by Lindy Zart
Lola wished she could go back in time; Lola wished all of them could. Her pain escalated when she thought of Jack and his life. She just wanted him okay. Lola wanted his mother back in his life and his father gone and he and his sister okay. She wanted him never to have been hit or yelled at or made to feel like he was nothing.
Her sobs turned uncontrollable. Lola wanted to close in on herself, to curl up in a ball and disappear. Awful, heart-wrenching sounds left her. She couldn’t stop. She couldn’t stop them. It was too much.
All of it was too much and Lola was cracking under the strain of holding it all together when all she wanted to do was lie down and never get up, never face any of this again.
Blair wrapped her arms around her and helped her to the floor, where she rocked her back and forth, caressing her hair and saying nothing. Lola clutched her aunt, needing to be comforted, needing to know someone cared.
“Everything’s going to be okay, Lola, I promise,” her aunt told her, her tone soothing.
Lola desperately wanted to believe her.
***
It was cold and rainy the day Lola found herself outside her house. The sky was gray, everything darker than usual. It fit somehow.
She stood on the sidewalk, staring at the tan building that had been a haven at one time and then a prison. No lights shone from the inside. No black car took up the driveway space.
Lola shivered, her jacket protecting her from the damp, but not the chill in the air. She didn’t know why she was there. She supposed it was time to confront her mother, if she wanted to move on.
She slowly walked to the front door, not sure if she knocked or just walked in. Lola knocked. When there was no answer after the third knock, she glanced over her shoulder, and seeing no one watching her, tried the doorknob. It was locked.
Relief and disappointment hit her at the same time. Lola crouched beside a window and put her hands to it, trying to see inside. From what she could see in the darkened living room, it looked the same as it always had. Lola wasn’t sure what she had expected to find; some visible sign of the tragedy that had taken place there, she supposed.
Lola swallowed and moved through the wet grass to the side of the house, pausing next to her mother’s bedroom window. Without warning fear slammed into her and Lola sucked in a sharp breath, hurrying past the window. She stopped near her old room, hand to the house, and hung her head.
Her head snapped up and she studied the window, wondering if it was still unlocked. Lola put her hands to the cool wet glass and pushed up. It opened, her pulse quickening as it slid up.
Before she could change her mind, Lola maneuvered herself through the window and into her bedroom. The room was cool, musty smelling. She glanced around it, emotions strangling her the longer she stood there. Lola blinked her stinging eyes and moved on, into the hallway.
The house seemed empty, disused.
Her heart pounded and Lola had to keep reminding herself that Bob was locked up, he wasn’t there, he couldn’t harm her anymore. She stared at the closed door to her mother’s bedroom, struggling to breathe. Her hand shook as it closed around the doorknob and she slowly pushed the door open.
It was just an unoccupied room with a bed and dresser. But the things that had happened in it, the things that had almost happened in it, had added a darkness to it; a menacing quality.
Lola went through the rest of the house, not sure what she was searching for. Peace, maybe. Closure, definitely. She didn’t find it. In fact, all she found was an empty house.
Her mother was gone.
***
Lola flung her coat down and kicked her shoes off. She stormed up the stairs to Blair’s office, shaking with indignation.
Blair sat at her desk, staring at a computer screen. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail and she wore purple sweats. She turned when she sensed Lola behind her, frowned at her drowned appearance.
“Everything okay?”
“Do you know where my mother is?”
Blair looked down, admitting her guilt without speaking a word.
“You knew she left and you didn’t tell me? Where is she?”
“Lola, she didn’t want you to know,” Blair started.
“Where is she?” Lola demanded. She couldn’t believe her aunt would keep such information from her. She’d been agonizing over her mother’s absence, wondering why she’d stayed away, and Blair had known. All this time she’d known she was gone.
Her aunt got to her feet. “She’s in a mental institution. Lana admitted herself the day after…after what happened to you. She’s sick, Lola, she has been for a long time. Lana suffers from depression and it’s gotten worse, gotten debilitating, since she married Bob. She’s getting the help she needs, so she can be a mother to you again.”
Lola swayed on her feet, bumped into the doorframe and stayed there, allowing it to support her. She didn’t know what she felt. Lola didn’t know what she should feel.
“Are you saying,” she began in a voice that trembled, “that all this time I’ve been wondering why she’s hasn’t been to see me, she’s been in some hospital? Why didn’t she call me, or write? Why hasn’t she contacted me in any way?”
“I don’t know, Lola.” She shrugged helplessly, sorrow etched into her features. “I only know what I was told.” Blair crossed the room, grabbed Lola’s arms. “But I know she’s doing it for you, Lola, she’s there for you. She filed for divorce from Bob; I also was told the house will be going up for sale soon.”
Lola stared at her aunt. “How do you know these things?”
“Social Services keeps in contact with her per her request and they relay the information on to me.”
“You could have told me.”
“It was Lana’s wish that I not tell you. I don’t know why. But…I wasn’t going to lie to you if you asked me outright. I’m sorry, Lola.”
Her mother loved her. She hadn’t abandoned her.
Lola started to cry and then the tears turned into laughter. “I thought she stopped loving me. I thought she didn’t want me anymore.” She wiped her eyes. “I feel…relief, maybe? I don’t know what I feel. Better somehow. Isn’t that crazy?”
Blair kissed her forehead. “It would be crazy if you didn’t. Come on, let’s get some warm clothes on you and some hot chocolate into you.”
***
She had gained some weight back. Lola’s cheeks weren’t so hollowed out; her ribs didn’t stick out quite so far. Blair tried and tried, but the woman just couldn’t cook to save her soul. Lola had slowly taken that over. Both of them were okay with it. Blair’s food experiments still continued; and continued to fail as well, but it was fun to have something to do together.
Lola’s mom couldn’t be replaced, flaws and all, but it was starting to not hurt quite so much. Blair had made a home for her, was her family, and took wonderful care of her. She was such a loving, sweet person.
Piper and Larry had even adopted her and slept with her every night. Her two security blankets against the night and all the scary things it held for Lola. The fur balls eased her anxiety, made her feel a little safer. Maybe it was dumb, but it worked.
School was over in two weeks. Things were still unsteady and at times awkward with Sebastian and Rachel, who were dating, but getting better. Apparently they’d started to talk more over the past year, both commiserating over Lola shutting them out, and had formed a bond.
After Sebastian wizened up and dumped Roxanne, Rachel took on a whole new meaning for him. He saw the light and the light was Rachel.
Lola was happy for them.
She dressed in jean shorts and a hot pink tank top, pulling her hair into a high ponytail. Wavy auburn wisps fell out and framed her face. Lola’s face finally had no stitches to mar it, no bruises to discolor it. She smiled at her reflection in the bathroom and twirled out of the cerulean blue room.
It was Saturday. Lola had the day off from work and she had plans to do nothing but relax, maybe write. Lola grabbed t
he folder from the coffee table.
She walked into the kitchen, inhaling coffee and something banana-y. Blair was at the stove, flipping pancakes. Some were black, others runny. Not a single golden brown one to be found.
“Banana pumpkin pancakes. Want to try one?” Lola didn’t have a chance to answer when Blair said, “Yeah. Me either.” She turned the burner off. “How about some toast with peanut butter and honey?”
“Sounds great, Blair.”
“At least I can make coffee,” she mumbled to herself, scratching the butt of her purple pajama pants with a spatula caked in pancake batter.
Lola held in a smile, but it was hard. She poured herself a cup of coffee, carefully sipping it as she eyed her aunt’s latest creation. Or miscreation.
“What’s on the agenda for today?”
“I thought I’d sit out back and write.”
“Good idea! Mind if I join you? I seriously need to get some writing down before I get fired.” They both knew she was indispensable to W, the woman’s magazine Blair wrote for, and the thought of her being terminated would never, ever cross her boss’s mind.
“Not at all. What’s the topic this month?”
“Boxers or briefs for men. I mean, really? You’d think there’d be something more worthwhile to interest women than what kind of underwear their men wear. Apparently not.”
Blair handed Lola a plate with toast on it. She looked down and noticed she was covered in pancake batter and sighed. “I’ll take a shower and meet you out back.”
She juggled her coffee, plate, and folder in her arms and went to the backyard. The sun was hot and Lola was glad she’d thought to put on sunscreen and sunglasses. Her pale skin had a slight glow to it from the fire in the sky and that was all the luminosity she wanted.
Any quiet time turned her thoughts to Jack and today was no exception. Lola set her stuff down on the bench and took a cleansing breath of air. A week had passed and things continued to be stilted between them and she still had no idea why. It was like they were stuck in limbo, never retreating nor advancing.
There were brief moments when everything was in sync and perfect between them and it was wonderful. The next moment they were clashing, misunderstanding each other, turning away from one another.
She hated it. Lola didn’t know how to change it. So many times she opened her mouth to tell him how she felt about him, but he was so distant and almost unapproachable, and she was so scared he didn’t feel the same as she did. From how he was acting, he couldn’t. Lola was afraid to take a chance on him, especially when he didn’t seem willing to take one on her.
Better knowing than always wondering.
Lola opened the folder and stared at the depressing words that used to make up her life. She didn’t want to write about that anymore. Lola wanted to write about hope, about happiness.
She wanted to write about Jack. A smile on her lips, she brought the pen to the paper. If she couldn’t tell him what he meant to her, maybe she could show him.
Safe And Sound
When I’m lost and can’t find my way,
When the monsters are too close and I can’t breathe,
When hope is gone and desolation threatens to drown me,
When I can’t go on,
When I need someone to be there for me,
When I smile,
When I cry,
When I laugh,
When I’m consumed by emotions I don’t understand,
When I love,
You’re there; you’re my safe and sound,
You’re my safe and sound.
***
Lola turned to close the door, excited and nervous at the same time. She was going to tell Jack how she felt about him, finally. Doubts pulled her toward the safety of the house, but she pushed them away.
Now or never, Lola.
She looked up and reared back, instantly wary. It was another scorcher of a day, but just the sight that greeted Lola was enough to make her go cold.
“Hi.” Roxanne said, trying to smile and grimacing instead.
She stood on the last step to the porch, posed as though about to flee, but stiff and unmoving, like she was forcing herself not to. Her fiery red hair was braided; she had on minimal makeup, and wore a plain white tee shirt and khaki shorts. To put it plainly, she looked nothing like herself.
Lola brushed hair damp with perspiration from her brow, hand crumpling the sheet of paper within it. She shoved it into her back pocket and met Roxanne’s somber gaze.
“You should go. I don’t need any more stitches.”
Roxanne looked away, throat convulsing as she swallowed. “I’m really sorry about that,” she said quietly. She hugged herself as she looked at Lola, as though gathering strength from her own embrace.
“You must hate me.”
Lola studied her pale, forlorn features. She felt many things, but none of them were hate. Roxanne’s treatment of her had been so insignificant compared to everything else going on in her life.
“No. I feel bad for you.”
Roxanne snorted. “That’s so like you. You’ve always been a good person, even to those who don’t deserve it. Like me. It’s annoying, really.” Roxanne wiped her eyes and took a deep breath.
“I’m sorry about the way I treated you. I had no idea what you were going through at home. Not that that matters. I shouldn’t have been mean to you no matter what.
“Most of all, I’m sorry I lost someone I love…” Roxanne’s lower lip trembled and she bit it, blinking her eyes. “Because of my actions…because I was jealous of you and hurtful and unlovable. Now I have to live with that. Live without Sebastian.”
She took a staggering breath. Tears trailed down her face, Roxanne uncaring of them as she kept eye contact with Lola. “I’m not worthy of it, not yet, but can you…forgive me? Please?”
Lola’s heart twisted as she stared at the broken girl standing before her; strong enough to admit she’d wronged Lola and asking to be forgiven.
She had just evolved in so many ways, so many wonderful, wonderful ways. Respect for her budded inside Lola.
Roxanne was going to be okay.
She moved for her and Roxanne flinched. Lola lightly hugged her, Roxanna’s perfume enveloping her back.
“I forgive you.” Lola paused. “But I do need to even the score.”
Roxanne pulled back, face drawn in fright. “What?”
“Just kidding.”
“Oh.” The relief on her face was comical. “Would you…like to hang out sometime or something?”
“Now you’re pushing it,” Lola said with a smile.
“Yeah. I suppose I am. So…I guess I’ll see you.” Roxanne turned and headed down the street.
Lola watched her go, marveling at the way people could change. She was an expert on that. If she’d never met Jack, she wouldn’t be the way she was. If events hadn’t taken her in the direction they had, she never would have met him. It was strange how things worked out.
She closed her eyes, stomach swirling, and went for a walk.
***
A fine sheen of sweat covered Lola’s skin when she reached their spot. Her throat was dry and she wished she would have thought to bring a bottle of water. Unruly locks of hair had fallen from her ponytail and were plastered to the sides of her face.
Not exactly how she wanted to present herself, but it didn’t matter because he wasn’t there. A warm breeze fluttered her hair in her eyes and she absently pushed it away, examining the rock and surrounding trees.
She reached out and ran her fingers along the jagged and smooth cool stone. How could an inanimate object hold so much meaning to her? This was the place where she’d been reborn, where Lola had found a reason to keep living. This was where she’d met Jack for the first time.
A rueful smile turned her lips upward. She remembered him now. He’d been so defensive, shoulders hunched, and the cruel words he’d spewed had allowed tears to flow more freely that had desperately needed
to. It was odd how it had actually been cathartic, in some twisted way.
She remembered how he’d flinched, eyes tragic, features contorted in misery and regret. His lip had been split, a bruise on his cheekbone. Jack’s sorrow and anger had touched her in an unexplainable way. Even then she’d sensed something about him.
Too bad she’d blocked pretty much everything about that day from her mind for months. She wished she could block out that last night in her mother’s house from her mind as well.
Bob’s court date was in two weeks.
She closed her eyes and took a shuddering breath, pressing her forehead against the stone, her heated flesh cooling against it. She spontaneously pulled herself up the rock, scraping her hands and knees in the process, and sat down. The sun beat against her back, through the light material of her hot pink tank top.
Lola pulled her knees to her chest and watched birds and squirrels navigate through the forest, finding solace in nature; the woodsy smell relaxing. She breathed deeply, in and out, as Blair had taught her through the yoga exercises they did together every other day.
It was hard to believe she only had one more school year left and she could leave Morgan Creek and all the bad memories. Lola swallowed, thinking of her mother. She had a lot of good memories of her too and she tried not to let the bad overshadow the good. Her mom’s absence made it hard to think that way.
She wanted to see her.
Blair told her to let herself heal, to focus on herself for a while and no one else. Lola couldn’t do it. She couldn’t entirely heal until she had answers. There were so many things she didn’t understand.
There was Jack and his sister and their situation and all the intense emotions he made her feel. There was the fear of Bob that never completely left her. There was the pain in her chest each time she thought of her mom.
Her dreams, her life, everything had been put on pause this past year. Every day had been solely set on surviving, more mentally than physically. Until the end. She shivered. He’d almost succeeded; he’d almost broken her. Lola blinked her eyes and made herself think of other stuff; of her future.