The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman (Penguin Classics)

by Laurence Sterne

  ——Best of honest and gallant servants!——But I have apostrophiz’d thee, Trim! once before——and could I apotheosize thee also (that is to say) with good company——I would do it without ceremony in the very next page.

  CHAP. XXXI.

  NOW my uncle Toby had one evening laid down his pipe upon the table, and was counting over to himself upon his finger ends, (beginning at his thumb) all Mrs. Wadman’s perfections one by one; and happening two or three times together, either by omitting some, or counting others twice over, to puzzle himself sadly before he could get beyond his middle finger——Prithee, Trim! said he, taking up his pipe again,—— bring me a pen and ink: Trim brought paper also.

  Take a full sheet1——Trim! said my uncle Toby, making a sign with his pipe at the same time to take a chair and sit down close by him at the table. The Corporal obeyed——placed the paper directly before him——took a pen and dip’d it in the ink.

  —She has a thousand virtues, Trim! said my uncle Toby ———

  Am I to set them down, an’ please your honour? quoth the Corporal.

  ——But they must be taken in their ranks, replied my uncle Toby; for of them all, Trim, that which wins me most, and which is a security for all the rest, is the compassionate turn and singular humanity of her character—I protest, added my uncle Toby, looking up, as he protested it, towards the top of the ceiling——That was I her brother, Trim, a thousand fold, she could not make more constant or more tender enquiries after my sufferings——though now no more.

  The Corporal made no reply to my uncle Toby’s protestation, but by a short cough—he dip’d the pen a second time into the inkhorn; and my uncle Toby, pointing with the end of his pipe as close to the top of the sheet at the left hand corner of it, as he could get it——the Corporal wrote down the word

  HUMANITY – – – – thus.

  Prithee, Corporal, said my uncle Toby, as soon as Trim had done it———how often does Mrs. Bridget enquire after the wound on the cap of thy knee, which thou received’st at the battle of Landen?

  She never, an’ please your honour, enquires after it at all.

  That, Corporal, said my uncle Toby, with all the triumph the goodness of his nature would permit——That shews the difference in the character of the mistress and maid——had the for tune of war allotted the same mischance to me, Mrs. Wadman would have enquired into every circumstance relating to it a hundred times——She would have enquired, an’ please your honour, ten times as often about your honour’s groin——The pain, Trim, is equally excruciating,——and Compassion has as much to do with the one as the other——

  ——God bless your honour! cried the Corporal——what has a woman’s compassion to do with a wound upon the cap of a man’s knee? had your honour’s been shot into ten thousand splinters at the affair of Landen, Mrs. Wadman would have troubled her head as little about it as Bridget; because, added the Corporal, lowering his voice and speaking very distinctly, as he assigned his reason——

  “The knee is such a distance from the main body—whereas the groin, your honour knows, is upon the very curtin of the place.”

  My uncle Toby gave a long whistle——but in a note which could scarce be heard across the table.

  The Corporal had advanced too far to retire——in three words he told the rest——

  My uncle Toby laid down his pipe as gently upon the fender, as if it had been spun from the unravellings of a spider’s web———

  ———Let us go to my brother Shandy’s, said he.

  CHAP. XXXII.

  THERE will be just time, whilst my uncle Toby and Trim are walking to my father’s, to inform you, that Mrs. Wadman had, some moons before this, made a confident of my mother; and that Mrs. Bridget, who had the burden of her own, as well as her mistress’s secret to carry, had got happily delivered of both to Susannah behind the garden-wall.

  As for my mother, she saw nothing at all in it, to make the least bustle about——but Susannah was sufficient by herself for all the ends and purposes you could possibly have, in exporting a family secret; for she instantly imparted it by signs to Jonathan ——and Jonathan by tokens to the cook, as she was basting a loin of mutton; the cook sold it with some kitchen-fat to the postillion for a groat, who truck’d it with the dairy-maid for something of about the same value——and though whisper’d in the hay-loft, FAME caught the notes with her brazen trumpet and sounded them upon the house-top—In a word, not an old woman in the village or five miles round, who did not understand the difficulties of my uncle Toby’s siege, and what were the secret articles which had delay’d the surrender.——

  My father, whose way was to force every event in nature into an hypothesis, by which means never man crucified TRUTH at the rate he did——had but just heard of the report as my uncle Toby set out; and catching fire suddenly at the trespass done his brother by it, was demonstrating to Yorick, notwithstanding my mother was sitting by——not only, “That the devil was in women, and that the whole of the affair was lust;” but that every evil and disorder in the world of what kind or nature soever, from the first fall of Adam, down to my uncle Toby’s (inclusive) was owing one way or other to the same unruly appetite.

  Yorick was just bringing my father’s hypothesis to some temper, when my uncle Toby entering the room with marks of infinite benevolence and forgiveness in his looks, my father’s eloquence rekindled against the passion——and as he was not very nice in the choice of his words when he was wroth——as soon as my uncle Toby was seated by the fire, and had filled his pipe, my father broke out in this manner.

  CHAP. XXXIII.1

  ——THAT provision should be made for continuing the race of so great, so exalted and godlike a Being as man— I am far from denying—but philosophy speaks freely of every thing; and therefore I still think and do maintain it to be a pity, that it should be done by means of a passion which bends down the faculties, and turns all the wisdom, contemplations, and operations of the soul backwards—–a passion, my dear, continued my father, addressing himself to my mother, which couples and equals wise men with fools, and makes us come out of our caverns and hiding-places more like satyrs and four-footed beasts than men.

  I know it will be said, continued my father (availing himself of the Prolepsis)2 that in itself, and simply taken——like hunger, or thirst, or sleep——’tis an affair neither good or bad—or shameful or otherwise.——Why then did the delicacy of Diogenes and Plato3 so recalcitrate4 against it? and wherefore, when we go about to make and plant a man, do we put out the candle? and for what reason is it, that all the parts thereof—the congredients5—the preparations—the instru-ments, and whatever serves thereto, are so held as to be conveyed to a cleanly mind by no language, translation, or periphrasis whatever?

  ——The act of killing and destroying a man, continued my father raising his voice—and turning to my uncle Toby— you see, is glorious—and the weapons by which we do it are honourable——We march with them upon our shoulders—— Westrut with them by our sides——Wegild them——Wecarve them——We in-lay them——We enrich them——Nay, if it be but a scoundril cannon, we cast an ornament upon the breech of it.—

  ——My uncle Toby laid down his pipe to intercede for a better epithet——and Yorick was rising up to batter the whole hypothesis to pieces——

  ——When Obadiah broke into the middle of the room with a complaint, which cried out for an immediate hearing.

  The case was this:

  My father, whether by ancient custom of the manor, or as improprietor of the great tythes,6 was obliged to keep a Bull for the service of the Parish, and Obadiah had led his cow upon a pop-visit to him one day or other the preceeding summer ——I say, one day or other—because as chance would have it, it was the day on which he was married to my father’s house-maid——so one was a reckoning to the other. Therefore when Obadiah’s wife was brought to bed—Obadiah thanked God——

  ——Now, said Obadiah, I shall have a calf: so
Obadiah went daily to visit his cow.

  She’ll calve on Monday—on Tuesday—or Wednesday at the farthest——

  The cow did not calve——no—she’ll not calve till next week ——the cow put it off terribly—–till at the end of the sixth week Obadiah’s suspicions (like a good man’s) fell upon the Bull.

  Now the parish being very large, my father’s Bull, to speak the truth of him, was no way equal to the department; he had, however, got himself, somehow or other, thrust into employ-ment—and as he went through the business with a grave face, my father had a high opinion of him.

  ——Most of the townsmen, an’ please your worship, quoth Obadiah, believe that ’tis all the Bull’s fault——

  ——But may not a cow be barren? replied my father, turning to Doctor Slop.

  It never happens: said Dr. Slop, but the man’s wife may have come before her time naturally enough——Prithee has the child hair upon his head?—added Dr. Slop———

  ——It is as hairy as I am;7 said Obadiah.——Obadiah had not been shaved for three weeks——Wheu – – u – – – – u – – – – – – – – cried my father; beginning the sentence with an exclamatory whistle——and so, brother Toby, this poor Bull of mine, who is as good a Bull as ever p—ss’d, and might have done for Europa herself in purer times——had he but two legs less, might have been driven into Doctors Commons8 and lost his character——which to a Town Bull, brother Toby, is the very same thing as his life———

  L – – d! said my mother, what is all this story about?——

  A COCK and a BULL,9 said Yorick——And one of the best of its kind, I ever heard.

  THE END of the NINTH VOLUME.

  Appendix

  Glossary of Terms of Fortification

  Generally the definitions herein are quoted directly from Chambers; in two instances, recourse is had to John Muller, A Treatise Containing the Elementary Part of Fortification (1746). The plate is from Chambers.

  Banquette ‘A little foot-bank, or elevation of earth forming a path which runs along the inside of a parapet; by which the musqueteers get up, to discover the counterscarp, or to fire on the enemies in the moat, or in the covert-way. The banquette is generally a foot and a half high, and almost three foot broad; having two or three steps to mount it by.’

  Bastion ‘A huge massive of earth usually faced with sods, sometimes with brick, rarely with stone, standing out from a rampart, whereof it is a principal part. A bastion consists of two faces and two flanks.… The union of the two faces makes the outmost or saliant angle, called also the angle of the bastion.’ See plate, figures o and p.

  Blinds ‘Defences usually made of oziers, or branches interwoven and laid across, between two rows of stakes about the height of a man, and four or five foot apart; used particularly at the heads of trenches, when they are extended in front towards the glacis; serving to shelter the workmen, and prevent their being overlooked by the enemy.’ See plate for illustration.

  Breastworks See Parapet.

  Circumvallation ‘A line or trench, with a parapet, thrown up by the besiegers, encompassing all their camp, to defend it against any army that may attempt to relieve the place. This line is to be cannon-shot distant from the place.’

  Counterguard (s.v. Envelope in Chambers) ‘A mount of earth, sometimes raised in the ditch of a place, and sometimes beyond it; being either in form of a simple parapet, or of a small rampart bordered

  with a parapet. These envelopes are made, where weak places are only to be covered with single lines; without advancing towards the field.’

  Counterscarp ‘The exterior slope, or acclivity of the ditch, looking towards the campaign. Counter-scarp is also used for the covert-way, and the glacis. To be lodged on the counterscarp, is to be lodged on the covert-way, or the glacis.’

  Covered way (s.v. Covert Way in Chambers) ‘A space of ground level with the adjoining country, on the edge of the ditch, ranging quite round the half-moons, and other works without-side the ditch… One of the greatest difficulties in a siege, is to make a lodgment on the covert way; because, usually, the besieged pallisade it along the middle, and undermine it on all sides.’ See plate, figure b.

  Cross batteries (s.v. Battery in Chambers) ‘Two batteries at a considerable distance from each other, which play a-thwart one another at the same time, and upon the same point, forming right angles.’

  Curtin ‘That part of a wall, or rampart, which is between two bastions; or which joins the flanks thereof… The curtin is usually bordered with a parapet five foot high; behind which the soldiers stand to fire upon the covert way, and into the moat.’ See plate, figure q. See also above, n. 3 to II.xii.

  Cuvette (s.v. Cunette in Chambers) ‘A deep trench, about three or four fathom wide, sunk along the middle of a dry moat, to lade out the water; or to make the passage more difficult to the enemy.’

  Demi-bastion ‘A kind of fortification, that has only one face, and one flank.’

  Demi-culverin ‘A piece of ordnance commonly 4½ inches bore, 10 foot long, 2700 pound weight; its charge is 7 pound 4 ounces of powder; and it carries a shot of 10 pounds 11 ounces; and shoots point blank 175 paces.’

  Ditch ‘Called also Foss, and Moat, a trench dug round the rampart, or wall of a fortified place, between the scarp, and counterscarp. Some Ditches are dry; others full of water: each whereof have their advantages.’ See plate, figure h.

  Double tenaille See Tenaille.

  Epaulement ‘A side-work hastily thrown up, to cover the cannon, or the men. It is made either of earth thrown up, of bags filled with sand or earth, or of gabions, fascines, &c. with earth.

  ‘Epaulement, is also used for a demi-bastion… placed at the point of a horn or crown-work.’

  Esplanade See Glacis.

  Face ‘Faces of a bastion, are the two foremost sides, reaching from the flanks to the point of the bastion, where they meet.… Face of a place, denotes the interval between the points of two neighbouring bastions, containing the curtain, the two flanks, and the two Faces of the bastions that looked towards one another. This is otherwise called the tenaille of the place.’

  Fausse-braye ‘An elevation of earth, two or three fathoms broad, round the foot of the rampart on the outside, defended by a parapet which parts it from the berme [i.e., the space between the ditch and the base of the parapet], and the edge of the ditch: its use is for the defence of the ditch.… It is of little use where ramparts are faced with wall, because of the rubbish which the cannon beats down into it. For this reason, engineers will have none before the faces of the bastions.’

  Flank ‘A line, drawn from the extremity of the face, towards the inside of the work.… Or, Flank is that part of the bastion, which reaches from the curtin to the face, and defends the opposite face, the Flank, and the curtin.’

  Foss(e) ‘A ditch, or moat.’

  Gabions ‘Large baskets, made of osier twigs, woven of a cylindrical form, six foot high, and four wide; which being filled with earth, serve as a defence, or shelter from the enemy’s fire.’ See plate for illustration.

  Gazons ‘Turfs, or pieces of fresh earth covered with grass, cut in form of a wedge, about a foot long, and half a foot thick: to line or face the outside of works made of earth, in order to keep up the same, and prevent their mouldering.’

  Glacis The slope or declivity of the counterscarp; ‘being a sloping bank which reaches from the parapet of the counterscarp, or covert-way, to the level side of the field’. See plate, figure a. Also called esplanade.

  Gorge ‘The entrance of a bastion; or of a ravelin, or other outwork.… The gorge of a bastion, is what remains of the sides of the polygon of a place, after retrenching the curtins: in which case it makes an angle in the centre of the bastion.… Gorge of a half moon, or ravelin, is the space between the two ends of their faces next the place.’

  Half-moon ‘An outwork, consisting of two faces, forming together a saliant angle, whose gorge is turned like an half moon.… Half moons a
re sometimes raised before the curtin, when the ditch is wider than it ought to be; in which case it is much the same with a ravelin; only that the gorge of an half-moon is made bending in like a bow, or crescent, and is chiefly used to cover the point of the bastion; whereas ravelins are always placed before the curtin.—But they are both defective, as being ill flanked.’ See plate, figures 5 (top) and k. See also above, n. 3 to II.xii.

  Horn-work ‘A sort of out-work, advancing toward the field, to cover and defend a curtin, bastion, or other place suspected to be weaker than the rest.… It consists of two demi-bastions… joined by a curtin.’ See plate, figures 9 and f.

  Ichnography ‘The plan or representation of the length and breadth of a fortress, the distinct parts of which are marked out, either on the ground itself, or upon paper.’

  Investing ‘The opening a siege, and the incamping of an army round the place, to block up its avenues, and prevent all ingress and egress.… It is the cavalry that always begins to invest a place.’

  Lodgment ‘A work cast up by the besiegers, during their approaches, in some dangerous post, which they have gained, and where it is absolutely necessary to secure themselves against the enemies fire; as in a covert-way; in a breach, the bottom of a moat, or any other part gained from the besieged. Lodgments are made by casting up earth, or by gabions, or palisades,… mantelets, or any thing capable of covering soldiers in the place they have gained, and are determined to keep.’

  Mantelet See Blinds.

  Mine ‘A subterraneous canal, or passage dug under the wall, or rampart of a fortification, intended to be blown up by gun-powder.’

  Mole ‘A massive work formed of large stones laid in the sea by means of coffer-dams, extended either in a right line or an arch of a circle, before a port; which it serves to close; to defend the vessels in it from the impetuosity of the waves, and prevent the passage of ships without leave.’