The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman (Penguin Classics)

by Laurence Sterne

  Any man, I say, madam, but my uncle Toby, the benignity of whose heart interpreted every motion of the body in the kindest sense the motion would admit of, would have concluded my father angry and blamed him too. My uncle Toby blamed nothing but the taylor who cut the pocket-hole;——so sitting still, till my father had got his handkerchief out of it, and looking all the time up in his face with inexpressible good will—my father at length went on as follows.

  CHAP. VI.

  ——“WHAT prodigious armies you had in Flanders!”—–Brother Toby, quoth my father, I do believe thee to be as honest a man, and with as good and as upright a heart as ever God created;——nor is it thy fault, if all the children which have been, may, can, shall, will or ought to be begotten, come with their heads foremost into the world:— but believe me, dear Toby, the accidents which unavoidably way-lay them, not only in the article of our begetting ’em,— though these in my opinion, are well worth considering,—— but the dangers and difficulties our children are beset with, after they are got forth into the world, are enow,—little need is there to expose them to unnecessary ones in their passage to it.—— Are these dangers, quoth my uncle Toby, laying his hand upon my father’s knee, and looking up seriously in his face for an answer,——are these dangers greater now o’days, brother, than in times past? Brother Toby, answered my father, if a child was but fairly begot, and born alive, and healthy, and the mother did well after it,——our forefathers never looked further.—— My uncle Toby instantly withdrew his hand from off my father’s knee, reclined his body gently back in his chair, raised his head till he could just see the cornish1 of the room, and then directing the buccinatory2 muscles along his cheeks, and the orbicular muscles around his lips to do their duty—–he whistled Lillabullero.

  CHAP. VII.

  WHILST my uncle Toby was whistling Lillabullero to my father,—Dr. Slop was stamping, and cursing and damning at Obadiah at a most dreadful rate;——it would have done your heart good, and cured you, Sir, for ever, of the vile sin of swearing to have heard him.—I am determined therefore to relate the whole affair to you.

  When Dr. Slop’s maid delivered the green bays bag, with her master’s instruments in it, to Obadiah, she very sensibly exhorted him to put his head and one arm through the strings, and ride with it slung across his body: so undoing the bow-knot, to lengthen the strings for him, without any more ado, she helped him on with it. However, as this, in some measure, unguarded the mouth of the bag, lest any thing should bolt out in galloping back at the speed Obadiah threatened, they consulted to take it off again; and in the great care and caution of their hearts, they had taken the two strings and tied them close (pursing up the mouth of the bag first) with half a dozen hard knots, each of which, Obadiah, to make all safe, had twitched and drawn together with all the strength of his body.

  This answered all that Obadiah and the maid intended; but was no remedy against some evils which neither he or she foresaw. The instruments, it seems, as tight as the bag was tied above, had so much room to play in it, towards the bottom, (the shape of the bag being conical) that Obadiah could not make a trot of it, but with such a terrible jingle, what with the tire-tête, forceps and squirt, as would have been enough, had Hymen1 been taking a jaunt that way, to have frightened him out of the country; but when Obadiah accelerated this motion, and from a plain trot assayed to prick his coach-horse into a full gallop— by heaven! Sir,—the jingle was incredible.

  As Obadiah had a wife and three children—the turpitude of fornication, and the many other political ill consequences of this jingling, never once entered his brain,——he had however his objection, which came home to himself, and weighed with him, as it has oft-times done with the greatest patriots.2——“The poor fellow, Sir, was not able to hear himself whistle.”

  CHAP. VIII.

  AS Obadiah loved wind musick preferably to all the instrumental musick he carried with him,—he very considerately set his imagination to work, to contrive and to invent by what means he should put himself in a condition of enjoying it.

  In all distresses (except musical) where small cords are wanted,——nothing is so apt to enter a man’s head, as his hat-band:——the philosophy of this is so near the surface—I scorn to enter into it.

  As Obadiah’s was a mix’d case,——mark, Sirs,—I say, a mix’d case; for it was obstretical,1—scrip-tical,—squirtical, papistical,—and as far as the coach-horse was concerned in it,—caball-istical2—and only partly musical;— Obadiah made no scruple of availing himself of the first expedient which offered;—so taking hold of the bag and instruments, and gripeing them hard together with one hand, and with the finger and thumb of the other, putting the end of the hat-band betwixt his teeth, and then slipping his hand down to the middle of it,—he tied and cross-tied them all fast together from one end to the other (as you would cord a trunk) with such a multiplicity of round-abouts and intricate cross turns, with a hard knot at every intersection or point where the strings met,—that Dr. Slop must have had three fifths of Job’s patience at least to have unloosed them.—I think in my conscience, that had Nature been in one of her nimble moods, and in humour for such a contest——and she and Dr. Slop both fairly started together— there is no man living who had seen the bag with all that Obadiah had done to it,—and known likewise, the great speed the goddess can make when she thinks proper, who would have had the least doubt remaining in his mind——which of the two would have carried off the prize. My mother, madam, had been delivered sooner than the green bag infallibly—at least by twenty knots.——Sport of small accidents, Tristram Shandy! that thou art, and ever will be! had that trial been made for thee, and it was fifty to one but it had,——thy affairs had not been so depress’d—(at least by the depression of thy nose) as they have been; nor had the fortunes of thy house and the occasions of making them, which have so often presented themselves in the course of thy life, to thee, been so often, so vexatiously, so tamely, so irrecoverably abandoned—as thou hast been forced to leave them!—but ’tis over,—all but the account of ’em, which cannot be given to the curious till I am got out into the world.

  CHAP. IX.

  GREAT wits jump:1 for the moment Dr. Slop cast his eyes upon his bag (which he had not done till the dispute with my uncle Toby about midwifery put him in mind of it)—the very same thought occurred.—–’Tis God’s mercy, quoth he, (to himself) that Mrs. Shandy has had so bad a time of it,— else she might have been brought to bed seven times told, before one half of these knots could have got untied.——But here, you must distinguish——the thought floated only in Dr. Slop’s mind, without sail or ballast to it, as a simple proposition; millions of which, as your worship knows, are every day swiming quietly in the middle of the thin juice of a man’s understanding, without being carried backwards or forwards, till some little gusts of passion or interest drive them to one side.2

  A sudden trampling in the room above, near my mother’s bed, did the proposition the very service I am speaking of. By all that’s unfortunate, quoth Dr. Slop, unless I make haste, the thing will actually befall me as it is.

  CHAP. X.

  IN the case of knots,——by which, in the first place, I would not be understood to mean slip-knots,——because in the course of my life and opinions,——my opinions concerning them will come in more properly when I mention the catastrophe of my great uncle Mr. Hammond Shandy,1 ——a little man, ——but of high fancy:——he rushed into the duke of Mon-mouth’s affair:2——nor, secondly, in this place, do I mean that particular species of knots, called bow-knots;——there is so little address, or skill, or patience, required in the unloosing them, that they are below my giving any opinion at all about them.——But by the knots I am speaking of, may it please your reverences to believe, that I mean good, honest, devilish tight, hard knots, made bona fide, as Obadiah made his;—in which there is no quibbling provision made by the duplication and return of the two ends of the strings through the annulus or noose made by the seco
nd implication3 of them—to get them slipp’d and undone by———I hope you apprehend me.

  In the case of these knots4 then, and of the several obstructions, which, may it please your reverences, such knots cast in our way in getting through life——every hasty man can whip out his penknife and cut through them.——’Tis wrong. Believe me, Sirs, the most virtuous way, and which both reason and conscience dictate—is to take our teeth or our fingers to them. ——Dr. Slop had lost his teeth—his favourite instrument, by extracting in a wrong direction, or by some misapplication of it, unfortunately slipping, he had formerly in a hard labour, knock’d out three of the best of them, with the handle of it:— he tried his fingers—alas! the nails of his fingers and thumbs were cut close.5—The deuce take it! I can make nothing of it either way, cried Dr. Slop.——The trampling over head near my mother’s bed side increased.—Pox take the fellow! I shall never get the knots untied as long as I live.—My mother gave a groan—Lend me your penknife—I must e’en cut the knots at last-----pugh!---psha!---Lord! I have cut my thumb6 quite across to the very bone——curse the fellow——if there was not another man midwife within fifty miles—I am undone for this bout——I wish the scoundrel hang’d——I wish he was shot ——I wish all the devils in hell had him for a blockhead——

  My father had a great respect for Obadiah, and could not bear to hear him disposed of in such a manner——he had moreover some little respect for himself——and could as ill bear with the indignity offer’d to himself in it.

  Had Dr. Slop cut any part about him, but his thumb——my father had pass’d it by——his prudence had triumphed: as it was, he was determined to have his revenge.

  Small curses, Dr. Slop, upon great occasions, quoth my father, (condoling with him first upon the accident) are but so much waste of our strength and soul’s health to no manner of purpose.—I own it, replied Dr. Slop.——They are like sparrow shot, quoth my uncle Toby, (suspending his whistling) fired against a bastion.——They serve, continued my father, to stir the humours—but carry off none of their acrimony:—for my own part, I seldom swear or curse at all——I hold it bad—but if I fall into it, by surprize, I generally retain so much presence of mind (right, quoth my uncle Toby) as to make it answer my purpose—that is, I swear on, till I find myself easy. A wise and a just man however would always endeavour to proportion the vent given to these humours, not only to the degree of them stirring within himself—but to the size and ill intent of the offence upon which they are to fall.——“Injuries come only from the heart,”7——quoth my uncle Toby. For this reason, continued my father, with the most Cervantick gravity,8 I have the greatest veneration in the world for that gentleman, who, in distrust of his own discretion in this point, sat down and composed (that is at his leisure) fit forms of swearing suitable to all cases, from the lowest to the highest provocations which could possibly happen to him,—which forms being well consider’d by him, and such moreover as he could stand to, he kept them ever by him on the chimney piece, within his reach, ready for use.——I never apprehended, replied Dr. Slop, that such a thing was ever thought of,——much less executed. I beg your pardon—answered my father; I was reading, though not using, one of them to my brother Toby this morning, whilst he pour’d out the tea—’tis here upon the shelf over my head;——but if I remember right, ’tis too violent for a cut of the thumb.—— Not at all, quoth Dr. Slop —the devil take the fellow.—Then answered my father, ’Tis much at your service, Dr. Slop ——on condition you will read it aloud;——so rising up and reaching down a form of excommunication9 of the church of Rome, a copy of which, my father (who was curious in his collections) had procured out of the leger-book of the church of Rochester, writ by ERNULPHUS the bishop—with a most affected seriousness of look and voice, which might have cajoled Ernulphus himself,—he put it into Dr. Slop’s hands.—Dr. Slop wrapt his thumb up in the corner of his handkerchief, and with a wry face, though without any suspicion, read aloud, as follows,— my uncle Toby whistling Lillabullero, as loud as he could, all the time.

  Textus de Ecclesiâ Roffensi, per Ernulfum Episcopum.

  CAP.XXXV.

  EXCOMMUNICATIO.

  EX auctoritate Dei omnipotentis, Patris, et Filij, et Spiritus Sancti, et sanctorum canonum, sanctæque et intemeratæ Virginis Dei genetricis Mariæ,

  ———Atque omnium cœlestium virtutum, angelorum, archangelorum, thronorum, dominationum, potestatuum, cherubin ac seraphin, & sanctorum patriarcharum, prophetarum, & omnium apostolorum et evangelistarum, & sanctorum innocentum, qui in conspectu Agni soli digni inventi sunt canticum cantare novum, et sanctorum martyrum, et sanctorum

  As the genuineness of the consultation of the Sorbonne upon the question of baptism, was doubted by some, and denied by others,——’twas thought proper to print the original of this excommunication; for the copy of which Mr. Shandy returns thanks to the chapter clerk of the dean and chapter of Rochester.

  CHAP. XI.

  “BY the authority of God Almighty, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and of the holy canons, and of the undefiled Virgin Mary, mother and patroness of our Saviour.” I think there is no necessity, quoth Dr. Slop, dropping the paper down to his knee, and addressing himself to my father,——as you have read it over, Sir, so lately, to read it aloud;—and as Captain Shandy seems to have no great inclination to hear it, ——I may as well read it to myself. That’s contrary to treaty, replied my father,—besides, there is something so whimsical, especially in the latter part of it, I should grieve to lose the pleasure of a second reading. Dr. Slop did not altogether like it,—but my uncle Toby offering at that instant to give over whistling, and read it himself to them;——Dr. Slop thought he might as well read it under the cover of my uncle Toby’s whistling,—as suffer my uncle Toby to read it alone;—so raising up the paper to his face, and holding it quite parallel to it, in order to hide his chagrin,—he read it aloud as follows,——my uncle Toby whistling Lillabullero, though not quite so loud as before.

  “By the authority of God Almighty, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and of the undefiled Virgin Mary, mother and patroness of our Saviour, and of all the celestial virtues, angels, archangels, thrones, dominions, powers, cherubins and seraphins, and of all the holy patriarchs, prophets, and of all the apostles and evangelists, and of the holy innocents, who in the sight of the holy Lamb, are found worthy to sing the new song, of the holy martyrs and holy confessors, and of the holy virgins, and of all confessorum, et sanctarum virginum, atque omnium simul sanctorum et electorum Dei,—Excommunicamus, et anath-

  vel os1 s vel os s

  ematizamus hunc furem, vel hunc malefactorem, N.N. et a liminibus sanctæ Dei ecclesiæ sequestramus ut æternis suppliciis

  vel i n

  excruciandus, mancipetur, cum Dathan et Abiram, et cum his qui dixerunt Domino Deo, Recede à nobis, scientiam viarum tuarum nolumus: et sicut aquâ ignis extinguitur, sic extinguatur

  vel eorum

  lucerna ejus in secula seculorum nisi resipuerit, et ad satis-

  n

  factionem venerit. Amen.

  os

  Maledicat illum Deus Pater qui hominem creavit. Maledicat

  os os

  illum Dei Filius qui pro homine passus est. Maledicat illum

  os

  Spiritus Sanctus qui in baptismo effusus est. Maledicat illum sancta crux, quam Christus pro nostrâ salute hostem triumphans, ascendit.

  os

  Maledicat illum sancta Dei genetrix et perpetua Virgo Maria.

  os

  Maledicat illum sanctus Michael, animarum susceptor sacra-

  os

  rum. Maledicant illum omnes angeli et archangeli, principatus et potestates, omnisque militia cœlestis.

  os

  Maledicat illum patriarcharum et prophetarum laudabilis

  os

  numerus. Maledicat illum sanctus Johannes præcursor et Baptista Christi, et sanctus Petrus, et sanctus Paulus, atque sanctus Andreas, omnesque Christi apostoli, sim
ul et cæteri discipuli, quatuor quoque evangelistæ, qui sua prædicatione mundum

  os

  universum converterunt. Maledicat illum cuneus martyrum et confessorum mirificus, qui Deo bonis operibus placitus inventus est.

  the saints together, with the holy and elect of God.——May he,” (Obadiah) “be damn’d,” (for tying these knots.)—— “We excommunicate, and anathematise him, and from the thresholds of the holy church of God Almighty we sequester him, that he may be tormented, disposed and delivered over with Dathan and Abiram,2 and with those who say unto the Lord God, Depart from us, we desire none of thy ways. And as fire is quenched with water, so let the light of him be put out for evermore, unless it shall repent him” (Obadiah, of the knots which he has tied) “and make satisfaction” (for them.) Amen.

  “May the Father who created man, curse him.—May the Son who suffered for us, curse him.—May the Holy Ghost who was given to us in baptism, curse him (Obadiah.)—May the holy cross which Christ for our salvation triumphing over his enemies, ascended,—curse him.

  “May the holy and eternal Virgin Mary, mother of God, curse him.—May St. Michael the advocate of holy souls, curse him.— May all the angels and archangels, principalities and powers, and all the heavenly armies,3 curse him.” [Our armies swore terribly in Flanders, cried my uncle Toby,—but nothing to this.—For my own part, I could not have a heart to curse my dog so.]