a finger to her lips, shushing her midsentence. He caressed her face with his large hand and wiped away an escaped tear.

  “It’s ok,” he assured her before kissing her on the forehead. “I know how you feel.”

  Jaylah did not utter a word; she waited.

  She wanted him to kiss her, to part her lips and let his tongue play in her mouth. She wanted to feel his weight crushing down on her as she struggled to hold back her pleasure. She could picture it so vividly, the thought almost made her knees give out.

  She held her breath and waited.

  Johnny grabbed her hand and held it to his lips. He kissed her palm, then clutched it as he led her to his car. They walked in silence, her hand in his. Not talking, and just barely touching.

  Jaylah struggled to make sense of his restraint. She thought he wanted to taste her lips, figured he was close when they were pressed together, but he’d chosen her forehead instead. His decision made her doubt herself. Was she imagining his attraction? Was he just taking pity on her because he thought she was on the verge of a breakdown? A torrent of questions ran through her mind as they walked. She couldn’t figure him out and it vexed her.

  Johnny’s car alarm chirped, snapping Jaylah back to reality. He opened her door and waited for her to get in before closing it. She stared out the window, trying to keep disappointment from overtaking her.

  “Highbury, right?” he asked, looking over at her.

  “Yes,” she said, refusing to return his glance. “Highbury Square. On Avenell Road.”

  He flicked on the radio, finally filling the gap between them. Whatever heat they created on the dance floor was surely stamped out by her big mouth, Jaylah figured. She took out her phone to text Jourdan.

  “OMW home. Night turned out to be a total bust. Will explain in the morning. xx”

  * * *

  Johnny pulled up in front of Jaylah’s building, and before he could put the car in park, she was almost out the door.

  “Thank you for the ride,” she said, still unable to look at him. “I really appreciate it.”

  “Wait,” he said, grabbing her hand. “I got fired from my first job out of university. It was this grueling position at an investment firm. Real gladiator school. We’d have to stay up for days to trade on the world markets and I couldn’t hack it.”

  “I could hack it,” she said defensively.

  “I hated that job. I hated the workload and the ass kissing and the insane hours, but I stayed on. All my friends went out on weekends, played football, and went to parties, but I was always at work,” he shook his head. “And my dad, God, he was so proud. He would brag to all his friends. It made me feel good for a while, but I started to resent it. I felt trapped, you know?”

  Jaylah nodded, finally turning to face him.

  “And when I got fired, the worst thing in the world was telling my father. He said I was disgrace, called me lazy, stupid, said I messed up my life and I brought shame on our family. Ghanaians are so dramatic at times,” he said with a meager smile. “ I vowed then that I would never be in that position again. No one else would control my future but me.”

  He rubbed her hand. “So I get it. I know it sucks. But if you had the courage to pick up and move here, you’ve got heart. You’ll bounce back.”

  More silence elapsed between them. Jaylah turned his words over in her head. You’ve Got Heart. Maybe too much of it, she said to herself.

  Johnny’s vulnerability pierced her. The men she’d dated back home rarely wanted to discuss anything beyond dinner plans, basketball scores, or when they were getting back into her bed. But here he was, laying pieces of himself bare. His honesty made her crave him even more. Jaylah figured she had two options: get out of the car and never see him again, or risk falling for a man she just met and couldn’t quite figure out.

  “Thank you,” she said, choosing the safer route. “For everything.”

  She opened the door, but he stopped her. “Wait,” he said again, this time leaning in for a kiss.

  He was gentle; Johnny stroked Jaylah’s face like she was one of the priceless treasures in the National Gallery. She cupped his head and pulled him closer, trying to will him to follow her inside. She parted his lips with her tongue and allowed her hand to drop into his lap. He kissed her harder as the bulge in his pants began to swell.

  She gently bit his bottom lip before diving in for another passionate kiss. She could already picture running her tongue over every inch of his body, and it excited her.

  Johnny’s hands moved to her neck then grazed the top of her breasts. He planted kisses from her cheek to her shoulders, causing her to let out a faint moan.

  “Want to come inside?”

  “I…I can’t,” he said, pulling back.

  She leaned across the car and kissed him again. A dare. “You sure?”

  “I have an early meeting, and—“

  She felt deflated. Again. “I see,” she said, opening the door.

  “I really do have a meeting, Jaylah. This isn’t a brush off,” he explained. “I’d like to see you again if that’s ok.”

  “Sure.” She fished through her purse to find a scrap of paper, tore off a piece of her journal, and scribbled her number. “Call me.”

  Before they could say anything else to muck up the moment, Jaylah got out of the car and shut the door.

  Johnny watched as she hurried inside her building, and she was glad he couldn’t see her face. If he had, he would see she was crushed.

  After their ambiguous night, Jaylah didn’t know if he would actually call, but everything inside her prayed he would.

  * * *

  Jaylah scoured her flat, cleaning every inch of it for the first time since she moved in. She dusted the furniture in the living room, washed the cups and bowls she’d piled up in the mornings, threw her clothes in the washer, and scrubbed the bathroom.

  Conflicting emotions surged through her veins as she replayed the events of the previous night. Dinner with Jourdan was fantastic as usual. The pair stuffed themselves with too much food and wine and laughed like women who’d known each other since they were little girls. Although she was hesitant, Jaylah had to admit her friend’s idea to go dancing was a great one. The DJ worked his magic and she fed off the crowd’s energy.

  Jaylah felt an overwhelming sense of joy on the dance floor with Jourdan and was thankful for her friend. She wondered where she’d be without her new sister, probably miserable and calling her parents for a loan. Jourdan looked out for her in ways she could have never imagined possible, and if wasn’t for her Jaylah wouldn’t have a gig, a social life, or met Johnny.

  She sighed at the thought of him, remembering the way his soft lips felt against her skin. Longing crept through her body; she had to see him again.

  Jaylah wondered if he would call her after the way she acted. The tears, the near breakdown, the kissing.

  “What were you even thinking?” she asked herself as she swept the floor.

  She got caught up in the moment. For a brief second, she thought she’d be like Nina in Love Jones and ask Johnny in for a “chat” that would lead to a serious bout of lovemaking. After the way they carried on in the car, how could he resist her invitation? The way he touched her had to mean he wanted more, right?

  Clearly, she was wrong.

  Even though he said it wasn’t a brush off, he bolted, a
nd she felt rejected and confused.

  This was all new to her; Jaylah was never a seductress back home. Not even close. Sleeping with Faraj had been an aberration; she was drunk and feeling bold, and let herself give in to her desire. But Johnny made her feel something else entirely. She wanted to get to know him. Wanted to hear the stories of his life and be a part of it. Wanted to be his friend, his lover, and his woman, his…everything.

  “Don’t be stupid, Jaylah. You just met this man,” she scolded herself as she straightened up her bedroom. “This doesn’t even make any sense.”

  Jaylah found a slip of paper and wrote LET IT GO in big, bold letters. She taped the note to the wall above her computer as a reminder to put Johnny out of her mind.

  * * *

  Summer had officially arrived in London, giving everyone a break from the perpetually gloomy skies that seem to hang over the city, even in July. Stripped-down Britons crowded onto café patios sipping cocktails and stout, hungry to soak up as much sun as possible before it went darting off again.

  Even Jaylah was excited for the sudden heat wave, happy to finally wear her favorite floral miniskirt without tights or leggings. She strolled down Mandeville Place on her way to meet Jourdan at the Tapa Room for brunch.

  Seven weeks, she counted down in her head. Seven weeks to do whatever the hell I want, she thought.

  Her time in London was quickly careening down the highway and Jaylah wished she could jam on the breaks. She wasn’t ready to go back to L.A. and fall back into her role as Ms. Goody Goody just yet. Actually, she never wanted to be that person ever again.

  When she skipped across the Pond she had literally been reborn.

  Jaylah loved setting her own rules and playing the game however she felt it should go. She enjoyed living adjacent to the edge, but never quite teetering over. For the first time, she didn’t feel beholden to live up to anyone’s expectations but her own.

  She finally felt free, and she wanted to hold onto it for as long as possible.

  Jaylah walked into the Tapa Room and spotted Jourdan right away.

  “Hey girly,” she said, kissing her on the cheek. “Been here long?”

  “No, I just sat down. I’m surprised I didn’t have to wait forever, it’s usually slammed on the weekends.”

  “Remind me to steal your dress,” Jaylah said, grabbing a menu. “What’s good here?”

  “Everything! I think I’m getting the Turkish eggs. Feel like heading to Oxford Circus after? I want to look ‘round.”

  “Sure, I don’t have anything else planned today.”

  “No date with what’s his name?”

  “We aren’t talking about him,” Jaylah said, changing the subject. “Want to see a movie tonight?”

  “You never explained what happened. Was he a nutter?”

  “No, I…messed it up,” she said.

  Jourdan waited for an explanation.

  “Well, on the way to his car, he asked me if I was in London because of a bad break up. At first I played along, but then I decided to tell him the truth.”

  “Ok, and?”

  “And I kinda started to cry.”

  Jourdan’s eyes got wide. “On the street?”

  “I know, straight crazy woman style,” she shook her head. “I was telling him about getting fired and…it just poured out.”

  “So he got freaked out?”

  “I thought so. I mean, wouldn’t you?”

  Jourdan nodded in agreement.

  “Anyway, he drove me home and I was so embarrassed. I was about to run out of the car when he kissed me.”

  “No!” Jourdan gasped. “Seriously?”

  “Yes! And his lips—” Jaylah had a flashback. “We made out like a pair of high schoolers.”

  “I don’t get it. What’s the problem then?”

  “Let me finish,” Jaylah snapped. “We were kissing and I asked him if he wanted to come inside, you know, to continue the evening...”

  “And?”

  “And he said no.”

  “What?!”

  “He said he had an early meeting and couldn’t come in. Then he claimed he wanted to see me again, so I gave him my number and damn near ran inside. The end.”

  “So he hasn’t called?”

  “Would we be having this conversation if he had?”

  “Right. Well, maybe he really did have a meeting. He was dressed like a barrister or something.”

  “Come on, Jourdan. What man is going to turn down an invitation to a woman’s apartment after making out with her in his car?”

  “Hmmm. Guys in London can be a bit dense at times. He might still call,” she said, trying to be optimistic.

  “I doubt it, but here’s the thing—I really hope he does.”

  Jourdan patted her friend’s hand. “Me too. Maybe his handsome ass can convince you to stay.”

  Six

  “Hey, it’s Johnny,” he said. His accented baritone caused Jaylah to momentarily lose her voice. It had been six days since she met him and they made out in in the front seat of his sleek Mercedes. Six days since he said he wanted to see her again, but never called. Six days since she’d try to exorcise him from her memory and failed miserably.

  Six.

  For the past week she’d sulked around the city kicking herself for thinking about him. In the queue at Tesco. Riding the Piccadilly Tube. Ordering lunch at the deli. Johnny invaded her thoughts like an unwelcomed guest making himself at home. She tried her best to evict him, but he just wouldn’t leave.

  He broke the silence. “Hello?”

  “Oh….hey,” she said, finding her voice. “I didn’t expect to hear from you. I figured you lost my number.”

  “Sorry, it’s just…been really crazy at work. I’ve been pulling back-to-back late nights and—”

  “Careful. Next you’ll tell me you’re tired of sucking up to the boss,” she teased, a nod to their first conversation.

  Johnny chuckled, “Well this time I don’t have to worry about getting sacked; I’m in charge.”

  “Must be nice.”

  “Actually, that’s why I called.”

  “Need brownnosing tips?” she quipped.

  “No. I’ve been meaning to reach out, but just got so caught up—”

  Jaylah rolled her eyes. She subscribed to the He’s Just Not Into You School of Dating that said if a man wanted to see you, he would see you. Busy schedules be damned. “Umm hmm,” she groaned.

  “My afternoon meeting was canceled, and I wanted to see if you’re free. Perhaps we can meet for a late lunch if you haven’t eaten yet?”

  Jaylah’s stomach raced to her throat. “I see,” she said, trying to keep the excitement out of her voice.

  “Or are you busy? I know I’m taking a chance here, but this is literally the first opening I’ve had since we met.”

  She checked the clock. “I’ll meet you on one condition,” she said, trying to sound cool.

  “What’s that?”

  “We ride the London Eye. It’s beautiful out today and I’ve been wanting to ride it.”

  “I kind of make it a point not to ride gigantic glass bubbles over rivers.”

  “You’re not afraid of heights are you?”

  “Not exactly. I’ve just been avoiding that thing since it was built.”

  “Well, take it or leave it,” she pressed.

  “You sure you’re a writer and not a businesswoman? You drive a hard bargain,” he said, chuckling. “You’ve got yourself a deal.”

  “Great! Meet me by the ticket booth in an hour.”

  * * *

  Jaylah walked along the South Bank trying to get her nerves in check. After tearing through her closet and deciding on the fuchsia romper that showed a generous amount of thigh, she paced up and down the aisle of the train for the entire 20-minute ride. She hadn’t been this nervous to see a man since she was 16 and Patrick Dumas took her to the movies for her very first date. That night Jaylah was so shook up she spilled her soda in hi
s lap, bringing the whole thing to an abrupt halt. She hoped today would fair much better.

  As soon as she passed the massive Ferris wheel she saw him waiting for her. He was wearing a crisp white shirt that was unbuttoned at the neck and rolled up to his elbows. She resisted the urge to call out his name; instead, she took a deep breath and slowly exhaled, hoping to release the knot growing in her belly.

  “Hey there,” she said, tapping Johnny on his muscled arm. “I hope you weren’t waiting long.”

  “No, not at all,” he said, his face spreading into a wide grin. “Glad you could make it.”

  They stared at each other for a minute trying to figure out if they should hug or trade polite kisses.

  “I guess we should head inside and get the tickets,” she said, slicing into the awkwardness.

  Johnny patted his shirt pocket. “Already have them.”

  “How much do I owe you?” she asked, fishing through her purse for cash.

  “Nothing at all. It’s on me.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Of course. Consider it my charity for the week.”

  “Your charity?”

  “You know, helping the needy? You’re unemployed remember?” he said, teasing her.

  “Shut up!” She gave him a playful shove. “I’m nobody’s charity case, thank you very much.”

  The line for the London Eye was overflowing with tourists on summer holiday. As they made their way to the front of the queue, Jaylah dreaded having to share the capsule with so many others; she wished she and Johnny could float above the city alone.

  “Did you see how many people they put in one car?” she whispered to him, “At this rate, we’ll have to jockey for position just to see anything.”

  When it was almost their turn to board, Johnny excused himself to talk to one of the workers. Jaylah couldn’t hear their conversation, but it seemed cordial. The pair traded handshakes and smiles, and when she and Johnny got to the front of the line, the man helped them into the car and closed the door.