By the time he pushed inside, they were both on fire, both damp with sweat.
And with every thrust into her sweet body, three words pulsed in his mind like the blood pounding through his heart.
I love you. I love you. I love you.
Chapter 24
Hours later, JT slipped out of bed. He should be exhausted and he was, but he couldn’t sleep. He walked through the cabin until he stood on the porch looking out at the dark. It must be nearing morning because the moon that had been so bright before was gone. He could barely make out the woods he knew began several yards from the cabin.
He wondered how Casey was, hoped she was sleeping soundly. He had a sudden urge to call his brother to make sure she was okay, but that would be crazy. If she wasn’t, Stephen would call him. Besides, that was something a parent would do and he wasn’t. He wasn’t her father. So why did he feel so strongly that he should be?
How could it ever be right for him to have it now when he hadn’t wanted it then? How could he want a child, this child, so badly when he hadn’t wanted his own?
What kind of person doesn’t want their own child?
He didn’t know. Or maybe he was afraid he did.
“Hey.”
He turned at the sound of Paige’s voice. Wearing his T-shirt that hung to mid-thigh, she crossed the short distance and slipped her arms around him.
“Hey.” He kissed her upturned face, feeling immediately lighter.
“Couldn’t sleep?”
“I thought I heard my phone, thought it might be Stephen.”
“Was it?”
“No.” Wondering if there was anything on under the shirt, he slipped his hands under the soft cotton.
Paige smiled. “What are you looking for?”
“Mmm. I don’t know, but I found something.” He traced his fingers around the edges of her panties.
“Maybe you can lose them later.” He kissed her again deeply and when the kiss ended, he led her over to the porch swing and pulled her into his lap.
She settled against his chest and he rocked them gently with his foot. They stayed that way awhile, just sitting and rocking. He soaked in the feeling of holding her while her short nails stroked over the arm he had wrapped around her waist.
“Did your parents really forget a kid at the skating rink?”
“That’s the story.”
“I really like them. Your dad especially.”
He made a low sound of agreement and kept rocking. What kind of dad would he be? He’d like to be as great as his own. He’d like to be that man for Casey. Because he loved her and because she deserved it.
The wind made a soft whooshing sound through the tops of the highest pines, and though he hated it, he had to ask. “Do you think Casey’s father will ever try to see her?”
“No,” she said without pause. “I don’t. I didn’t talk to him after that night. I saw him around town a couple of times, once when I was really pregnant. If he suspected it was his, he never said anything. At the time I didn’t care. I never wanted to see him again and I had enough to deal with.
“A week after she was born, I went to his house so he could see her, just for Casey’s sake, just in case he really didn’t know. Though I’m sure he did. It was a small town.”
“And?”
“And it wasn’t exactly a Hallmark moment. A girl answered the door. She had a cigarette in her mouth, wearing a tank top and panties. She looked me up and down, asked me who the hell I was. Then Gary came to the door and…he wasn’t interested.” Her fingers were still on his arm.
“He never knew about her leg. I thank God for that. Just in case Casey ever asked me, I can honestly say it had nothing to do with that. Her father was just a selfish asshole. He didn’t want her. First he said she wasn’t his, then he said even if she was, he didn’t want her. So I left.”
Paige had no idea that the breath had been knocked from his chest by his own past. His heart raced, the blood pounded in his ears. He carefully lifted her from his lap and set her on the swing beside him. He desperately wanted to get up, put distance between them, but he couldn’t move. He felt physically ill.
“Jake?” She laid a hand on his thigh. “It’s nothing to be upset about. I thank God he’s not in her life.”
He couldn’t speak for a long time, staring at his leg like it was the source of all evil. A vivid reminder of what he’d done, who he’d been. Even more blatant when he raised his eyes to Paige, so beautiful, so responsible and unselfish. She looked at him like he was a hero, and it was eating a hole right through him. “Do you want to know how I lost my leg?”
“You said it was a car accident.”
Even with the uncertainty in her voice, she didn’t take her reassuring hand from his leg. “It was, but I didn’t say my girlfriend was in the car, that I was driving. Or that she’d just told me she was pregnant.” He shook his head, wishing so badly he could make it go away.
“What happened?”
“I was nineteen, just home from college for a few days for my brother’s wedding and…I didn’t want it. Any of it. To be a husband, to be a father, not then, at the time I thought maybe never. That wasn’t my plan.” He forced himself to meet her eyes. “I was paying more attention to this blow to my plans than the road. It was my fault. I wrecked the car and she lost the baby. It was early and…she lost it. Because of me.”
“Jake.” She said his name softly, lovingly, in a way he knew he didn’t deserve.
“I look at Casey and I think…how could I not have wanted that? What’s wrong with me that I didn’t want that? I’m just like Casey’s—”
“No. You’re not.” Wearing only his T-shirt, she straddled his lap and took his face in her hands. “It’s not the same. How long did you have to process what she told you? A minute? A second? Gary had nine months to think about it. He saw her, he could have held her, but he didn’t want to. Can you honestly tell me that you would have looked in your child’s eyes and wished them away? Not wanted them? Not cared about them and loved them?”
“I don’t know.” He met her eyes. “I don’t know.” And that was the problem. Because how could he know?
“Well, I know. I know at least that much. Your words didn’t kill the baby, Jake. Not your words or your thoughts. It was a horrible accident that came at a horrible moment. What if she hadn’t told you while you were driving? What if she’d told you in a different way? A better way?”
Funny, he’d never thought of that. He’d only thought if he had been different. If he had been better.
She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and laid her cheek on top of his head. “Did you ever even let yourself grieve?”
“I don’t deserve to.”
“Yes, you do,” she whispered against his head. She slid her fingers through his hair and pulled his head to her breast. “A child and the idea of a child are very different things. Don’t you think I felt the same way? Do you think I was thrilled at the prospect of being a mother? Do you think everyone who finds out they’re having a baby, especially an unplanned baby, is excited about it?”
Yeah. He had. Figured all normal, loving human beings were ecstatic about the imminent birth of their baby.
“Don’t you see it? The fact that you want to grieve, that you’re still beating yourself up? That even after all this time it’s still hard for you to come home. That should tell you what I already know.”
Still straddling his lap, she took his face again, pressed her sweet lips to his forehead, his cheeks, and he squeezed his eyes closed against the threatening tears.
“Jake,” she whispered and brushed her thumbs over his closed eyelids. “Let it go. You have to let it go.” She continued raining kisses over him until she reached his lips.
He couldn’t resist her. With his hands in her hair, he pulled her down, crushed his mouth to hers. Clutched at her, desperate for her. “I need you.”
“You have me.”
Chapter 25
While
Paige and Casey were busy with another ride, JT drove to his parents’ house as he’d promised his mom. He’d only been back to the house he’d grown up in a handful of times. When he arrived, his mom was out back with his dad, so he took a minute to go upstairs.
Not much had changed in his old room since high school. Same dark furniture, same blue bedspread and curtains. Much of the football memorabilia had been removed, but his trophies remained. He picked one up from his dresser. VIRGINIA STATE CHAMPIONS MOST VALUABLE PLAYER. God, he’d loved playing football. Everything about it. The smell of grass and leather. The uniform and the sweat. Even the bruises. He’d been in his element.
He hated that beyond the loss of it, the memories, the happiness of being on the field, felt tainted now. His love of football and drive toward his dreams had played a large part in his reaction to Rachel’s news. That’s what he avoided here. All that he had been, what he had wanted. And what he hadn’t wanted.
But, of course, he didn’t need to be here to be reminded of it or the selfish person he’d been that day.
“Knock, knock.”
He turned and found his mother in the doorway. “You always did have a quiet walk.” They’d called it the death glide because she’d been so good at catching them in the act of doing something they shouldn’t have.
“Your old room,” she said, looking around, then sitting on the edge of his bed. “My last baby to leave the nest.”
He sat down beside her and stared across the room at his reflection over the dresser. Being in this room of his past, and looking at this older version of himself…it was somehow more clear than ever before he wasn’t the same man. That wasn’t the same reflection that had stared back at him years ago. He could literally feel the confidence and cockiness that had filled him then. The impatience and eagerness.
“I know I probably smothered you a bit after the accident. But…,” she held out her hands. “You were my baby.”
“I know. I get that now.” He did. He couldn’t imagine something happening to Casey, having to stand by and watch her hurting.
She rubbed his back lightly just like she’d done when he was a boy. “How are you?”
“I’m good, Mom.”
“You look good.” His mother studied him the way mothers do. “Does Paige have anything to do with that?”
“Probably.”
His mom sent him a knowing smile. “She seems like a sweet girl. And Casey, my goodness, what a cutie.”
He nodded.
“You know, I was afraid you were avoiding relationships after the accident. I wondered too if…if maybe it had something to do with Rachel.”
Here it goes. The moment of truth.
“I’ll admit I was angry that she never came by the house after the accident.”
“I didn’t want anyone to come by.”
“I know that, but as a mother, it hurt me, thinking you might be hurting even more than you were. But then she did come by.”
His gaze swung to hers. “Rachel came to see you?”
“Well, she came to see you. After you left. She didn’t know you’d moved.”
He wondered what she’d come to say that she hadn’t already said in the hospital. “What did she say?”
“She told me the two of you broke up. She told me how much she loved you and…I always felt like there was something she wasn’t saying.”
His mom waited silently. She always knew how to wait out her kids. “She didn’t tell you she’d been pregnant?”
“No.”
He laid out the story for his mom, leaving nothing out. It didn’t feel good, but after his talk with Paige he wasn’t as apprehensive about her reaction.
“Jacob.” She brushed the hair back at his temple like he was five. “People say things they don’t mean.”
“But, I did mean it.”
“People mean things in the moment that they don’t mean forever. And people grow, they change. You were young.”
He looked up at her. “You think Dad would have reacted like that? Or Matt or Tony? Or any of them?”
“I don’t know and neither do you. And neither do they. I know how much you looked up to your brothers, but they weren’t perfect. You aren’t perfect. No one is. You had plans, you were shocked.”
Well, he shouldn’t have been that shocked since he’d had unprotected sex with his girlfriend. On top of everything else it was uncomfortable for his mom to know that, to know he was having sex at all. That’s not how he’d been raised.
“How do you know you wouldn’t have changed your mind if things had gone differently? I think you would have. I think after you had time to get used to the idea you would have.”
“That’s what Paige said.”
“So you told her. And how did she react?”
“Like the generous, loving person she is.”
“I’m glad to hear that.”
She hadn’t exactly said she loved him, but she’d taken him back to bed, made love to him like…he didn’t know what. It was hard to explain the connection he felt, too much to assume she felt it too.
“Rachel still lives here. In a neighborhood near Tony and Beth. I’ve seen her a few times, talked to her just briefly. She has her own life now. I wonder if maybe you should talk to her, see her.”
He stared at the beige carpet. “Maybe. But you know…I’ve spent so much time regretting what happened, wishing I could go back and change things, but if I hadn’t lost my leg, I wouldn’t have met Paige. I wouldn’t have found the one person I was meant to be with.”
“Maybe. Or maybe you’ll always find the one you’re meant to be with. A winding road, a hard road, but whatever happens is what brings you to where you’re supposed to be. To who you’re supposed to be with.” She touched his cheek. “And you’re sure you’re supposed to be with Paige?”
“More sure than I’ve ever been in my life.”
—
Sunday morning, Paige stood at the rail with Hannah. Tall grasses leaned in the distance, giving in to the breeze. Three dogs yipped through a paddock, barely gaining notice from the horse grazing there. Casey’s laughter rang out as she chased Mitchell on the playground. She sighed at the perfection of it all.
“I wish she could stay longer,” Hannah said.
“Me too. It’s so beautiful here.”
Hannah gazed out over the field in front of them. “It really is. I love it. You should see it in the fall. I’m serious,” Hannah said, when she didn’t respond. “You really should see it in the fall.”
Paige smiled. Hannah was amazing, truly amazing, and Casey was already in love with her. With the combination of the animals and Hannah’s soothing voice, she could see how much progress a child could make. She’d worked with Casey again this morning and Paige had even been able to help when Hannah found herself shorthanded.
“You know, for someone who hasn’t been around horses much, you’re a natural.”
Hannah’s palomino, Whinny, ambled over to the fence and Paige reached out to rub her forehead. “I always liked them. Had that little-girl dream of having a horse.”
“And you’re obviously good with the kids. Not everyone is able to or comfortable working with special-needs children, but you certainly are. I hate that you worked, though. This is supposed to be a treat for the parents as much as the kids.”
“Are you kidding? This has been the biggest treat. Everything about it.” She’d stepped in yesterday and this morning when one of Hannah’s assistants hadn’t shown and loved every second of it. “And thanks. Coming from you that means a lot.”
“What are your plans?”
“When Casey starts school, I’ll take two classes, three if I can handle that and work.”
“Ever thought about physical therapy?”
“No, I never have.” She patted the horse again and watched Casey fly down the slide. “Honestly, that might be out of my range. Going part-time, that would take me…I don’t know how many years, but too many. And honestly, I don’t
think I could juggle everything I’m juggling for that long.”
She wasn’t even sure what all a degree in physical therapy entailed, but aside from finding a way to pay for it, that would mean even more years without a real job. More years of scraping by. The pressure of real life bore down on her chest. Mini vacation over.
“Well, you know a lot already. Something to think about.”
“Maybe.” Casey let out a happy squeal as she held on to a bar sliding along a low zip line across the middle of the specially designed playground.
“That was Jake’s idea. He dreamed up a lot of that playground, even built the components for several things.”
“Yeah. He’s good at what he does.” He’s good at a lot of things. Her mind drifted back to last night. And again this morning.
“You like him.”
She could feel Hannah looking at her. “Of course I like him.”
She might have doubts about hearts and flowers and a lifelong romance, but she believed in Jake and the man he was.
They’d had another night alone last night after dinner at his parents’ house. Matt and Abby had insisted on taking Casey and a few others to their house to repay Stephen and Hannah. It was good for her, and like Abby had pointed out, it might help with the kindergarten transition. It seemed to have worked. She’d gone on and on this morning about the twins’ uniforms and school supplies.
A van pulled up to the barn and Hannah turned. “Sorry. That’s my next rider.”
“No problem. Thank you so much for everything.” Paige wrapped Hannah in a tight hug. “This really was a dream come true for Casey. And for me. I never could have given her this.”
“You’re welcome. We’ll talk soon.”
Hannah was treating this like more than a quick visit to a camp. In fact, all of Jake’s family seemed to think this was the beginning of a lasting relationship, that they would see her and Casey again. Casey definitely seemed to think so. She had big plans with Cole, who’d lost a tooth last night. The blood had taken Cole to elite status in Casey’s mind.
Worth It All Page 19