Custodians of the Cosmos

by Drayton Alan

  “Good, now let’s commence to celebrate some.”

  It was a day of celebration and partying by the ship’s crew and officers, but soon the revelers lost interest—and consciousness. The next day found the custodians cleaning up the huge mess. Kale thought that his head was going to explode but he had survived the war, the party, and now the cleanup.

  ***

  The morning of the peace conference, the custodial crew was hard at work. They’d been ordered to sanitize the conference room that was to be used by the squidmen with a special solution. The squidmen had sent it to them by means of a courier to prepare for the talks. That way there was no chance the visiting squidmen dignitaries could get any kind of infection and blame it on the Coalition.

  The entire custodial crew, in full lime green gear, was spraying and disinfecting the room in preparation. Everyone had been called to help, even Belle was there, personally supervising the robots. They had to change the floor panels out with ones that would hold the three inches of water the squid had demanded as a comfort condition. They were all wearing breathing protection to prevent the fumes of the special squid sanitizing solution from bothering them.

  The ship shook as a wave of sleeping gas bombs hit the ship.

  Small canisters appeared in every major area and triggered, spewing out gas until the entire crew, except for the custodians, who were wearing breathing protection, fell into a deep sleep.

  Kale was the first to notice the canister when it appeared in the center of the room and fell to the deck pouring out smoke.

  “What’s that thing?” Kale asked.

  Belle saw it and didn’t hesitate. “Reggie, dispose of that now!”

  Reggie was there in a moment. He scooped it up, placed it in a disposal container, and teleported it into space.

  “Dis don’t look good,” Idonna said.

  “Some sort of gas weapon, I reckon,” Nigel said.

  “Who would want to upset the peace talks?” Kale asked.

  “Lots of people, Kale. Especially the people that make money from war,” Lou said. “Computer, where did that canister come from?”

  “An unidentified ship some two-thousand kilometers from the Cosmos and closing,” the computer reported.

  “Why haven’t we gone to red alert?” Kale asked.

  “Computer, what is the ship’s current status?” Belle asked.

  “Ship is at condition green, no alerts or threats reported.”

  The lieutenant took over, “Computer, what is the crew’s current status? Why aren’t we going to red alert?”

  “Crew is sleeping, except for people in conference room one. The red alert order has not been given.”

  “Computer, go to red alert! We are under attack. Put up shields now!” the lieutenant shouted to the machine.

  “Unable to comply, according to Coalition regulation twenty-three-point-fifty-seven a red alert order can only be issued by a bridge or command officer. I have put in a request so that the captain will see it as soon as he awakens,” the computer spoke in an aggravating helpful tone.

  “Computer, override!” Belle shouted.

  “I’m sorry. I am unable.”

  The lieutenant, in his best impression of the captain’s voice, tried. “Computer, this is the captain, go to red alert.”

  “Your impression of the captain is quite good, Lieutenant Clontan. I would rate it at ninety-two percent accurate. The crew will find that very entertaining,” the computer said encouragingly.

  “It was worth a try. Everyone stay here. I’ll head to the bridge to see if I can sort this out,” the lieutenant ran out of the room towards the elevator.

  “I knew dis was gonna be bad. I told you, didn’t I?” Idonna was worried.

  The air near Nigel shimmered.

  “Oh crap! We have visitors,” Kale said.

  Everyone held up their spray bottles in a futile gesture of defense.

  The shimmering stopped, and in its place, were ten Lactarian warriors and the princess in full battle gear.

  Nigel’s spray bottle squeaked in a long slow woooonk as he depressed the plunger trigger.

  The Lactarian’s held their weapons in a no-nonsense don’t-even-think-about-being-a-hero fashion. The custodians dropped their spray bottles to be certain the Lactarians didn’t perceive them as a threat.

  The tension broke as the princess ran from behind the warriors and straight to Nigel. She swept him up off the ground and embraced him.

  “I found you! My little sweet-cheese. I have been looking everywhere. I’ve come to take you home!”

  Nigel looked embarrassed, and said, “Glennie, don’t call me that in front of my associates, please. You’re embarrassin’ me.”

  “Wait, I thought we rescued you from her,” Belle said, but Glennie, Nigel’s wife, took off her helmet to reveal her stunning beauty. Belle’s jaw dropped and she stared.

  “Kinda rescued, well, you see...” Nigel stammered.

  “I think I know,” Kale said. “You didn’t want to be rescued, did you?”

  “Well, I did, but I also didn’t,” Nigel explained. “Ya see, I didn’t like being all kidnapped and taken prisoner like that. It just wasn’t fittin’, and it demeanored my manlihood and all. But, I had been talking to Glennie, I mean Princess Glendena, for a few days before the wedding, and well, she’s a fine young woman. Since we was to be getting married and all, I figured I would overlook kidnapping. But, then you all showed up and rescued me. Going to all the trouble and risk. I couldn’t just go crawling back to her after that. I have my pride, ya know.”

  “So that’s why you didn’t return my messages?” The princess tried to sound upset, but no one believed she was, because she wouldn’t quit smiling and kissing Nigel. “You’re my husband. I have been worried sick about you. You should’ve called me at least! Do you have any idea what I did before I found out you were back here with your friends? I accused Procurator Fresland of kidnapping you. It took us weeks to verify he hadn’t. I almost started a nasty war over you… you scalawag.” She poked Nigel in the ribs and he blushed. So, she kissed him again.

  “Well, that’s an interesting development,” Belle said. “Procurator Fresland? Isn’t that the name on the invitation we found? Who is he?”

  “Oh, he’s the despotic dictator of the gamma zone,” the princess said. “Near the Dome Nebula.”

  “He’s me?” Kale said. “The VIP I impersonated is some despotic dictator?” He shot a look at Belle.

  “Oops?” she said.

  “Yes, and he wasn’t happy when we explained the reason for our mistake.” Looking at Kale, Glendena said, “You were very clever and brave to rescue your friend like that. We don’t have men like you where we come from. My sister Cheisa here would like to meet you.”

  “Sister?” Kale asked.

  She pointed to one of the amazon warriors who was looking at Kale with open admiration and a gorgeous smile. Cheisa walked over and stood in front of him.

  Kale was overwhelmed by what only could be described as her sheer womanliness. She was a foot taller than him and every inch a warrior beauty, shapely and muscular. She reminded Kale of Wonder Woman, but he figured no one else would get the obscure twenty-first century pop culture reference. Still, she was an amazing woman.

  “Pleasure to meet you, Cheisa,” Kale said. The woman picked him up in a hug that nearly cracked his spine.

  “You are a brave man, Kale Butterly,” Cheisa said. “I don’t want you to fear Procurator Fresland’s reprisals. I shall stay by your side and fight to the death to protect you.”

  “Reprisals?” Kale asked, a newfound sense of dread filled his heart.

  “Yes, the penalty for impersonating him is severe, and creative,” the princess added.

  “Severe…and creative?” Kale gulped.

  The princess and her sister nodded

  “Can you put me down now?” Kale asked Cheisa. He was having difficulty breathing.

  “Come with me, Nigel. I need
you by my side. I’ve come to take you home,” Princess Glendena said. She grabbed his arm.

  “Now wait a minute, I’m not sure I should go. I have my life back; Nigel Van Mullet isn’t just some boy-toy for you to drag around behind you.”

  Idonna couldn’t hold it in any longer and she laughed, deep and hearty. “So, we got us a little romance problem, den. Dat is my department. Now let me get dis straight.”

  She looked at the princess and said, “So, you in love with dis man?”

  The Princess shook her head in enthusiastic agreement.

  Idonna said, “So, you got dis beautiful girl in love with you den? Do you love her back?”

  “Well ya, but I aint never had much of a chance to court her right. The way it’s supposed to be. The man makes the first move, and he asks the girl to marry. If there’s any kidnapping, it’s me that’s supposed to do it, that’s all. It’s just not right, but yeah I love her, she’s smart, beautiful, and strong as an ox.”

  “A more romantic ding has never been said,” Idonna joked. “Okay den, dis is simple.”

  She turned back to the princess. “Are you willing to let Nigel court you and maybe kidnap you, and then be his bride?”

  The princess was in ecstasy. “A man that would do that is a man to be not just loved, but worshiped.”

  “Okay, settle down—men like dat aren’t special,” Idonna said.

  Under her breath, Belle said, “Yeah, they’re criminals.”

  Nigel complained. “Well how can I do that? With her living in her palace of cheese so far removed from everyone. And what about my career? I’m the best custodian this ship’s ever had, you want me to give all that up?”

  “I will come here to live,” the princess said. “I will get a room on the ship, and you will come court me, and you can continue your life here. I don’t care. I will go anywhere to be with you.”

  “You would?” Nigel asked.

  “Yes. I love you. I will sacrifice my career, my kingdom, to be with you.”

  “I can’t do that, you’re too good a princess. Maybe we could work it out so we could go halfsies. I’ll commence to princing six months out of a year and you can be a custodian’s wife the other six?”

  The princess smiled and nodded.

  “See, I knew dat if we talked we can make it all work. Everybody happy now?” Idonna asked.

  Everyone shook their heads except the princess’s sister Cheisa. “I want this one.” She picked up Kale again like he was a big doll.

  “That’s not how we Earthlings do it sister, put him down,” Belle said.

  Everyone in the room heads swiveled. Had Belle just issued a challenge to the Amazon princess?

  “I’m just saying. I don’t like people getting forced to do stuff against their will is all.” Belle realized what she said might have sounded like a challenge. She hoped she hadn’t just declared battle. So, she backpedaled, “Um, well, not that I’m saying he’s my guy... He’s like my brother.” She didn’t sound convincing.

  Idonna intervened. “Dat’s okay girl, I know what you meant.” She turned to Cheisa and said, “Humans like to be romanced, girl. If you wantin’ to date young Kale here, he got to agree first. Got it?” Idonna was as big and strong as the Lactarians so her words had a bit more weight than little Belle’s.

  Kale finally spoke up for himself. “Look, Cheisa, I’m sure you are a nice girl, but I can’t get into the academy if I’m married. I have to put my career first, I’m afraid. Maybe someday, later.”

  “You humans and your careers,” Cheisa said. “If that’s what you want then. I guess that’s what happens when a culture allows their men out of the home and into the workplace. Next thing they’ll be putting urinals on our space ships.” The other Amazon warriors had a good laugh.

  “We are finished here,” Princess Glendena declared.

  “Wait, before you leave, we need you to wake everyone up. The peace talks with the squidmen start in two hours! The captain needs to conduct them,” Belle said.

  “The gas probably won’t wear off for another three hours. There’s no safe way to wake someone from it. I’m sorry, I hope we didn’t upset the negotiations, but I had to talk to my Nigel bear,” the princess said.

  “There’s no antidote or wake-up drug we can give them?” Belle asked.

  “No, I’m sorry,” the princess said. “If I’d known…but now you must stall the talks somehow.”

  “If da price of love be war, it shall be,” Idonna said.

  “Okay, we’ll think of something,” Belle said. “You’d better leave; if the squidmen ambassadors pick up your ship on long range sensors they will see it as a threat.”

  The princess turned to Nigel and said, “Until my return, farewell, my love. I will go make arrangements with my mother.” She walked over to Nigel and gave him a long passionate kiss.

  “Can you put me down now, please?” Kale asked Cheisa. He was still having difficulty breathing. She smiled, kissed him, and set him on his feet.

  “Just so you think about what you’re missing,” Cheisa said.

  Then the Lactarians were gone. Leaving Nigel and Kale behind.

  “Now what?” Kale asked.

  When the lieutenant returned from the bridge, he confirmed the entire crew was asleep. He had contacted the Coalition, and they had discussed possible solutions. Nigel explained to him what had happened with his wife and the cause of the sleeping gas.

  “Perhaps a delay—we can tell the squidmen there’s a problem and delay it for a few hours?” Belle suggested.

  “I thought of that and so I spoke with the Coalition’s diplomatic team. They said if we didn’t find a way to have the peace talks at the appointed time the squidmen would be gravely insulted. Their culture places an unreasonable importance on punctuality. Most likely they’d cancel the talks immediately and the war would continue, perhaps for years.”

  “I know,” Idonna suggested. “You can do your wonderful impression of the captain, we will fool dem.”

  “That’s no good,” Belle said. “They will have been given dossiers on everyone in the negotiation. So, it’s important that they see the captain speaking in person. Well through the window anyway.”

  “I have an idea,” Kale said.

  Everyone turned to him expectantly.

  “Has anyone ever heard of Muppets?”

  Chapter 12

  The squidmen delegation’s ship arrived on schedule and they waited until the exact appointed time to beam into the specially prepared room. Everything in their room was set.

  The room for the Coalition negotiators was ready too. At the table sat the captain and second officer Nord, smiling and nodding. They had a happy relaxed look, whatever drug the Lactarians had used, the officers seemed to enjoy their temporary comas.

  Kale’s plan might even work, because from the viewpoint of the squidman, the captain and second officer were sitting behind a standard human conference table in an ordinary room. However, the room now was anything but ordinary.

  With a few simple commands, the robots had altered the structure of the conference room by lowering the floor five feet. The captain and Nord’s chairs were propped up on boxes and the table legs were extended by poles. This made it appear that the two of them were sitting behind a normal conference table from the perspective of the squidman’s window.

  The newly expanded, but unseen area below, allowed the makeshift puppeteers to operate the sleeping officers. Using a simple system of rods, pulleys, and fine wire; they could move the torsos, arms, and necks of the sleeping officers.

  Chopi and Nigel were to operate the men’s arms and body functions while Kale and Idonna operated head nodding and neck turning. The lieutenant would do his imitation of the captain’s voice from below the table.

  Belle injected some specialized neuroelectrodes into the captain's face to control the muscles used for speaking, expressions, and emotions remotely. Each of these was wirelessly linked to sensors stuck to the lieutenant’s
face, so that his expressions would be mirrored on the captain’s face. This wasn’t new to Belle, she had done a lot of work with these controllers during her time in the cybernetics department at Tark Industries. She’d even set up a touch screen with buttons for a few basic emotions and rigged his eyelids to blink at random intervals. To have put this together in under two hours was amazing. However, this ruse would be even more fantastic if it worked to fool the squidmen and end the war.

  The puppeteers had almost no time to practice before the squidmen arrived. They just barely had it working for a quick test before it was time.

  As a security measure, the squidmen brought their own translation device. But the ship’s computer would monitor and verify both sides of the translation in case any misunderstandings occurred. The cameras recording the negotiations had been positioned carefully to avoid exposing the puppeteers.

  With everything set, the squidmen gave the signal for the negotiations to begin.

  As had been negotiated, the human delegation was to flail their arms about, to imitate the traditional squidman greeting ritual. In return, the squidmen had agreed to say ‘what’s shakin’, bacon,’ in response to the humans. Yes, it was a bit strange but to the thinking of the squids, shaking was a normal part of any greeting, and bacon was a universally positive meat. So, that was the greeting that both sides had agreed to.

  Chopi and Nigel worked the poles and ropes to cause the captain and second officer to fail their arms in what they hoped was the equivalent of a formal greeting in squidese. Papers they read on the subject were not helpful since squidese is a dyeing language. That meant that you are required to squirt out a small burst of purple ink to add emphasis on certain phrases.

  The squidman squealed the equivalent phrase in their language and the translator said, “What’s shakin’, bacon?”

  Most of the peace terms had been discussed and decided through diplomatic channels, however the ritual face-to-face meeting was required to show good faith and reveal any hidden malice.

  Things were going well at first as each of the puppeteers attempted to replicate natural movements. However, there was an overall floppiness that couldn’t be helped. There was no way to replicate the tone and rigidity of a conscious human with an unconscious one.