Custodians of the Cosmos

by Drayton Alan

  “Wait, why do we have to check the labs?” Kale asked.

  Nigel gave Kale a look like the question had been stupid and Kale realized it had been. But, Nigel patiently explained again, “It’s easy, boy. The computer shows the doors remained sealed for the entire battle. So, the labs should be clean, but if they’re not, the captain will ream us out for not checking ’em. There’s a small chance the vibration from the depressurating might have upset one of the captain’s precious turnips or something. Don’t touch the plants, just sweep dirt and report. Now go.”

  Nigel pointed Kale to a door marked “Xenobotany Lab Two.”

  “Place your I.D. badge up by the reader and the door will open. Oh, and don’t go near the big plant in the back. He gets a little feisty sometimes,” Before Kale could say anything else, Nigel had entered the other door.

  This wasn’t something Kale was comfortable with—he had a serious plant phobia. As a child, he’d had a nasty run-in with a carnivorous plant. Ever since, he stayed well away from any plant bigger than a dandelion. He told himself the bit about the big plant was a joke on the new guy.

  Chapter 3

  Kale’s badge triggered the door, and it slid open with a quick satisfying whoosh. He stepped in and one of the small vac-bots followed him.

  “What are you doing, little fellow? You don’t need to come in here.” The door whooshed shut, and the room was black except a few eerie blue indicator lights. His goggles fogged with the higher humidity of the room. He slid them onto his forehead and unfastened his respirator latch.

  “Computer, lights on, please.”

  “Unable to comply,” the computer announced. Night phase is required to prevent damage to alien plant life.”

  “Well, I can’t walk around in the dark. How can I check things without light? Give me some light to maneuver with, at least.”

  “Navigation floor panels illumination level two permitted,” the computer said.

  “Okay, give me, floor panel illumination level two, please.”

  The floors brightened, and gave Kale just enough light to walk.

  “That’s not much light,” Kale said. He was frustrated and uneasy. With his respirator loose, the room had a sour earthy smell, almost fishy.

  Off to his right, he heard a strange scuffling noise and a clang. The small vac-bot went wheeling by him rolling on its side. It lost forward momentum, spiraled on its edge a moment, and then stopped. Kale bent over and picked up the small robot.

  “What’s got into you, little fella?”

  As he stood up, still holding the robot, an alien squidman emerged from its hiding place. Silently, it lashed out at him with its tentacles. Before he could react, its slimy arms had wrapped around his chest and face, cramming the small robot against his stomach.

  An entertaining fact Kale would probably not be interested in at this point, was that a squidman could roll up into a ball as small as two feet across. When it wanted too, it could unravel, stand on two tentacles, and stretch into a sixteen-foot tall monster.

  Instinctively, Kale tried to call out for help, but the big slimy arm wrapped itself around his face and covered his mouth. He felt its small disc-shaped cups dig into his skin. He struggled to breathe through his nose, but the creature’s slime filled his nostrils. His hands were trapped in front of him and he couldn’t break free. And he still held the robot plastered to his belly.

  The squidman pulled him closer, its beaklike maw clicked mere inches from his face. Its putrid breath made breathing even more difficult. Kale struggled against panic, trying everything he knew to get free.

  Without realizing it, he bumped a button on the robot and heard the familiar hum of its cleaning teleporter. This gave Kale an idea, he frantically felt the rim of the vac-bot for the other button Belle had showed him. Still choking and kicking, Kale’s left index finger somehow found the right button, and he heard the robot’s door flap open. So, he pushed the robot’s green teleport button again. There was a loud hum-pop! The result was instantaneous. The creature’s grip slackened as the tentacle that had bound his arms was severed by the vac-bot’s teleport. The detached tentacle fell to the floor thrashing wildly, smashing plants nearby. The alien screeched in pain.

  With his arms free, Kale pushed the robot forward. This placed the vac-bot’s open teleport chamber into the creature’s beak. The squid snapped its sharp snout down onto the robot. Kale pushed the green button again and again.

  Hum-pop!

  Hum-pop!

  In an instant, half the alien’s beak and mouth vanished. Translucent green fluid sprayed out of the giant wound, coating Kale’s face with slime. Enraged, the monster smashed him against a plant stand. Still, Kale kept hold of the robot. He pushed it hard against the alien’s torso.

  Hum-pop!

  Hum-pop!

  A six-inch section of the thing’s body vanished, purple goo spewed out of the wound. As the beast shuddered and convulsed, it tossed Kale across the room. He struck the back wall of the lab hard and slid down it. Fortunately, he’d landed out of the creature’s reach. Gasping, he struggled to regain his breath. The impact had jarred the robot from his grip and it bounced away from him in the dark. Kale got enough breath and yelled, “Computer, intruder alert!”

  A klaxon alarm went off and the lights in the room finally turned on. Helpfully, the computer announced, “Intruder override initiated, security alerted. Remain calm, please.”

  The alien screamed in anger, but likely not at the stupidity of the computer's announcement. The squid’s voice was so loud and high pitched it shattered a glass mirror on the wall by the sink. With full light and nothing to lose, the squidman pulled a plasma pistol from its equipment belt and began shooting.

  Kale rolled under a big plant on a nearby table stand and crawled as far back against the wall as possible. The monster was slithering toward him. He searched desperately for anything to use as a weapon. There was nothing.

  As the squidman’s tentacles approached, Kale heard a strange rustling noise. The big bush on the table above him was agitated. Its leaves savagely sliced the air. The alien, unaware of the nature of the plant, got too close. The plant struck out toward it, stretching its long razor-edged leaves to their maximum reach. The squidman gave out another agonized screech. The razor bush sliced again and cut into the monster; a few tentacles fell to the floor.

  That’s when the door burst open, and the captain charged in. The squidman turned his weapon and shot at the captain. The captain returned fire, killing it. It crumpled to the floor, like a deflated balloon, oozing fluids.

  The captain canceled the alarm and scanned the room for more hostiles. Nigel and Belle came in behind him.

  “Kale, are you okay?” Belle shouted.

  Kale started to answer, but as soon as he made a noise, the plant’s flailing blades moved down toward him. He froze.

  “Computer, reduce lights,” the captain ordered. “Boy, be still and stay quiet. The Narnranian Razor Bush is attracted to sound and movement. It will settle down in a moment once it is dark and quiet in here.”

  Kale hardly breathed as he waited. After a few moments, the noise and movement of the plant subsided. No one spoke a word.

  Finally, when the plant had been quiet for a few minutes, the captain whispered, “Yeoman, you can move slowly away from it now, be careful not to make any noise or sudden moves. Stay low.”

  Slowly Kale crawled out from under the table, careful not to make a sound. He was almost clear when the door to the room flew open again. It was Lieutenant. Commander Nord and a security team responding to the intruder alert.

  “Lights on,” Nord commanded, as he expertly rolled into the room.

  The five-man security team all tried to follow him. They even tried to imitate Nord’s commando-style roll, but the first two of them collided in the doorway. Suddenly the door was jammed as five men, all trying to get through it at once, became wedged in the small opening.

  The razor bush, upset again, slashed
blindly, just catching Kale’s backside as he crawled the last few inches clear of it. He yelled and leaped out of its reach. He crawled as far as possible away from the thing and collapsed, moaning in pain.

  An ensign from the security detail, pulled free of the doorway tussle and took aim at the razor bush with his blaster. The captain cuffed the man’s wrist hard, knocking the gun to the floor. “Stand down, ensign, the threat is past. That is not the enemy, it is merely a murderous house plant.”

  The captain, an amateur xenobotonist, kept his rarest plants in this lab, and he wasn’t about to let some trigger-happy security officer blast his prize specimen.

  “Sorry, sir,” Nord began. “We thought you were in jeopardy.”

  “Good thing we weren’t. We would have been slaughtered as your men tackled the insurmountable challenge of the doorway.”

  Embarrassed, Nord replied, “I’m sorry, sir. I take full responsibility for their failure. I have been working with them, but…” He looked with disgust at the men. One of them was struggling to untangle his arm from the special sash worn by security officers.

  “Security team dismissed!” Commander Nord barked. The men turned to leave, but they were still not sure of who was supposed to go through the door first. After a few false starts, they finally orchestrated their exit.

  Kale moaned.

  “Computer, alert medical,” Belle said. She and Nigel had gone to him. Nigel was holding a towel on his wound until the medics beamed in.

  “Hang in there, Newbers,” Nigel reassured.

  The captain looked at Kale’s wound and exclaimed, “Impressive wound, how does it feel yeoman?”

  “It’s pretty painful, sir.”

  “Well, after you get treated I’ll want to get a full report of what happened here—meanwhile, get well soon.”

  The medical team teleported in, slapped a med-evac badge on Kale, and before he could say Custodiotics, he was in the medical bay having his jumpsuit cut away.

  The captain, unwilling to touch the alien corpse, took a rod and slid it into a position to allow examination. He prodded a strange device on the creature’s belt.

  “That looks like a portable transporter,” Belle said. “Probably used it to escape the decompression. It’s like the ones my robots use, but it’s rigged to some kind of super capacitor for power. Probably only good for one use.”

  “Yeoman,” the captain said. “While I appreciate your enthusiasm, I’d prefer to get some real engineers to examine it.” He put on gloves, unfastened the belt, and rolled the squid off of it.

  “Computer, have someone from engineering stop by my lab and pick up this device for examination.”

  “Yes, Captain, engineering has been informed,” the computer replied.

  Belle wondered why she even tried to help. The officers on this ship were as stupid as they were arrogant. She picked up the damaged vac-bot that had saved Kale, carefully disabled its teleport function, and walked out of the lab without another word to the captain. She wished it was possible to slam the door dramatically on her way out, but it just whooshed shut. It was unbelievable how condescending the captain had been. The thought of it made her fume.

  The captain, oblivious to her rage, tended his plants that had been knocked over and upset. He spoke to them and pretended they were talking back.

  Nigel, realized that he’d been left alone with the captain, so he began quietly walking to the door.

  Without looking around the captain said, “Oh, and computer, please alert the custodial crew to take care of this mess.”

  “Custodial request made,” the computer replied.

  Nigel, who was now standing by the door, turned around as if he had just come through it and said, “Custodian Nigel Van Mullet, at your service, sir.”

  “Oh there you are, finally. Have your people get this mess cleaned up, pronto.”

  “Yes, sir. Right away, sir.”

  Nigel dragged the squidman’s body out into the hallway to harvest a nice pearl without the prying eyes of the captain. A few minutes later, Nigel came back into the lab to finish. He’d disposed of the alien and acquired an exceptionally large pearl.

  The captain, who was distracted tending his damaged plants, said, “What do you want, yeoman?”

  Nigel pointed at the pool of slime where the alien body had laid and the dirt scattered everywhere. He asked, “I’ll take care of this then, sir?”

  “Oh, I thought you’d finished. Yes of course. Make it thus.”

  The captain stopped his work and turned to look at Nigel. “Wait, aren’t you the one called Nigel?”

  Nigel, trying to sound innocent, said, “Who, me, sir?”

  “Yes, you. I have a question.” He looked around to be certain everyone had left.

  “Yes, sir?” Nigel looked at the captain with his best poker face. The captain didn’t notice. Only the foolhardy would study Nigel’s face for intent and run the risk of triggering the gag reflex.

  So, without looking him in the face, the captain said, “I’m told that you might have access to some, let us say low-priced, pirate holovid chips?” His voice was soft and hushed.

  Nigel smiled in relief and said, “Yes, sir, I run across them from time to time.”

  “Excellent, there’s a new version of a particular musical show I’d like you to procure...”

  Chapter 4

  Belle made her way back to the custodial service wing of the ship limping slightly—she needed to adjust the sensors on her artificial legs. She’d lost them as a child and had robotic ones ever since. Walking past the laundry replicators, she could smell the new clothing being replicated in place of the old dirty ones. As she passed the morgue’s sorting area, she thought she heard a woman talking, but Emma, the morgue tech, worked alone. She had always been a little odd, and it was best not to interrupt her.

  When Belle arrived at the custodian’s shop. She entered its main room. It was lined with shelves containing cleaning supplies and the various tools for getting dirt and grime out of any conceivable nook or cranny. Her robotics lab was one of the rooms off this main one.

  Still upset at the captain, she put the little vac-bot down and flopped into her chair.

  Her office was an organized clutter of robots, robot parts, and tools. The room was stacked with old robot carcasses, mechanical interface modules, and dusty award plaques. Belle had won every award and every honor in the field of robotic engineering, but she left it all to come work on the starship. Why a young, intelligent woman would waste her time flying around the galaxy, risking squidman attacks and idiotic officers, when she could have a nice comfortable life in a research lab was a mystery.

  Belle knew the reasons, no matter how hard she’d denied it. She claimed it was because she hated the rules and restrictions top-secret research required. But there was more to it.

  Belle activated her display monitor and brought up the robot duty roster. It showed every robot on the ship, its state of health, its location, and current assignment. She had designed this program for the robotics manufacturer, Tark industries, five years ago. Most of her robots were doing typical maintenance repairs and replacements as scheduled. Several of the smaller vac-bots constantly patrolled the ship picking up dust, lint, and small items. They’d teleport them to a special room that scanned the debris for lost items and teleport the dirt out into space somewhere.

  Belle knew Frakes would blame her for what happened with Reggie during the battle. He never missed a chance to make her look bad, and the sad reason was that she always shot down his romantic advances. She reviewed the robot’s last assignment and schedule. As she had figured, Reggie had been in the area doing standard updates and replacements, the poor thing didn’t even know it was in the middle of a battle.

  She picked up Reggie from the teleport platform and loaded his carcass in the repair chamber and the machine scanned him for missing and damaged parts. Then it started replacing and replicating new ones into place.

  “Computer, how ol
d is my last backup of Reggie?”

  “Maintenance robot code named Reggie’s personality was backed up yesterday at nineteen hundred hours, ship standard time,” the computer said.

  “Okay, computer please restore him to last backup and add my new subroutine, entitled Frakes is an idiot.”

  “I show fifty-seven subroutines with that name, which would you like me to install?”

  “The most recent.”

  A man cleared his throat at the door to her office. “I’m honored you name your programs after me, Belle. But wouldn’t the title, Frakes is a handsome hunk of manliness, be more fitting?”

  Belle turned to see the first officer standing in her doorway.

  “Don’t you ever knock?” Belle said, irritated.

  “On a starship? That’s not protocol, besides I wanted to make your day by surprising you with a visit.”

  “Okay, I’m surprised. Now leave.” Belle typed a quick message summoning her friend Idonna from the next office to help repel the first officer’s advances.

  “What and miss my chance to file a complaint about you and your robots?” Frakes said.

  “You don’t need to come here to do that. You can file your little report with all the rest and let the captain deal with me. I’m busy here, just leave.”

  “I’m getting the feeling I’m not wanted. What ever happened to us, Belle? You have to admit there’s a certain connection between you and me. I can feel it, I know you feel it too. Why do you fight it?”

  Belle didn’t look at him and held back her anger.

  “Come on, pretty momma, go out with me again. I miss our drinks together. I want you to spend a little more time with me. How is that a terrible thing?”

  “It was one drink, ONE time! Back when we first met. I thought you were being hospitable. After that I promised myself to never waste that much time on you again.” She was tired of his constant pestering and arrogance. The most irritating part of all this was that she did feel a strange connection to the man. It wasn’t a romantic feeling but there was something, something oddly familiar. She ignored him and turned back to her computer display.