Hostage: (McIntyre Security Bodyguard Series - Book 7)

by April Wilson

  Cooper shrugs. “I don’t know. We won’t know until she tries.”

  Jake appears, heading down the hallway toward us, carrying our bags and the case holding Beth’s breast pump.

  “Perfect timing,” I tell him. “Thanks.”

  I carry our things into the room. When I hand Beth the breast pump, she smiles gratefully, pressing a hand to her chest. “Thank goodness. I’m about to explode.”

  She takes a seat in the padded rocking chair and opens the case holding the breast pump.

  I crouch down beside her. “Wait. Before you do that, would you like to hold Luke?”

  Her eyes widen in panic, and she shakes her head as she holds a hand against her breasts. “I really need to pump, Shane. It’s been three hours, and they hurt.”

  “You could try nursing him.”

  She shakes her head. “I’ll pump, and then you can feed him from a bottle. You’d like that, right?”

  Quiet voices draw our attention across the room, where Cooper is talking to a woman dressed in light blue scrubs decorated with tiny teddy bears. The woman nods at something Cooper said, and then she approaches us.

  “Mrs. McIntyre?” the woman says. The nurse—Laura, according to her name tag—smiles at Beth. “I’m so glad you’re here. Luke needs his mama.”

  The nurse offers me a smile too. “And you must be Dad. It’s a pleasure to meet you both. Lucas is doing really well. His oxygen levels are improving, and he’s been eating well. Mr. Cooper informs me that you want to nurse him, Beth. Is it okay if I call you Beth?”

  Beth nods, her hands fidgeting with the breast pump.

  “We’ve been giving him formula,” Laura continues, “but now that you’re here, he can try to nurse. Would you like to try?”

  The blood drains from Beth’s face, leaving her ghostly pale.

  “Maybe we should start with letting Beth hold him,” I suggest, earning an equally appalled glance from Beth.

  Laura nods as she observes Beth’s reaction. “I think that’s a good idea. Would you like to hold him, Beth?”

  Everyone’s looking at Beth, unfortunately putting her on the spot.

  She nods reluctantly. “All right.”

  The guys quietly leave the room as the nurse gets Luke out of the incubator, which takes a bit of doing as he’s connected to so many wires and tubes. He’s awake now, squirming and fussing.

  Laura brings the baby to Beth. “Would you like to unbutton your blouse, so you can hold him against your chest, skin to skin? That way he can feel your warmth and smell your scent.”

  Beth slowly unbuttons her blouse, revealing swollen breasts that strain against the too-small cups of her bra. I make a mental note to have someone bring her nursing bras from home.

  Laura gently places Luke against Beth’s chest, nestled right between her breasts, and helps Beth arrange her hands so that she can cradle the baby securely against her body. Then Laura draws a blanket around the two of them to help insulate their combined body heat.

  “Just like that,” Laura says, her voice gentle and encouraging. “You’re doing great, Beth.”

  “He’s so small,” Beth says, staring down at him. “I’m afraid I’ll hurt him.”

  “He’s tougher than he looks,” Laura says, patting the baby’s back gently.

  Laura glances at me, as if gauging my reaction. I know I’m hovering, but I can’t help it. The sight of Beth holding our son against her skin hits me hard, like a punch to the gut. I’m just sorry that it took so long for this to happen. The desire to get them both home, so we can be together as a family, is gnawing at me.

  Luke starts squirming in Beth’s hands, his fussing growing louder and more forceful, and she shoots me a panicked look.

  “It’s okay,” I tell her, my hand going to the back of her head to stroke her hair. “You’re doing great.”

  “He’s not happy,” she says, looking from me to Laura, as if hoping someone will step in and bail her out.

  I watch Luke rubbing his face against the swell of Beth’s breast where it overflows her bra, his mouth open and searching. Jesus, the kid knows he’s in the right place.

  Laura leans in to watch the baby’s movements and smiles. “He’s rooting,” she says to Beth. “That’s a good sign. It means he wants to nurse. Would you like to give it a try?”

  Beth looks at me, overwhelmed. I feel bad for putting her on the spot like this, but maybe it will help her connect with our son. I pull a chair up beside her and sit down. “Go on, sweetheart. Give it a try.”

  “Here, I’ll help you,” Laura says, looking at Beth for permission. “Okay?”

  Beth nods, looking far from convinced.

  “Unhook your bra,” Laura says.

  Beth unfastens the hook at the front of her bra, uncovering one full breast.

  “Let me show you how to hold him,” Laura says, grabbing a pillow and demonstrating. “This is one of the best positions for premature babies.”

  Luke turns his face toward Beth’s breast and nuzzles her nipple.

  “See, he’s interested,” Laura says. “That’s a really good sign. Now, stroke his cheek like this.”

  It’s a good thing I’m sitting down, because if I wasn’t, I’d have already hit the floor, landing flat on my ass. Seeing Luke nuzzling Beth’s breast is one of the most beautiful sights I’ve ever seen.

  Luke tries several times to latch on, his mouth open and eager, but impatient and uncoordinated. He doesn’t seem quite able to manage it. Laura helps him get latched on a couple of times, but he invariably loses his grip on the nipple. With each attempt, he gets fussier, his cries progressing from thin and breathy to all-out wails. And the fussier he gets, the more frantic Beth looks. Before long, Luke’s screeching his head off, and his face starts turning red.

  “I can’t do this,” Beth says, her own voice shaking and her eyes filling with tears. “I can’t!”

  “It’s okay,” Laura says, gently taking Luke into her own arms and wrapping him in a blanket. “Let’s take a break. Would you like to pump and feed him with a bottle this time? We can practice getting him to latch on the next time. How does that sound?”

  Beth wipes her wet cheeks with the side of her hand. “Yes. Thank you.”

  Chapter 24

  Beth

  The baby’s room has everything we need. A private bathroom with a sink and shower, a mini refrigerator for storing breast milk, a single bed and a recliner that unfolds into a bed, in addition to the cozy padded rocking chair. It’s a perfect little family space. So why am I so desperate to go home?

  I want to go home, but I’m afraid to say anything to Shane. It’ll just disappoint him further that I’m not what I should be.

  After I pump, Laura helps me transfer what little I produced into a tiny bottle for Luke. “That’s not very much,” I say, staring at the thin, yellow liquid. “It doesn’t look like milk.”

  She smiles, screwing the nipple onto the bottle. “That’s because it isn’t. It’s colostrum. Your milk won’t come in for another day or two. But don’t worry. This stuff is good for him. It’s called liquid gold for a reason.”

  When Laura hands me the bottle with barely an ounce in it, I shake my head and pass it to Shane. “I’ve already held him. It’s your turn. You feed him.”

  I refasten my bra and vacate the rocking chair for Shane.

  “Are you sure?” he says.

  “Yes.” I trade seats with him. Laura hands Shane the baby, and he nestles the child in the crook of his arm. The baby is so small, he’s practically dwarfed in Shane’s arms.

  Fascinated, I watch Shane as he feeds the baby for the first time. He seems pretty relaxed and comfortable, far more so than I would be. He must be doing it right because Laura’s watching over his shoulder and she’s not correcting him.

  There’s so much love and tenderness in his gaze as he watches his son eat, it takes my breath away. Shane’s going to be a wonderful father. He’ll more than make up for my shortcomings.

/>   Shane and I watch in awe as the baby sucks vigorously on the miniature bottle.

  “He’s doing really well, isn’t he?” Shane says, glancing up at Laura for confirmation.

  Laura smiles. “Yes, he is.”

  When the bottle is empty, Shane holds it up, and the baby starts fussing at the loss of his dinner. “I think he’s still hungry,” he says.

  “I’m sorry,” I say. “That’s all I was able to get.”

  “That’s okay,” Laura says. “You did great, Beth. We’ll supplement with formula until your milk comes in.”

  Laura goes to prepare some formula, leaving me and Shane alone with the baby. I watch Shane gazing down at our son, cradling him so carefully in his strong arms. It’s mesmerizing to see such a strong, confident man being so incredibly gentle.

  “He’s perfect,” Shane says, giving me a smile. He slides the baby’s knit cap back just enough to expose tufts of pale blond hair. “He’s got your coloring.”

  The baby resumes crying, his voice thin and breathy as he broadcasts his displeasure at having his meal interrupted.

  “Hey, little guy,” Shane croons, gently bouncing the baby in his arms. “It’s okay. More milk is coming. Be patient.”

  Shane strokes the baby’s clenched fist with the tip of his index finger, and the baby opens his fist and latches on, holding on for dear life. Watching the two of them together makes my heart hurt and my throat tighten painfully. We could have lost the baby so easily, before he’d even had a chance.

  The door to the room opens, making me jump.

  Laura comes in with a fresh bottle, and I brush away the tears on my cheeks as she hands it to Shane. “Here you go, Dad.”

  Shane looks to me. “Would you like to feed him?”

  I shake my head, gingerly rising from my chair to stretch my back and legs. My body hurts all over—but most especially down there after sitting so long. “No. You finish it. I need to use the restroom.”

  “Do you need some help? I’ll come with you,” he says. “I’m sure Laura wouldn’t mind feeding Lucas.”

  “No, you stay. I’ll be fine.”

  I escape into the bathroom, desperately needing a few moments alone. Just as I’m closing the door, I hear Shane’s low voice as he coos at the baby, encouraging him to latch onto the nipple. Alone now, I lean against the door and close my eyes, squeezing them in an attempt to stem the flow of tears. I don’t know what to do. I’ve messed everything up so badly, and I’m afraid I’ll make things worse. I don’t know how to take care of a newborn, let alone a preemie. This all happened too soon, and I’m just not ready.

  I take my time in the bathroom, emptying my bladder and washing my hands and face. I’m so exhausted I can barely stand. When I leave my sanctuary, I find Cooper and Sam back in our room with clothes from home and other necessities. It’s only six o’clock, but I feel like I’m about to pass out.

  Shane has finished feeding the baby, and he’s rocking him, gently patting his back.

  I go sit on the bed.

  “How are you holding up, kiddo?” Cooper says, patting my leg as he hands me a carry-out bag. “I brought you and Shane some dinner.”

  “Thanks. I’m exhausted.”

  “I’m sure you are.” He studies me for a moment. “I heard you held Luke.”

  I nod. “Yes. I tried to nurse him, but it didn’t go well.”

  “Give him time. He’s a smart boy. He’ll figure it out.”

  I laugh. “How can you tell he’s a smart boy? He’s two days old.”

  Cooper grins. “He takes after his mama. That’s how I know.”

  We both glance over at the incubator, where Shane’s getting diapering lessons from Laura, and Sam’s looking on, critiquing Shane’s technique.

  “Everything’s going to be okay, honey,” Cooper says, rubbing my back. “You know that, right?”

  I nod. “Sure.”

  “No, I mean it. Everything’s going to be okay. You just rest and enjoy that precious little boy.”

  I try my best to smile at Cooper’s reassurances, but inside I feel so undeserving. I almost lost my child because of my selfishness.

  “Beth?”

  I snap my attention back to Cooper. “Hmm?”

  “It’s not your fault.”

  Pain and shame cut through me like a knife, stealing my breath. “Yes, it is,” I say, my voice barely audible.

  “Oh, honey….”

  I can’t bear to see the sorrow in his eyes, so I look away, hiding from his scrutiny.

  He takes my hand, holding it gently in his. “Listen to me, kiddo. What happened was not your fault. None of it.”

  I snap back to look at him. “He could have died in that attic!” I say, trying to keep my voice low. “He couldn’t breathe! He wasn’t supposed to be born then, not at that time, or in that horrible place. If he’d died, it would have been my fault.”

  Cooper shakes his head. “You were in the wrong place at the wrong time, honey. What you went through was horrendous, and you did a courageous job. No one blames you. You need to concentrate on your son and let this misplaced sense of guilt go.”

  I want to believe him, I really do, but I can’t let it go. It’s not that easy. Forgiving myself would be taking the easy way out, and I don’t deserve that.

  Someone turns the lights down in the room, casting us in semi-darkness. There’s a nightlight near the incubator, and I can see that the baby is back in his safe little box, warm and protected.

  Shane joins us, clasping Cooper’s shoulder. “Thanks for bringing our stuff. And for the food.”

  Cooper nods. “No problem.” Then he stands. “Sam and I will head home and let you guys try to get some rest. Call if you need anything.”

  As if on cue, Sam appears in front of me and leans down to kiss my forehead. “I can’t wait until you and the little dude come home. We’re going to have so much fun.”

  Shane walks Cooper and Sam and Laura out the door, leaving me alone with my thoughts, grateful for the solitude. He’s gone longer than I expected, which makes me wonder what they’re talking about out in the hallway.

  When Shane finally returns to the room, he grabs his toiletries bag and some pajamas and disappears into the bathroom for a few minutes. When he comes out, he’s wearing flannel PJ pants and a T-shirt, ready for bed. I’m sure he’s as exhausted as I am.

  I sit in the rocker, and he sits in the chair beside me, and we eat the sandwiches Cooper brought us. Afterward, we brush our teeth, ready to crash, even though it’s only seven o’clock. We both have a lot of lost sleep to make up for.

  Instead of unfolding the recliner to make a second bed, Shane climbs into bed with me and lies at my back, sliding beneath the covers and pulling me into his arms.

  I stiffen, feeling unsure. “This bed is too small for the both of us,” I say, laughing to cover my initial reaction.

  “I know.” He nuzzles the back of my head, his lips and nose buried in my hair. “I’ll make up the other bed in a few minutes. But first, I need to hold you. It’s been a rough couple of days.”

  I close my eyes when I feel his lips in my hair. His tenderness just makes me feel worse.

  “Sweetheart, we need to talk,” he says a few minutes later, his voice hesitant.

  My heart starts hammering painfully and the darkness feels like it’s closing in on me. I attempt to pull away, but he holds me firmly at his side.

  “No, no. Just relax,” he murmurs. “Everything’s okay.”

  “No, it’s not.”

  He sighs, tightening his hold. “We have a beautiful, perfect little boy.”

  “He could have died, Shane.”

  “But he didn’t. Jason got him breathing in time.”

  “None of that would have been necessary if I hadn’t—”

  “Hadn’t what?”

  “Been so selfish. So stupid!”

  “Beth.” He sighs heavily, then drops a kiss on my shoulder. “Do you know what I think?”

&nbs
p; “What?”

  “Remember how your back was hurting when you woke up yesterday morning? How you were having mild contractions?”

  “Yes.”

  “I think you were likely already in labor then, and we just didn’t realize it. We assumed those were Braxton Hicks contractions, when in fact, I think they were real ones.”

  “You’re just saying that to make me feel better.” I’m stunned by his suggestion. But now that he mentions it, it seems plausible. But wouldn’t that make things even worse? I was in labor already when we left home? How could I have been so stupid?

  “We’ll never know, sweetheart. But whether you were already in labor, or the trauma of the robbery kick-started your labor, it doesn’t matter. Luke’s here, albeit a little early, but he’s doing well. Laura said if he continues as he has been, he could go home in a couple of weeks.”

  Shane turns me to face him. “None of this is your fault. Do you hear me? None of it.” His beautiful eyes, barely visible in the darkened room, search mine. He reaches for my hand and links our fingers together. “I want you to let go of this misplaced guilt and let yourself enjoy that little baby. He needs you, sweetheart.”

  When I don’t respond, he frowns. “How are you feeling? In all the excitement about Luke, your health has been neglected.”

  “I’m fine.”

  “Are you?” He lays his hand gently on my belly, which is still quite a bit round and soft. “How do you feel? Really?”

  “I’m tender.”

  “I want you to see your obstetrician for a follow-up tomorrow. I’ll call her in the morning to see if she can squeeze us in. I’m sure Cooper and Sam will be more than happy to stay with Luke while I take you to the doctor. Or maybe your mom or mine can come.” He leans over and kisses the tip of my nose. “I wish I could sleep with you tonight, but this bed really is too small for the both of us.”

  Shane slides out from beneath the bedding and gets to his feet, taking care not to jostle me. He unfolds the recliner beside my bed into a makeshift bed and grabs bedding and a pillow from the cupboard. “I’ll be right here all night. If you need any help, wake me.”

  Chapter 25