Matchmakers 2.0 (A Novel Nibbles title)

by Geary, Debora

  Miri beamed. “He needs a water sign. Pisces or Cancer. Cancer would be best; that would bring out his protective side, but in a good way. Pisces would work if the woman’s not a total pushover.”

  Derrick clacked away on his computer. “Okay, I just sent you some profiles. Two Cancer, two Pisces. All four live in L.A. and match on the basic demographics.”

  Miri opened the first file. “Oh no, not this one. She’s Cancer, but very close to being a Leo. She’ll be too strong-minded for Bobby Joe.”

  “So, astrology signs are on a continuum?” Derrick looked truly interested. “It matters if you’re in the middle of the date range or on the ends?”

  Miri nodded slowly, clearly working out how to navigate these strange new waters. “It’s called a cusp. If your birthday’s close to the cusp, then you take on some characteristics of the neighboring sign.”

  Derrick looked thoughtful. “So if I’m Virgo, and Lily is Scorpio, but really close to Sagitarius, what does that mean?”

  I hadn’t heard Derrick say this many words in a row, ever. That he was saying them about his love life was adorable. My job didn’t have enough adorable parts. I pulled out a granola bar and settled back to enjoy the show.

  “That’s a complicated match,” Miri said. “Your minds probably enjoy a lot of the same things, but she’ll tend to be more outgoing and open to new experiences than you are. You’ll need to stretch a little, but it could also bring out the best in both of you.”

  Derrick studiously wrote down every word. I couldn’t laugh. It was too damned sweet. And having interviewed Lily, I knew it wasn’t far off the mark.

  “Oh, and Derrick?” Miri winked at him. “The sex will be amazing.”

  I had no idea red came in so many shades. Poor Derrick. Or maybe damned lucky Derrick.

  I decided it was time to ride to his rescue and put on my best team-leader voice. “Now that we’ve foretold Derrick’s love life, maybe we can try to help out Bobby Joe.”

  Miri opened another match profile. “Try this one. She’s Pisces, which is good, but she has four older brothers, so I bet she’s not a total pushover.”

  “Great. How about the other two?”

  Miri shrugged. “Doesn’t matter. Bobby Joe’s a Scorpio and a bubba. He’s going to go with the first woman we send him, or decide we suck and never come back.”

  She winked at Derrick again. “Scorpios can be very decisive.”

  You could practically see the pink hearts flying around his head.

  I walked down the hall to my desk in a pretty good mood. It didn’t last long. The head of Marketing was sitting in my office.

  He waved a sheaf of papers at me. “Mick, I don’t think this contest is really random. This is the third time in a row someone on the marketing team has gotten Bella. I think she should be removed from the pool.”

  Marketing guys always think the world should be re-stacked in their favor. “That isn’t up to me, Jeff.”

  He gave me one of those ingratiating, team-building grins. “Your support for my recommendation would make a big difference. Surely you support a level playing field for everyone.”

  Heck, no. That’s why his team always got Bella. “I don’t know. Imagine how big the victory would be if you did find Bella a match. MatchMakers has an obligation to every client.” I’d learned some marketing-speak in my three years with the company.

  My phone rang, which was a nice excuse to wave Jeff out of my office. It was Jazie, which was strange. She’s the text-messaging queen. I put her on hold until Jeff shut the door to my office on his way out.

  “What’s up? You never call me at the office.”

  Jazie laughed. “This is somewhat work related. You remember Hazel? I just saw her at the grocery store. You’ll never guess.”

  I tried to imagine what kind of trouble Hazel could stir up in the produce bins. “No idea.”

  “You know that guy you set her up with? George? She calls him her ‘sweet young man’.”

  With a limited number of older men in our database, I’d been forced to set Hazel up with younger men. George was sixty-four, seven years younger than Hazel. “I’m glad things are working out for her.” And I was, but this wasn’t newsworthy enough to convince Jazie to use a phone. “So what did you really call about?”

  “I really called about Hazel. She’s inviting us to her engagement party.”

  I felt my eyes bulge. “She only met him last week.”

  “Well, she reeled him in fast. I don’t think he stood a chance, honestly. You’re sure he’s a nice guy, right?”

  As sure as you can be from a client data sheet. “His wife recently left him for a younger guy and his favorite activity is sleepovers with the grandkids. How scary can he be?”

  “Yeah, he sounds harmless,” said Jazie. “Well, Tuesday, four o’clock, at Hazel’s daughter’s house. I’ll email you the address.”

  I hung up the phone wondering when my life had switched to the crazy track. Derrick was in love and Hazel was engaged. It was way too much hopefulness for my MatchMakers-induced pessimism.

  While I was still all caught up in warm, fuzzy feelings, I opened my match messaging system and replied to Sam. I suggested Duke Gardens for our second date. Maybe it would be contagious.

  I have no idea what came over me. Must have been momentary insanity.

  Chapter 9

  Miri strolled through my door, two pizza boxes in her arms. “Hey Jazie, good to see you again. You bring the Bellini fixings?” The three of us had first bonded over peach Bellinis, and it was still our girls-night drink of choice.

  Jazie handed over a Bellini. “Yep. And chocolate fudge.”

  I hoped the fudge was spiked. I really needed to know Miri’s secret formula for Match the Loser. At this point, it wasn’t really about professional pride. I just couldn’t believe anyone could keep a secret for two years.

  I picked up two Netflix envelopes. “Laurel Canyon, or Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood?” We were working our way through O Magazine’s list of the top fifty chick flicks of all time. Guess whose idea that was.

  Miri pulled a huge folder out of her bag, along with three astrology charts. “I want you guys to help me with my Match the Loser stuff. The only deal is, we have to do it before we get too drunk. I have to maintain some professionalism.”

  I was not prepared for such early success. “You’re going to share the secret formula? Why would you do that?”

  She grinned at me. “Because it’s my last Loser contest. I’m giving you notice on Monday.” She spun around in a circle, astrology charts in one hand, Bellini in the other. “I’m opening my bookstore. I signed a lease this morning.”

  Miri had talked forever about opening an astrology bookstore and new-age café. I had no idea she’d been serious.

  Jazie hugged her. “Congratulations, girl! Get me some business cards I can hand out.”

  Miri’s Bellini was in jeopardy. “I’m so excited. I want to do charts for parents, to help them learn about the little souls they’ll be raising. I have some great baby name books on order, too.”

  “You can come do a talk for my mamas’ group; they’ll love it.”

  I rescued all of the Bellinis before one hit my rug. Gotta keep those garage sale finds in good shape. I was happy for Miri; really, I was. I just don’t handle change well, especially when it means I’ll have more work to do, not to mention spending hours alone in a room every day with newly-in-love Derrick. Maybe she could stick around, at least until I found a replacement.

  Miri knows me pretty well. “I’m sorry, Mick, but you’ll sort it out at work. When the stars line up, you just have to go for it, you know? The planets won’t be this well positioned for me again for fourteen years.”

  Hell, I couldn’t very well screw up her life for the next decade-and-a-half. “I’m really happy for you.”

  I made a mental note to introduce her to Sam. Maybe he could do erotic book signings or something. That would be sure to draw a crowd
. At the very least, it sounded like he bought enough books to keep her in business single-handedly.

  Miri picked up her Bellini again and waved it around. “In that case, have a drink, and I’ll share my super-secret formula for matchmaking success.”

  I could drink to that.

  Miri picked up her astrology charts. “Here’s the deal. The contest isn’t really about making matches. It’s about getting the best satisfaction scores from one date.”

  I nodded my head. “Right. But, isn’t that pretty much the same as making matches?”

  Jazie laughed. Clearly, I was missing something obvious.

  “Girl, you need to get out more.” Miri grabbed a pizza box. Whatever her strategy was, apparently we could eat at the same time. “So, I had to shift my way of looking at things. How do you get the best satisfaction score from a first date, especially with people who have been historically hard to match?”

  Jazie toasted Miri. “You’re so brilliant.” They giggled together.

  I was still in the dark, dammit. “What? I don’t get it.”

  That just made them laugh harder. Jazie finally relented. “Mick, you’re old and withered before your time. Mind-blowing sex. Miri’s setting people up for hot, steamy dates.”

  I stared at Miri. “You win the contest by trying to get your people laid?”

  She shrugged. “It works, doesn’t it?”

  I couldn’t argue with a four-contest winning streak. “That’s so not the point of the contest. I love it. Jazie’s right; you’re freaking brilliant.”

  “I figured anyone who’s been in our system for six months is either hopeless partner material, or not really looking for a match. Everyone can use some nice, steamy sex, so I gave that a try. When it won, I just kept refining the technique.”

  Jazie laid back into my couch. “So how do you match people up for mind-blowing sex? Inquiring minds want to know.”

  Miri waved her astrology charts again. Of course.

  She handed us copies. “These are specialized astrology charts focusing on sexual compatibility.” She winked. “I’ll be selling them in my bookstore.”

  Yeah, those would sell like hotcakes. I looked at the chart. Each sign could match up with twelve different possibilities. This was not for the mathematically challenged.

  Jazie was reading in fascination. “It says Mark and I have sparks flying at the beginning, but a strong inner fire will keep the engines of lust burning forever.” She toasted us. I think she’d already moved on to Bellini number two.

  “Awesome for you,” said Miri, beaming at her star pupil. “Long-term hot sex is great, but for the contest, I just look at what it says for initial sparks. I look for the match with the best chance of immediate gratification. For both partners,” she ended righteously.

  “So, what about Mick and Sam?” asked Jazie.

  Miri frowned. “Who’s Sam?”

  Cripes. I was so hoping to stick with the astrologically-blessed sex lives of other people. “He’s a new guy I dated. Just once, I might add.”

  “When’s his birthday?”

  I shrugged. “Who knows?” I shrugged again when she glared at me. “It’s not something I usually ask on a first date.”

  Miri looked totally shocked. “No wonder you’ve had so many dating disasters, girl. Have I taught you nothing in three years?”

  Jazie spoke up. “Won’t his birthday be in his profile, Mick?”

  “You’re dating someone from MatchMakers?” Miri looked gleeful.

  I gave into the inevitable and logged into my MatchMakers user account. “His birthday is, oh, give me a break. It says February fourteenth. No way.”

  “Did he lie about other stuff? Post a fake picture?” Miri knew all the classic pants-on-fire signs.

  “No. Fine. Maybe he really was born on Valentine’s Day.” I could see the stars in their eyes already.

  “Well, that makes him an Aquarius,” said Miri, “although he might have undertones of Virgo as well.” She wiggled her eyebrows at me. I had no idea what that meant.

  “Aquarius men are sensual and inventive lovers.” Jazie was reading from the astrological sex chart. “Erotic and imaginative, they make wonderful short and long-term sexual partners. Mick, you hit the jackpot. Told you so.”

  “You’re Libra,” said Miri, “but you must have something else going on astrologically, because you’re the least spontaneous Libra I’ve ever met. Libra and Aquarius are a great sex match, though. You should definitely jump him, Mick.” She grinned at me. “Or in your case, let him jump you.”

  “He’d better do it,” said Jazie dryly. “Mick will make that happen about the time I become a grandmother.”

  “Thanks a lot.” I grabbed another piece of pizza.

  Miri raised an eyebrow. “No first date nooky, huh? Aquarius men are usually open to rapid intimacy.”

  Forget pizza; I needed chocolate. I dug around in Jazie’s grocery bag for the fudge. “We were at Cosmic. They frown on sex while you eat your burritos.”

  Jazie laughed and shook her head. “Don’t blame it on the viewing public. You got hung up because he writes erotica.”

  Miri almost dropped her pizza. “Mick’s dating a guy who writes sexy books? That’s so perfect. Are they any good?”

  She and Jazie had obviously made some serious headway into the Bellinis. Maybe I’d have felt less like a bug under a microscope if I’d been keeping up.

  Jazie pulled a book out of her purse and passed it to Miri. “They’re totally good.”

  Nope, Bellinis weren’t going to make this any better. I downed mine anyhow. “You bought one of his books?”

  “Duh,” said Jazie. “All I have to say is, when you finally hop in bed with him, if he’s half as good as his imagination, you’re going to have one heck of a ride. And I expect you to tell me all about it.”

  Miri was deep into Chapter One, already. “He’s so Aquarius,” she sighed. “Mick, you are so lucky.”

  Jazie pulled a second copy of the book out of her bag and handed it to me. “Here, I got you a copy, too. Actually, I got three; I’m not done reading mine, yet. Mark and I got distracted somewhere in Chapter Four.”

  Mental note to self. Definitely skip Chapter Four.

  Chapter 10

  Fortunately, I’d picked Sunday afternoon for my second date with Sam. It took all of Saturday for my head to recover from the wicked combination of too many Bellinis and Sam’s writing.

  Miri and Jazie had insisted on reading several chapters aloud. I was trying very hard not to think about them as I waited for Sam at the entrance to Duke Gardens. There had been one chapter in his book that I was pretty sure took place down by the Japanese pond.

  Sam strolled over, right on time. “Hey, Mick.” He took the picnic basket from my hands. Yeah, I’d set this date up in a really weak moment.

  “Hey, yourself. Do you want to eat first, or wander around a little?”

  “I’m a guy. Let’s eat first. You’ve been here before, right? Do you want the big meadow by the pond, or somewhere a little more off the beaten path?”

  I chickened out. “The meadow—I like watching the ducks get mad when Frisbees land in the water.”

  He laughed and took my hand. It was really nice, and that was a good thing. I’d spent the last few days feeling like a horrible prude, and it needed to stop. I’m clearly not as widely read as some of my friends, but I’m not Jane Austen, either.

  “I’m glad you agreed to this,” he said. “The writing thing turns off a lot of women, and I wasn’t sure which camp you were going to land in.”

  My honesty genes kicked in. “Me, neither. Which made me feel fairly stupid, since you didn’t even blink an eye about what I do.”

  He grinned. “I knew what you did. I Googled you. Found your Facebook picture, too. I’m not a total nimwit.”

  I stuck out my tongue at him. Maturity is not one of my best things. “And here I was giving you bonus points for not being hooked on appearances.”
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br />   “To risk repeating myself, I’m a guy. I’d have gone on the first date anyhow, though. I found your Ph.D. thesis online too. Any woman who can study guppy sex for four years is worth at least one date.”

  My cheeks had to have been the color of pizza sauce. “It wasn’t sex; it was mating behaviors.”

  “Sex and mating behaviors are pretty much the same thing for a guy. Ask your boy guppies.”

  I had spent more time embarrassed in the last few days than in the past twenty years. Well, maybe not; being a teenage girl had been pretty embarrassing. “Is there anything you didn’t know about me?”

  He wrapped an arm around my shoulders. “I didn’t know you’re really cute when you’re embarrassed. I didn’t know you have a soft spot for little old ladies. And, I didn’t know you’re a closet romantic.” He held up the picnic basket and gestured at the gardens.

  “It was a weak moment,” I mumbled. When you spend half your single life moaning about the lack of decent guys, it’s hard to know what to do when you actually find one. I’m not good with change.

  “So, tell me about what makes you have weak moments,” he said. “This spot work?”

  We’d reached the edge of the meadow, a grassy, downhill slope to the duck pond. It was one of my favorite places to be in Durham. I told him about Derrick in love as we set up the picnic.

  “It’s creepy,” I finished, “but kind of sweet, too.”

  “See, closet romantic.” Sam started to pull things out of his messenger bag—a bottle of wine, a Frisbee, and one of his books. It was the same book Jazie had given me. Must be the one with the secret erotica-for-beginners label.

  My face was back to red.

  “What?” he teased. “You don’t play Frisbee?” He handed me the book. “I figured you’d be curious, and it was better to get it out of the way. This one’s my best seller.”

  Time to grow up, girl. “I already read it.”

  Sam looked pleased. “That was fast. It’s hard to find here, oddly enough.”