Aunt Effie and the Island That Sank

by Jack Lasenby

  “In the middle of the night …” said Jared.

  “And we won’t …” said Lizzie.

  “Go back to sleep …” said Jessie.

  “Unless,” they said together to Daisy, “we hear the rest of the story now!”

  “If I were your mother, I’d spank you all soundly and send you to bed without any supper.”

  “But you’re not our mother. And if you were,” Lizzie told Daisy, “I’d get Wicked Nancy to give you a good spanking and send you to bed without any pyjamas!”

  The little ones laughed at that. “No pyjamas!” they exclaimed. They lay on their backs, kicked their feet in the air and sang, “Daisy’s got no pyjamas! Daisy’s got no pyjamas! We can see Daisy’s bum because she’s got no pyjamas!”

  “Didn’t I say no good would come of telling them this story?” asked Daisy. “It’s giving them lewd ideas.”

  Chapter Six

  Aunt Effie Tells the Rest of Her Highly Unsuitable Story Just Before the Little Ones Go to Bed: “Wicked Nancy and the Island that Sank, Part Two”.

  “Less lip,” growled Aunt Effie, “or none of you will hear the rest of the story. Are you all comfy?”

  “Yes!”

  “Now, you know there’s a rule on sailing ships: ʻOne hand for the ship, and one for yourself!’”

  “‘One hand for the ship, and one for yourself,’” we repeated, all of us but Alwyn. “Yourself for one and ship the for hand one,” he said.

  “And don’t you forget it!” Aunt Effie nodded and went on with the story.

  “One day, a lookout on top of the mast called out, ‘Sail ho!’ Wicked Nancy ran on deck with the big brass telescope and called out, ‘Where? Where?’

  “‘There!’ shouted the lookout and forgot the rule. He let go of the mast and pointed with both hands.

  “‘Ahhhhhh!’ he fell and hit the deck – SPLAT! – right at the feet of Captain Cruel who loved seeing people hurt. Captain Cruel laughed and laughed, but forgot to take out her false teeth first. They jumped out of her mouth, flew over the bulwarks, and landed right in the gummy mouth of the toothless shark.

  “Captain Cruel leaned over the side and shook her fist at the shark. ‘Open your mouf!’ she shouted. ‘Gif me back my teef!’ But the shark grinned and gnashed the second-hand teeth at Captain Cruel.

  “‘Where’s this sail?’ Wicked Nancy put the big brass telescope to her good eye and slid it open. Its end shot out and hit Captain Cruel’s big behind as she leaned over the side and shouted at the shark. Splash! Captain Cruel fell over the side. She trod water and shouted, ‘Man overboard!’

  “But Wicked Nancy put the telescope to her black eye-patch, looked around the sea and said, ‘Nonsense! I can’t see any man overboard.’

  “Gobble! Gobble! The shark ate up Captain Cruel with her own second-hand false teeth. And the crocodile opened wide his toothy mouth and swam around drinking the blood.

  “Wicked Nancy put on Captain Cruel’s best uniform with gold rings round the sleeves, and rows of stolen medals across the breast. She put on Captain Cruel’s plumed helmet. She looked at herself in her stolen mirror, and said, ‘I wish my old mum could see me now, back home in Waharoa.’”

  “I wish my old mum could see me now!” said Lizzie.

  Aunt Effie grinned. “Wicked Nancy sank treasure ships; she attacked towns; she stole their silver and gold. She made so many prisoners walk the plank, the shark and the crocodile got fat and couldn’t swim fast enough to keep up. Lucky for them, the Evil Fancy was filled with so much heavy gold and silver, she sailed lopsided and very slow.

  “‘We’ve got to find somewhere to hide all this treasure,’ said Wicked Nancy, ‘or we won’t be able to catch any more ships.’

  “Not far off the coast of Waharoa, near where Auckland is today, she found a secret island with a single tree growing out of the top. She made the pirates dig out the tree and put it to one side. Then she made them dig out the middle of the island and put all the dirt to the other side. They wheelbarrowed the treasure ashore and filled the hole they’d made with all their stolen gold and silver and jewels. Then they shovelled the dirt back on top and patted it smooth. The island had been flat before, but now it stuck up in a big hill. Wicked Nancy planted the tree on top so nobody would think of digging there for treasure.

  “Wicked Nancy tied their hankies over the crew’s eyes so they couldn’t see. She drew a map, got out her sextant, and marked the latitude and longitude of the island so she could find her way back to get the treasure. She hollowed out her peg-leg, hid the map inside, took the blindfolds off the crew, and sailed away.

  “But, as the Evil Fancy sailed over the horizon, Wicked Nancy took one last look astern and saw the island was sinking! All that gold and silver was too heavy. By the time she turned the ship around and sailed back, the island had sunk so far that only the tree was left sticking out of the water. Wicked Nancy kicked the crew over the side.

  “‘Dive for my treasure!’ she shouted. But the shark and the crocodile came sniffing and licking their legs, so the pirates tried to climb back on board the Evil Fancy.

  “As their hands came over the sides of the deck, and they tried to pull themselves up, Wicked Nancy stamped their fingers flat with her peg-leg and jabbed them with her hook, and the pirates fell back screaming into the water. They were very sad to be eaten by the shark and the crocodile. They made rude gestures with their fingers and shouted rude words at Wicked Nancy.”

  “What rude gestures did they make with their fingers?” asked Lizzie.

  “What rude words did they shout at Wicked Nancy?” asked Jessie.

  “Never you mind!” Daisy told them.

  “Mind you never!” said Alwyn.

  Aunt Effie grinned. “‘Bah!’ Wicked Nancy jeered at the pirates, and she laughed as the crocodile and the shark opened their jaws, and they smiled and they each winked one eye, crunched up the pirates – cutlasses and all – and swam around drinking the blood.

  “Wicked Nancy looked down through the clear water at the sunken island and thought of her buried treasure. How could she get it without any crew?

  “‘Bah!’ she shouted. She lost her temper and hit the mast with her steel hook. But the point was so sharp, it went right through the mast, like a fish hook going through a finger. When she pulled, it wouldn’t come out. Wicked Nancy was stuck to the mast.”

  “It serves her right for losing her temper,” said Daisy.

  “‘Bah!’ shouted Wicked Nancy, and she lost her temper again, and stamped her peg-leg so hard it went down between two planks in the deck and jammed. She pulled, but it wouldn’t come out. Wicked Nancy was stuck to the mast by her hook, and she was stuck to the deck by her peg-leg. And just then, with nobody at the wheel, the Evil Fancy rolled between two big waves, and a pyramid of cannonballs tumbled and rumbled across the deck.”

  “None of that would have happened if she hadn’t lost her temper,” Daisy told the little ones.

  “‘Bah!’ shouted Wicked Nancy, and lost her temper again. As a forty-pound cannonball rumbled past, she picked it up with her one hand, and swung it above her head. She meant to smash the planks and get her peg-leg free. But because she was in such a paddy, she missed. The cannonball made a round hole through the deck and a round hole through the bottom of the ship. A spout of water poured in, filled the hold, and the Evil Fancy began to sink.

  “And as the sea came level with the deck, and fingers of water ran across the planks and washed around Wicked Nancy’s foot, who do you think came slithering and clambering aboard and crawled – grinning with his mouth wide open – toward Wicked Nancy?”

  “The crocodile!” we all shouted.

  Aunt Effie nodded and grinned with her mouth wide open. “He opened his long jaws, stuck out his long lizardy tongue, and dribbled and licked her all over.

  “Wicked Nancy giggled. ‘Stop it! You’re tickling me!’ The crocodile stuck his long lizardy tongue even further out and licked her face. The Evil Fanc
y lurched and began to go down by the bow. The water rose up to Wicked Nancy’s knees; it rose to her waist; it rose to her shoulders. The water rose to her bottom lip.…

  “‘Save me!’ she shouted, but it came out as a gurgle. And the crocodile opened his long jaws–”

  “And he smiled,” the little ones all shouted, “and he winked one eye, and his teeth went Tick! Tick! Tick! and – SNAP!” They clapped their hands together, fingers interlocking like crocodile teeth.

  Aunt Effie nodded. “He bit off Wicked Nancy’s hook and left it stuck through the mast. And he bit off her peg-leg and left it stuck through the deck. In one great greedy gulp, he swallowed Wicked Nancy whole, and you could see her elbows and knees sticking out his sides as she went down the crocodile’s throat into his stomach.”

  “Serves her right for losing her temper,” said Daisy, but nobody listened to her. We were too busy staring at Aunt Effie. She stared back at us, and stuck out her elbows and knees.

  “From deep inside his belly, the crocodile heard Wicked Nancy shout.” Aunt Effie put her hand over her mouth and muffled her voice. “‘Take me home to the old land of Waharoa!’” Aunt Effie took her hand away.

  “As the Evil Fancy slid under the waves, the crocodile flopped off the deck into the sea. With Wicked Nancy shouting muffled directions from inside, it swam towards the old land of Waharoa, followed by the shark which opened its mouth and grinned with Captain Cruel’s second-hand false teeth.

  “Now,” Aunt Effie said and looked at each one of us in turn. “Do you want to be very rich?”

  “Yes! Yes! Me! Me! I want to be very rich!”

  “Then all you have to do is find the island that sank and dive for the treasure. It’s easy to tell the right island because …”

  “Because of the tree sticking out of the water?” asked Jessie.

  Aunt Effie nodded. “And, because the water’s so clear, you can see the wreck of the Evil Fancy lying on the bottom with a steel hook stuck through her mast, and a peg-leg stuck in the deck. And the bottom of the sea is covered with sapphires as big as your fist, diamonds as big as your eyes, rubies as big as your heads!”

  “Wow!” we all said and felt our fists and eyes and heads.

  “That treasure is so valuable, it would only take one dive to make you wealthy for life. Just one handful of that treasure …”

  We all stared as Aunt Effie held her nose and pretended to dive and pick up one handful of treasure and float back to the surface.

  “I can dive!” said Lizzie.

  “I can hold my breath!” said Jessie. “But not very long.”

  “You wouldn’t have to dive very deep. The sea there is shallow. Just one dive and one handful of that treasure would make you rich for life. Just one handful of that treasure …” said Aunt Effie, and we all stared as she opened her hand and looked into it. “Just one handful of that treasure …” She stared into all our eyes. “Just one handful of that treasure is worth more than a million dollars!”

  “Wow!”

  “But!” Aunt Effie stared into all our eyes again. “The treasure is guarded by a crocodile and a shark. And the crocodile has a black patch over one eye. And the shark has false teeth. And if anyone tries to steal the treasure …”

  “I know!” shouted Lizzie, and the little ones all cried together, “The crocodile will open his long jaws, and the shark will open its false teeth, and they’ll smile, and they’ll wink one eye, and their teeth will go Tick! Tick! Tick! – SNAP! – and they’ll eat you up, buttons and all.” They clapped their hands together and snapped their teeth.

  “And they’ll open wide their mouths and swim around drinking the blood!” said Lizzie. “Oh,” she sighed, “that was a lovely story!”

  “Look at the time! You should have been in bed hours ago! A most unsuitable story for young children,” muttered Daisy as she popped the little ones into their hammocks, and tucked them in. “Just mark my words. There’ll be nightmares and tears tonight, I’ll be bound.”

  “There’s bound to be, if you go on telling them,” said Ann.

  “When are we going to look for the island that sank?” Jared said sleepily.

  “Bags I not be eaten by the crocodile,” said Casey. She sat up and stared around.

  “Tsk! Tsk! Tsk! What did I say?”

  “Bags I not be eaten by the shark,” said Jessie.

  “I wonder if Aunt Effie is the crocodile?” said Casey.

  “I think she’s Wicked Nancy,” said Lizzie, and all four little ones were suddenly fast asleep.

  Chapter Seven

  Somebody Has a Nightmare; Aunt Effie Thinks She’s Been Poisoned; Captain Flash and His One-Woman Submarine; We Cover our Tracks; and We Smell the Ozone of the Thames.

  “Aaargh! The crocodile’s coming to eat me! Help! The shark’s waiting under my hammock! Eeek!”

  We woke and shouted, “Casey-Lizzie-Jared-Jess? What’s wrong? Who screamed? Who’s crying?” Peter lit a lantern. “Are the little ones all right? It’s the middle of the night. They must be having nightmares!”

  Somebody was having a nightmare all right. She had twisted her hammock around and around till it looked like a cocoon, and she could hardly breathe. Peter unwound her. “Get away!” she screamed at him. “I know you’re going to eat me!” She waved her arms, kicked, and the hammock spun and cocooned itself around her again.

  “When you hatch out, you might be a butterfly,” Alwyn told Daisy.

  “I’d like a nice cup of camomile tea,” she whimpered when Peter unwound her again. “To help me go to sleep.”

  We watched Peter go to the galley. We knew he didn’t like the smell of camomile. He came back holding a cup of tea with one hand and his nose with the other. “Here you are, Daisy!”

  “Daisy are you here.”

  We all stuck our heads under the blankets and giggled at Alwyn’s voice.

  “Oh, that’s lovely,” said Daisy.

  “Lovely that’s oh!”

  We giggled again – except for the little ones who slept through all the noise.

  We got up early next morning, holystoned the deck white, polished the brass gold, rubbed the mahogany wheel dark red, and gave Aunt Effie breakfast in her hammock.

  “Are we going to go search for the island that sank?” we asked as she gulped her tea and crunched her toast and marmalade.

  “We’ll see,” said Aunt Effie. “Isn’t anyone going to get me another cup of tea?”

  “I’ll get it!” we all said.

  “Some more toast would be all right, too.”

  “More toast!”

  We gave Aunt Effie her second cup of tea. She tasted it and – Crash! – flung it on the deck. “Are you trying to poison me?” Aunt Effie spat and spat again. Somebody had given her a cup of Daisy’s camomile tea by mistake. “That muck,” said Aunt Effie, “stinks like mouldy hay!”

  “Here’s a proper cup of tea,” said Marie. “The map you left on the Rotorua Express, Aunt Effie, was that the map of the island that sank?”

  Aunt Effie shook her head.

  “What about the ones you dropped on the floor of the Auckland Railway Station, and Greasy Mick’s, and the one you showed the wharfinger at the Powder Wharf?”

  Aunt Effie shook her head.

  “What about the ones you said are rolled up inside your umbrella?”

  “Aunt Effie grinned. “They’re all just maps I drew to fool Rangi, Sam, and Captain Flash.”

  “What about the real map?” we all asked.

  “It was in the story I told you.”

  “In the story?”

  “Didn’t any of you listen?”

  “I listened!” said Lizzie. “Wicked Nancy drew a map of the treasure island with the latitude and longitude and hid it inside her hollow peg-leg!”

  “Clever girl, Lizzie!” said Aunt Effie.

  “But her peg-leg’s stuck in the deck of the Evil Fancy!” the rest of us said.

  “That’s right. Where the pirate ship lies on
the bottom of the sea, amongst all the treasure.”

  “So we can’t find the map of the island that sank till we find the island that sank, so we can find the hollow peg-leg with the map in it that will show us how to find the island that sank!” said Jazz.

  “It’s hopeless.” Isaac shook his head.

  “No it’s not!” Aunt Effie smiled.

  “Not it’s no,” repeated Alwyn.

  “You all know the most important clue.” Aunt Effie looked around us. “It was in the story.”

  “Story the in was it.”

  “Shut up, Alwyn!” said Daisy.

  “Alwyn up shut!”

  “The tree,” said Aunt Effie. “You don’t see many trees sticking out of the water.”

  “But that could be anywhere!”

  Aunt Effie lowered her voice. “Not just anywhere,” she said. “Can you all keep a secret?”

  “Course we can!” we whispered, as something creaked above our heads.

  “Before she died,” whispered Aunt Effie, “I met a wicked old woman with only one eye, one hand, and one leg. She told me the story of the island that sank.” There was another creak above our heads.

  “That old woman must have been Wicked Nancy!” said Daisy. She looked back at our faces and said in her most superior voice, “I would have thought it obvious.”

  “Before she died,” whispered Aunt Effie, “the one-eyed, one-handed, one-legged wicked old woman told me to look for the tree sticking out of the water somewhere to the north of …” We leaned further forward till our ears were almost touching Aunt Effie’s lips. We listened and, above our heads, something creaked again.

  “… north of,” said Aunt Effie, “… north of Fiji!”

  There was a crash of glass, and a captain of the Royal Navy fell shrieking through the skylight. We only had time to notice he had a very pointed head before he sprang to his feet. “Hands up!” He threatened us with a huge Navy pistol, leapt out the door, slammed it behind him, and turned the key.

  By the time we’d broken off all the bits of jagged glass to make it safe, and pushed the little ones up through the skylight, and by the time they’d run downstairs and turned the key in the lock, and we’d run on deck and looked around, the Royal Navy captain had disappeared.