Coffee, Love, and Other Stimulants

by Roselyn Jewell

  Mouth dry, I stare at him. He won’t look back at me. My brain empties and I scramble to put something into it. Straightening, I wave a hand in front of me. “I understand. You are my superior.”

  “I’m sorry.” He looks up at me as if I have just shot his baby bunny.

  My stomach falls. Why do I think this is going to end badly? I wet my lips and ask, “Things don’t have to be different between us though, do they? I can still work here, right?”

  He looks up at me. Finally. I have been thinking his eyes looked like turquoise water. Now they seem a burning blue. “I would never fire you. This is my fault. You’re still the best person I’ve ever worked with.”

  I pinch the bridge of my nose, trying to keep it together in front of him.

  “Don’t be upset. Please.” He pulls me to him and holds me tight against his chest. I let myself relax. The tears I have been holding back soak his shirt.

  He gives me a peck on the cheek and releases me. “Thank you for understanding. I know that you will end up with someone incredible and you’ll look back at me as some old fart that wasn’t worth your time.” He forces a smile.

  “You’re not an old fart.” I punch his arm like he’s just a friend.

  He grins and my stomach flips over. My throat goes tight. “Thanks,” he says and gives me a nod. He turns and walks away. I watch his back until he disappears behind the door of the pharmacy. A knot of misery tightens in my chest.

  ●

  Taylor texts me to ask me to meet him for dinner. Todd and I are not to be so I figure this is a sign for me to make it up with Taylor. I should try to make our relationship work. When I arrive at the restaurant I freeze in the entrance. The place is all mood lighting and glass tables. Taking a deep breath I give the host Taylor’s name. She leads me to a exclusive table near the back. Taylor is dressed in a black blazer, black pants, and a peach-colored shirt. As I approach, he stands and pulls out the chair for me.

  “Thank you.” I smile at him but my insides jump with nerves. He nods and sits down again. “I’m so sorry about missing your messages. I just didn’t feel well and I really needed the sleep.”

  He snaps out a napkin. “But you look better now.”

  “Yeah, the sleep really helped.” And how lame does that sound but it is not entirely a lie. I slept really well with Todd.

  “I’m sure it did.”

  He stares at me like I’m one of his experiments. The waitress walks over and asks us what we want. I ask for water and Taylor orders a glass of red wine.

  “How is work going?” he asks.

  It sounds like a question with a bomb ticking inside. I tuck my hair behind my ears. “It’s work.” I pick up the menu. “What do you have the taste for? This porterhouse with the cherry tomatoes sounds good.”

  “I thought you had said you enjoy your work.”

  I stay hidden behind the menu. “I just don’t want to talk about it right now. I want to enjoy this food and this time with you.”

  “I want to enjoy this too. I missed you. How about after we eat, we go to my apartment and we can enjoy each other?”

  A lump settles into my stomach. I am no longer certain I can eat anything.

  The waitress puts our glasses on the table and asks for our orders. Taylor orders the porterhouse for both of us.

  Fiddling with my fork I tell Taylor, “I have to study tonight.” I promised myself I would make this work with him, but the idea of even kissing him makes my stomach churn.

  “I’m in the same classes as you. We don’t have another test for two weeks.”

  Putting the fork down, I pick up my water and turn the glass. “You should know that school is important to me.”

  His face turns red and he slams his fist on the table, spilling my water. “Bullshit. I went to pick you up at the end of your shift and saw you with your boss behind the pharmacy today. I saw the way you look at him. I saw how you two hugged. I saw him kiss you. You two have been fucking behind my back. You’re a slut.”

  “W-wait…that wasn’t what was…that wasn’t what was happening!”

  “Why would I trust you? How could you disrespect me like that? Remember that I took your virginity. You belong to me. Then you cheat on me. What the hell is wrong with you?”

  He throws his napkin down and storms out of the restaurant. I close my eyes and take deep breaths to stop myself from crying. My eyes sting and my nose burns. Heat washes my face.

  A man in a suit walks up to the table. “Pardon me, but I’m the owner. I heard there was inappropriate language and loud arguing. Is there a problem?”

  I wipe my eyes and gulp down a breath. “Could I just get the check?”

  The uneaten meal is nearly seventy dollars. I don’t have that kind of money. All I have is a charge card that my parents gave me for emergencies. I give it to the waitress.

  I walk out of the restaurant with two steaks and shame trailing at my feet.

  ●

  Taylor hangs around outside the pharmacy and my classes, but when I try to say hello, he ignores me. Walking out of Clinical Pharmacology, Taylor follows a few feet behind me and Sam.

  Sam spins around to face him. “Taylor, you need to step off. She isn’t interested in being in a relationship with a psycho.”

  He draws his lip back in a smile that looks more like a snarl, but turns and leaves. Sam and I continue to walk down the hall. She keeps glancing at me. “Does he follow you everywhere now?”

  “Todd told the security guard to keep his eye on me when I leave work. He follows me enough for other people to notice."

  “Lover boy is protecting you from psycho boy? Girl how do you do this to yourself?”

  “He’s seen Taylor hanging around and he can see that I always get tense when I see him. And Taylor’s been watching Todd when he leaves too…I assume because he thinks I’m leaving with him.”

  “You need to file a restraining order, Kate,” Sam says.

  “He’s just being jealous. He’s insecure. He’s not dangerous.”

  “They also said Hitler was insecure.” Sam stops in front of me and faces me. “You know how he felt about his territory.”

  “I’m not Taylor’s territory.” I go around her and keep walking.

  Sam catches up all too fast. “You should have told him that.”

  “Are you Ahanna’s territory?”

  “Absolutely. She saw, she came, she conquered.”

  I manage a shaky laugh. “Is she coming and conquering the apartment this weekend?”

  “No, I’m going to her apartment and being conquered.” She offers up a smug smile.

  I shake my head. “You two are adorably scary.”

  “I know. We’re perfect.” She drapes her arm over my shoulders. “Try to relax this weekend. Lounge in your pajamas all day. Go to a spa. Have a one night stand.”

  “Ugh. I did that and I don’t think I should sleep with another man for a long, long time. As in forever.”

  “Men are your problem, Kate, not the sex. You could always just take men out of the equation.”

  I shake my head. But out of the corner of my eye I see Taylor still lingering. I turn my head so I don’t have to see him at all.

  ●

  “Schedule II drugs: codeine, dihydroetorphine, ethylmorphine, etorphine hydrochloride…” I murmur. I’m not used to having the apartment to myself for a whole weekend, but the silence is nice. I don’t have to work and Sam isn’t here, so I figured I should figure out which drugs ruin people’s lives the most.

  A knock on the door makes me jump. I glance at the clock. Sam left about an hour ago. I don’t think she forgot anything and if she did she wouldn’t knock.

  Getting up, I open the door. Taylor stands on the steps, scuffing the top one with his shoe. I brace myself, expecting him to yell at me, but he gives me the easy smile from when we were friends.

  “Hey, I know I’ve been acting crazy, but you know…I just felt like our break-up was really messy and neither of us
got closure.”

  “I’ve felt the same,” I admit. I lean on the door. “There was a lot of emotions and confusion the last time we talked.”

  He nods and he looks so lost and hurt that I step back and wave for him to come inside. I did cheat on him. At the least, I owe him closure. I owe it to myself as well. Taylor shuffles inside. His hair is disheveled and his sports jacket is buttoned wrong. I sit down on the couch and he slumps down beside me.

  Folding my hands in my lap I ask, “Do you want anything to drink? Coffee? Tea?”

  “No, no.” He shifts on the couch so he faces me. “First and foremost, I wanted to apologize for acting like such a jackass. I just love you so much that the thought of you with your boss made me go a little crazy. I mean, I thought the fact that I was your first would make it so I was important to you—“

  “You are important to me. I just don’t think a relationship is working out for us.”

  “Of course, that makes sense.” He nods. He looks so sad that it feels strange that Sam or I could ever think of him as dangerous. “I’m sorry. I hope we can still be friends.”

  “I would love it if we stayed friends.”

  He nods again and stands so I do as well.

  “Could I get a friendly hug?” he asks. I wrap my arms around him and he hugs me. His grip is tight. When I try to pull away, he holds me tighter. He tries to kiss me and I turn my cheek.

  “Taylor, stop!” Panic lifts in my chest in a tight bubble. I struggle against his grip. He shoves me to the floor. I try to get up and swing at him, but he grabs my wrists and pins them to the floor. He straddles my waist. I begin to scream. He covers my mouth with one hand. I use my freed fist to hit him across the face. He yowls and rolls off me. I run for the door. A few inches away from the doorknob he tackles me to the floor. He yanks my pants down to my thighs.

  The door jerks open and hits the top of Taylor’s head. Sam almost stumbles onto both of us. She grabs an umbrella in a stand near the door and cracks him over the head with it. With a yelp, Taylor staggers to his feet. I roll away from them and curl up tight. Sam hits Taylor again and yells at him, swearing she’s already called the cops and he’s going to be arrested. He staggers to his feet and escapes out the door.

  Breathing hard Sam kneels beside me. “Are you okay?” She touches my shoulder. I flinch from the sudden contact. She wraps her arm around me. “Don’t answer that. Stupid question. You aren’t okay, but you will be.”

  Heaving for breath, I let the tears fall in silence as Sam rocks me back and forth. The more I try to regain composure, the harder I sob. Sam holds me until my tears stop. All my energy has left me. She helps me up, drags my pants up, and gets me to the couch. I lay down shivering and wanting to crawl into a hole somewhere. Sam disappears from my sight. I hear someone dialing a phone.

  “Taylor, you piece of shit. I am going to tell you right now that you better transfer schools or we’re going to haul your ass to jail. I don’t care how many expensive lawyers your daddy can afford. I will make damn sure the jury finds you guilty and your life—professional, social, and romantic—is completely ruined.”

  The phone beeps as she hangs up. She kneels down beside the couch and takes my hand. “I would have reported him, but let’s be honest. Colleges aren’t known for prosecuting rich assholes like him.” I nod and grip her hand even tighter.

  Sam stays with me. She calls Ahanna to explain what happened. Ahanna brings over chicken soup, but I can’t eat. I shuffle off to my bed. I hear the two of them talking quietly in the other room—talking about me I know.

  I want to escape my life. I want to fall asleep, but when I close my eyes I see the vicious, unforgiving smile on Taylor’s face. He wanted to hurt me. I know I must have hurt him, but what he did is not something I can forgive. Every. Now pain and betrayal cling to me like a lover.

  Chapter 2: The New Beginning

  One Year Later

  Medications can tell you a lot about a person. That’s why nosey people look inside their friend’s medicine cabinets. Since I’m an intern at a pharmacy, I learn what pills people are taking without snooping. I know about Mrs. Jackson's severe depression even though she's always smiling, and how Mr. Stewart somehow manages to get a consistent prescription for oxycodone.

  Behind me, Todd coughs. I glance over my shoulder. I don’t know how he found out about what happened with Taylor, but since Taylor left school, Todd has become overly cautious around me. He treats me like I’m a delicate flower who will wilt under a strong rain. I want to tell him I can take care of myself. But I haven’t dated since Taylor. Sometimes I miss the feeling of a man’s arms around me.

  Todd comes over to my side of the counter. “How are you doing?”

  I raise my finger—wait—as I finish counting out the pills. He lingers behind me as I screw the top onto the bottle. Setting the bottle into the prescription bag, I glance at him. “Fine.”

  “Good.” He cracks his knuckles, avoiding my eyes. “I just wanted to make sure…you’ve been working a lot of hours…”

  “I’m fine,” I say and put more emphasis into the words.

  “Good,” he says again. “This is your last year of school right?”

  “Yep,” I say. Sam is moving closer to Ahanna after graduation. I thought I had wanted to move to a city like New York or Philadelphia, but since Taylor’s attack, I feel uncertain about every step I take.

  Todd sidles away from me. A kernel of disappointment sticks in my throat. A rumor is floating around—spread by Cindy, of course—that there is going to be an opening for a staff pharmacist at Davidson Pharmacy. Todd hasn’t mentioned it to me. Cindy thinks I will be offered the job without anyone batting an eyelash. But I have begun to think that working with Todd isn’t being presented as an option for me.

  The door alarm beeps twice as two people walk into the pharmacy. I look up to see a little girl dash down the aisle with a joy that only comes from the reckless abandon of innocence. She reminds me of Snow White—skin as white as snow and hair as black as ebony—except she has a chocolate smudge on her cheek and her hair is tangled in amateur braids.

  “Kate!” She runs into my arms. Cindy follows behind the little girl.

  “Kaelyn!” I exclaim with the same enthusiasm. I twirl her around. “What are you doing here? Are you my helper for tonight?”

  “Nope.” Kaelyn grins at me. I place her back on the ground. “Daddy has a date tonight, so I’m here to wish him luck!”

  I bite my lip. This is the first time I’ve heard that Todd is dating again. Of course, it’s been over a year, so it’s completely reasonable, but I still feel ready to stamp my feet as if I’m as old as Kaelyn. It is as if someone has taken my favorite toy. But Todd isn’t a toy, and he isn’t mine.

  “Your dad doesn’t need any luck. But I’m sure he’ll appreciate the gesture.”

  “I do.”

  I spin around to see Todd. He picks up Kaelyn and hugs her. He turns to Cindy. “Thanks for bringing her, Cindy. I go through withdrawal if I don’t see her too often.”

  “It’s no problem.” Cindy smiles and props a hand on her hip. “You’ll be back from your date by ten, right?”

  I scuttle behind the counter before I can hear his answer. I don’t want to know if he plans to sleep with his date tonight. I find Mr. Stewart's oxycodone medication. I’ve been taking anti-anxiety drugs since Taylor’s attack and I’ve taken birth control since I was seventeen. What does that say about me? That I was overly prepared to not get pregnant and my life is a mess?

  I make my way back up the aisle. Cindy and Todd are still talking and Kaelyn is sitting on a massage chair, playing with the buttons. I stay hidden from sight.

  “It must be hard to be a single father,” Cindy says and she sounds like she really cares and not that she’s digging for gossip.

  “It is. But it’s worth it. She means everything to me. I can’t imagine life without her. I’ll never love a woman as much as I love her, which seems to be an issu
e with most women I meet.”

  “Well, those women aren’t worth it then.” Cindy punches a finger into his chest. “At least you’re still trying to date.”

  “This is a blind date.” He lets out a long breath that sounds like a disappointed sigh. “Set up by one of my friends because he thinks I need to get laid. I’d really rather just focus on raising my daughter, but it is nice to get out once in awhile.”

  Walking over to Kaelyn Todd kneels in front of her. He kisses her forehead. “I know I’ve been busy lately, but I’ll make it up to you. I’ll hang out with you all day tomorrow and we’ll do whatever you want.”

  She grins. “You’ll dress up like a princess?”

  He laughs. He has a good laugh, deep and honest. “Yes, I’ll dress up like a princess and we’ll have a tea party. Whatever you want. She wraps her small arms around him and he kisses her temple. I am suddenly consumed with jealousy so I look away, but I have to look back.

  Cindy walks up to father and daughter.

  “Come on, Kaelyn. Your daddy has to get ready so he can go and kiss other pretty ladies.”

  “Ew.” Kaelyn sticks out her tongue. Todd and Cindy laugh.

  Todd stands up and strokes one of Kaelyn’s braids. “You’ll still be my favorite.”

  I watch his adoration for his daughter and I’ve never seen such a pure love. The only intimate affection that could come close to it is when we had sex. I wonder if I will ever feel that way again.

  ●

  At Ambrosia Café Sam sits across from me and sips from her Styrofoam cup of coffee. I keep my hands on my ceramic cup of half-caf coffee with hazelnut syrup.

  She clucks her tongue at me. “It’s not that confusing. You’re in love with him. You should tell him how you feel.”

  “Last year you were telling me I shouldn’t pursue it. And he made it pretty clear that we couldn’t be together because he is my boss.”

  “Time has given me knowledge.” She grins and it is an endearing gesture but it is also irritating. “Besides, after you graduate, Todd won’t be your boss anymore.”

  I search for reasons that are not tied into how I still feel nervous around most men. Taylor’s attack has left me unwilling to date anyone, and I don’t want to think about what might happen if I tried anything with Todd. “What about the age difference?”