But he knows what my distraction was. Is. Now it’s time to expose his.
Sue looks up as I walk in, and the smile she gives me tells me Michael still hasn’t made our separation public knowledge yet.
‘Ellie, hello.’
‘Hi, Sue, is Michael in his office?’
I know he’s in his office. I may not be able to track him anymore, not the way I used to do, but I can still get hold of his timetable. His schedule. So I know he’s here, somewhere.
‘Yes, he’s just preparing for this morning’s lectures. Do you need a word?’
‘Just a quick one, if that’s okay?’
She smiles again and nods. ‘Go on in.’
‘Thanks.’ I tap gently on his office door but don’t wait for a response before I push it open, immediately closing it behind me.
He looks up from his work, takes off his glasses and lays them down on the desk as he stands up. ‘What are you doing here, Ellie?’
I take an envelope out of my bag and throw it down in front of him. And I don’t need to tell him what’s in there, he knows. I’ll give him his divorce, but that isn’t the end of it.
His eyes stay fixed on mine for a second or two before he drops his gaze. Looks down at the envelope. ‘Do you think this is what I wanted, Ellie?’
‘I don’t know, Michael. Is it?’
He raises his head and his eyes lock back on mine. ‘I didn’t want this.’
‘You should’ve thought about that before you slept with her…’
He slams his fist down on the desk, his eyes blazing, and I quickly glance outside. Sue’s looking in our direction and Michael goes over to the window; he closes the blinds. Then he turns back to face me.
‘I haven’t slept with anyone.’
He’s lying.
‘I’m not the one who’s cheated. I’m not the one who’s lied.’
I saw it, just there, that small but still visible twitch of his eye; that’s how I know he’s lying. He’s still fucking lying.
‘You and Liam…’ He drags a hand back through his hair. ‘I can’t forgive that kind of betrayal, Ellie.’ His expression is one of sadness. ‘What you two did, that fucking hurt. And if you can’t understand that…’ He briefly turns away again, and for a couple of seconds he stays there, silent, with his back to me. And when he turns to face me the anger’s returned, his eyes are cold and hard. ‘You followed me. You recorded my phone calls, read my texts, you thought I was cheating on you, and all the time you were sleeping with my best friend. And the fact you can’t see how wrong that is…’ He shakes his head, goes back behind his desk. ‘I didn’t want this. I didn’t want to lose you, I didn’t want to lose us…’
‘Who is she, Michael?’
‘You need to stop this ridiculous obsession, Ellie, because I…’
‘Who is she?’
He comes back out from behind his desk, walks right up to me, and he looks so deep into my eyes I flinch slightly.
‘She is nothing to you, do you understand? You leave her alone, you leave me alone, because if you don’t…’ He stops talking. He takes a couple of steps back from me and I wait for him to finish that sentence.
‘If I don’t, you’ll what, Michael? What will you do?’
He stares at me, and for a second or two I think we both remember just what it was we used to share. The people we used to be, how we lost it all, and it makes my heart break all over again. But then his expression hardens, and I take a deep breath. This is what we are now. This is who we are.
‘I know what really happened that night, Ellie. I tried to stop you, but you wouldn’t listen, you wouldn’t…’
‘You won’t go to the police. Why would you? You’d be in trouble too, you covered for me… What’s going to happen to her if she loses you, huh?’
He steps forward, he’s back in my space but I stand my ground. He isn’t threatening me with that, I’m not taking it.
‘I said, leave her alone. She is a student, that’s all she is, she has nothing to do with any of this. Whatever warped scenario you’ve created in your head, she doesn’t deserve to be a part of it. She has nothing to do with us.’
‘Protecting her … how noble of you, professor.’
‘I’m done with protecting you. Now go. Please. And thank you, for signing the papers. At least you’ve made one thing easy.’
I hold his gaze for a few more beats, but I’m not looking at the man I loved. The man I married. The man I loved? When did the past tense become the preferred one?
I reach behind me for the door handle, turn my back to him, but he suddenly takes hold of my other hand and swings me around to face him. And when he speaks his voice is softer. Kinder.
‘I really am sorry, Ellie.’
‘So am I, Michael. So am I.’
I’m sorry, for what happened to us.
I’m sorry, for killing the woman who tried to kill me.
I’m not sorry for the things I still have left to do.
Chapter 10
‘You’re quiet.’
Liam slowly glances up at me, he can barely manage a smile. ‘Sorry. I was just thinking.’
‘About anything in particular?’
We’re in a bar across the street from Central Station. Another of our regular places, we come here a lot. This area of Newcastle is our secret haven – this bar, the hotel over the road. The coffee shop I sometimes hang out in while I wait for Liam to finish work.
He shakes his head, but I know he’s got things on his mind. We all have.
‘Okay…’
‘I’ve been offered a job, Ellie.’
‘A job?’ I narrow my eyes. ‘What kind of job? I thought you were happy where you were?’
‘I was – I am, it’s just that…’ He leans forward, looks right at me. ‘It’s an assistant professor position, at a university in northern California.’
California? No … why is he suddenly talking about new jobs and a move to America? He’s changing everything and that unsettles me. I still need him, here.
‘They’ve heard about the research I’ve been doing, the projects I’ve been working on, and they want me to come over there, on a twelve-month contract initially, to work with them in their research facilities.’
I’m a little stunned. This has come from out of nowhere; something I can’t control. Can I?
‘Are you taking the job?’
He says nothing for a second or two, he just continues to stare into my eyes. ‘Yes. I’m taking it. It’s a great opportunity, Ellie, to take my work over to America…’
‘When are you leaving?’
‘Soon. Within the next couple of weeks.’
I turn my head away. I’m losing him too, and that scares me more than anything.
‘I want you to come with me, Ellie.’
I keep my eyes on the street outside, watching people walk by the window, getting on with their lives. Ordinary, everyday people. I envy them, I want to be them.
I slowly turn back to face him. ‘I can’t, Liam.’
I’m not ready. I may never be ready. I didn’t sign up for this. When we started this affair it was never meant to be anything but sex. An escape. I’m not comfortable with what it’s become – what he assumes it’s become. Even if it means losing him…?
I sigh quietly.
‘You knew what this was, Liam. I never promised you forever.’
His head snaps up, his eyes staring right into mine. ‘Things have changed, Ellie. Circumstances, people – everything’s changed. Your marriage is over…’
‘That doesn’t mean I’m ready to jump straight into another relationship. I don’t want another relationship, you really think I’m ready for that? You think I’m ready to follow you to America? Leave everything I know behind?’
‘I think you need me.’
‘I think you’re wrong. I don’t need anybody, not anymore.’
That’s a lie. I do need him, I just don’t want him to know that. It puts me at a disadv
antage.
‘So, that’s it? We’re done?’
‘That isn’t what I said…’
‘I’m leaving the country, but I don’t want to lose you.’ He leans in closer to me, lowers his voice. ‘I was there for you, Ellie.’
‘And for that I am truly grateful, but it doesn’t give you the right to suddenly claim me as yours. You knew from the outset that this was nothing more than sex, you changed the rules. Not me. And if you can’t live with that then maybe it’s best we do call it a day.’
I don’t mean that. I really don’t mean that.
He stares at me for what feels like an eternity, and then he sits back in his chair, turning his head away slightly.
‘Liam?’
He leaves a few beats before he looks back at me.
‘I’m sorry, okay? But everything that’s happened … I told you I killed someone, I actually said it out loud, admitted it to myself because – because up until that point I think I’ve been kidding myself that it didn’t really happen. If I never spoke about it, never said the words out loud then it never happened, I never did what I did…’
‘I don’t care, that you did that.’
I frown. ‘I took a life, Liam.’
‘And she took your baby’s. She stamped on your stomach so many times that child never stood a chance. You were bleeding out before the paramedics got there, according to Michael. So whatever guilt you might still feel over what you did, forget it, Ellie. Don’t even go there.’
I’ve tried to forget it. Every day since it happened, I’ve tried to forget what I did. But I can’t. It’s why we’re here, why we’re all in this mess, because I couldn’t forget what I did. I couldn’t forget what she did, who she was … had Michael encouraged her? Were the lies happening even back then?
‘It all leads back to him, Ellie.’
Liam’s voice drags me from those thoughts, and I look at him. ‘Sorry?’
‘Everything that happened – it’s all his fault.’
Is it? Or is he just telling me this in the hope that I’ll finally start to believe him?
‘But we can leave all this behind. We’ve got the perfect opportunity now, to get away from everything, to start again. You and me, we can make a new life for ourselves in California…’
‘You make it sound so easy.’
‘There’s nothing hard about it. We pack a few bags, and we go to America. It really is that simple. And I promise you, it will get better. I’ll make it better.’
I look at him again, right into those deep grey eyes. ‘What about my work, Liam? What about the salons, the spa…?’
‘You’ve got people you trust who can run your businesses, you don’t need to be here.’
I do. For now. I need to be here, I just can’t tell him why. Because he’ll stop me. He’ll tell me to walk away, and I will, when I’ve done what I need to do. When I’ve finished the job.
‘I can make this better.’
I don’t know. Am I willing to hurt him, to be with him in the way he wants me to be with him when I’m just not ready? I care about him, I really do, I just don’t know if I love him. And maybe, just maybe, it’s getting to a point where I’m tired of the lies. I just want them to end.
I look down at the wedding band still there on my finger.
‘Give me your hand, Ellie.’
I look up. I hold out my left hand, I watch as he slides the wedding band off my finger and slips it into his pocket.
‘It’s over. He doesn’t want you anymore, and you don’t need him. Okay? It’s over.’
It will be.
Soon.
It’ll all be over…
Chapter 11
He told me to leave her alone.
I can’t do that.
I won’t do that.
Our marriage might be over but I still need to expose the lies I’m convinced he’s been telling. The lie he’s been living. I still need to know why he’s so defensive of this woman. This girl. I need to see his betrayal once and for all, and I won’t settle until that happens.
He knows everything now. He knows of my betrayal, I still know so little of his. But that’s going to change.
I watch as she leaves the house, pulling her jacket around herself, but I can still make out her baby bump, as small as it still is. She’s made no attempt to hide it today.
What happened to those baggy jumpers I saw you wearing before, Ava? Now it’s all out in the open – now you have my husband, did he tell you it’s okay to flaunt that bump? Tell the world what you’re doing?
I watch as she climbs into her car, takes out her phone and makes a call. Is she calling Michael? Are they arranging to meet? If they are, I’ll find out. I’m not leaving anyone alone.
She puts her phone away, starts the car and drives off, and I wait just a second or two before I start to follow her. I don’t want to lose sight of her, but I need to remain discreet.
She heads towards Durham, and I manage to stay just a car or so behind her. I’m keeping her well within my sights. And when I realize where it is she’s actually heading my stomach tightens, but I can’t let it get to me. I have to stay focused, remember why I’m doing this.
She pulls into the hospital car park, and I park up a little way away from her, keeping that distance. But just being here again … I haven’t been here since that night. The night I lost my baby. Now she’s here to check up on hers.
I watch her walk towards the Obstetrics and Gynaecology department, and I hang back a little before I start to follow her. I don’t want to be seen, even though she has no idea who I am. It’s obvious where she’s going, but I need to see if she’s come here alone, that’s why I need to hang back, why I need to keep out of sight. When she reaches the entrance and stops to look at her watch, I know for sure that she isn’t going in there on her own.
My heart starts beating hard and fast, a sickening anticipation flooding my gut as she leans back against the wall, and the way she’s looking around – she’s waiting for someone. For Michael?
I’ve been keeping close tabs on Ava Douglas – I remember her surname now – for a few days. I can’t follow Michael anymore, he’s too aware, too suspicious, so I’m following her instead. And it’s harder than following Michael. I have to second guess a lot of things. I check Michael’s schedule as much as I can, for lectures. Tutorials. I assume she’s going to be places, and sometimes I’m right. I get lucky. Other times she isn’t where I think she might be. But she almost always goes home at some point, and that’s where I watch her most. At home. I’m there most evenings, every morning. I’ll be there, until I see what I need to see. Until I’ve exposed my husband’s secret, because he doesn’t get to play the innocent victim here. We’re all to blame. All of us. Nobody gets to be the good guy.
She checks her watch again, looks around her, again, and then she steps away from the wall. I shift my gaze to follow hers, because she’s obviously caught sight of whoever it is she’s meeting.
I take a step back, just to make sure I can’t be seen, but I don’t move my eyes. I keep staring at her, until I see him approach. Michael. Of course she’s meeting Michael.
She smiles when she sees him, and as he envelopes her in a hug that sick feeling in my stomach intensifies. I raise my phone and click away, take as many photographs as I can of the two of them together before they disappear inside. Do the staff in there remember him? From that night? The night we lost our baby … but he has another chance, to be a parent. I don’t have that, I never will, and I have to swallow down that realization before the grief engulfs me again. That can’t happen here, not here. Not now. But it’s hard, keeping it at bay.
I lower my phone, and I frown, because they don’t seem to be heading inside just yet. Michael’s checking his watch now, both of them looking over towards the car park, and then Ava leans in to him. She takes his hand and she squeezes it, and he smiles at her, and I’m struggling to know what I’m really feeling here.
And then she
stands up on tip toes and waves at someone, I can’t see who yet. Who else could they be waiting for? I crane my neck to see if anyone else is coming, and I’m surprised and slightly confused to see another couple approach them. A dark-haired woman and a man of around Michael’s age. They reach Michael and Ava, and I watch as he shakes the man’s hand, leans in to the woman to kiss her cheek. I watch as they both hug Ava, and then I quickly remember why I’m here, and I raise my phone again, capture a few more images before they all finally head inside.
For a few seconds I just stand there, watching the doors they’ve disappeared through. I can only assume that other couple were Ava’s parents. They seemed to be the right age – Michael’s age? Are they really that accepting of their daughter’s relationship with a man almost twice her age? A man who got her pregnant? Her fucking English professor?
I know exactly what I’m feeling now. I hate him. All the love I thought I still felt for him, that’s been sucked out of me. His lies. His deceit. His willingness to break his promise to protect me, in order to protect her … I hate him.
I turn to go, making my way back to my car.
I’ve accepted the inevitable, but this ends only one way.
My way.
Chapter 12
He slams me back against the wall, grasps my wrists tight so I can’t struggle free. Because I’m fighting him. I want this, I do, but not with him. Yes, with him. I don’t know. What I saw this morning messed with my already fucked up head, all I could think of as I drove away from the hospital was seeing this man. Doing this.
‘Pretend I’m him, if that’s what you need to do,’ Liam murmurs into my neck, his beard rough against my skin. ‘Hurt me, the way you want to hurt him.’
I wrench one hand free of his grip and I push his head up, so he looks at me. I make him look at me, and then I push him away. I pull my dress off over my head. He smiles, and takes a step towards me; he’s ready. He’s always ready.
He reaches out to touch my hip, lowers his head to kiss my neck, my breasts. I breathe in as he pushes me back onto the bed. But this is happening my way today, and I nudge him over onto his back. I straddle him, scrape my nails down his chest as I lower myself down onto him. And he knows how to fight back. He’s over me in a heartbeat, still inside me as his body bears down on mine, as he thrusts and pounds into me despite the fact I’m clawing at his shoulders, his neck. I’m closing my eyes and pretending he’s my lying, cheating husband. A man I never thought I’d stop loving … maybe I haven’t stopped loving him. Maybe wanting to hurt him – maybe it’s because I know I’ve lost him, and I still can’t deal with that. Is it myself I’m really angry with? That thought only serves to intensify my growing anger and I push Liam away with an almost violent force. But he’s right back at me, grabbing me by the hips, digging his fingers into my flesh so hard I can already feel the bruises appearing. He pulls me back down onto him, sitting up as I wrap my legs around him. I pull at his hair, kiss him so hard I feel his blood on my lips, the bitter metallic taste filling my mouth, but I don’t stop. He doesn’t want me to stop, this is what we do. Fucked up sex. We’re fucked up people. Now.
Till Death Do Us Part Page 5