Turn It Loose

by Danielle, Britni

  “Baby take the test,” he said, snapping her back to reality. “Please?”

  How could she say no?

  * * *

  Three minutes—a mere one hundred and eighty seconds—was all she had before she knew if her life would change forever. Against his protests, Jaylah locked herself in the bedroom and refused to let Johnny in; she wanted to find out on her own.

  The whole thing seemed totally unreal. Had she heard this very story about someone else’s life she wouldn’t have believed it. In a matter of just three months Jaylah had been fired, fled to London, stumbled into her dream job, fell in love, and was now clutching a pregnancy test in her sweaty palms hoping it came up negative.

  It reeked of over-the-top, Movie of the Week drama, but this was her life.

  “How the fuck did I get here?” she wondered aloud.

  If Mrs. Baldwin could see her baby girl now she’s be so disappointed, Jaylah thought. Even at 28 her mother’s opinion mattered, and she cringed at the thought of coming home knocked up and alone.

  “And by a married man?” Jaylah sucked her teeth and prayed a minus signed appeared.

  “You ok in there?” Johnny said, knocking on the door. “Can I come in?”

  Jaylah ignored his request and continued to stare at the timer on her phone. She counted down the seconds and ran through the memories she’d accumulated in the city. Running into Jourdan at the Pret; meeting Faraj at Queen of Hoxton; filing her first article for Glamour; meeting Johnny at the Mau Mau Bar; riding the London Eye with Johnny; seeing Fela! with Johnny; making love to Johnny…

  “Johnny, Johnny Johnny—what the fuck, Jaylah?” she chided herself. “Your life is so much more than him. Get a fucking grip!”

  The phone buzzed; it was time.

  Jaylah’s hands shook as she stared at the stick trying to make out the results. She grabbed the box to reread the directions—just to be sure.

  “Plus sign for positive; minus sign for negative” she said, checking the tiny test one more time.

  “This can’t be right.” She blinked, unable to move while her world tumbled down around her.

  Jaylah covered her mouth and sobbed, she didn’t want Johnny busting through the door to save her. Not now. Not ever. She wept for her dreams, for the carefree life she was supposed to have, and for him.

  She shoved the test in her pocket and tried to regain her composure before facing Johnny. She dabbed her eyes, took several deep breaths, and plastered a smile on her face. When she finally opened the door he leapt to his feet, searching her face for clues.

  “Congratulations,” she said, trying to sound upbeat. “You are not a father!”

  For a nanosecond Jaylah thought she saw disappointment scurry across his face, but she wasn’t certain. “It’s negative?”

  “Yes. Now…I think we’ve had enough excitement for today.”

  “Are you ok?” he asked, taking her hand.

  “I’m fine, but you should go.”

  He hesitated. “Are you sure? We still have a lot to figure out, yeah?”

  “No, I don’t think so. I think we’re done,” she said hurrying him to the door.

  “Done? What does that mean?”

  “It means…have a nice life, Johnny,” she said, closing the door as her eyes filled with tears.

  “Jaylah! Jaylah, please. Open the door,” he begged. “Jaylah, please. Talk to me, baby. Jaylah!”

  She ran back to the bedroom, shut the door, and buried herself under the covers. She didn’t want to hear his pleas, didn’t even want to hear his voice anymore. She couldn’t risk it.

  Jaylah lay in bed bawling; she knew what had to be done.

  Nine

  “For the last time, I can’t have this baby,” Jaylah explained to Jourdan again. They’d been debating her options for the last two weeks and she was sick of having the same argument for what felt like the millionth time, especially on their last evening together.

  “Are you sure this is what you want to do?”

  “What else can I do, Jourdan? I’m carrying a married man’s baby. That’s a no-go.”

  “I’m on your side no matter what, but I would hate for you to do something rash just because you’re upset.”

  Jaylah loved her friend, but her patience was wearing thin. She didn’t understand why Jourdan couldn’t just take her side and be done with it. Why did she feel the need to ask her a never-ending stream of questions just so Jaylah would give her the same answers?

  “I hear you, but I can’t keep it.”

  “Are you going to tell him the truth?”

  “Have you lost your mind? Why would I do that?”

  “It’s his baby too, Jay. What if it changes things between you two? Maybe he’ll leave his wife.”

  “The last thing I want him to do is leave his wife just because I’m pregnant. If he wanted me, that would have been his first move, not his last,” she said, clearing the dishes.

  “I still think you should tell him.”

  “For what? I’m not having it, he’d probably just try to change my mind.”

  “Would that be such a bad thing?”

  “Now I know you’ve had too much to drink,” Jaylah said. “What am I going to do with a baby?”

  “Love it! I can help. It would be fun.”

  “Then you have a baby,” Jaylah snapped, “This isn’t a pet we’re talking about.”

  “I can’t,” Jourdan whispered.

  “You can’t what?”

  “I can’t have a baby. I got pregnant when I was 22 and was going to keep it, but I lost the baby. Doctors found out I had Endometriosis.”

  “I’ve heard of women who had that and still had babies,” Jaylah said, remorseful she yelled at Jourdan.

  “Yes, but it’s an extremely difficult process, and more than likely I won’t ever have a child.”

  “I’m so sorry, Jourdan. I’m being such a bitch.”

  “No, you’re not. I totally get why you feel the way you do, I just think you should reconsider. Either way, I’m here for you.”

  “Thanks, J. I love you,” Jaylah said, hugging her friend. “What am I going to do for a whole month without you?”

  “Certainly not go drinking!” Jourdan said chuckling.

  After Jourdan left, Jaylah surveyed her flat. An overwhelming sense of loneliness rained down upon her as she tidied her place and finished packing for her flight the following evening.

  Her time in London had been a roller coaster of extreme emotions—freedom, ecstasy, heartbreak, confusion, love—she was thankful for the brief reprieve her trip to L.A. would provide. Although her new city had quickly become home, Jaylah could not help being haunted by the memories of Johnny that blanketed London like fresh snow.

  He still called, still tried to coax her out of her cocoon of silence with love-laced messages. He had even tried to convince her to buzz him into her flat, but she held steadfast, sticking to her decision to cut him out of her life and move on.

  What choice did she have? His marriage left her few options. Being totally arse over tit was one thing, but to be strung out over a married man? Totally Unacceptable.

  Jaylah may not have been able to stop her thoughts from breaking free and being consumed with Johnny, but she could keep herself from acting on the crushing urge to see him.

  * * *

  Day 89, my flat

  I’m going home tomorrow and I don’t quite know how to feel. On one hand I’m dreading packing up my place in L.A., the time difference, and 11-hour flight, especially since it seems I’ve been struck with a sudden case of morning sickness. But on the other hand this trip couldn’t have come at a better time.

  My relationship with Johnny is Black History, and soon, this baby will be too.

  I never thought I’d be one of those women who gets pregnant and then heads to the clinic for an abortion, but here I am.

  Does this mean my Goody Two Shoes card is officially null and void?

  Jourdan thinks I shou
ld tell Johnny about the baby, but what would that solve? In all the messages he’s left he has never once mentioned leaving his wife. Not once. It’s always, “I miss you, baby. I love you. Please give me a chance to work it out. Be patient with me.”

  Listen, the flesh is weak and I almost fell for it, too. But then I remembered I’d be an even bigger fool than I am right now. So I just ignore him, and when I need a fix, I listen to the messages (yes, I kept them. And?)

  Even though he lied about being married, I know family means a lot to him. I know that if I told him about this child he’d leave his wife in an instant to do the honorable (albeit fucked up) thing.

  And I don’t want that.

  I want Johnny to choose me because he loves me, not because he feels obligated to take care of me like I’m some business asset that needs nurturing.

  So I’m keeping my mouth shut and saving us all the extra heartache.

  It’s the only choice that makes sense.

  xx.

  * * *

  Jaylah ran around her flat making sure she had everything she needed for her trip home. She checked her purse for her passport, phone, and magazines, then examined the garden door to see if it was locked, made sure all of the windows were shut, and emptied the trash. She gave another quick look around before dragging her suitcase out of the door to hop the Tube to Heathrow.

  Three months had elapsed since she first made the journey, but it felt like three years. Though so much had happened since she’d stumbled into London feeling broken and confused, she’d come full circle—leaving exactly the same way she came.

  Jaylah walked up the block struggling to get to the train. As she juggled her suitcase, purse, and backpack, she felt the impulse to vomit.

  “Oh come on, don’t do this right now,” she pleaded with the child inside her.

  She considered running back to her apartment, but she knew she would never make it. So she settled for the next best option: heaving on the side of the road.

  Jaylah spilled the contents of her stomach, and then leaned against the wall of her complex trying to regain her strength. A cab to Heathrow would cost her nearly £40 and she needed to hurry to the train if she was going to make her flight.

  “Jaylah? Are you alright?” Johnny asked, running to her side.

  “I’m fine. Just not feeling that well, that’s all.”

  “Here, let me help you up,” he said, pulling her upright.

  “Are you stalking me?”

  “I had the day marked off in my calendar, remember? I was hoping to catch you before you left.”

  “Of course,” she groaned. “Well, you caught me. I have to get going, though. I gotta catch the train.”

  Jaylah took two steps before throwing up again, barely missing Johnny’s shoes.

  “Whoa. Are you sure you’re ok? Maybe I should get you to hospital.”

  “No, no, I’m fine. I just need to sit down for a minute.”

  He touched her forehead. “You’re burning up. Let me take you to hospital. Please?”

  She shook her head, “I need to get to the airport or I’m going to miss my flight.”

  “At least let me take you. I can’t let you get on the Tube like this.”

  She didn’t want to ride with him, but her stomach felt like whatever was left inside was staging a revolt and the jerking of the train would surely spring it free.

  “Okay,” she agreed.

  Johnny helped her into the car and threw her luggage in the trunk. “What time is your flight?”

  “Five,” she said, feeling like she was going to faint.

  He checked his watch. “Ok, that gives us enough time to make a stop.”

  “A stop? Johnny, I’m not feeling well, just take me to the airport, please. If I miss my flight I can’t afford a replacement ticket.”

  “Be cool. I’ll get you there, innit? I just want to make sure you’re ok. I can take you to see a friend of mine, a doctor, he’ll check you out, then we’ll be on our way.”

  “I don’t have time to see a doctor, Johnny. Anyway, I’m fine.”

  “Look, the flight staff won’t let you on if you look visibly sick. Maybe he can give you something that will help,” he said. “And if you miss your flight, I’ll cover it, yeah?”

  “Fine,” she said, wishing he’d just shut up and up drive.

  Jaylah closed her eyes and pretended to fall asleep, she couldn’t stomach another one of Johnny’s rambling apologies or pleas for understanding; she was too exhausted to mount a proper defense today.

  Johnny tore through Islington, carefully navigating the mounting afternoon traffic while stealing glances at Jaylah. A few minutes later they pulled up to a quaint office in Camden that looked like it to belonged to storybook character rather than a doctor. An elderly white woman with ashen hair and kind eyes greeted them at the door.

  “Hi, we’re here to see Dr. Gupta,” Johnny said, “I called ahead; he said he’d be able to see us.”

  “Oh, you just missed him. He had an emergency and had to leave in a hurry, but he told me to take a look at you.”

  “Not me,” he said, stepping aside, “Jaylah’s the one I’m concerned about.”

  “Come in. Let’s figure out what’s going on,” the woman smiled and motioned for Jaylah to follow her inside. She turned to Johnny, “have a seat, love. We’ll be right back.”

  Jaylah followed the woman into the exam room and immediately felt nauseous.

  “Excuse me, do you have a bucket, uh, just in case?”

  The doctor smiled and handed her a plastic container. Jaylah hurled again, draining whatever liquids she’d managed to keep down.

  “Hmm, how long have you been vomiting in this manner?”

  “A few days,” she said, wiping her mouth.

  “A nasty bug’s been going ‘round. Just yesterday I saw three people who were carrying on like you. Do you have any other symptoms? Coughing? Fever? Aches and chills?”

  “I’m not sick,” Jaylah cut in, “I’m pregnant.”

  “Oh! How wonderful! Morning sickness, eh? How long have you been going on like this?”

  “All week,” Jaylah said, remembering how difficult it had been to get ready for her trip home when every few minutes she felt like she needed to lay down.

  “Have you been getting enough liquids? From the looks of things you might have a slight case of dehydration. Let me get you some peppermint tea, it helps.”

  “Is there anything I can take to make this go away? I have a flight to catch this evening.”

  “You mean medicine? Oh no. Anything you take will go straight to the baby. Just relax dear, I’ll have you back on your feet in a moment,” she said, patting Jaylah’s hand and leaving the room.

  This baby is already slowing me down, Jaylah thought. I couldn’t do this for nine whole months.

  Despite her decision to terminate the pregnancy, Jaylah’s mind still tried figure out a way she could keep it. Jourdan would help, and after her parents got over the shock of having a statistic for a daughter they’d get on board too.

  But what about Johnny? He was sure to try to see her over the next few as her stomach grew, what would she say then?

  She brushed aside the idea of being a mother, and instead tried to figure out where she’d have an abortion—back in L.A. or in London? Waiting a month until she returned meant continuing to agonize over her decision and possibly chicken out. But terminating her pregnancy in London meant she wouldn’t have to go through it alone, Jourdan could be by her side.

  The elderly doctor returned clutching a mug of tea. “Here you go sweetie.”

  “Thank you,” Jaylah said. “When will I be able to leave?”

  “Just drink up. We’ll see if you can keep this down first,” the doctor said. “When you leave be sure to get something with ginger in it—ginger ale, ginger snaps, anything. It helps.”

  Jaylah nodded as she continued to sip the steaming concoction.

  “Don’t worry dear, in a few wee
ks this will all pass, but if it doesn’t come back and see me, yeah? I’ll prescribe you some B-6 supplements.”

  A few weeks? Jaylah couldn’t imagine another day of this. Her stomach felt like she’d jumped out of a plane and was barreling toward the ground.

  She slowly drunk the tea and waited for the baby to rebel. Would this child be a maverick like Johnny, confident and strong, or would it be a pushover like she had once been? She let her mind explore the possibilities for just a minute. What could it hurt?

  “Still keeping it down?” the doctor said, cutting in on Jaylah’s thoughts.

  “Yes, looks like it.”

  “Great! I think you’ll be fine. You just needed something to settle things down a bit. You’re getting on a plane today?”

  “Yeah, in a couple of hours.”

  “Hmm, I wouldn’t advise it, but just be sure to ask for some tea, and keep something handy in case you need to vomit.”

  “Thank you. Johnny said they might not let me on if they think I’m sick? Would it possible to get a letter?”

  “Sure. I’ll type one up. You can wait in the front with your partner.”

  My partner? Jaylah liked the sound of that. “Thank you,” she said, following the woman out of the room.

  As soon as she emerged, Johnny sprang to his feet; a look of concerned was etched into his handsome face.

  “Everything ok?”

  “Yes, I’m just a little dehydrated,” she said, taking a seat. “I’ll be fine.”

  “So you’re cleared to fly?”

  “Yeah, she said I should be alright. She’s writing me a note.”

  The elderly doctor returned waving an envelope.

  “Here you go sweetie,” she said, handing it to Jaylah.

  “Thank you for everything.”

  “No problem. Oh, and don’t go through those machines at the airport, they’re bad for the baby. Opt for the pat down.”

  Jaylah offered a weak smile of thanks. She hoped Johnny didn’t hear the doctor’s last recommendation, but she knew he had.