Coffee, Love, and Other Stimulants

by Roselyn Jewell

  We pass a community pharmacy and I glance through the window. I see a pharmacist talking to a man. Short with a receding hairline the pharmacist looks nothing like Todd, but it still brings back memories of my former boss. A pang ripples through me.

  “Do you want to go in?” Sam asks.

  “Oh…umm, yeah. Just to get some drinks.”

  We park nearby and walk back to the pharmacy. Sam heads straight for the coolers. I wander through the aisles. In the kid’s aisle, a stuffed pink pony catches my eye. Earlier in the week, Kaelyn sent me a card with a pony on the front and she asked if she could come visit. I feel bad I never got to say goodbye to her. I haven’t realized until now how much of a part of my life she has become. I grab the pony. I’ll send it to Kaelyn so she knows that even if I don’t live nearby anymore, or work in her father’s pharmacy, I still care about her.

  “Are you sleeping with stuffed animals now?” Sam asks. She walks toward me with an orange soda and a water. She hands me the water.

  I hold up the pony. “I want to send it to Kaelyn.”

  “Kaelyn?” Sam’s brow furrows. “Isn’t that your old bosses’ daughter?”

  “Yeah, I’ve known her since she was…oh, it must be four or five. I saw her at least a couple of a times a week.”

  “And you’re still kind of in love with her father?”

  I stiffen. “I am not. I am not in love with anyone. Not now and maybe never again.”

  She stares at me. “I understand you feel like all men are jerks. But how much worse could it get?”

  I shake my head. “Todd’s not a jerk. He…well, he’s a friend. And haven’t you seen any movies? Don’t you know if you ask how much worse it could get, it will get worse?”

  “Okay, how much better could it get?” She grins.

  I laugh and squeeze the pony in my hands. It’s soft and warm. “Do you remember being a kid and the world seemed like the most amazing place?”

  “The world is still amazing.” Sam waves a hand around us at the story with its dusty shelves. “Your vision of the world has changed, but the world is still the same.”

  “How do I change it back?”

  She shrugs. “Take risks. Fall in love. Eat more donuts.”

  I laugh again. “Donuts?”

  “Life is too short for diets.” She nods at the snack aisle.

  I shake my head, but I grab a box of powdered donuts. It’s time for change.

  ●

  In the hospital the days pass quickly. Everyone is always in a controlled rush. I get used to getting bumped into as nurses rush past or doctors and surgeons stride down the hallways and gurneys are pushed through the hospital. I find it amazing to be part of this environment where lives are saved every day by regular human beings.

  Working here also a lot different than working in retail. I had regular customers at Davidson Pharmacy. In the hospital I see a constant flow of new people. A few people—most of them in the cancer ward—are my regulars. I get to know them, but I don’t interact with them as often as I did with the customers at my old job. I become skilled at IV’s and specialty medications. My boss, Gavin Hoffman, seems surprised at how quick a learner I am. He constantly praises me. It doesn’t give me the same glowing feeling as when Todd offered me kind words, but it feels good all the same. Gavin is also married with four kids. His spreading waistline and the way he treats everyone like a friend makes me glad I made the decision to move.

  I’ve made friends with a few of my colleagues too. Martee is an intern who graduates this semester. She’s currently studying for her boards. I’ve helped her a few times. When I mention I’m looking for an apartment, she tells me of a friend who lives in a great building with a vacancy.

  I check out the apartment and it’s perfect for me. One large room serves as both the dining and living room. The kitchen has granite countertops and the bedroom has sky blue wallpaper. A converted warehouse, all the rooms have high ceilings. It has a very natural, earthy feel to it, which has been absent in my life.

  I move in a week later. Sam, Ahanna, and I take the day off to get my belongings out of storage and into place. After her shift, Martee comes over. We order Chinese take-out and drink beer. Even though my couch and dining room table are set up, we sit in a circle on my gray shag rug.

  “So are you ever going back to visit your old haunts?” Martee asks as she tries to maneuver the chopsticks between her fingers. “Or has Pittsburgh captured you in its claws?”

  “I hadn’t really thought about it. I have some really good friends back there.”

  “Like Todd?” Sam asks and digs into the fried rice.

  Martee perks up. “Who’s Todd?”

  “My old boss.”

  Martee gives up on the chopsticks and pulls out a plastic fork. “Is he cute?” “He’s fifteen years older me and he has a daughter.”

  “What’s wrong with him having a daughter?” Martee asks with lo mein dripping from her fork. “It’s not like he can reverse time.”

  “It’s just complicated. I don’t want to talk about it.” I take a sip from my beer, and we all sit in uncomfortable silence.

  Sam glances around and then asks Martee, “So…your graduation isn’t too far off. How are you feeling about stepping into the real world?”

  “Nervous. I’ve accepted a residency at a hospital about an hour away, which means I’ll be starting over in a strange town.”

  I smile at her. “Take it from someone who just moved into a different city and began working at a new job. You’ll do awesome.”

  “Thanks. I’m glad that you did move here. You’re more fun than the other pharmacists.”

  “She’s talking about me. She knows how boring I am,” Sam mutters. Martee elbows her. They collapse into giggles. I watch my friends enjoy the moment as if the past didn’t exist and the future didn’t matter. After a couple minutes, I realize I feel the same way. I vow to hang onto more of these moments.

  Chapter 6: Sam's Wedding

  Sam and Ahanna decide to have their bachelorette party with me and Martee in Las Vegas. We book cheep flights and on our first night go to a casino called Noche de Suerte. Sam, Ahanna, and I tackle the blackjack table. Martee sticks to the nickel slots. When Sam is up two hundred dollars, we decide to take our winnings and move on. Sam uses the money to buy us a steak dinner. Martee and I buy everyone vodka martinis. The steak is incredible and melts in my mouth. The first martini is disgusting and tastes like dirty socks. After a couple, the taste grows on me and seems to stimulate all of my senses.

  After eating and drinking, I feel too drunk to do anything else. I return to the hotel room I’m sharing with Martee and collapse onto one of the beds. I fall in and out of sleep. I’m not used to the bright, flashing lights. Around three in the morning I hear the hotel room door open and Martee stumbles in. Another heavy pair of footsteps follow her. I keep my eyes closed.

  “You have a friend?” a male voice rumbles. I shiver and wonder if he’s going to ask me to join them.

  “Yeah,” Martee says. “She’s passed out though. It’s fine.”

  They stagger to the other bed. I cringe as I hear Martee’s bed rocking and the man’s grunts. After a minute, Martee begins to moan. The man must cover her mouth because her gasps become muffled.

  A pressure builds inside me. I realize my bladder is full. Oh, not a good time for this. I can’t get up and have Martee realize I’ve been listening to her have sex with this stranger.

  “Put your leg up here over my shoulders,” the man demands. Martee’s moans get louder. I can hear the slick slap of skin on skin.

  I let my mind wander and think about work. I try to block out the two of them, but now all I can think about is sex. I don’t want to move for fear they’ll know I’m awake. I have never felt the way Martee seems to feel—pleasure without inhibition—except with Todd. Sex with Taylor and Adam always seemed more about their pleasure. I think about how I wanted to show them I was worth keeping I realize I never had a
n orgasm with either of them. Sex felt good, but the best part was always feeling close to someone. With Todd—maybe because I was drunk— sensations of euphoria overwhelmed me. I was more than connected to Todd—it seems like we completed each other. And then he ripped us apart.

  Martee almost screams and the man makes a bear-like roar. I listen as the bed creaks one last time. I squeeze my legs together to pacify my urge to pee. I listen to their breathing slow. The man begins to snore. I wait a couple more minutes before slipping out of the bed.

  As soon as my feet hit the floor, Martee sits up. I glance over to see the man lying on his stomach next to her, his bare ass visible. Martee giggles and waves for me to keep moving.

  I run into the bathroom and shut the door behind me. How do people do this kind of sex? How can you share your body and not feel torn apart when you never see the other person again? But maybe it’s better. I kept on seeing Todd after we slept together and maybe that’s why I’m still in shredded pieces.

  ●

  Sam and Ahanna have a beach wedding on Presque Isle. The setting sun streaks a red glow across Lake Erie. Ahanna seems to bask in the light as she stands in a white pant suit next to the minister. She glances at the wedding attendants who wait for Sam to appear. Ahanna chews on her lip. It’s lucky she only has on lip gloss because lipstick would have smudged by now.

  I lean close to her. “Nervous?”

  She shakes her head and smiles. “I want this more than anything. I just…wish my parents could accept us.”

  I nod. Sam’s parents sit in the front row holding hands. Ahanna’s family didn’t come. They seem to love Ahanna from what she has said, but they refuse to accept she’s marrying a woman.

  I run my hands down my pink gown. The minister and I are the only other people who are part of the ceremony other than Sam and Ahanna. I try to imagine my own wedding, but it’s hard to do that without having a husband-to-be in mind.

  The wedding march begins. Ahanna and I stand straight and turn away from the sunset. Sam walks down the aisle in a form-fitting white dress. Her eyes light up at the sight of Ahanna, and Ahanna seems to hold her breath. When Sam reaches the front, they kiss.

  “Hey, hey, not yet,” the minister teases. Everyone laughs. “Okay, okay, I guess we should hurry this up so that they can kiss. We are all here today to celebrate the union between Ahanna Berne and Samantha Cuthbert in marriage…”

  Sam and Ahanna keep their eyes on each other as the minister talks about the joys and difficulties of love. They hold hands as if their touch binds them to each other and stops them from floating away. The sun casts a golden light over them. They look as if flames light them inside. It’s beautiful.

  “Do you Ahanna take Samantha to be your wife, to have and to hold, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish for as long as you both shall live?”

  “I do,” Ahanna says.

  “Do you Samantha take Ahanna to be your wife, to have and to hold, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish for as long as you both shall live?”

  “I do,” Sam says.

  “You may now exchange the rings.”

  I give each of them a ring. They are both silver bands with a small diamond.

  I lose track of what the minister is saying. Something about vows and love and commitment. My eyes mist over, making the world blurry. A lump chokes my throat. I think about Adam and how I wanted these vows with him. And about Taylor and how he wanted these vows from me. And I think about Todd and how he made these vows once but then it ended in divorce. We never know what we’re getting with another person. But Sam and Ahanna seem to have found the right match.

  “And now, by the power vested in me by the State of Pennsylvania, I hereby pronounce you wife and wife. Now you can kiss.”

  They seal their marriage with a kiss as the sun disappears below the horizon. Even without the light, they shine brighter than ever.

  ●

  Sam and Ahanna go to the Bahamas for their honeymoon. Martee graduates and moves an hour away. Loneliness hits me harder than ever. My two closest friends have unified themselves in matrimony and sometimes I feel as if I’m further on the outside of their relationship. Martee is moving on with her life with more confidence than I could ever muster. I am a singular unit without any strings attached to keep me from falling.

  To avoid isolation, I keep busy at the hospital. Even when the newlyweds return, I keep late hours and only head to my apartment to sleep. Gavin loves me since I’m happy to take weekend shifts. My dreams are filled with syringes and medical prescriptions. Sam and Ahanna bring me meals sometimes at the pharmacy and beg me to join them for bar hopping or to go to the park. I tell them I’m not up to that.

  “Kate, my soul sister,” Sam says, sitting on the counter I’m working on. “You know if you work too hard your eyeballs dry up and fall out?”

  “I have Visine,” I say without looking up.

  She sighs and swings her legs back and forth. “Kate, why don’t you want to hang out anymore? Did we do something to piss you off?”

  “No, of course not.” I glance at her. “But you’re married now. You should be spending time with just the two of you.”

  “And you should be taking a break. It doesn’t even have to be with us. You could…go the spa. Visit your parents. Go see the biggest ball of twine.”

  I set my pen down. “I don’t have time right now. My career is important.”

  “So is your sanity. Gavin thinks you should take a vacation too.”

  “You talked to our boss?” I ask.

  “Everyone’s noticed you’ve been practically living here. Some of the docs are thinking of sticking you with some tranquilizers to get you to sleep. You have shadows under your eyes that could scare small children.”

  I close my eyes. Exhaustion suddenly envelopes me in its warmth. “I should visit my parents. I keep saying I’m too busy, but I can’t keep saying that. There’s never going to be enough time to see them, so I might as well go now.”

  “Family is important.” She reaches out her hand

  I take it. How am I ever going to find any balance in my life?

  ●

  As I drive to my parent’s house in Meadowlark it occurs to me that Drexton is only ten minutes off track from my route. I drive to my college town and turn into Davidson Pharmacy's parking lot before I can think about it.

  The familiar bell jingles over the front door. I smile and begin to feel nervous. I walk down the aisle my heels clicking on the hard floor. Maybe everyone I used to know has left to work somewhere else. Maybe the person who replaced me is amazing and makes me look like a dunce.

  I see the back of Cindy’s head first, her blonde hair like a dome around her head. “I’ll be right there!” she calls without turning around. It’s a retail skill to feel when someone is around by the slight shift in silence or have a sense of someone else breathing the same oxygen as you.

  She turns around and her eyes widen. A smile breaks out on her face. She runs around the counter and throws her arms around me. I almost feel my ribs bend as she hugs me hard. “Kate! You look…great!”

  I know it’s a lie because I still look like I haven’t slept in a month, but I appreciate her words. She strokes my hair. “Your hair is longer than it used to be. And it looks like you’ve lost weight.”

  “I’ve been keeping busy. There’s a lot to do in the hospital.”

  “I hope they’re treating you well,” she says.

  “They are.” I hug her. “It’s so great to see you.”

  I hear something soft hit the floor. I turn around to see Todd standing in one of the aisles with a box of tampons at his feet. His eyes are on me. “Kate!” He smiles and walks over to me. He raises his arm like he’s going to hug me, but at the last minute he shakes my hand. His face flushes. “Um, are you visiting? Or are you back in town for good?”

  “Just
visiting.”

  “Oh, that’s good. I’m glad you came by. How’s working at a hospital?”

  “It’s really…different.”

  “Hectic, but satisfying?”

  I nod. “So…how’s Destiny?”

  I don’t mean for the question to pop out, but I need to know if they’re still together. I understand he and I can’t be together, but I also don’t want him to be with a possessive control freak.

  “She’s fine. But Kaelyn has issues with us being together, so we haven’t been going out as much. Kaelyn really loved the pink horse you sent. She keeps it beside her bed.”

  “When I saw it, she was my first thought.”

  “It was really generous of you.”

  Bouncing next to us, Cindy cuts in. “We need to all go out for drinks tonight!”

  “I’m actually heading to my parent’s house,” I say.

  She waves away my excuse. “Come on. You were going to visit for us five minutes and leave? You can stay at one of our houses tonight. We didn’t get to have a goodbye party for you, so the least you could do is have a few drinks with us.”

  I shake my head at her insistence, but when I glance at Todd my mouth forms a single word.

  “Okay.”

  ●

  I only packed a week’s worth of clothes and all of them seem too casual to go out. I recognize the absurdity of that since people go to bars in grungy clothes all the time. But I want Todd to look at me and see me as beautiful and sophisticated as Destiny. That’s silly but I still have some pride. Since I don’t have many options I choose a pair of jeans and a white tank top with lace blouse over it.

  When I walk into the bar where we are to meet, Todd is already there. He doesn’t see me. He sips from a dark brown bottle. The dim lights on his skin make him seem luminescent as if the brightness comes from inside him. I’m a few feet away when he looks up.

  He stands up, almost knocking over his stool as he greets me. “Hey.” He indicates another bottle across from him. “I ordered you a beer. I hope that’s still what you drink.”