I look down at his hand holding mine, just for a second or two before I raise my eyes to meet his. ‘What if he goes to the police? What if he tells them the truth, about that night? We’ve given him every reason to be angry, every reason to want to hurt us.’
‘He won’t do that.’
‘How can you be sure? We’ve both betrayed him. We’ve both hurt him…’
‘If he goes to the police he’d be in just as much trouble as you, and he knows that. Withholding evidence. Lying. Covering up a crime. He isn’t going to risk that happening.’
I don’t know … I want to believe him, I want to believe he’s right but the look in Michael’s eyes…
‘You should have talked to me, Ellie. You should have told me about this…’
A hammering on the front door disturbs us both and I almost jump back from Liam in shock. Whoever it is, they’re not letting up. The banging is incessant.
Liam heads out into the hall and I follow a little way behind, glancing down at the security monitor by the door.
It’s Michael. He’s back. Why?
‘Let him in.’
Liam frowns. ‘No. I’ll go out there, try to calm him down.’
‘Let him in,’ I repeat.
Liam sighs, starts pulling back the bolts, and I watch on the monitor as Michael steps back from the door. He waits for it to open. And the second it does he steps inside, stops in front of Liam, and I feel my stomach twist up into another tight and painful knot.
But he does nothing. He comes over to me, and I feel my heart start to pump the blood around my body so fast I have to lean back against the wall to steady myself.
‘I came here tonight because Ernie called me.’
I close my eyes for a second, and it feels like my entire world is crashing down around me, crumbling quicker than I ever thought it could.
‘You went to him, Ellie. Behind my back. You went to him, and you accused me of sleeping with my students…’
‘I didn’t accuse you…’
‘You fucking did!’ He raises his voice, takes a step towards me, until Liam pulls him back.
‘That’s enough.’
Michael swings around to face Liam, his mouth twisting up into a sneer. ‘Enough? I’m not even close to starting.’ He looks back at me. ‘How long, huh? How long have you two been sleeping together?’
I don’t answer him. I can’t.
‘How fucking long, Ellie?’
He raises his voice again, and as Liam’s fist connects with Michael’s jaw I flinch. All I can do is watch as Michael staggers back, his hand clutching the side of his face.
I wait for him to retaliate, but at the same time I don’t think he will. He isn’t that kind of man; then again, none of us are the same people we were a few months ago. Was that really all my fault? Did I drive him to this? Drive us, to this?
‘How long have you been sleeping with her?’ The words fall from my mouth before I even have time to realize I’m saying them. I was thinking them, and I’m not sure I meant to say them out loud.
Michael narrows his eyes, steadies himself, and I quickly glance over at Liam. He’s sitting down on the stairs, his head in his hands.
‘With who, Ellie?’
‘Ava.’
He comes over to me, puts himself back in my space, and I look over his shoulder to see Liam stand up but I shake my head. I don’t want him to do anything, I’ll be fine. Michael won’t hurt me, not like that.
‘I told you, Ellie, she is none of your business…’
‘Why? Why is she none of my business, Michael? Why is your betrayal acceptable but mine isn’t?’
‘Have you heard yourself? Justifying something so wrong? There is no betrayal on my part, that’s all on you.’
‘You’re lying.’
‘I’m lying, huh?’
‘I’ve seen you both, together, there’s something there…’
‘I’m done with this shit, Ellie. I’m done, with you.’ He steps back, shakes his head. He looks from me to Liam. ‘You deserve each other.’
‘You’re lying, Michael.’
His eyes darken as he steps forward, and this time Liam’s there, I can’t stop him. He pulls Michael away from me again, yanking him back hard but Michael wrenches his arm free, turning his anger on his one-time best friend … were they ever really friends? How could they have been? Knowing what I know now – Liam told me he’s resented Michael, all that time. And friends, they don’t resent each other.
‘Touch me again and I will fucking kill you.’
I watch in horror as they face off once more, the air heavy with an atmosphere so thick it’s cloying. Suffocating.
‘You never deserved her, Michael.’
‘And you do?’
‘She was mine before you even knew her, did you know that? I loved her before you’d even had a chance to…’
‘What the hell are you talking about?’
‘Liam, please…’
He holds up a hand to silence me and I sink to my haunches, drop my head, if I don’t look at what’s going on in front of me, maybe it won’t seem so real.
‘No, Ellie, let him talk. I want to know how deep this betrayal actually goes. Were you two fucking the whole time we were married? Hmm? Have I been a complete idiot the entire time?’
I stand up, I’m not taking this. He isn’t making out like he’s the innocent one here, we’re all to blame. All of us. The secrets we kept, they’re coming back to haunt us now. And we should’ve seen that coming.
‘Me and Liam, we had a brief relationship, before I met you, Michael. I had no idea you two were friends…’
‘Hang on. You two knew each other before we got together, and neither of you said anything?’
‘Because there was no need. It was nothing serious, just sex, that’s all it was…’
‘Are you sure about that? Because he just said he loved you, he said you were his…’
‘It was sex. Nothing more.’
He looks at Liam, then back at me, and he laughs. ‘Yeah. And you stand there and tell me I’m the one who’s lying.’
‘You have secrets too, Michael.’
He shakes his head, backing away towards the door. ‘This is too much. It’s too fucking much. I did everything I could for you, Ellie. I did everything I could…’
I go after him but Liam pulls me back. He stops me, and I look at him as I try to break free of his grip but he’s holding my arm too tight. All I can do is watch as Michael drives away.
‘What have we done?’ I whisper.
What have we done…?
Chapter 7
He’s still lying. I don’t care what he said, what he thinks, he’s lying. He keeps telling me Ava is none of my business, and the more I replay those moments – those two, brief moments when he told me that, when he told me she was none of my business – the more I know for sure that he’s hiding something.
I tap my pen on the desk in front of me as I stare out of the window, at the rain falling lightly on the terrace outside. The spa’s garden room is busy, due to the rain, but the atmosphere is peaceful. Calm. Just the low hum of chatter in the background.
I turn my attention back to the envelope lying on the table in front of me. Karl gave it to me this morning, dropped it by on his way to keep tabs on my husband. I’m beginning to wonder if having Karl following him is such a good idea now. I never could get used to the lack of control, I feel helpless. Useless. And I don’t like that. I think I need to start taking matters back into my own hands. The game’s changed. The rules are different. I can play this on my own. It’s for the best.
I open the envelope and slide the pictures out. They were taken the day after Michael found Liam and I together, apparently. The day after it all came out. I look down at the first photograph on the top of the pile. One of Michael outside his university building, talking into his phone, his eyes down on the ground.
I move that one to the back of the pile and look at the next one. Mi
chael’s still outside his building, but she’s with him now. Ava. Looking up at him like he’s everything to her. I feel surprisingly empty as I look at those photographs. I can’t feel anger, I don’t even feel sad, and that scares me. Have I become that numb? That cold?
I look back out of the window, rest my chin in my hand and raise my eyes to the sky. There’s no break in those clouds; it’s growing darker, if anything.
I reach down and pick up another photograph. And this one causes a tiny flicker of something to kick up inside me. I don’t know what, exactly, but the way she’s leaning in to him – her face is almost touching his as she speaks, and she’s smiling, his hand is on the small of her back…
He’s still lying to me.
And I’ve never lied to him?
I slide the photographs inside the envelope and head back out to reception.
‘Everything okay?’ Carmen asks.
I smile and nod. ‘Everything’s fine. I can take over here if you want to go grab a coffee.’
‘You sure?’
‘Go on. Take a break.’
She returns my smile and makes her way out to the staff room at the back of the spa while I take over reception. I’m working on autopilot most of the time but these brief moments of normality help me cope. I need them.
I check the bookings we have coming in today, take a couple more over the phone for the upcoming weekend, and for a while everything feels okay. It’s just another ordinary day; life goes on, doesn’t it?
I look up as I hear people approach the desk, and I smile as a group of young women give me their details; they’re booked in for lunch and an afternoon of pampering.
As they head off towards the changing rooms I glance back outside. It’s still raining, the kind of rain that’s more of a mist. I always found that kind of rain irritating. And then I see it, his car, pulling up into one of the few free spaces left out front. Michael’s car. I watch as he gets out, walks briskly towards the entrance and I take a deep breath. I wasn’t expecting to see him here. I haven’t seen him since that night, haven’t heard from him. I thought it best to leave things for a day or two.
His eyes meet mine the second he walks through the door, but his expression is too hard to read.
He strides over to the desk, and throws a white A4 envelope down in front of me, his eyes never once leaving mine.
‘Get a lawyer, Ellie.’
I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. I reach down, pick up the envelope and I open it, even though I already know what’s inside.
‘And let’s do this the easy way, okay?’
He’s divorcing me.
He’s leaving me.
I look up, that now-familiar numbness sweeping over me again, and the man standing in front of me feels like a stranger. ‘What’ve you done to your wrist?’
His left hand and wrist are strapped up. I couldn’t help but notice that; it was his left hand he’d used to throw the envelope at me. But he doesn’t answer me. He doesn’t want a conversation, whereas me, I’m going through the motions, asking ordinary, everyday questions while I try to pretend everything’s all right – try to block out what’s really happening.
‘Just sign the papers, Ellie.’
He’s already out of the door before I can say anything else. He’s walking away, and I can’t stop him.
I look down, at my fingers scrunching up the corner of the envelope. I feel sick. Yeah, now I’m feeling everything, it’s all flooding back at once, engulfing me. Anger and pain, a breathtaking sadness.
I reach into my pocket for my phone, I need to speak to Liam, but the call goes straight to voicemail. I leave a message asking him to call me back, and I scroll down my list of contacts for another number.
It’s time.
Chapter 8
It was easier to get the train from Durham into Newcastle than take the car, a quick ten-minute journey preferable to what could be hours stuck in afternoon rush-hour traffic. As I head out of Central Station I notice the rain’s eased off now, although the sky is still dark, making it seem later than it really is.
I slide my bag up onto my shoulder and make my way across the road to the hotel opposite the station. Liam’s offices and laboratories aren’t far from here, we use this hotel regularly, Liam and I. But as I make my way into the lobby I can’t see him, so I reach for my phone to text him just as I spot him at reception. I discard the message and go over to him, gently tugging on his belt to get his attention, and he turns his head and smiles at me.
‘You just get here?’ he asks, finishing whatever he was doing there before he gives me his full attention.
I nod, and he smiles again as he takes my hand, leading me away from reception towards the lifts.
‘Where are we going?’
‘I’ve booked a room.’
I stop, and let go of his hand; he swings around to face me. ‘I didn’t come here to sleep with you, Liam. I need to talk to you.’
He comes closer, holding his hand against my cheek and I hate myself for that growing weakness he elicits from me when he touches me.
‘I know. And we can talk, of course we can…’
I pull his hand away from my face. ‘Michael’s divorcing me.’ I look at him, right into his eyes. ‘You don’t even look surprised.’
‘That’s because I’m not. I mean, come on! It’s only you who’s been convinced that this was all going to go away, that you could make it all better … you can’t. You never could.’
I shake my head, and step back from him. ‘You’re supposed to be my friend.’
‘I am. Baby, I am, but I can’t stand by and let you believe that this was going to end any other way.’
‘I love him,’ I whisper, leaning back against the wall. I take a second to breathe, to think. ‘I thought he loved me too.’ I look back at Liam. ‘I was wrong.’
He rests his forehead against mine, his fingers lightly stroking my cheek. ‘It’s time to let go now, Ellie. Of Michael, of any guilt you might still feel; it’s time to let go of the past.’
‘I can’t.’
‘You have to try. Or this is going to destroy you, and is that what you want him to see? What you want him to think he’s done to you? Show him you can move on, Ellie. Show him he doesn’t matter anymore.’
Does he matter anymore? Is Liam right? Am I really fighting a losing battle now?
‘What if he goes to the police, Liam?’
‘Ellie, we’ve been over this, I told you, he won’t go to the police.’
I take his hand, push him gently away. ‘Let’s go somewhere more private. I don’t want to talk about this out here.’
‘Do you want to go to the room?’
It sounds so sordid – booking a room, one we’re only going to use for an hour or so. But it’s not like we haven’t done this before. Except, this time, sex isn’t something I want. I just want his company.
I nod, take his hand again and we head up to the double room he’s booked. A clean, modern room that we’re not entirely unfamiliar with.
He closes the door and takes off his jacket. I take off mine, throwing it down on a nearby chair before I go over to the window. I watch people streaming out of the station opposite, onto the streets of Newcastle, everyone from students to shoppers to businesspeople. It’s a busy area of town. Bustling. Vibrant. A mix of bars, restaurants and grand hotels.
I feel Liam’s hand on my waist and I lean back against him, closing my eyes briefly as he kisses my neck. I need that second of calm, that moment of peace.
‘Did you see him?’ Liam asks, his mouth still resting against the side of my neck. ‘Did he tell you, in person, that he wanted a divorce?’
I turn around and he steps back from me as I go over to my bag, reaching inside for the envelope Michael threw at me this morning.
‘He doesn’t want a divorce, Liam. He’s demanding one.’
He takes the envelope, slides the papers out and looks at them. ‘Adultery, huh?’
I sit down on the edge of the bed, and I’m trying to make sense of all these feelings – all the emotions whirring around inside of me because they’re changing. They’re not the same as they were before, I’m not feeling the way I did before. I’ve lost the hope. And that doesn’t even scare me, I don’t think I care that he wants to leave me … no. That’s a lie. I care. I want to know why it’s come to this, because him finding out about me and Liam, that isn’t the only reason. If anything, I think he was just waiting for an excuse to do this, to walk away from me without making it look like he was to blame. Now he can blame me. Now he can tell everyone how I was too broken to fix, how I never got over what happened; how we could never go back to what we were. I slept with his best friend. We’ve given him the perfect excuse. Okay, now I’m angry. Now I’m fucking angry.
‘No.’ I stand up, start pacing the floor, shaking my head. ‘No, he isn’t doing this to me. He isn’t blaming me, for this…’
Liam catches my hand and I stop pacing. I turn to look at him, and the second I do I know I was right, to let Karl go. I couldn’t settle, having someone else in control, because to some extent I don’t think I fully trusted him. I don’t fully trust anyone, so I called him before I came here. I told him I didn’t need him anymore, because I don’t. I can do this myself, it’s better that way. I was right, to take back control. I was right.
‘What I did was wrong, Liam. And that’s something I have to live with, but I don’t have to live with his lies. He thinks I’m damaged…’ I shake my head again, feel Liam squeeze my hand a little tighter. ‘I don’t have to live with his lies.’
Chapter 9
Something changed, the second Michael tossed those divorce papers at me. Something shifted inside me, unravelling all those emotions, all those messed-up feelings. Things became clearer. He doesn’t want me anymore, okay, I get that. But he doesn’t just get to walk away, that’s not how this works.
He lied to me.
I lied to him.
Together we killed our marriage.
Even our darkest secret couldn’t keep us together. That night was too much. We really couldn’t come back from it. We couldn’t deal with it.
Till Death Do Us Part Page 4