by Harlow James
I watch his Adam’s apple bob as he swallows hard, clearly waiting to respond so he can choose his words carefully.
“I… I don’t know…” He growls, pushing himself up off of the wall and turning his back to me, pulling on his hair.
“What?” I ask, even more confused than I thought I was before.
“I don’t know what I want from you, Olivia. You and I were supposed to be a one-time thing. But now you’re here and I… I feel…”
Anger floods my veins as I watch him throw blame on me once more. “Well, I’m sorry I’ve come along and wrecked your life. Don’t worry, Kane. Our secret will stay a secret and I’ll leave you alone,” I chide, pushing myself off of the wall and turning for the exit, making my way out to my car.
“Olivia!” He shouts after me, but I don’t turn around. I feel the sting of tears hit my eyes when I realize that trying to reason with him is just a waste of time. From our few brief encounters, it’s obvious we can’t have a normal conversation. Maybe sex is all we were ever meant to be.
And I’m stupid for thinking it could ever be something more.
The slap of my boots on the pavement mimics the slam of my heart in my chest. My tears threaten to fall, but I hold them inside until I reach my car door and begin to fish my keys from my pocket, the saltiness of the droplets hitting my lips as I let my frustration out in the form of crying.
“Hey, sis,” a low voice catches me off-guard as I spin around and hoist my keys up in the air, prepared to do as much damage as the jagged pieces of metal will allow.
“Whoa there! Easy tiger. Liv, it’s me.”
My brother Cooper stands there before me in his sheriff deputy uniform, one hand on his gun while the other is high in the air.
“Jesus, Coop. You scared the shit out of me!”
He laughs as he lowers his hand and reaches both arms out for me, pulling me in for a hug. I’ve been home for over a week now, but this is the first time I’ve seen my younger brother. Cooper is three years younger than me and a newbie sheriff deputy in town. His shifts have been opposite of my schedule so we haven’t been able to meet up with each other.
Even though he’s younger than me, Cooper towers over my five-eight frame. At six-three and two-hundred some odd pounds of muscle, he makes me feel safe in his arms, in a brotherly way, of course. His dark brown hair and matching eyes make him look just like a younger version of our dad.
“You working the game tonight?” I ask as we break apart.
“Yup. You know this game can get out of hand sometimes. The crowds are insane, so the school district always calls in to the department for added security.”
“It’s so good to see you. I’m sorry I haven’t made an effort to catch up yet. It’s been crazy with starting my new job and getting settled in. You’re going to mom and dad’s for dinner on Sunday, right?”
“Yeah, I’ll be there. I’ll have to leave a bit early to start my night shift, but I’ll be there. Are you okay?” He searches my face, which I’m sure is three shades of red with mascara running down my cheeks.
“Oh, yeah. I’m fine,” I lie, looking away to swipe at my face.
“Hey. Did something happen?” He asks, pulling my chin so my face meets his again.
“Just stressed and tired. And these shoes are killing me. I’m ready for bed,” I shake him off, unlocking my car and opening my door.
“You’re a horrible liar, Liv.”
“It’s nothing you need to concern yourself with, Coop. I’m good. I’ll see you Sunday.”
He shakes his head at me before leaning down and kissing the top of my skull. “Whatever you say. Love you. See you Sunday.”
I give him a tight-lipped smile, then slide into my car and pull out of the parking lot, leaving the night and all the confusion behind.
The day started out promising and then quickly went to shit. Is this just the new theme of my life now? If that’s the case, I demand a do over! Thirty-one years on this earth and my world has never been shaken like this before. This better not be the Trevor effect. Or some weird Mercury retrograde that’s making my universe teeter off of its axis.
Sleep. That’s what I need. Sleep, a good book, and as little interaction with Kane as possible.
Chapter 16
Kane
“So what brings you in today, Kane? I haven’t seen you in a few months.”
It’s three in the afternoon on a Wednesday and I’m hunched forward, arms resting on my knees on my therapist’s couch. My chest is tight and my mind is exhausted ever since my panic attack on Friday and then my confrontation with Olivia that night. I ran several miles trying to work off the adrenaline. I even thought maybe a ride on my motorcycle would help clear my head. But I couldn’t muster up the courage to jump on my bike in the state of mind I was in.
So when my therapist responded to my text on Monday that she had an opening today, I took it. I know that therapy has helped me learn much more about myself than I could have realized, and it helped me through one of the most difficult times of my life.
Surely it can help me through whatever the fuck this is that I’m feeling.
“I, uh, had a panic attack on Friday.”
“Really?” Dr. Martinez perches in her chair, sitting up taller and eager to take notes with her pen and paper in hand. This Hispanic woman in her fifties may look sweet, but she’s made me face my demons harder than Tony ever could. I love her and borderline hate her at the same time.
I sit up and wipe my hands down my slacks, itching to get rid of the moisture that has been gathered there for days.
Sweaty palms, increased heart rate, a tight chest—all indicators of my anxiety flaring up.
“Yeah. It happened in the morning before school started. I was able to talk myself down, used some of the breathing techniques we’ve discussed. But the truth is, it scared me.”
“Scared you? How so?”
I clear my throat before answering. “It happened after speaking with a colleague of mine. A woman…”
Dr. Martinez lowers her head so she can peer at me above her teal-rimmed glasses.
“A woman?” The look on her face is all-knowing, yet she’s still waiting for me to say the words.
“Yeah. I, uh, kind of slept with her.”
She sits back in her chair and clicks her pen, placing the ballpoint on the paper, ready to document. “Let’s start at the beginning….”
“So, you surrendered yourself to the physical connection you felt with this woman, but what you’re feeling is beyond physical?”
I nod. “Yeah, and it freaks me the fuck out.”
“Language, Kane,” she scolds me.
“Sorry. I just… it’s been three years since Natasha and not once have I felt the desire to get to know a woman beyond what will make her come. And even when I took a break from sex, there wasn’t a woman who caught my eye like Olivia has. It’s… I’m terrified.”
“Terrified is a strong word to use. Why choose that one?”
I sit back and think about what she’s asking. Terrified, by definition, means to ‘fill with terror or alarm; to make greatly afraid.’ And the thought of opening myself up to someone again makes me feel just that.
“Because all I feel is an extreme fear at the thought of trying to have a relationship again. But for the life of me, I can’t get this woman out of my head. Even when I thought it was just going to be for the night, by the time I left, I wondered if there was a chance we could make it more than a one-time thing. Our physical connection was insane, obviously. But there was more there. I want to explore it. I want to see if there could be more… but I’m not sure I’m ready for that commitment again. However, I do know that she’s the first person who’s made me think about it.”
“I think that’s definitely something to consider. For the three years that you’ve been coming to me, you’ve never mentioned a woman before, besides Natasha, of course. If you’re here because of her, I think that’s worth exploring.”
/> “But… how do I do this? I mean, think about it… the only person I’ve ever been in a relationship with was Natasha. She was my high school sweetheart. I never dated. I never wooed anyone but her. I don’t know where to begin. I’ve been out of the game my whole adult life pretty much. I’m going to fuck it up.”
Dr. Martinez shoots me a scowl at my language again, but I ignore it.
“You start small. You simply vow to get to know her and try to be honest with her about your intentions. If she’s the woman you describe her to be, she will appreciate your honesty and hopefully give you the chance to prove yourself. The only way you can move past Natasha, Kane, is by putting yourself out there. You have come so far since your time overseas and after what not only Natasha but T.J. also did to you. You experienced a deep-rooted betrayal that has made you question your trust in people, yet you’ve let people in since then.”
“Who? Who have I let in, because all I can think about is how many people I’ve pushed out?”
“Drew and his wife, Tammy, the other men you work with…”
“But they’re all my friends, not someone I’m interested in romantically…”
“Beneath every true romance is a foundation of friendship. Friendship you are capable of, so you start there. And as the intimacy grows, you’ll find yourself more willing to open up your heart.”
I sit back against the couch, a deep sigh leaving my nostrils as the weight of my anxiety starts to leave my chest. This was the clarification and direction that I needed.
I know that I have opened myself up to other people since being bitch-slapped by my best friend and fiancé. And if I don’t want to lose my chance with Olivia, I have to be willing to do that with her too.
“My greatest fear is ending up alone…” The words leave my mouth before I can stop them, and finally voicing them out loud feels freeing, like a bird escaping a cage and spreading its wings for the first time in an eternity.
“Because you know that’s what you fear, you won’t let it happen,” the woman sitting across from me says, letting me know that the hundred dollars an hour that I pay her is worth every penny.
Chapter 17
Olivia
High school. I work at one every day and the emotional distress I’m currently feeling makes me believe I’m reliving it.
It’s been almost a week since the Ashland-Emerson game where I stormed off and left Kane behind. But sadly, the only way I retreated from him was physically. He’s still very much present in my thoughts.
It’s like having a crush on a boy back in high school. You get dressed that day with the thought of running into him in the halls, wanting to leave a killer impression on his memory of your aptitude for fashion sense. You avoid locking eyes with him at the same time, pretending you both weren’t searching each other out in a crowd. And any conversations you absolutely have to partake in, you over-analyze every word you speak in fear of looking stupid.
Well, I’ve managed to bypass any interaction with him so far, until today. It’s Thursday, which means the restaurant class bakes treats for the teachers and leaves them in the lounge for us to pick up at our convenience. After the sample I devoured last week, let’s just say I set a reminder on my phone to make sure I got one of each pastry this Thursday.
“Good morning, Olivia,” Drew greets me as I step through the door to the lounge, the overpowering smell of sugar and cinnamon wafting through the air.
“Hi, Drew. How’s it going?”
“Oh, you know… just living the dream,” he chuckles and then shoves the rest of his scone in his mouth. “I swear, these kids might not remember to bring a pencil to class, but they sure can bake the hell out of some flour and sugar,” he mumbles around a mouthful of food.
I chuckle as I watch the crumbs fly out of his mouth, preparing to agree when someone else joins our conversation.
“Jesus, dude. Finish chewing before you speak.”
That voice. I don’t even have to turn around to know who that deep rasp and sinful body belongs to. My entire body stiffens, my senses heighten, and my pulse spikes knowing Kane and I are in the same room since our encounter Friday evening.
“Sorry, Mr. Etiquette. But dude, seriously… these things are amazing. It’s a snickerdoodle scone! And there’s blueberry lemon, raspberry and white chocolate, and pumpkin. You and Olivia better grab some before I eat them all.”
“If you do, I’ll tell Tammy. I know she’s making you watch what you eat, man.”
Drew narrows his eyes at Kane. “You wouldn’t dare.”
Kane snickers. “Try me.”
“Fine. I’ll just take one more,” he reaches through both of us and grabs a blueberry lemon scone and then another, offering it to me. “Want one, Olivia?”
I snatch that scone right up, trying not to act too eager. “Thanks.”
“How about a pumpkin one?” Drew grabs one to offer it to me again, as if I can’t serve myself.
I crinkle my nose in disgust. “Eck! You can keep all the pumpkin ones far away from me, sir. I don’t understand the hype about pumpkin-flavored everything in the fall.”
“Dude, that disgusting. Don’t offer people pumpkin,” Kane chimes in, surprising me.
“Really? I thought all women were in to pumpkin. Candles, decorations, pumpkin spice lattes? You chicks usually eat up all that fall shit, right?” Drew asks before turning to Kane for support.
I still haven’t turned around to register the look on Kane’s face. Obviously he knows I’m here, but he hasn’t addressed me either. Then I think he’s got a perfect view of my backside right now, and I wore my black slacks today that hug every curve on my lower half. Point for Olivia.
“The decorations I can handle, but the pumpkin flavor is way overdone.”
“See, told you,” Kane says before he grabs a few scones for himself on a napkin, then proceeds to make another stack.
Drew smirks while slyly reaching for another snickerdoodle before he makes his way to the door. “Seems to me you two share a lot more in common than just a hatred of one another.”
“I saw that, Drew. Don’t forget, I’m friends with Tammy now too. So don’t think I won’t squeal as well.”
“You both deserve each other then,” he waves at us from over his shoulder with his back turned. “And who’s to say this one isn’t for my lovely wife? I am a gentleman, after all. Hey, don’t kill one another before the next class starts.”
I shake my head as I laugh at Drew, only to turn back around to find Kane staring down at me now, penetrating my mind with his gaze, holding out the napkin full of scones to me.
“Thank you,” I say shyly, accepting his offering and finding a seat at one of the tables.
“You’re welcome,” he says, shifting his feet, heading to the coffeemaker to refill his thermos.
Silence fills the room as I pick at the raspberry scone—which is wickedly delicious, crumbling and melting on my tongue while a savor every calorie. The slow trickle of Kane pouring coffee into his cup is the only noise.
“So, I’ve finally met another person who hates pumpkin flavored shit as much as I do,” Kane breaks the silence after clearing his throat, startling me.
“Uh, yeah. I only eat one slice of pumpkin pie a year and that’s on Thanksgiving. Other than that, I could live without it,” I nervously reply, waiting for him to turn around so I can read his face again.
Kane turns and glides over to the table, standing before me, studying my face while his eyebrows draw together in thought.
“Can I help you with something?” I ask curiously, wondering how this man can be so hot and cold. There has to be demons he’s fighting to be so wishy-washy with me. How is it we’ve gone from attacking each other, to him saving me from crickets, to screaming at each other, to frozen in place, talking about pumpkin flavored foods?
“I don’t hate you, Olivia,” he confesses, astonishing me with directness.
“I don’t hate you either, Kane.” Our two sets of eyes rem
ained locked on one another, the hammer of my heart in my chest picking up relentlessly as I wait for him to make the next move.
“Olivia, I…” He speaks just as the bell rings and he darts his head to locate the sound, signaling the end of our prep period and the impending start of the next.
The skid of my chair against the tile rings through the room as I push it back to stand, grabbing my scones and keys from the table.
“Have a nice day, Kane,” I offer as I scoot around him, my head held high, not allowing his uncertainty to rock me any more than it already has—at least not in front of him.
“You too, Olivia,” he calls out after me, his voice fading away as I turn the corner and battle the students through the halls to get back to my classroom in time for the next period.
Chapter 18
Kane
“I swear, at this point, she probably thinks I can’t finish a goddamn sentence,” I mutter to Tony as I sip my IPA, hunched over on his bar like I usually find myself on a Friday night.
I needed someone to talk to who wasn’t Drew—who’s trying to play matchmaker along with his wife—or my therapist, who already gave me the direction I needed to move forward with Olivia. I don’t also need to pay her to listen to me bitch about what an idiot I looked like.
Tony just smirks at me with his arms crossed over his chest, that knowing look in his eyes.
“Just say it, Tony….”
“I never thought I’d see the day that you would be this torn up about a woman,” he chuckles, making the sound of drowning myself in beer even more appetizing.
“Psh… you and me both, Tony. This is all your fault, you know,” I say while pointing a very strong finger in his direction.
“Me? What the hell did I do?”
“You’re the one who told me to go have fun that night. You’re the one who pushed me towards her. If I hadn’t listened to you, none of this would be happening right now!”