It's Wrong for Me to Love You

by Krystal Armstead

  Jamie got up from the bar, taking the glass from my hands. “Shorty, you shouldn’t even be drinkin’, man. What the fuck, yo? Since when did you start drinkin’? Since when did you start dressing like this? Since when did you start going to strip clubs? Since when did you fuck your own friend’s boyfriend? Are you high, yo? You’ve been smokin’ too? Man, this is not the Ne’Vaeh that I used to know.”

  “Well, I know I’m drunk, but if I remember correctly, you invited me to this club, Jamie!” I pushed him in his chest. “Yeah, I drink, I smoke, and I go to the clubs every now and then. Do you think I meant to fall in love with Charlie’s boyfriend? I waited for you, Jamie! I hadn’t had sex in four fuckin’ years! So before you go thinkin’ I turned into some fuckin’ ho when you left, I didn’t! I fell in love with Aaron, yes, but he pursued me, not the other way around! You wanna judge me, then go ahead, Jamie. But remember, your shit stinks too, muthafucka! You and Charlie wanna sit here and judge me, but if I can remember correctly, you two were professional hoes back in high school! There wasn’t a guy Charlie hadn’t fucked back then! And you started having sex around the age of thirteen! Charlie was the one sleeping around, chasin’ niggas before Aaron came along, but I’m the groupie? Jamie, she called me your fuckin’ groupie! A groupie?” I laughed aloud. I was so pissed off.

  Jamie shook his head at me. “Shorty, you’re drunk. Let me take you home.”

  “Was I really your groupie, Jamie?” I looked into his face.

  He shook his head, lookin’ down at me. “You gonna let what Charlie said to you out of anger have you questioning what you know you meant to me?”

  “What I know I meant to you? Are you serious? Jamie, you left me the day your father came in town! You didn’t even say good-bye! You just left, then tried to explain to me over the phone why you left me! You talked me into having sex with you, when you knew I wasn’t ready; then you just up and bounced!” I pushed him in his chest.

  Jamie sighed. “There’s more to it and you know it, shorty. My father was sick. He had just come into my life. I hadn’t seen him since I was about three years old. He needed help. He needed me to stay with him. My father, who I had never known, wanted to get to know me, so I left. I tried explaining the situation, but you wouldn’t listen. I know you needed me, but my father needed me too. What was I supposed to do?”

  I didn’t know his father was sick. He never told me. He never mentioned anything about his father coming to get him. When he called me on the phone and tried to explain why he left me, I really didn’t even give him the chance to explain. All I knew was that when I woke up the morning after we had sex, he wasn’t lying next to me. Whatever reason he had for leaving me alone in his bed, staring at an empty closet, I couldn’t have cared less back then.

  I shook my head at him. “Follow your heart, which is exactly what you did.”

  Jamie shook his head back at me. “Ne’Vaeh, you know what you meant to me back then. I have known you since we were in day care. We were the best of homies for years before we started dating, shorty. Yeah, I messed around with a few females before we started officially dating. Yeah, I had a few girls still trying to holla, even when they knew me and you were dating. Yeah, I know I didn’t make it easy for you to be with me. Yeah, I know I left you when you had a lot goin’ on, but I had a lot goin’ on too, shorty. You meant the fuckin’ world to me.”

  I shook my head, trying to walk away from him, but he grabbed my arm, pulling me back to him. I looked into his face.

  Jamie’s eyes searched mine. “I had a lot of pressure comin’ from all angles back then, so don’t think I just up and left you because I wanted to leave. I never knew my father, and he was askin’ me to come and stay with him. He was sick and doctors were saying he wasn’t gonna make it past a year. It was a blessing that Pops lived a lot longer than doctors said that he would. He’s hangin’ on by a thread, but he’s still here with me. Ne’Vaeh, you know, I have never had the support I needed from my family. You may not have had your mom’s support, but you had support from your aunts, your cousins, and Charlie’s family. Shit, even Darrick Allan and his wife have been helping you ever since he found out that y’all were related. I didn’t have that shit, Ne’Vaeh. I always had to work ten times harder than anyone else to have anything, and you know that.”

  I looked up into his face.

  Jamie held my face in his hands. “I’m goin’ through a lot right now, shorty, and I need you, Ne’Vaeh.”

  My heart jumped in my chest. I took his hands from my face. His touch always sent a jolt of energy straight to my heart. My heart and mind were already in conflict enough. I didn’t need Jamie confusing me any more than I already was. I turned to walk away.

  Jamie caught my hand, pulling me back to him just when the DJ played “Heart Attack.” “C’mon, shorty, let’s dance.” He held my hand, leading me out onto the dance floor.

  I tried to pull from him, but he pulled me close against his chest. Oh my goodness, his smell was still intoxicating. He wrapped his hands around my waist. I was reluctant to glide to the music along with him, but he really gave me no choice. The people around us, cheering us on, really didn’t help much either. Seemed as though every guy followed suit, grabbing a girl, bringing her out onto the dance floor. I wrapped my arms around Jamie’s body, just in time to see Charlie and Aaron coming onto the dance floor. That damn song was the perfect theme song to my emotions at that moment. I felt like I was having a heart attack. I could feel Jamie’s heart beating in his chest. I could hear the air circulating in his lungs. Aaron caught sight of me in Jamie’s arms. Our eyes met for a few seconds before looking away.

  “Shorty, I missed you,” Jamie whispered softly in my ear, lips grazing against my skin a little.

  Chills trickled up and down my spine. I looked up at him. I had to get out of there. Aaron’s presence was something I really couldn’t handle at the moment, and there I was, embraced by Jamie’s arms, still feeling like I was in Aaron’s.

  Jamie looked down at me, looking at the uncomfortable expression on my face. He looked up, in Aaron’s direction. He laughed a little to himself. “So, you’re in love with your best friend’s boyfriend? How’s that working out for you?”

  Oh my goodness, he always had such a smart-ass mouth. What really made me mad about some of the rude shit he said was that there was always some truth to his statements.

  “Why do you say the shit that you say, Jamie? Are you laughing at my pain?” I shook my head at him, looking up into his pretty brown eyes.

  Jamie shook his head. “Nah, shorty, I’m not laughing at you. I’m pissed when I really shouldn’t be. The nigga would have never even gotten the chance to steal what was mine if I wouldn’t have left you here. I should have taken you with me. I must’ve been real stupid thinkin’ that one of the finest girls in our high school was gonna sit around, waiting on me, trying to figure out whether I was ever gonna come back. I just thought that I held the only key to your heart, but I guess you had a spare.”

  I knew Aaron was watching me. I could just feel him staring at me, but I refused to look. I quickly dried my face. I started to feel pressure in my chest, but I tried to ignore it. “I shut everyone off when you left, Jamie. I didn’t want anything to do with love. Love feels like a fuckin’ heart attack, especially when the one you love leaves you when you need him most, when the one you love is in a relationship with someone else, or when the one you love kills your brother!” I held my hand over my heart, feeling the room beginning to spin around me. My knees started to tremble, and my body grew weaker. Suddenly, I couldn’t breathe.

  Jamie looked down into my face, feeling my weight on him as my knees gave out from under me. “Ne’Vaeh, shorty, are you okay?” He held my body tightly up against his.

  I shook my head, words slurring. “Help me.”

  Chapter 11

  His Place

  Ne’Vaeh

  The next thing I remember, I was waking up to the sound of beeping. I was in a t
riage in the emergency room. A nurse stood over me typing on a computer. I looked to the right to see Renée, Alisha, Jamie, Kristina, and Kelissa. I sat up in the bed. Renée rushed over to my side once she saw that I was awake.

  “OMG, cuz!” She threw her arms around me. “You scared me, passing out on the dance floor! Twice in one week, Ne’Vaeh? You gotta start taking care of yourself!”

  I looked over her shoulder at Jamie, who sat in a chair looking right back at me, eyes dampened.

  “I’m okay, Renée,” I whispered.

  Renée let go of me, looking into my face. She shook her head. “No, sweetie, you’re not. You haven’t been taking your medication, you’ve been drinkin’ your ass off all week, and you’ve been stressed! I should have never taken you to that fuckin’ party. I’m sorry! I don’t know what I was thinkin’!”

  I looked up at the nurse. “Ma’am, I’m fine. Can I please go back to my dorm?”

  The nurse looked at me, shaking her head. “No, honey, I’m afraid the doctor is admitting you for further testing. Your blood pressure is extremely high. Sweetie, you’re already aware that you have a weak heart. You have to take it easy. You have had numerous surgeries to repair the holes in your heart, but your heart is still weak. Your left atrium isn’t working properly, which puts even more pressure on the right side of your heart. We’re ordering a stress test for you in the morning. Depending on the results, that will determine on how long you will be here. Sweetie, the blood is not flowing through your heart properly. Your friends sitting here with you now really care about you. They brought you here tonight. Just be thankful they did.”

  My eyes watered as I sat back in the bed. I knew my health was coasting downhill. I often ignored my doctors. I had stopped taking the heart medication and started drinking. My heart was broken, literally. Story of my fuckin’ life.

  The nurse left the room after getting a technician to start an IV. I was admitted to the hospital that night and moved to another room. Kristina and Kelissa had to leave that morning around 4:30, but Renée, Alisha, and Jamie stayed. I really need to be alone and wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone, but they wouldn’t leave me. My stress test was that morning. It was abnormal. Apparently, my heart was still weak, even after numerous surgeries. See what I mean—once the heart is broken, it can never be completely repaired.

  Renée was so upset, she couldn’t stop crying. Alisha tried to console her. Jamie sat on the sofa, leaned back in the chair, not really sure what to say to me. The doctors debated whether to keep me in the hospital for a few weeks, or send me home under a nurse’s supervision. The only problem was that home was my college campus dorm room.

  “Ne’Vaeh, I think you should move back in with me.” Renée dried her face. “I’m moving into a new apartment this week, and we should move in together. You need someone to help you with your medication.”

  I shook my head at her. “No, I don’t, Renée. The doctors just said that I could stay here in the hospital for a few weeks to be monitored. I really don’t wanna stay in an apartment with you. I don’t feel like dealing with you and that dude of yours making out and damn near fuckin’ in front of me, Renée!”

  Renée shook her head at me, drying her tears. “Ne’Vaeh, me and Russell ain’t that fuckin’ bad. Okay, so we may kiss and touch a little, but no clothes ever came off in front of you!”

  I rolled my eyes. “Renée, I’m not moving in with you!”

  “I don’t give a fuck what you say, Ne’Vaeh. By the time you leave this hospital, your shit is gonna be at my mama’s house!” she exclaimed.

  I sat up in the bed, furious with her. “Renée, oh my goodness! I am so sick and tired of you acting like you’re my fuckin’ mom! You’re not my mother! Got-damn, I don’t need a fuckin’ mother! I need fuckin’ space! I am so tired of everyone telling me what I need! I’m tired of everyone telling me what they think I should do! How about everyone get their lives straight before they go trying to straighten up mine! You can’t undo the holes in my heart, Renée! The damage has already been done! You’re twenty-six years old. You need to worry about trying to get and keep a man instead of trying to live vicariously through your nineteen-year-old cousin! I love you, Renée, but you are smothering me! I don’t need a fuckin’ babysitter! I need you to back the fuck off! Get a life of your own and stay the fuck out of mine!”

  Renée’s eyes swelled up with tears. She stood from the chair.

  Alisha grabbed her arm. “Renée, she didn’t mean it. It’s all these pain meds they have her on.” Alisha looked at me. “Nobody could really be that ungrateful after everything that you’ve done for her. Cutie, what’s wrong with you?”

  I didn’t mean to make my cousin cry. “I appreciate everything, Renée, you know I do. But you have to stop trying to run my life,” I exclaimed.

  “Life? You call this a life? You sittin’ here, heart bleeding over your best friend’s boyfriend! He used the girl to get to you, instead of steppin’ to you like a real man!” Renée exclaimed. “You push everyone away in your life who gives a fuck about you! I may be a little hard on you. I may be a little overprotective of my baby cousin. I may push you to be the very best that you can be. I know I’m not your mother. Shit, your damn mama isn’t your fuckin’ mother! I helped raise you, Ne’Vaeh, so don’t you ever in your fuckin’ life disrespect me again!”

  “I’m sorry!” I apologized.

  Renée dried her face. “I’m goin’ to your dorm room to get your shit. Now you can either give me the key now, or I’ll just go home and get the copy I made a few months ago.”

  “Renée?” Jamie spoke up.

  “What?” she snapped, going over to the nightstand to pick up her purse.

  Jamie looked at me.

  I looked up at him.

  “She can stay at my crib.”

  Renée’s eyes lit up. “With you? Aren’t you goin’ back to Memphis tomorrow?”

  Jamie shook his head. “Nah, I mean, I don’t have to go, shorty.”

  Alisha rolled her eyes. “Jamie, please. Why you wanna stay here in Maryland three months before you’re supposed to be here? You tryin’ to keep tabs on Ne’Vaeh or somethin’?”

  Jamie just looked at her, not feeling the need to respond.

  “Mr. Panty Dropper, won’t your groupies be mad if you have a girl living up in your house? Oh no, forget the groupies—what about Pamela, your girlfriend?” Alisha folded her arms.

  I looked at her. Oh, she was “Team Aaron” all the way. She never really cared for Jamie too much. She always thought he had too many hoes.

  Jamie laughed to himself. “You know, Alisha, you always were a fuckin’ instigator. You know it was over with Pamela months ago.”

  Alisha rolled her eyes. “Whateva, nigga. I just call ’em how I see ’em. You want Ne’Vaeh to stay with you, why? Just so you can keep an eye on her? Just so you can make sure she doesn’t go tiptoeing back to Aaron?”

  “Shorty, you need to mind your own fuckin’ business. I know you don’t like me, and I really don’t give a fuck. But this isn’t about me. This isn’t about you. It’s about her. I haven’t seen shorty in four years, and the day that I actually get to talk to her again, she passes out in my arms, man. Come to find out she stopped taking her heart medication. Alisha, I was the one who held her hand six years ago before she went into heart surgery. I was the one who held her hand in eighth grade when they told her that her heart was failing. I cried for her because she was too numb to cry about it herself. She’s been hurt her entire life by the people that she loved the most, myself included.” Jamie sounded sincere, as if he really cared about me, as if he was really sorry for what he had done.

  I bit my lip to keep from crying out.

  Jamie looked at me. “I just wanna be here for you, shorty. I already have two live-in nurses scheduled to move in the house this week, preparing for my dad to get here tonight. He was sick of Memphis and wanted to come up here a few months early. You’re welcome to stay, shorty. You won’t ev
en know I’m there, I promise. This is the least I can do, shorty. C’mon.”

  I looked at Renée.

  She nodded. Of course, she would be all for it. She always was a fan of Jamie’s. To tell you the truth, if she was a few years younger, she probably would’ve been all on him. “I see no problem with that,” Renée shrugged.

  Alisha rolled her eyes. “Oh my goodness.” She grabbed her purse. “Renée? Really?”

  Renée rolled her eyes back, going over to my purse to get my dorm room key. “What the fuck you mean ‘really’? Yeah, really. What, you expect Aaron to drop by and take her back to his crib? How would Charlie feel about that? A man who’d fuck his girl’s best friend is no fuckin’ hero. I don’t see anything wrong with Jamie helping Ne’Vaeh. They have known each other forever. Yeah, he left her, but now he’s back, just in time. She needs him.”

  I looked at Jamie.

  “Y’all muthafuckas crazy! ‘She needs him’? Are you serious? I don’t think she’s gonna need a house full of bitches every night! This isn’t sweet, high school, popular Jamie. This is star quarterback, fuck-you-you-you-and-you Jamie! Y’all are making a huge mistake!” Alisha exclaimed.

  Jamie couldn’t care less about Alisha’s attitude problem. “I just wanna take care of you, Ne’Vaeh. Fuck that shit Alisha’s talkin’ about. I’ve known you since we were in day care, shorty. I know I haven’t been here in a while, but I’m here now. I’m not trying to disrupt your life or control your life in any way. I just wanna be here for you. Can I do that?”