A Silence in the Heart (Holmes Crossing Book 4)

by Carolyne Aarsen

"How do you know?" Tracy swiped at the tears that spilled anyhow, frustrated at how raw her emotions were.

  "I've seen the two of you together. And he's been here a couple of times the past few days. Alone. Looking like you."

  Her comment ignited a spark of hope, but right behind that came the reality of what David had done. "He probably feels guilty."

  "What did he do?"

  But Tracy knew she had already ventured too far into places she knew she couldn't go. Terra had seen her and Kent together, and she knew enough from Danielle how important it was to keep things confidential.

  "At any rate, he didn’t look happy."

  Tracy was quiet, letting the thought of David feeling bad settle into her mind. It gave her a curious glow of satisfaction. He hadn't treated what had happened lightly it seemed.

  Then a bell jangled above the door and a group of people came in.

  "Sorry, sweetie. I gotta go. Big party rezzie just came in." She shifted to move but then placed a comforting hand on Tracy's shoulder. "I think David feels really badly about what happened. And as for your mother, I know it's easy for me to say, but I also know what you've dealt with. She reached out to you. That's something. It's a whole lot more than I've ever gotten from my mom. I'm not going to glibly say give her another chance, because if your situation was anything like mine, your mother has used those up a long time ago. But in spite of that, I still hold out hope that someday my mom will come back to me and Leslie. Will want to be a mom."

  Tracy heard the wistful tone in her voice, and as she held Terra's gaze, she knew she couldn't throw back at her what she often did to Danielle whenever she spoke of her mother.

  You don't know how hard it is.

  Because Terra did.

  "Thanks for stopping by," Tracy said, covering her hand with hers. "And thanks for your advice."

  "Hey, what are friends for?" Then Terra got up, gave Tracy one last smile, and walked away, leaving Tracy with much to ponder. She finished her coffee, left some money on the table, and left.

  Ten minutes later, she let herself into her apartment, her hands stiff and chilled from the cool outside air.

  The phone in her apartment was ringing as she closed the door behind her. The call display showed her it was Danielle. She wanted to ignore it, but Terra's words stayed with her and she had missed her friend, so she picked it up.

  "Tracy?" Danielle heaved a deep sigh. "Oh, thank the Lord. I was so worried about you. David said you didn't phone him and you weren't answering your cell phone. Where have you been? I was going to call Jack DeWindt and file a missing person report. I even called the hospitals."

  Her panic gave Tracy a quiet glow. Having someone worry over her created a warm feeling.

  "David's been going crazy too."

  And that created more than a warm feeling.

  "I was just driving around," she said. "And I turned my phone off. I didn't want to talk to anyone."

  This elicited a moment of silence.

  "Tracy, I'm heartsick over what happened," Danielle said.

  You don't have the first clue what heartsick means, Tracy thought uncharitably. You still have your family. Your future. I have no one and nothing.

  "Tracy, please talk to me."

  Tracy sank down onto the floor and fell back against the couch. "I don't know what to say, Dani. You know how badly I wanted to take care of Kent."

  "I know, Tracy. You did a good job with him."

  "And David . . ." She choked back an unwelcome sob. "I don't know what to think about David. I feel as though he betrayed me. I told him I loved him. I finally dared to say it, and then this . . ."

  Danielle's silence didn't make her feel better.

  "He had input into where Kent was going, didn't he?" Tracy asked, pressing her friend for any scrap of information she could get.

  "He suggested that Kent be put into Jack and Emily's home, yes."

  Tracy winced. "Why?"

  "We had a variety of reasons. Don't blame him entirely."

  But she did. She had told David things she had never told anyone else. Had entrusted him with some of her deepest darkest fears. And he had used them against her.

  He didn’t look happy.

  Terra's words layered in over her angry emotions.

  "He's phoned me at least twice a day since you left," Danielle said, "wondering if you've called. He said you weren't answering your phone or responding to his texts. Please don't shut him out. He's a good man, Tracy."

  Tracy held that thought a moment and then pulled in a steadying breath. "I gotta go," was all she said. She hung up and then stared at the gray and cloudy day outside of her apartment, and she shivered. Winter was slowly peeking around the edges of the season. The thought was suddenly depressing. Another year here in this space. No acreage with dreams attached to them.

  No Kent.

  And David was out of the picture.

  And the shrill sound of the phone broke the silence of the apartment, again. Heart pounding, she checked the name on the call display.

  Her pulse shifted when she saw it was Emily.

  She had nothing to say to her, so she let it ring.

  It rang again. Then her phone beeped as a text message came in. Her heart jumped when she saw Kent's name on the screen.

  She immediately dialed Emily back. "Hello, Emily, I got your message," she said, her voice breathless.

  "Thank goodness you called back. I know this is asking a lot. Ken has been miserable the past few days," Emily was saying. "I know you cared for Kent and wanted to take care of him yourself, but would you consider coming? His mother was supposed to come for a visit yesterday, but didn't. He asked me if you were in the hospital like his mother had been. He's so mixed-up now."

  Tracy's heart contracted at the thought of Kent comparing her to Juanita Cordell. Thinking that she had abandoned him. She had been selfish, and it pained her to admit, just like Kent's mother.

  "Danielle told me I had to give him time to settle in," she said. "That I should leave him alone."

  "That may be, but I don't think right now that's as important as him knowing you still care for him. If it's not too hard for you, can you come and visit here?"

  She glanced at the clock. It was five o'clock. "Can I come now?"

  "That would be great, if you could."

  Five minutes later, Tracy was behind the wheel of her car, heading down the road toward Freeman. The clouds were breaking up, and the sun was at her back. It was like an omen. A good one, for a change.

  As she pulled into the driveway of Emily and Jack's home, she saw Kent's face in the window of their living room. He ducked out of sight, and by the time she was out of the car, he was barreling down the driveway, calling out her name. He hurled himself into her arms, clinging to her, crying.

  "I thought you were gone," he sobbed. "I thought I wouldn't see you again."

  Tracy closed her eyes as she held him close, holding back her own tears. "I'm sorry, Kent," she whispered, inhaling his little-boy scent of warm hair and sweat. "I'll be coming to visit more now."

  Kent pulled back and was about to wipe his nose with the heel of his hand.

  "Hold on, cowboy," Tracy said, catching his hand. "I've got a tissue here somewhere."

  Kent sniffed and stood unflinching as Tracy wiped his nose. "My kitty is here now." His dark eyes gazed trustingly up at her as he patiently put up with her fussing. "Dr. David brought him. He came for a visit yesterday." Just the mention of David's name was like cat's claws in her heart.

  "Come and see Emily. She's making good food." Kent tugged on her hand, pulling her toward the house, pulling open the door, and dragging her inside.

  Emily's home was as beautiful as she remembered it. The late-afternoon sun shone into the kitchen, as if welcoming her. Emily was at the stove, creating succulent smells that made Tracy's mouth water. She realized the last thing she'd eaten was a doughnut that she'd picked up at the Tim Hortons drive-through in Edmonton two hours ago.

/>   Emily looked up from the pot she was stirring and gave Tracy a cautious smile. "Hi there. I'm glad you could come."

  It wasn't her fault that Kent had ended up here, Tracy reminded herself, trying valiantly to return her smile while she clung to Kent's hand, claiming her small share of ownership in the boy.

  "Thanks for asking me." Tracy glanced down at Kent, who was swinging her hand in his. "It's good to see him again."

  "Come and see my kitty," Kent said, tugging impatiently on her hand. "He's really big."

  "You go ahead," Emily said with an indulgent smile for Kent. "He's been waiting to show you since I said you were coming."

  Tracy followed Kent down the stairs. He had his own bedroom, she noted with dismay. His own bed. A little desk with books on it. His own cupboard. So much more than she could have given him. Kitty was curled up in a pet bed in one corner of the room, his paws tucked under his chin, his whiskers twitching in a cat dream.

  "See. He's sleeping," Kent whispered, hunkering down, stroking his kitten with his finger. "He likes his bed."

  "It's a nice bed, Kent." And with some reluctance and not a lot of envy, Tracy glanced over at his wooden bed, decorated with various stickers. "It's almost as nice as your bed."

  Kent's face grew serious, his finger still stroking his kitten. "I like my bed at your place. Cozy beside you." He looked up at her, his dark eyes sad. "Can I come and stay with you?"

  She shouldn't be feeling as though she'd just won some nebulous contest with Kent as the prize. But his question still made her feel important. Needed.

  "This is where you're going to stay for a while, Kent," she said, stroking his hair. "You'll stay here until you can go back and stay with your mom. This is a good place, isn't it?"

  Kent lifted his skinny shoulders in an exaggerated sigh, his T-shirt lifting up past the waistband of the jeans she had bought him what seemed like eons ago. "I suppose," he said, pushing himself upright. Then he brightened and caught her hand again, pulling her out of the bedroom. "Emily is making supper. We can go see, 'kay?"

  He pulled her upstairs and back to the kitchen. "Are we going to eat?" he asked Emily.

  "As soon as I'm done cooking, we will." Emily smiled down at the little boy and then looked up at Tracy. "He loves helping me in the kitchen."

  "Can I set the table?" Kent asked.

  "You go right ahead, my dear." Emily tapped a spoon on the side of the pot and set it in the sink. "Would you like to stay for supper, Tracy?"

  "No. No. I just came to see Kent. I don't want to intrude." She already felt as if she had pushed herself too far on this family. Supper might be considered overstaying the welcome.

  "Please? Can't you stay?" Kent clutched her hand, looking up at her with pleading in his eyes.

  "I'd really like it if you could, Tracy." Emily wiped her hands on a towel and took a plastic bowl out of the cupboard. "I could use a little help with the salad."

  "Well, if you put it that way."

  "I'd put it any way I could, if it would convince you to stick around awhile," Emily said, handing her the bowl and a knife. "I need to talk to you anyway, and the kitchen is a good place to talk."

  In spite of Emily's light manner, Tracy still felt ill at ease. "What kind of salad do you want me to make? "Tracy asked, setting the bowl and knife on the counter.

  "The easiest." Emily pulled open the fridge behind Tracy and laid out some lettuce, tomatoes, and assorted other produce in the sink. "A green tossed salad. Put in what you want. I'll make the dressing. Kent, you'll need to get a clean tablecloth from the drying rack in the basement."

  "Okey dokey." He spun around and ran out of the kitchen.

  "He seems to like it here," Tracy said, glancing sideways at Emily. "It's a good place for him."

  Emily sighed lightly, her hands resting on the counter in front of her. "I still feel badly . . ."

  "Please. Don't. I could never give him what you've given him here."

  "It's not only that. I feel badly about David as well."

  Stillness crept over Tracy. A sense of waiting. She stopped working, the cool water flowing over her hands. "What do you mean?"

  "That day you stopped by. It was . . . well, it was a bit of a hard day for our family. We all loved Heather very much, and it was exactly a year since she had died."

  "She seemed like a person who was easy to love."

  "She was." Emily reached over and turned off the tap. Turned to face Tracy. "When I see how David looks at you, though, I know that he never, ever loved Heather the same way."

  Tracy kept her eyes on the glistening lettuce in the sink as Emily's quiet voice sent joy mingled with regret beating through her. What did David think of her now?

  "I have to admit to you, when I saw that . . ." Emily paused. Released a quick breath. "I was jealous. I wanted to keep David a part of our family. Because I felt that if I lost him, I would lose one more piece of Heather."

  Tracy chanced a quick glance at Emily, surprised at the admission. "I'm sorry about your sister," she said. "I shouldn't have come that day. Barging in on your family like that."

  "You don't need to be sorry. Nor do you need to be jealous of Heather, though I know I was trying hard to make you feel that way." Emily touched Tracy lightly on the shoulder, as if seeking a connection. "I know that David and Heather weren't truly engaged." Her lips curved in a wistful smile as her eyes drifted past Tracy's shoulder, looking into the past. "I guess I was hoping that by playing along, it might actually happen. That David's love and devotion would miraculously heal my sister and they could have their happily ever after."

  Emily blinked, as if coming back to reality.

  "David told me about the sacrifice you made for Kent," she continued. "He has nothing but admiration for you. And a whole lot more. I know that he loves you deeply. And though I tried to show you a picture of pure devotion between David and Heather, I want you to look at it a different way. I want you to see a man who knows how to be faithful. Who knows how to stay true. He really misses you, Tracy. I saw him after Heather's death. He was sad. But nothing like he's been the last few days."

  Tracy hardly dared to believe what Emily was telling her. Didn't know how to fit these words into the emotional upheaval her life had gone through over the past few days. Thinking of David brought her pain. But listening to Emily kindled a flicker of hope and love.

  A man who knows how to be faithful.

  The words resonated, grew.

  "Thank you for telling me this," Tracy whispered. With trembling hands, she turned the water back on and finished washing the vegetables. She needed time and space to absorb what Emily had told her.

  Chapter 17

  “Another piece of pie?" Emily asked.

  Tracy put her hand over her full stomach. "It was wonderful, but I've had more than enough."

  "Max, sit down," Jack said as one of the children gathered around the table for supper got up. "We have to have devotions yet."

  "I hear a truck." The little boy ignored his father and then stood up on his chair, looking out the large bay window behind Tracy, and then jumped down. "Uncle David is here," he yelled, grabbing the sliding door to the patio and yanking it open.

  Tracy's heart missed its next beat. Not this soon. She wasn't ready to see David yet. But there was no escape. She was trapped between Harmony, Emily and Jack's daughter, and Kent and couldn't leave.

  "We had pie for dessert, Uncle David," Max was calling, leaning out the sliding doors. "You have to have some."

  Out of the corner of her eye, Tracy caught a glimpse of a large figure, and then the soft rumble of the doors sliding farther open, and then, there he was, his presence taking over the room.

  "Hello, everyone."

  His quiet voice drew her in. It was as if her gaze had its own will, and reluctantly she lifted her head. When their eyes met, their connection was as tangible as a touch.

  "Hey, Tracy." His quietly spoken greeting held a note of intimacy that called to the lonel
y part of her life. A part that he had easily taken over.

  And in that moment of connection, she realized through the pain of seeing him that she still loved him.

  "Sit down, David. You're just in time for some pie." Emily pulled another chair from behind her and set it directly across from Tracy.

  "Sounds great. I could smell it coming up the walk." He sat down, resting his folded arms on the table in front of him, looking perfectly at ease.

  Tracy glanced sidelong at Kent, but he was busy with a little car, pushing it along a fold in the tablecloth. No help there.

  "Do anything interesting today?" Jack was asking David.

  "Not really. A lot of farmers are out in the fields harvesting, so that makes the large-animal practice slower." David took a plate from Emily, and as he smiled his thanks, Tracy's gaze collided with his.

  "And how are you doing, Tracy?" David asked, pitching his voice a little lower, as if drawing her to him.

  "I'm okay," she said, her voice noncommittal. Emily's words resonated in her mind. A faithful man. David was a faithful man.

  She needed time to absorb it all.

  Then Emily frowned, looking past her through the window behind them.

  "Now who's here?" Emily asked, pushing herself away from the table, looking out the window.

  The children, instantly curious, half twisted in their chairs or got up to see.

  A tall, thin woman came weaving up the stairs of the deck. Her hip-hugging blue jeans clung to her legs, exposing an expanse of belly that made Tracy shiver. The woman tugged a bright-pink T-shirt down over her navel ring and ran her fingers through stringy brown hair.

  "Juanita," Emily said with a light sigh, even as Kent jumped up from his chair, calling his mother's name.

  Juanita cupped her hands around her face and pressed it against the window. Then she smiled a loopy smile and tried to pull open the door.

  "Mommy. Mommy. It's my mommy," Kent said, fairly dancing beside his chair in excitement as Emily slid the door open.

  Disgust slivered through Tracy as Juanita almost fell into the house, her glassy and unfocused eyes flipping around the room and finally resting on Kent.