Custodians of the Cosmos

by Drayton Alan

  Frakes gave a deep and hearty laugh at the puns and slapped Kale on the back with a resounding thump. “Oh, how I have missed your merry kinship my dear Frederick. I am so glad to have you back aboard. Miss Ruth and yourself will have a long and pleasant stay with me.” Frakes wore a genuine, albeit artificial, smile.

  Kale’s bladder after two days of holding it, and now standing in an inch of water with trickling sounds everywhere, brought a new and unavoidable priority to Kale’s mind. He started a little cross-legged dance.

  “Excuse me, Captain, sir, may I please use the, um... head, sir? The poop deck, so-to-speak?”

  “Of course, where are my manners, you have been through quite an ordeal,” Frakes said. “You need to freshen up, as they say. Take my guests to their rooms and direct Frederick to the water closet. We can talk more after you’ve gotten some rest.”

  A moment later, Kale found himself in a squidman’s bathroom. The place was fantastic: drains, and tubes and nozzles of every description, designed to clean and purge nearly any crevice or pocket-like flap on an alien’s backside. He wasted no time to find a suitable drain and made good use of it. He washed his hands and enjoyed a massage in the spa next to the room. Much to Kale’s delight, no one could massage like a squidman. Eight arms of pure heaven.

  His accommodations were odd; the squidmen had little idea of what humans might need to sleep on so they decided on a shotgun approach. Give them every conceivable surface known and allow the humans to pick one. The room was a hodgepodge of weird ideas about human sleeping possibilities. There were bars to hang from, nets to dangle out of, and tanks to submerge in. There was even a torture device with spikes and a stretching mechanism. They must have done research and mistook a rack from the inquisition as a normal human bed.

  Kale restrung the net into an acceptable hammock, climbed in, and slept for hours.

  Kale woke to a squidman poking him gently with a hook-tipped tentacle. Kale was startled awake and got tangled in his net.

  The squidman helped him get untangled and squeaked out a single squishy sounding word: “Breakfast.”

  It pointed to the door. There would be a nice breakfast set for him and Idonna. Then Frakes would reveal his evil plan to take over the world or ask them to help him in some nefarious plot. That’s how it worked in all the videos Kale had seen.

  So, when the squid led him into a room featuring a table set with bowls containing scrambled eggs, bacon, sausage, toast, and jam, Kale kept his guard up. But he ate too. Idonna soon joined him and they ate together, discussing their situation.

  “I have a plan for getting away,” Kale said in a low voice. Idonna leaned in and he whispered his idea. She nodded and smiled but only because she didn’t have a better plan.

  Frakes entered the room as they finished their meal. “Good morning, I trust you found the accommodations sufficient?”

  “Yeah, I slept like a stone. Nice room, t’ank you,” Idonna said.

  Kale nodded in agreement.

  “Here’s my plan,” Frakes began. “As my apprentice, I should train you for duties here on the ship, Frederick. What assignment would you like to be trained for? I know you have experience in cleaning and swabbing the deck but this ship has a built-in irrigation system, so deck swabbing isn’t really needed. Hmm, no pots and pans to scrub either, replicators of course. Not even any barnacles to scrape, I never realized how little to do there is on a starship.”

  He turned to the squidman next to him and said, “What do you and your crew do all day, anyway?”

  The squidman made a pantomime of giving a massage and squealed something in squidese.

  “The crew gets massages all day?” Frakes seemed surprised.

  The squidman squawked something in return.

  “That’s something I hadn’t considered. However, I don’t think training Frederick would be a good idea, there’s no future for a human masseuse, only two arms, of course.”

  Frakes turned his attention back to his human crewmen. “So I guess I’ll have to give you some personal lessons in pirating, sword fighting, kidnapping, plundering, pillaging, and all that?”

  It was time for Kale to execute his brilliant plan.

  “That sounds terrific, but you realize that tomorrow is my twenty-first birthday, and as you know, my term of service is up. So, if you could drop us off at a base somewhere?” Kale said.

  “Really?” Frakes gave a surprised look, but it changed to one of disappointment.

  “It really is, I’m not lying,” Kale protested.

  “Oh, I know you will have lived twenty-one years as of tomorrow, I memorized your crewman record from the Cosmos. Did you know I have a photographic memory? No, wait, that’s not relevant. Do you mean to tell me you are going to try to get out of being my apprentice by pulling the twenty-first birthday ruse?”

  “Not a ruse, sir, really.”

  “You do realize that I’ve memorized the script. I’ve read ahead. I know you were born on leap year and that in fact you’ve had only five birthdays. And since twenty-one isn’t divisible by four you don’t have a birthday this year.”

  “So wait, you know about the play, and the script and that we are acting?” Kale asked.

  “Of course, I’ve been playing a character. I’m the pirate king, you are Frederick, and Idonna is adlibbing Ruth. Did you think I had forgotten?” Frakes asked.

  “No,” Kale said. “Of course not. I was rehearsing my lines for the birthday part thing. Um… I was rehearsing, since I got the part in the captain’s play.”

  “The captain’s play?” The news upset Frakes. “The nerve! That man actually believes he can play my role, he is a hack. As wooden as an oar! I can act circles around him.”

  “Shame den he got dat part den, and you way out here.” Idonna said, hoping to trigger a response in Frakes.

  “What? He doesn’t dare have that play without me. It will fall flat on its face.”

  “Or me either, I was on my way to the rehearsal on Falcon Station when that Harrison guy nabbed me. I’m sure they gave my part to someone else now. But the show must go on,” Kale said.

  “Dis not about you Kale,” Idonna said. “You got to get over it. We all gonna miss dat play. Dis Saturday at the auditorium on Falcon Station, seven pm.”

  “No, I think Frederick deserves to be in that play. We both worked hard on it. This isn’t good, not good at all.”

  “Shame you can’t go to Falcon Station and show them how good you are, den,” Idonna said.

  “Why, Ruth, that idea is simply inspired!” Frakes exclaimed. “You are correct. What say you, Frederick? Shall we fly to Falcon station and demand to be put back in our play?”

  Getting back to the station was great, but Kale worried about what Frakes might do once he got there. The man was an insane killing robot after all, in command of at least one if not a fleet of squidman ships.

  But Kale told himself he hadn’t actually seen Frakes do anything insane, not really. The man had been acting sensible since they’d come aboard. Just a little confusion between reality and the play. But he did come out of character just now and speak about the play as a play. Perhaps Frakes was just immersing himself so deeply in the role that it only seemed he had gone crazy. They had only seen him attack squidmen after all, and that was in self-defense, in battle; the killer robot thing was probably just an overreaction.

  “I suppose there would be no harm if we go and ask if we can still be in the play. The captain might reconsider, given the circumstances,” Kale said.

  “Jolly good and shiver me timbers! Helmsman set sail to Falcon Station. My appointment with fame awaits!” Frakes commanded with manic enthusiasm.

  Idonna smiled. All she had to do was get close to the station, and she would find a way to escape.

  “You know what would be fun, something to pass the time on our way?” Frakes asked.

  “No, what?” Kale asked.

  “Well some pirating of course!” Frakes said. “There’s a Guern
sian colony on our way. We can stop off for a quick pillage, murder, and plunder. It will get us in the right mindset for the performance.”

  Kale’s stomach felt sick. So much for Frakes not being a crazed murdering robot. Kale said, “I don’t think we have time, the play is tomorrow. Why don’t we work on our lines instead?”

  “But I’ve had my lines memorized for weeks? If you’re not ready, maybe you don’t deserve to be in the play at all,” Frakes said. He gave Kale an unsettling look.

  “Yes, but, um... Ruth needs help with her lines,” Kale said. “She decided to try out for the play too. Um, she was inspired by your commitment and talent, I think we should at least give her a chance?”

  “I what?” Idonna said, as she realized Kale was throwing her under a bus. “Sure, dat be fun to try. Maybe I add a little spice to Ruth for a change.”

  “Okay, but I still think we should still stop and plunder just a little…” Frakes said.

  “How ’bout you send dem a threatening email instead, still gets the point across and I have time for my lines?”

  “I like how you think! Extortion it is.” Frakes squealed out a command to a nearby crewman in perfect squidese. The crewman ambled out of the room, no doubt on a mission to send a threatening email.

  The rest of the trip back to Falcon station was an endless rehearsal. Frakes didn’t seem to need much sleep and had forgotten that Kale and Idonna still did. But it was worth it if it kept Frakes from turning some poor colonists into hamburger.

  When Kale and Idonna arrived at Falcon Station along with Frakes’s ship filled with squidmen marines, the station’s security went on alert. Frakes insisted they were only here for the play. It took several minutes for him to get clearance, but since the peace treaty had been signed, they no longer objected to squidmen ships docking. Kale and Idonna sat by nervously, praying they’d be able to get off this ship of insanity.

  Chapter 16

  It was the night of the big performance and the play had begun. The audience, mostly made up of officers from the Cosmos, was enduring the painful first act. The audience also featured several squidmen dignitaries escorted by Coalition VIPs. There were a dozen or so drama fanboys that always showed up for these things. The fanboys dressed in costume for every play and usually jumped up into the aisles to mimic the performance on stage. Even some family members of the cast had made the trip, mostly moms.

  The squidmen dignitaries had been ordered to come by their government. They felt uneasy; the play had just begun, and they were wondering if the play might be some elaborate scheme to punish them in reprisal for the war.

  The captain’s grand entrance came at last. He came in swinging on a rope dressed in his pirate king costume. However, someone had misplaced a wooden barrel prop and it was directly in his landing zone. He smacked into it as he swung in. It knocked the barrel over and set him spinning. He finally let go of the rope and landed on his feet, but he staggered, dizzy from his entrance. The audience applauded dutifully. Except the fanboys who wagged their heads and booed.

  The red-haired ensign, who had been chosen to replace Kale for Frederick, looked into the crowd and froze, forgetting his lines, again. He was a disaster. He had frozen twice, mispronounced “pirate” as “pilot” three times, and dropped a cannonball prop on his foot once. Critics would later characterize his performance by referring to him as the ‘mumbling brick of Penzance.’

  The woman playing Ruth was an elderly crewman named Erma. She was one of the morgue technicians. Her acting experience consisted of performing little skits for corpses she’d propped up in her workshop. She worked the night shift, so no one ever said anything and she didn’t see the harm. In fact, practicing her lines in front of the dead might have prepared her perfectly for tonight, based on the audience’s reaction thus far.

  Kale didn’t have to look at Frakes to know he was upset. Secretly sitting in the back row of the auditorium, Frakes kept making disgusted grunts at every mistake. Kale had looked for a way to escape ever since they’d arrived, but Frakes kept him, along with Idonna, beside him the entire time.

  After a few more botched lines, one of the fanboys jumped on stage and delivered Frederick’s lines for him. Two security officers escorted the guy off.

  “That’s it!” Frakes shouted.

  Without warning, all the stage lights went dark. The audience was confused at first and began mumbling. Only the dim seating lights remained on.

  Unseen, a dozen or more tentacles dropped down from somewhere above in the rafters. They grabbed Frakes, Kale, and Idonna and lifted them from their seats. A perfectly-timed spotlight focused on Frakes and the scene’s music began anew. The tentacles swung them through the air, passing them forward, and delivered three new cast members to the stage, squarely in front of the captain, ensign red-hair, and Erma.

  Frakes began a flawless performance of the pirate king’s lines. He really was a wonderful pirate king; his voice was perfect and even Kale and Idonna had their lines down pat. So the three of them stole the show, right from under the nose of the captain.

  A moment into the newly restarted performance a tentacle plucked the red-haired ensign and the other Ruth away. Putting them backstage, leaving only the captain and a group of extras, posing as pirates with Frakes, Kale, and Idonna. The majority of the audience applauded in gratitude for the change in performers. Even the fanboys whistled.

  The official squidmen delegation, who had not been enjoying the performance up until this point, changed their opinion. Seeing the new actors swing in on tentacles was exciting, and just plain good theatre in their book. They wiggled their tentacles in appreciation.

  The captain didn’t appreciate Frakes’s intrusion. Initially, he stood back, allowing his former first officer to perform, but soon his ego pushed him to do something foolish. He jumped into the limelight and began singing his lines at the same time as Frakes. It was a show tune showdown.

  Kale didn’t allow the conflict to distract him. He continued with his lines flawlessly. Besides, he was too frightened to bolt and run as every nerve in his body was screaming for him to do.

  Idonna, or Ruth if you like, tried to back off the stage during a period while she had no lines. But as she got near the edge, a tentacle came down from above and pushed her back to her spot. Getting another idea, she grabbed a comm badge from one of the extras and called Belle for help.

  Soon the battle of egos between the two pirate kings came to a head. Which on a ship was a good place for a pissing match.

  At a crucial point, the captain lost his temper, cursed Frakes, and slapped him.

  Frakes, not missing a beat, pulled his rapier and said, “Are you challenging me?”

  “Certainly!” The captain drew his sword and cried, “En garde!”

  The fight should’ve taken only a moment; the cyborg, Frakes, could have killed him in a second. But instead, for the sake of the audience, he made it as dramatic and theatrical a scene as he could.

  The captain prided himself on his fencing ability, but he quickly realized his folly. Frakes had been able to easily parry every thrust and stroke. Frakes’s blade was under perfect control and came close several times. Soon it became obvious that Frakes was trying to humiliate the captain by cutting slices in his puffy pirate shirt. Soon the tattered shirt hung around his waist and the captain was completely humiliated. His once proud insults had ceased and he now was pleading for mercy.

  Nord, the second officer, had been watching and, one of only a few in the audience aware of what was actually happening, didn’t like it one bit. He decided things were out of control and the captain was in real danger. As the ship’s best marksman, he pulled his sidearm, carefully aimed, and fired at Frakes. As the plasma sped toward him, Frakes advanced sensors detected the energy discharge and caused him to leap to the side, dodging the bolt. It struck a wooden ship’s mast among the stage props, turning it into fragments. Splinters of it rained down, littering the stage.

  Before Nord could fi
re again, a half-dozen tentacles dropped from above and swept him straight up into the rafters. There followed a short scuffle that stopped with a crunch. A grayish, non-staining fluid, one of the twenty-five fluids present in a Warfian’s body, dripped into Nord’s now empty seat from somewhere above in the darkness. It made the chair’s fine upholstery a runny mess.

  Thinking this was part of the play, the audience laughed and applauded in delight. The squidmen dignitaries were so excited at this point, they picked up their Coalition hosts and swung the VIPs about in the air in a joyous celebration.

  In response to Idonna’s distress call, Lou and the rest of the custodial crew arrived at the back of the auditorium. Belle had brought along three maintenance robots, Reggie, Bernie, and Fred, with her new defensive programming just in case. They had arrived in time to see the end of Commander Nord, but weren’t certain what was happening. It appeared that Nord had been killed by squidmen, but the audience reaction was so out of place they wondered if it might have been part of the performance.

  The fanboys were enjoying what they thought a fun twist in the plot. The dual captains actually began dueling. A few of them began mock fencing matches in the aisle. Some were dancing in silly puffy pirate shirts. One grabbed Belle and began dancing with her, until Reggie tapped him on the shoulder, cutting in. Everyone seemed to be enjoying what had become a circus atmosphere and even the robots were beeping along to the music.

  Belle shouted, “No Reggie, bad Reggie!” The robot stopped dancing and hung his ocular sensors in shame.

  “This is the best performance the ship has ever done,” Lou said in disbelief.

  “Look! There’s Kale and Idonna,” Nigel said. “They seem okay? I didn’t know she was in the play?”

  “No, it’s not a play!” Belle shouted at them. “It’s Frakes about to kill the captain.” She seemed the only one aware of what was happening, aside from Chopi.

  The little wizened Chopi said, “Most amusing mutiny.”