Luz, Rebound

by Jeania Kimbrough

  “Watcha doin’ on Thursday? I think I can arrange a six-hour layover. It is either that or Sunday, but Sunday might not work as well. There are fewer flights.”

  “Wow…Thursday?” I started shivering. In my haste to make it to the phone I’d forgotten my robe, but I knew that wasn’t why. It was the fact that I was going to see Ben again soon that was making all the hairs on my arm in front of me stand on end.

  “Yeah. I’m really looking forward to seeing you, Kara.”

  “Kara?” Ben repeated my name after a moment of silence.

  “You’re not kidding me?”

  “No, I’ll be there next week.”

  My teeth chattered.

  “It won’t feel real until you’re here,” I said before we hung up.

  ***

  Ryan walked in just as the bell rang for chapel. His shoulders hunched a little and he had dark circles under his eyes. He looked at me, making his way to his seat, just as we were asked to stand for prayer.

  I glanced sideways at him throughout, looking for a sign of what had happened in one instance, replaying my conversation with Ben in the next. While the lecture was going he was writing. I hoped it was a note for me. When we were dismissed he hung out by the end of the row until I could make my way through, and he passed me a piece of paper.

  “Is everything all right?” I asked taking it, and looking up into his big, hazel eyes. They looked so stricken, too old for our age.

  “She’s okay, but I have to go talk to Dr. Matthews now.”

  Internally I groaned. I hated the thought. “When can we talk?”

  “Later. I’ll be around.”

  But he wasn’t around. I didn’t see him during the breaks, and he missed Spanish.

  I watched the hands of the clock and noted five-minute intervals, wondering where he was, thinking about what he’d written on the note he gave me. Thinking about what all of this meant.

  Chapter 20

  Refuge

  Kara,

  It was a long night. We went to the hospital, and Christie was so pale and her parents so upset. I won’t clutter this page with all the painful details except for one: I kept thinking of you. Knowing that you might be worried or having doubts. Worried about me, about this. But I’m not worried, not as long as we’re okay. I know this is messy. Don’t give up on me now, Kara. I need you more than ever. There are better days to come.

  I love you.

  Ryan

  The way Ryan thought of me amid all of what was going on last night made me want to cry. I felt his love for me more than ever. And yet, despite the disturbing situation with Christie, the thought that I would see Ben soon again kept playing in the back of my mind. Life was setting me up for something, but I wasn’t sure what. My fingers trembled when I held the note to reread it.

  At lunch I sat down with Kelli and Nic, waiting for Ryan to appear. I told them what had happened to Christie. The way Deana and Josie kept glaring at me from a couple of tables over made me think that word was starting to spread.

  “I can’t believe it!” Nic shook her head. “It’s so horrible. I’ve never heard of anything like this at Trinity. The girl needs professional help. Did you see how thin she’s become? Poor Christie.”

  Kelli was quieter about her thoughts, but she fiddled with her food and wouldn’t look directly at me. I wondered what they were not saying.

  “Is it my fault?” I asked quietly. “She told Ryan she’d do anything to get him back.”

  There was silence for a minute. I watched them both and caught them exchange glances. I averted my eyes and held my breath.

  “No, it’s not your fault, Kara.” Kelli’s hand came over mine.

  “You didn’t make her take the pills,” Nic said. “It’s sad for everyone. For you and Ryan, too. I know you feel terrible. You look like you haven’t slept. It wasn’t anything you knew would happen.”

  I inhaled deeply and began to chew at my bottom lip. An uncomfortable silence grew between us as we thought over the time line of events. No one knew what else to say.

  Five minutes to bell, Ryan walked through the open double doors of the cafeteria. His eyes found me and he started over. Deana got up and intercepted him halfway. I stood up to go to him. His eyes warned not to. I sat back down.

  She tossed her head in my direction. “Whore,” I read on her lips. His brows furrowed and he pushed her away, saying something I could not work out. Then he sat in the seat across from me.

  “I’m sorry. Kara told us,” Nic said.

  “Are you okay?” Kelli asked. I watched him in silence.

  “Yeah. Thanks, I’m okay.” He looked at me. “Kara, can I talk to you?”

  Nic and Kelli immediately got up to leave, taking my almost untouched tray with them.

  “Can I meet you after school?” Ryan asked, glancing at the clock. “My dad’s picking me up, but not till five fifteen.”

  “Where?”

  “I’ll wait for you in the chapel.”

  * * *

  It took about twenty minutes for the halls to empty in the main building after school. I didn’t try to sneak into the chapel until after they cleared. Opening the door let in a crack of light from the hallway and I knew if he was already there he could see me before I saw him. He waited until the door closed behind me until he spoke.

  “Up here, Kara.”

  His whisper came from the far side of the room, up toward the top where the audiovisual equipment locker sat. I fumbled around for a minute before I saw a tiny spotlight illuminate the main middle aisle low toward the floor.

  “You brought a flashlight?” I asked, following the beam.

  “Yeah, but we have to be careful not to reflect it back out those glass doors or they’ll know someone’s in here.” He shut it off when I reached him, and we were in darkness again.

  He put his arms around me.

  “Are you really okay?” I asked.

  He buried his face in my hair, hugging me tighter to him. “Yes, especially now.”

  We held each other for a while in silence before we sat down and the wooden seats creaked under us.

  “So, what happened today? You weren’t around.”

  “I had to talk to Dr. Matthews first. Christie’s mom called the school this morning and my mom wanted me to talk to her, too. She just asked questions about what happened and things Christie said.”

  “Oh.”

  “And then I was late for classes, and Headmaster Marin called me to the office right before lunch.”

  “Are you in trouble?”

  “No.”

  “Is she going to be okay?”

  “Yeah. I don’t think she really wanted to die. She left a note and her radio on. Her mom came up to make her turn it off and found her. It hadn’t been long, from what her mom said.”

  “A note?”

  “That she hated life because it was full of liars and cheats. That people she loved had broken their promises and her heart. That I had hurt her. That no one would miss her if she died. Her mom asked me to read it.”

  “So she blames you.”

  “Well, Christie does. I don’t know about her mom. I think she was just upset, but then my parents told her I wasn’t to blame and Dr. Matthews and the Headmaster Marin basically said the same thing. They said Christie needs help.”

  I thought about what he said. Were we to blame for others’ actions? I had blamed the way Christie behaved toward me for my initial desire to win Ryan back. But maybe that was only an excuse. “Do you think we aren’t to blame for any of it?”

  “I don’t know.” His voice was gravelly. “Do you blame me?”

  “No. Of course not.”

  “I hope you don’t blame yourself.”

  “No. Not exa
ctly. But I can’t help thinking if I weren’t in the picture it wouldn’t have happened.”

  He didn’t reply right away. “Maybe not right now, but…eventually.”

  “Promises.” I let the word I was focusing on inside my head slip out of my mouth. I couldn’t see his face, but that word hung between us like bad juju in darkness.

  “I should never have given her a ring.”

  I had never asked him why he never attempted to give me one. I was hurt in some way when she flashed that around, even though I discounted it. “Why did you?”

  He sighed. “I told you before. She wanted it. I wanted to make her happy.”

  “But you knew it meant more than that.”

  “I love you, Kara.”

  “And yet you never offered me a ring.”

  Ryan was quiet for a while. “It’s funny; I thought of you the day I bought it. I thought about how shocked and jealous I hoped you would be to see a ring on her finger. Of course I knew she’d be happy, and I really wanted to please her, for her to love me, but I still remember that other thought I had, deep down. I never told anyone.”

  I felt tears well up in my eyes. His voice had grown more emotional as he told the story.

  “The thing is, I know how Christie feels. I wanted to be loved, too. I wanted to have someone to believe in. I wanted …promises.”

  I sniffed and squeezed his hand. He moved his other across his eyes. I knew he was tearing up, too.

  “I wanted her to be my ideal girlfriend, and I wanted to be exactly what she wanted, too. She’s so jealous of you, you know, because she’s figured out that you’re who I really wanted all along.” His voice cracked. “And now I’m afraid for how this changes things. I’m afraid you’ll leave me again.” He wiped his eyes another time.

  I was always in love with Ryan’s naked honesty. The raw purity of his emotion toward me was something that would forever humble me and make me want to be better, more pure myself. Ryan had never let me down on how ideal love should feel on the receiving end. He needed me.

  I turned in my seat to put my arms around him. His big, unsure eyes stirred this desperate inside me need to make them happier. I hugged him, resting my head on his shoulder. My arms wound tightly around his chest, and I heard his heart pound. “I won’t. I love you, Ryan,” I said. And I meant it.

  Chapter 21

  Fuel for Fire

  Dr. Matthews called me into her office the next morning. I guess I expected it after Ryan said he had to see her.

  “Have a seat, Kara.”

  I didn’t want to. The day had started cool and cloudy, and her office was positively dark. She wore her shawl around her shoulders. I zipped my jacket to my neck and shoved my hands into my pockets, perching on the edge of a seat in front of her desk. “I don’t know why you want to see me. I don’t really know Christie.”

  “So you do know why you’re here.”

  “We were on the phone when he got the call.”

  She put her hands on her desk. “Kara, I want to make it absolutely clear that I did not ask you to come here today to in any way make you feel responsible for what happened. No one is blaming you. No one is blaming Ryan.”

  “That’s not true. Ryan said Christie blamed him in her note. Her friends, I am sure, hold us both responsible, but I don’t care. I don’t care if you do either.” My voice was shaky. I sounded like I was about to cry. I hated myself for it.

  “I don’t.”

  I took a big breath and sat back into the chair. I really did think she was calling me in today to find out what part I played in all this, if Ryan or I or both of us caused her to take all those pills. If we did, we didn’t do it intentionally, but when Ryan and I talked in chapel yesterday, I wondered if somehow this could have all been prevented.

  “I never wanted her to hurt herself. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.”

  “I know, hon.” Her head tilted to the side at me as she nodded.

  I winced internally at her use of hon. I wouldn’t cry on her shoulder. “But I wanted Ryan.” I bit my lip. “And…I wanted her to be jealous—before. Not now. Not since I realize how badly she is taking their breakup.” I was guilty of this.

  “Did she ever tell you she would hurt herself, that she didn’t want to live?” Her hands crossed in front of her.

  “No.”

  “Did she ever threaten you?”

  She had asked me that before. I thought of the bathroom incident and what Ryan had said on the phone last night.

  I shook my head. “Not really. She just told me to stay away from Ryan.” I remembered her calling me a bitch. I hadn’t deserved it then, but maybe I did a little now. I had cheered inside when I knew they broke up. “Why?”

  “She told Ryan she wanted to hurt you and him both.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Have you looked at her lately? She weighs like ten pounds. She’s just angry. She doesn’t mean it.”

  “I appreciate that you seem to have sympathy for her, but we have to take what she says seriously. Are you aware that she also told Ryan if she couldn’t hurt you or him, she’d hurt herself?”

  He hadn’t told me that, not the part about her saying she’d hurt herself. “When did she say that?”

  “The day she came back to school. You and Ryan didn’t talk about that?”

  My heart accelerated in my chest. “We were talking about what she said when the phone started clicking.” Why didn’t Ryan tell me she said that too? I hoped he didn’t blame himself. “We didn’t get to talk about all of it.” But if we had, would I have done anything differently? “I told him she was being manipulative. If we didn’t do something, it was because I told him—well, we—didn’t take her seriously.”

  “It was manipulative. She did want to influence Ryan’s actions with her words. But you have to take it seriously when someone says they will hurt others or themselves.”

  “People say they could just die or they want to die sometimes. It’s an expression. I’m sure I’ve said it myself.” I didn’t know what made me defend Christie to Dr. Matthews. Perhaps it was guilt or some roundabout way of trying to make it up to her.

  “Circumstances make the difference. Look, we don’t blame either of you. We’re just trying to get to the bottom of this and we need to, as a school, probably look at some preventative training, some warning signs.”

  “Did she ever tell you she’d hurt herself, Dr. Matthews?”

  Dr. Matthews’s eyes crinkled. Her hand came up to straighten the bridge of her glasses. “Why would you ask that?”

  I didn’t know why I did, really. It just popped out of my mouth. “Because I can see her saying it. I can see how you might not have believed her, either. It’s an honest mistake.”

  She considered what I had to say. I could see that by the way she briefly drummed her fingers on her desk I had probably upset her.

  “Christie never told me she would hurt herself, Kara. She was never my client.”

  I looked at her, confused. I thought for sure she would have been. She was so jealous, so insecure.

  “Ryan was.”

  We stared at each other, my face growing hot. I could understand why she wasn’t supposed to divulge names. “Why tell me that now?” I asked.

  “Because if you ever feel like talking through this or anything else, I want you to come see me. You can trust me.”

  “Yeah.” But I didn’t. I wondered if Ryan shouldn’t have either.

  ***

  The one thing I suppose my talk with Dr. Matthews did do for me was make me hyperaware of what everyone else might be thinking and talking about as gossip about Christie started to break.

  Standing on a stage in a rented community center decorated with paper chains and streamers the next night with Peter as my date, I did my best to smile as th
ey announced the court that was there. Christie didn’t attend, and neither did Ryan. I came because people around me told me I still should, and I was afraid if I didn’t, it would add to the guilt.

  But it didn’t matter. I could tell from the way her friends looked at me, and the whispers from some pockets of the room when they announced my name, that some people would blame Ryan and me for her stupid actions anyway. It made me mad and self-conscious at the same time. I focused on the giant mirror ball in the center of the room while on stage, so I didn’t have to look at anyone.

  My dress was beautiful. It had come out how I pictured it—about the only thing that did.

  And Peter was great. We went to a Japanese hibachi place where his uncle worked as a table chef and comped us the whole meal. He cleaned up well in the tuxedo he had rented and the tie and cummerbund I had the seamstress make for him from remnants of my dress. He had used some kind of gel in his hair to create a spikey new style and several girls asked him to dance once they saw that he could. Cooper even joked with him that he had quite a way with the ladies when we said hi to him and Nic. We didn’t hang out with them much, though. I wanted to protect her from any potential backlash and it was in some ways easier to be around others who didn’t yet know the story. David and Kelli made an appearance right before the coronation and left soon afterward. David looked at his watch a couple of times while they were there and didn’t talk much to anyone else. It was apparent he only came to please her.

  “You’re not having a good time, Kara sirena,” Peter said about thirty minutes after they announced the queen for Spring Fling. Of course, it wasn’t me.

  I shrugged at him, trying to smile for real, instead of the fake one I had been using all night. “It’s hard right now.”

  “Do you want to go home?”

  “Do you?” I replied hopefully. He had looked like he was having much more fun.

  “No, this is my first dance ever, chica. But I understand if you do. Tonight wasn’t easy for you, I know.” We had talked about Christie a little over dinner. “You’re strong. Don’t listen to what people who don’t know the whole story might say. You showed courage tonight. You inspire me.”