by Lindy Zart
Then there was the Child Protective Service worker who was performing the background checks on Blair to make sure she was fit to be Lola’s guardian and Lola was safe in her care.
It had been a huge relief to learn she wouldn’t have to testify in court. Lola never wanted to see Bob Holden’s ugly face again.
But her mother…it hurt so bad Lola couldn’t breathe when she thought of her.
Lola blinked her eyes as tears formed and tried to focus on her homework.
“You okay?”
She looked up at Rachel’s concerned face. “Of course. I just…this question is hard.”
“So hard it brings tears to your eyes?” Rachel leaned across the bed and peered at the Home Economics book. “There aren’t any questions, Lola. It’s a picture.”
Lola snapped the book shut and tossed it to the side. She wanted to talk to someone, but didn’t feel comfortable unloading all her doubts and fears on Rachel. It didn’t feel right.
It was weird trying to pick up exactly where she and Rachel had left off. Lola wasn’t that girl anymore. It was like trying to wear a shirt that no longer fit. Had she completely outgrown her old life and friends?
“Do you want to talk? Maybe you would feel better.”
She did want to talk, but not to Rachel, and she felt bad about it. Lola shook her head.
“Okay. I can’t force you to talk if you don’t want to. But you would feel better if you did.”
Rachel waited, but when Lola didn’t answer, she said, “Since you don’t feel like talking, I’m going to because I do feel like talking.”
Lola looked up, curious.
Her friend tapped a pencil against a textbook. “So…there’s this guy I like. And I think he likes me. But I’m not sure how someone else fits into the whole thing.” She glanced at Lola. A smile stretched Lola’s lips.
“Should I be concerned that you’re smiling?”
“Of course not! This is a smile of happiness, Rachel.”
“Oh. ‘Cause it looks kind of demonic.”
“Probably because I’m so out of practice.”
They laughed. Maybe it wasn’t so hard to pick up where they’d left off. Lola just had to open up and let her friends back in.
“Is it Sebastian?”
Rachel’s blush gave it away.
“I would love it if you two dated.”
“Really? Thanks.”
“Oh yeah. You’re much better than Roxanne.”
She grimaced. “I can just imagine how she’ll take the news. Probably send me hate mail or something.”
“If you’re lucky that’s all she’ll do.” Lola pointed to her healing chin.
“I still can’t believe she did that.”
“Indirectly.”
Rachel rolled her eyes. “Yeah. She’ll probably indirectly run me over with her car or something.”
They laughed again.
Rachel glanced at the clock on the nightstand. “I should get going. I promised my little sister I’d watch a movie with her tonight. I’ll see you tomorrow.” She hopped down from the tall bed and gave Lola a smile.
Lola smiled, drawing her friend into a hug. “Thank you.”
Rachel hugged her, pulling back to ask, “For what?”
“For making me laugh, for talking about happy things instead of letting me wallow in sad ones.”
“Don’t you know by now, Lola? That’s what friends are for.”
Once she was gone, Lola sat cross-legged on the bed, eyes on the recently hung drawing across the room. Looking at it made her warm and happy; put a smile on her face.
Everything was looking up. Lola didn’t want to jinx anything by thinking things would stay that way.
She closed her eyes, thoughts stuck on Jack. She had to see him.
***
Lola couldn’t believe she’d let her take the car. Throughout the course of every day she was stupefied any number of times by the way Blair treated her. Or didn’t.
The smallest acts of kindness felt like pampering to Lola and were enough to bring tears to her eyes. And every time Blair didn’t yell at her or hit her for something Bob would have, she felt a little lighter, a little more human.
There was still fear, there was still anxiety. Lola wondered if that would ever entirely go away. She slept with the light on in her room, the door opened. Lola had nightmares every night. She didn’t like to be alone in the house and Blair accommodated as best she could.
Lola knew she might not be able to fully trust a human being again, but she also knew if she could, it would be Jack.
She turned the car off and hit the button to roll up the windows. It was dusk, a grayish pink cast to the trees and grass. The rock was larger than life, the person lounging on top of it even more so.
Her pulse tripped just looking at him. Jack was on his back, head propped on arms. Lola got out of the car, staring at his profile as she walked toward him, taking in the straightness of his nose, the way his hair hung in his face. A green shirt, jeans, and boots made up his outfit. The air was humid, hot, and mixed with Lola’s emotions, made it hard to breathe.
“Hi,” she greeted quietly, putting a hand on the cool jagged stone.
Jack didn’t look at her, didn’t move. “Hi.”
Not exactly the acknowledgement she’d expected. “Where were you today?”
“What do you care?” Jack sat up, his face blank as he turned toward her.
Lola couldn’t believe the way he was acting, like she was bothering him.
“I was worried. I—“
“Don’t be.”
Sharp pain went through Lola. She took a step back, stumbled over a broken tree branch. “What’s going on, Jack? What happened? Is it your father?”
He jumped to his feet, body stiff as he looked at her. Jack’s expression was closed, his eyes cold. “I said not to worry about me. Now run along to your new life, with your old friends. I want to be alone.”
She hated that tears pricked her eyes, made a ragged path down her cheeks. “Jack. Please,” Lola beseeched in a barely audible voice. She wrapped her arms around herself, trying to push the hurt away.
Jack turned from her. “Look. I get it. You’re okay now. You have your aunt and your friends. Sebastian. Just go, Lola.”
“I don’t…understand,” Lola sobbed, her heart breaking.
He whirled around, eyes flashing. “I helped you through a hard time. You’re better now. You don’t owe me anything. You don’t need to feel obligated to me or like you need to seek me out.”
Lola reached for him; he brushed her off. “Jack.”
“I saw you, Lola.” A muscle ticked in his jaw as he glared down at her. “I saw you and Sebastian. I went to your aunt’s house after school and I saw you and Sebastian on the porch.”
Lola frowned, uncomprehending. Then she remembered the hug and kiss. How could she explain to Jack it hadn’t been anything he should worry about?
“And maybe it wouldn’t bother me so much, if I knew. But I don’t. I don’t know what‘s going on with us. I don’t know what I am to you. And it’s killing me.” Jack’s voice was stark with pain. She never wanted to hurt him; never wanted to cause him pain.
“It didn’t mean anything,” Lola said in a voice that wavered. “We’re just friends, Jack.”
“Yeah. And what are we? Nothing, right?”
She gasped at the anguish those words elicited. Jack was everything to her. Everything.
Jack swore at the look on her face. “I’m sorry, Lola. I didn’t mean that. I’m no good at this stuff.” His shoulders slumped and he turned away. “I’m no good,” was a whisper that reached Lola’s ears.
She closed her eyes, those words causing unimaginable pain within her. Lola took a deep breath, opened her eyes, and reached for Jack.
“You’re better than good, Jack, you’re the best,” Lola said with conviction, never meaning anything more.
All it took was the barest of touches and he responded. Their bod
ies collided, their hands all over each other, his lips on hers, her lips on his. Fire ruptured between them, consumed, took over.
Lola couldn’t think. She didn’t want to think. It was amazing the way Jack made her feel. Her body was aflame, her pulse chaotic. Lola could feel her heart pounding against her ribcage.
Please don’t end. Don’t let this feeling end.
His scent mixed with sweat, became even more intoxicating. Jack pressed her against the rock, his body meshed with hers. A low moan sounded in his throat as she pressed even closer against him, wanting to be as near to him as she could get, wanting to be part of him.
Love you, love you so much.
The kissing and touching continued until Jack finally pulled away. “We have to stop,” he said, breathless.
Lola blinked, in a fog. “What?”
“We have to stop, while we still can,” Jack said slowly.
“Right. Of course.” Lola moved around him, shaky and disoriented.
They didn’t look at each other for a time. Lola struggled for control, wanting to blurt out her feelings for him, knowing it wasn’t the right time, even as she thought it might be the only time.
“Three more weeks, Lola.”
She faced him. “Until?”
Jack swiped a hand through his hair. “Until I’m done with school.”
Lightning swift alarm froze her. “What happens then?”
He wouldn’t look at her. His throat convulsed. “I don’t know. I’ve been thinking…”
No. Whatever it was, she didn’t want to hear it. From the way Jack was acting Lola could tell it wasn’t good, not for her.
“Thinking?” She held her breath, not moving.
“I don’t want to be like my old man. I don’t want to end up a loser drunk who works at a factory my whole life. But there’s my sister too. I can’t leave her with him.” Jack squinted his eyes at the sunset, his features striking against the pink hues.
Jack tugged at a lock of Lola’s hair. Her scalp tingled. “I think…I want…I’m going to enroll at the community college in Lansing.” Lansing was a city about thirty minutes from Morgan Creek that was triple the size and had its own two year college.
Lola’s breath left her in a whoosh and dizzying relief crashed over her. She tossed her head back and laughed.
The scowl on Jack’s face quickly erased all mirth from her face. “You don’t think I can do it?”
Lola touched his face. “Oh, Jack, I have nothing but faith in your ability to do anything you want to do. I just…I was worried you were going to say you were moving away or something.”
“What? No. I’m not leaving you.” As soon as the words left his mouth Jack winced and looked away.
“Good. I couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing you,” Lola said softly.
They shared a long, heated look.
Eventually Jack broke eye contact. “It’s going to be hard. Going to school, working, taking care of Isabelle.” He leaned against the rock. “I’m moving out of the house. So is Isabelle. She’s going to stay with me.”
Such burden for one person. But Lola loved him all the more for his unwavering dedication to his sister. “Where?”
“My boss, Jared, has an apartment above the garage. It’s small, but decent. He’s going to pay me less to stay there, but I’ll make it work. Isabelle is going to get a part-time job to help out. He told me I could stay there for free, but I’m not going to take advantage of him. He’s too good to me as it is.”
Warmth flowed through her into a tender smile. “I’m so proud of you, Jack.”
He avoided her eyes and hunched his shoulders. “Thanks.” Jack cleared his throat and glanced at her.
“When are you moving out?”
“As soon as school’s out.”
“And your dad? Does he know?”
His lips twisted. “No.”
“Are you—“
Jack straightened. “I don’t want to talk about him.” The light was fading and Jack’s features were partly in shadow.
Lola wanted to ask him what he’d meant by his earlier words. He had to know what he meant to her. Didn’t he? What did Jack think this was between them? She had to tell him. Lola inhaled slowly, gathered her courage.
“Jack, I—“
“What are you doing this weekend?
She closed her mouth. Why did he keep interrupting her? “No plans. Why?”
“Curious. Thought maybe you’d be hanging out with Rachel or Sebastian.”
“No. Maybe. Not that I know of.” Lola sighed. “Did you ask for a reason?”
“Nope,” was his curt response.
The silence was strained and Lola wondered why. It frightened her.
“Okay. Well. I guess…I’ll see you later.” Lola turned to go, glancing back at Jack. He had his head turned away.
What is going on? Lola fumbled with the door handle, unease making her fingers clumsy. She looked up, wanting to run to Jack and throw her arms around him. But his back was to her.
Lola drove off, feeling like she was losing a part of herself and she didn’t understand why. What had changed between them?
14
The day was overcast and dreary; a lot like Lola’s thoughts. It had been a few days since she’d seen Jack. Much too long. Lola missed him so much it was scary.
Countless times she’d picked up the phone, intending to call him, and instead she hung it back up. She didn’t know what to say. You didn’t just blurt out over the phone for the first time you loved someone. It had to be done with tact, in person. Hard to do when he appeared to be avoiding her.
She sat at the kitchen table, staring out the windows to the gray skies beyond.
“This is for you.” A brown photo album was placed on the table before Lola. “I thought you would like to see these.”
Lola set her mug of hot chocolate down and stared at the book. “Are they…?”
“Yes. Your father. Lots of pictures of your father. Your mother. And you.”
Lola’s eyes dampened. “Thank you,” she told her aunt with feeling.
She’d only seen a handful of pictures of her dad and only then because she’d found them in a box. When Lola had approached her mom with them, she’d cried, so Lola had put them back and never looked at them again in front of her mother.
There were times, though, when Lana had opened up about her husband. Fleeting and far too sporadic, but each memory she’d shared with Lola had been a gift.
Lola shook herself back to the present. “What did you say?”
Blair, clad in pink and blue pajamas and hair upswept in a messy ponytail, smiled and ruffled up Lola’s hair. “I said, you’re very welcome. I’ll be in my office working on an article if you need or want anything.”
Lola absently righted her hair, eyes intent on her aunt. “Do you have to? I mean, would you look at them with me?”
Her face softened. “You bet I will. I didn’t know if you’d want company or not.” She pulled out a chair and sat down beside Lola, sipping her tea.
“Go ahead,” she urged when Lola continued to stare at the book.
On the first page was a photo of a gangly teenager with brown hair and brown eyes. He hadn’t grown into his nose or chin yet. He was tall, thin, and posed like a ninja. Lola laughed, wiping at her wet eyes.
“He was quite the character, let me tell you.”
Lola turned the page and saw a similar photograph. She waited for her aunt to elaborate.
“Ben was a goof. He had an infectious laugh. People liked him. He was funny, popular in school, handsome, athletic. There didn’t seem to be anything he couldn’t do.
“I wanted to be like him. Which is what made me pick up a camera. He was a great photographer. Ben knew how to capture a person’s essence, you know? I have some of his work framed on the walls in my office. I’ll show you sometime. Let you pick one out to keep.”
Lola took a deep breath. “I’d like that.”
“I’m not sayi
ng my brother was perfect. He wasn’t. Ben had a quick temper and could be overbearingly stubborn at times, but he felt strongly about things and stood for what he thought was right.”
Blair smiled, lost in memories.
“He was a good brother. Usually older siblings are mean and pick on the younger brother or sister, but not Ben. He always looked out for me, helped me. He stood up for me at school when other kids were bullying me.” Blair’s voice cracked and she cleared her throat.
“Ben said he fell in love with your mom the instant he saw her. Did she ever tell you how they met?”
Lola shook her head, fascinated by the treasure being bestowed upon her. She didn’t want to speak for fear of getting her aunt off track and missing something she would have told her had Lola not interrupted.
Blair took a drink of her tea and stared out the window, a thoughtful look on her face. “Lana was nineteen, Ben was twenty. It was wintertime and he was stopped at a set of stoplights. She rear-ended him.” She laughed. “He said he got out of his car ready to do some yelling and then he looked at her and forget everything he was going to say. They were married less than a year later.”
Lola took a shaky breath, rapidly blinked her eyes. She turned the page. A wedding picture of her mom and dad was on the page. They were looking at each other, smiling. Her dad was in a black tuxedo and her mother in a frothy dress of white. They were beautiful, happy.
Another page showed her father holding her as a baby, beaming. Lola was fat and bald and drooling. He was even handsomer than at his wedding.
“I don’t understand how I can miss him so much when I don’t even remember him,” she whispered.
“You were his world. He loved you so much,” Blair said quietly.
An ache formed where her heart was. Lola sat back, head down. Sorrow overwhelmed her. Her throat was tight as she tried to hold tears in.
“Don’t be sad for not knowing him, Lola. Be glad he knew you, if only for a short time.”
Lola wept, shoulders shaking. She wanted her dad. She wanted him back and alive and she wanted to erase everything, all the years, since his death. Lola wanted them to start over; her mother, her father, and her. She wanted to know her father.
She wanted her mother back too. She missed her so much. Lola couldn’t believe how devastated she was by her mom’s absence. She didn’t want to know any of this, any of this pain and sadness and tragedy.