by Amanda Heath
He holds his hands up and everything calms down until Tate appears behind him. He has red welts on his face and arms from where I beat him with the sword. That makes me calm for a split second but then I feel the need to make him bleed. “Tate, fucking get away from here. She looks like she wants to murder you,” Max whispers.
“She’s wanted to murder me for years, yet I’m still standing here,” Tate replies all cocky like.
I squint my eyes at him, taking a step closer to the both of them. “You push and you push Tate. You ask and you ask. You take and you take.” I take a deep breath, swinging the hammer in my fists. “Well, you’ve finally pushed too much. Asked too much. Taken too much.” Then I throw the hammer at him.
He ducks though and I scream at the top of my lungs. Everything is falling apart around me and I can’t seem to catch my breath.
Max catches me around my waist when I try to go to Tate with my fists raised. “Calm down, Farah. Calm down, please,” Max says in my ear but I don’t listen. No, my eyes and ears are focused on the piece of shit in front of me.
Tate smirks at me and I finally break free from Max, launching myself at Tate. “You stupid fuck!” I scream, hitting him over and over again. Well, until he grabs my wrists, stopping me. A drop of blood hits me on the hand and I finally do calm down. I look up at him and see I’ve split his full bottom lip. His green eyes flare down at me and I gloat. “It’s about time you bled for me. It’s about time you felt something other than your own stupid arrogance.”
He opens his stupid mouth but he’s interrupted when someone starts banging on the front door. “Open up! Police!” a male voice booms from outside.
Max wraps his hand around my wrist and pulls me back from Tate. My eyes never leave Tate though. I don’t know how I could ever have loved him. He’s a monster. An asshole, a fucking piece of shit.
“Get back in your room and stay there. You aren’t leaving,” Max says to me. I let him pull me into the bedroom. I let him shut the door, cutting off the stare down with Tate. But he’s wrong if he thinks I’m not leaving.
I grab a bag out of my closet and I start throwing all my clothes into it. Then I find another bag and start throwing my shoes in it. I have a lot of shoes. Then I walk over to my dresser and start stuffing my underwear and PJs into another bag. I softly walk out into the hall and into the bathroom. I put my makeup bag in with my underwear. Then I move out of the room.
I’m still in my PJs from last night and that’s kind of embarrassing considering I’m wearing one of Tate’s old shirts and boy shorts again. Yeah I know, but hey, it’s all I sleep in. I left a pair of chucks out and I quickly put them on my feet. Then I gather all my bags and head down the stairs. Tate and Max are talking to Officer Dalton at the front door. I’m assuming one of the neighbors called because of all the screaming and banging around.
“There’s nothing going on here. I swear. We were just listening to the music really loud,” Max explains to Dalton.
Dalton sees me but doesn’t make a move or anything to alert the boys to my arrival. I throw a finger over my lips and hope he does, in fact, keep his mouth shut. He nods his head and I hope it’s for me and not Max. “I see. Well, Mr. Spears, since we haven’t had any complaints before, I guess we’ll let this go…”
I don’t hear anything else he says because I’m going out the back door. I run to my car, but I know they can’t see me today. I’m parked close to the house; farther up than I was last time I snuck out. Unfortunately, Tate’s bike isn’t parked behind me today. No, he had to take it to the shop because I bent up a lot of the metal with my car.
I should have known he was going back to Beth when he left the bike at his Dad’s house. She hates that fucking thing and refuses to let him drive it. Me though, I was on the back of that thing every time he asked me to ride with him.
I fucking hope they can’t fix it. But if they do, I’ll just take some gas and a match to it.
No, no I won’t because I’m not getting involved with anything that has to do with them. Only Blake. I refuse to be the doormat I’ve been in the past. I let that asshole walk all over me and I’m not doing that anymore.
I won’t be the other woman ever again.
Tate
“Jesus fucking Christ,” Max mutters, looking at the destruction in front of us. I feel cold on the inside. I really don’t like feeling this way. It’s one thing to know you are the cause of someone else’s pain, it’s another thing entirely to see it for yourself.
There are about a dozen holes in the walls from where she hit the hammer into the drywall. Her bed covers are in tatters, lying haphazardly around the room. Pictures of me are smashed on the floor and I’m glad I put on shoes before coming in here.
“This is crazy,” Max says, picking up a picture frame from the floor with a deep frown on his face. “I knew she was having a hard time letting go of her anger, but this is just insane. What the fuck got into her?” he wonders out loud.
I don’t answer him. I don’t even think I can speak right now. I reach up with my left hand and wipe it against my bottom lip. At least the bleeding has seemed to stop. I kind of feel like I got run over by a bike. What with the sword fight and Farah taking her fists to me.
I know what got into her. She was right when she said I’ve taken too much. I’ve taken more than she ever had to give and I never asked for permission. I’m not going to apologize though. I loved her for so fucking long. I spent years trying to make up for the mistakes that I made but I just couldn’t do it.
I ran and I got left in the dust.
“I know you’re in love with her,” I say. I guess I do have the will to speak right now.
Max drops the frame and turns to me with a scowl on his face. “That’s what you decide to say right now? Of course I’m in love with her! You wouldn’t have ever touched her if I wasn’t.” He comes at me fast and I flinch back in no desire to be hit again. “You think I’m stupid? Or just delusional? She was right you know. You take and you take but you never give anything back. That’s not how you’re supposed to live in a relationship, Tate.”
He picks up a picture of me; I’m lying on the floor with my shirt off. Farah thought it would be funny to pose me like a model. I remember her giving me direction as she snapped photos on her phone. It was a fun day and I miss that the most. I miss how fun she used to be before I broke her. “I’m never going to hurt her again. I want you to know that.”
I try to take the picture from him but he throws it against the wall, smashing it more. I can’t believe she even kept the picture, but once I got a good look at it earlier I realized she’d marked out my face and used it for dart practice a few times.
“You’re damn right you aren’t!” he yells, making me flinch back from him. My brother and I are lost at sea drifting away from each other. We have been all our lives and for once, I wish it wasn’t so.
You ever looked back at your life and wondered where you screwed up the most? Looking at Max, I realize that I screwed up the most with him. When I should have been his best friend and confidante I stabbed him in the back several times. I think about all the girls he liked that I fucked. I think about how he felt and still feels about Farah and I took her away from him because I couldn’t stand the thought that he could be happy.
I’m glad I never tried to take Sarah away. Seems I do have a limit on what I’m willing to do.
“I feel like I’ve lived my whole life trying to get even with you,” I murmur, staring at my little brother. Maxwell Spears, the apple of his mother’s eye.
Max groans and looks me dead in the eye. “You have, Tate. I’ve never done a single fucking thing to you. I’ve hidden your mistakes and your betrayals. I’ve lied to people I love, for you. And all you seem to do is destroy me. I love you anyway, because that’s what family does. Even when you’re the biggest dick that ever lived, I still love you.”
I walk towards him, slowly. I wrap my hand around the back of his neck and I pull him against
me. I wrap my other arm around his shoulder. “I…love you too. And I’m sorry for all those things I’ve done.”
Max sighs and wraps his arms around me. “When did you turn into such a big fucking baby? I’m the one who lost my wife.” He pats my back, hard, I might add. “I forgive you. And I’m sorry I was ever fucking born since that seems to be the cause of all your issues.”
I laugh and I feel a little warmth enter my soul. “It wasn’t because you were born. It is because you know how to be happy and I don’t.”
Max pulls away and looks me in the eye with sternness. “Get help. When you go back to Beth, find a therapist and get help. You aren’t good to anyone in the condition you’re in, let alone your daughter.”
I lift my hand to ruffle his hair. “I will. I promise.”
And that’s how I found a way to see my brother for who he really is and not someone I have to compete with. Not someone I have to hate for no reason at all. And not someone I have to find ways to get even with when there’s nothing to avenge.
Farah
Pops and Charlie are sitting on the porch when I pull up. The first thing out of my mouth when I pull up is, “If either Max or Tate call here, you tell them to go fuck themselves.”
Pops chokes on his beef jerky that he eats like fucking candy. He always has a bag of that shit and it drives me crazy. He really doesn’t need all that sodium or red meat.
Charlie lifts his multicolored head when I reach the porch and his tail starts wiggling against the boards. “I’ll do that little bird, but you gotta tell me why.”
I curl one side of my lip up. “Because they’re both liars.”
Pops nods. “I see. So that’s why you destroyed an entire room at Max’s.”
Now it’s my turn to nod. “I also beat Tate with a plastic sword and threw a hammer at his face. Then I punched him and split his lip. It’s been a fairly productive day if I do say so myself.”
Pops shakes his head this time. “I really shouldn’t have taught you how to protect yourself. Or how to use tools.” He rocks back in his wicker rocking chair and looks up at the heavens. “Lord, why did you give me two girly girls and then this hardass tomboy?”
I roll my eyes at that. “You made me what I am. Someone had to, or I was just going to keep taking everyone’s shit. And it seems I was still taking people’s shit.”
That makes Pops raise his eyebrows. “What do you mean?”
I sigh and sit down next to Charlie on the floor. I look out over the yard and I smile. This view is the best one in the world. Pops and I used to sit out here for hours and watch the wildlife around us. The chickens pecking at the ground. The deer eating out of the feeder a few hundred yards away. The birds flying around all the trees. And whatever dog he owned at the time chasing other animals around.
It’s every summer I can remember from childhood. My mom couldn’t stand to have me in the house, said I was too wild and she’d send me here. I always wondered if that was her idea of a punishment or something. It was always a reward to me. I would never want to be anywhere else than here.
But then I remember the parts my Gran made special. She loved to bake but, then again, lots of Grans like to bake. She liked to make muffins though and cupcakes. Pies with lots of different berries and I would sit in her kitchen and watch. I think I might have divided my time between my two grandparents. I loved them equally.
Pops puts his hand on my head and I look up at him. “You being here, it makes this old man happy. You’re the only one I could ever stand for more than an hour.” I laugh at that, while choking back tears. “Sarah had a special place in my heart, I loved both you girls the same, but she wasn’t like me. She didn’t see the world the way you do, didn’t experience like you did. You and me, kid, we’re strange and wild. Lots of people try to tame us, but it’ll never happen.”
I smile a little at him and turn my head back to the yard, my hand rubbing against Charlie’s thick fur.
That’s about the time Sarah decides to show up. I haven’t seen her since the day before her funeral. I squeeze my eyes shut at the sight. Pain lances through my heart and I wonder why the damn thing keeps beating.
The only person I have in the world is sitting next to me. He won’t last forever. The man is already eighty, though he acts sixty. I worry about him and I know I’ll be going shortly after him. I think that’s the only reason I’m still around.
I could stay for Blake but he’s got plenty of people who love him. He doesn’t need some crazy aunt coming round making everyone uncomfortable. He’s never understood the tension I cause whenever I walk into a room.
Sarah sits down in front of me and reaches down for my hand. She lays hers on top of mine but it doesn’t connect and falls through me. It’s weird but I don’t feel anything where her hand is. I pick both my legs up and set my chin on them, staring at her. She looks confused but she sits back and looks up at Pops.
We all sit in silence, basking in our own pain, grief and anger.
About two hours later my mother shows up. I’m shocked she even spent the gas money to show up out here. I can’t remember the last time she even came here of her own free will. She hates this house and sometimes I think she hates Pops as much as she hates me.
She gets out of the car, slamming the door shut behind her. She storms up the porch, her floral dress flowing behind her. She always looks like a million bucks and I hate it. I know what she hides under all that makeup and fancy clothes. A black heart and plenty of wrinkles.
“Farah, we need to speak about your behavior.” That’s the first thing that comes out of her mouth. She tucks a wisp of her blonde hair behind her ear. Her blue eyes shining with anger and hatred.
I raise both eyebrows and just look at her. I have no words. I know Tate and Max didn’t send her out here, regardless of what they’ve done to me, they wouldn’t wish this woman on me either.
“You need to get some respect for yourself and other people. You can’t just destroy someone’s house and think you can get away with it.” She stomps her foot and I laugh at her display of anger. She’s really pissed and I love it. I love it when she feels something towards me other than hatred and indifference. I am only a daughter looking for her mother’s attention.
“You make it sound like I took a bulldozer to the side of Max’s house.” I slowly stand up, staring her down. “You forget that my nephew lives there. My twin sister lived there too. I would never destroy it.”
She huffs. “Well, you did a really good number on that bedroom and to Tate’s face.”
I lick my lips and move closer to where she stands at the bottom of the porch steps. “It’s none of your goddamn business, mother. It’s nobody’s fucking business. Tate knows what he did to deserve it. Max knows what he did to deserve it.”
Her eyes widen and I know I’m about to get it. “It is my business when my only daughter goes around town acting like a psycho!”
I purse my lips at that one. “I didn’t realize I’d spent any time in town recently. No, in fact, I haven’t spent much time around this town in years. I only lived here.”
“Quit talking back to me, I’m your mother!” she screeches.
I move to the end of the steps. “When you fucking act like my mother, I’ll treat you like my mother. At this point, you’re just the fucking bitch who gave birth to me.”
She’s up the stairs and slapping me across the face before I can even blink. Hell, I didn’t even know she could move that fast still. It’s not the first time she’s slapped me in the past twenty-six years. It probably won’t be the last.
This is when Pops has had enough. “Nancy, you get your ass off my property before I call that Dalton kid down here to arrest you for assault.”
My mom’s mouth opens and closes. It’s also been awhile since I’ve seen her speechless. It’s not long before she finds her voice though. “I can’t believe you either, Dad! How can you let this little piece of trash into the house you built with my mother? How can you
spend any time with the person who killed her?”
I close my eyes and grit my teeth at that. Pain, all I feel is pain. I haven’t thought about the car wreck with Gran in months. I was doing so well. The pain though, it vibrates through my veins, wanting out, wanting to make me bleed. It always wants me to bleed.
“Get. Out. Of. My. Yard,” Pops says, steam all but rising out of his ears. “You won’t speak to me or your daughter like that, ever. I see you at this house again and you ain’t gonna say you’re sorry, I’ll fucking shoot you. I don’t care if I helped make you. Ain’t no child of mine gonna act like this.”
Then he grabs my arm and pulls me into the house, where I fall to my knees and weep. I cry for hours it seems because I can’t take it.
I can’t fucking take it anymore.
Seven
Farah
I’ve spent the past three days sleeping. Or as Pops likes to say, I’m running from my problems. Sleeping is an escape I guess, meaning that my eyes are closed and I can’t see my dead sister anymore.
She’s everywhere I fucking look these days. I thought I was over this hallucination when she wasn’t at her own funeral but¸ apparently, I was so wrong. I don’t know what she wants from me. I really don’t. It’s like this overwhelming punishment I don’t deserve.
I stood by her, all twenty-six years she was on this earth. I did things I wasn’t comfortable with doing, to protect her.
The thing is, my sister was goodness, but she has this dark side. It didn’t come out often but it scared me. She used to say we were the two sides to one coin. That makes sense, considering she was all goodness with a little dark and I’m all darkness with a little good.
“Waves” by Mr. Probz softly plays from my stereo while I think about all the things I shouldn’t. I haven’t gotten out of this bed much either. Just to shower and use the bathroom. Pops brings me food three times a day but I barely touch any of it. Why should I eat? Why shouldn’t I just waste away? Who the fuck would really care? I know Pops would and that’s the only reason I even eat the amount I do.