Scandal's Mistress (A Novel of Lord Hawkesbury's Players)

by C. J. Archer

  “It’s not that. I know you said what you did out of a sense of duty. I forgive you.”

  “Is it something to do with what people are saying? Because I don’t care about the rumors and gossip. I don’t care what people think. You’re my…you’re mine. Alice, no…stop. Stop moving away.”

  She shook her head quickly and put up a hand. “Don’t come closer. Please, just stay there and listen to me. You and I getting married is a mistake. I duped you, Leo, just like I duped Enderby that night. I played a part, the part of a willing woman.” She sucked in her bottom lip because it was threatening to betray her with a wobble.

  Leo remained silent, still, watching. His nostrils flared and his breathing became deep and steady and Alice was almost relieved that he was finally getting mad. It was a sign that he believed her and would leave.

  “All I wanted was the shop,” she said, forging on while she still could. He merely stared. Then he spun on his heel and marched to the door. He opened it but paused, lifted his face to the ceiling, and slammed the door shut. A set of wings fell off their hook. Alice went to pick them up but he was there before her, lightning fast. He grabbed her wrist and forced her to face him.

  “Tell me you feel nothing,” he growled. “Tell me there is nothing between us, that you don’t care for me, and I’ll leave.”

  It wasn’t supposed to be like this. He was supposed to quickly capitulate and be relieved she’d released him from the obligation of his unexpected proposal in Enderby’s study. His pride must be severely damaged by her rejection or he’d have left already.

  Or he’d fallen in love with her after all.

  “There is nothing between us, Leo,” she said as strongly as she could manage. “I care nothing for you.”

  The muscles in Leo’s face worked, a vein in his neck throbbed. He reached up with both hands and clasped her face. He kissed her. A fierce kiss that set her on fire, yet weakened her at the same time. She wanted to stay there, be held and cherished by him, but somehow she fought her instincts and pulled away. She closed her eyes against the misery welling in his.

  When she opened them again it was just in time to see him slamming the door shut behind him.

  CHAPTER 24

  Leo stopped at the nearest tavern—he didn’t know its name—and got drunk. Wildly, blindly, couldn’t-find-his-way-home drunk. If it wasn’t for Blake, he would have spent the night…somewhere. He didn’t recognize the lane he’d stumbled into to take a piss.

  “Lucky you’re a loud drunk,” Blake said, his arm around Leo’s shoulders, propping him up, “or I’d never have found you.”

  “Loud?”

  “Did you know your language is worse than most pirates I’ve met when you’ve had too many ales?”

  Leo looked at his brother but that caused him to stumble so he went back to concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other. It was bloody hard. “Who was I shouting at?”

  “No one that I could see. Maybe your own demons.”

  “Ah, those.” His demons had been friends to him for a long time. They’d disappeared there for a while, whenever he was with Alice…He groaned.

  “I know.” Blake squeezed Leo’s shoulder. “I know, Brother.” He sounded far away.

  “You know what?”

  “You said Alice just now.”

  Bollocks. “I hate her.”

  “No you don’t.”

  “No I don’t.” Somehow they were already home. Leo shoved Blake away because he was damned if he was going to let his family and his brother’s servants see him being assisted like an old man. Problem was, he couldn’t grasp the doorknob. It kept moving. Blake reached past him and gripped it on the first try. He opened the door and tried to take Leo’s arm.

  Leo shook him off. “I’m not a bloody invalid. Go fu—”

  “Mother,” Blake said smoothly.

  Leo glanced up, right into the face of his mother. She stood beside Greeves, who hovered close by, hands out as if he was about to catch something. Leo?

  “You found him.” She didn’t sound angry. She didn’t look angry either. That made a change. When he was younger and often used to drink to excess, she would scold him upon his return home. But now her eyes were soft and full of unshed tears as she came toward him. She touched his cheek with her cool fingers. “My poor boy.”

  He reached down and hugged her. “Mother…Alice…” He couldn’t continue. His throat closed and the words wouldn’t form in his head.

  She tightened her hold.

  It felt good. She was warm and comfortable and it reminded him of when he was a boy and had scraped his knee. She would hug him and put something cool on his wound and he’d feel instantly better. Not this time. Nothing would make this fiery, piercing pain go away. Not ever.

  He closed his eyes, but that was a mistake. His stomach roiled and his head swam. He pushed his mother away and made it as far as the stairs before he retched.

  “He was never a good drunk,” Blake said on a sigh.

  It was almost midday the following day when Leo awoke. He wanted to remain abed but his manservant came to tell him Hawkesbury and Min were joining the family for dinner.

  “Greeves had Sweet Mary make up a draught, my lord,” his man said. He handed Leo a small phial and Leo drank it down. It tasted like dirt but he knew from experience it would make his headache ease sooner rather than later.

  The servant helped him dress, then Leo joined his family in the dining room. They looked up upon his arrival, varying degrees of sympathy on their faces, even Hawkesbury’s. Leo wanted to turn around and walk right out again but he stayed and greeted the guests.

  Hawkesbury, standing as close to Lilly as possible without actually touching her, shook his hand. “I hope we can put the last few weeks behind us.”

  Leo wanted nothing more. He wanted to forget everything. All of it. If only that were possible. He could get drunk again but that hadn’t helped much the night before. He’d still thought of Alice even when every other thought had become obliterated by the drink.

  “As long as you wed my sister, all will be conveniently forgotten,” he said.

  “Leo,” Lilly snapped.

  “Agreed,” Hawkesbury said. “We’re to marry as soon as possible. The bishop of London is a friend of mine and I’ve already petitioned him for a special license. We won’t need to wait long.”

  Lilly smiled up at Hawkesbury. He smiled back. Leo turned away but he had the misfortune of focusing on Min and Blake, who were also staring lovingly into each other’s eyes.

  “Come sit down,” his mother said, holding out a chair for him. She had that sympathetic glaze in her eyes again, the one that reminded him of everything he’d lost.

  His heart clenched. “After you,” he said.

  She sat and indicated she wanted him to sit beside her. “I expect you’ll want to eat quickly before you go out again.”

  He looked away, at his plate, the food, anywhere except at her and the others watching his every move. “I’m not going anywhere.”

  “I see.”

  He waited for her to say something more, because she rarely said “I see” and left the conversation alone. Those two words were always a precursor to something else. But this time, she said nothing, and he felt the words hanging over him like an executioner’s blade.

  They dined more grandly than usual, on four courses. They ate oysters, beef pies, roasted lamb and capons, larks, and tarts, and spoke of nothing in particular. Not wedding plans or any such talk that would usually occur with two couples about to be married among the party.

  Finally as the servants served fruit and cheese, Leo asked Hawkesbury if he’d heard any more from the queen or Walsingham since his release from the Tower. Hopefully politics could distract him.

  “Of course,” Hawkesbury said, “but now is not the time for such talk.”

  “I disagree.”

  Hawkesbury looked like he wanted to thump him. Leo almost wished he would try. “Walsingham dismi
ssed the clerk who brought the letter to his attention,” he said. “To me that indicates he believes your version of the letter. If he didn’t, he would have rewarded the fellow.”

  It seemed Grayshaw couldn’t talk his way out of this mess then. “I should apologize for what I wrote about your father in the false letter,” Leo said. “I hope you see it was necessary. I had to think of something scandalous enough for Enderby to blackmail you over, but not treasonous. It was all I could come up with at the time.”

  Hawkesbury waved off the apology. “It was a good ruse and I don’t think it will ever reach my mother’s ears.”

  “Everything will be all right now,” Lilly said, resting her hand on top of Hawkesbury’s. She spoke as if they were alone together, as if he were the center of her world.

  Hawkesbury brought her hand to his lips and kissed it. Leo looked away, straight into Min’s gentle gaze.

  “At least Patience will be taken care of,” Min said. “Lord Hawkesbury informed us she is to wed her lover and that her father has reinstated him as land steward.”

  Great. Wonderful. Another bloody happy couple. Leo was surrounded by them.

  The room felt hot and close, his ruff too tight. He stood and waved off his mother’s concerned questions. “I need some air.”

  He left but was dogged by his mother. “Leo,” she said. He stopped and let her catch him. “Leo, are you going to see her?”

  “Why would I do that?” he snapped. “She’s made her point. She doesn’t want anything to do with me.”

  “I don’t believe that.”

  He laughed harshly. “You didn’t hear what she said yesterday.”

  “No,” she said quietly, “but I can guess.”

  “Can you? Can you, Mother?” He didn’t want to have this conversation, not now, not ever. He made for his chambers but changed his mind. He needed a hard ride somewhere, anywhere, away from all the love in his brother’s damned house.

  “You know she’s lying,” his mother called after him.

  He shouldn’t listen to her. He should leave. He had things to do, a ride to take, and maybe some drinking afterward.

  But he heard the swish of his mother’s skirts as she came up behind him. “Did she tell you she only wanted your money? Your title? Did she say she doesn’t love you?”

  If he remained very, very still, his bones might not shatter into a thousand pieces. He said nothing but inclined his head.

  “And you, foolish man, believed her. I always thought you were the sensible one of all my children.”

  “Sensible,” he echoed. His voice sounded thick, not his own.

  His mother came round to face him but he refused to look at her. He focused on a painting of his stepfather. It stared back at him, austere, not at all like the real man who’d never shown anything but kindness to Leo growing up.

  She took both his hands in hers but she didn’t force him to look at her. He was grateful. “Listen to me,” she said. “Your father loved Belle.”

  He frowned. “Belle?” Oh. The mistress. “What are you trying to say?”

  “I’m trying to tell you that he risked a great deal to be with her because he loved her. He never loved me, not like that. She was the daughter of a baker, but he didn’t care. He was besotted with her and I’m pleased they had some time together at the end.” She smiled. “I can say that now. I couldn’t then, not when he was alive, but after I met your stepfather, I realized what love was. It was nothing like what I felt for your father or he for me.” She tugged on his hands. “Do you understand?”

  He blinked slowly at her. No, he didn’t understand. What did this have to do with Alice? “My father was a selfish man. I despise him.”

  She shook her head and clicked her tongue. “No, Leo, I never wanted that. I tried to get you to see—”

  “He hurt you!” He wanted to swear but he didn’t want to upset his mother any more than she already was. “My father hurt a lot of people. He stole from them and gave the money to his whore.”

  “She was not a whore, don’t call her that. It was your father’s choice to buy her things with other people’s money. Of course he was a fool, but he loved her. You understand that, don’t you?”

  “No!” He let go of her hands. “I don’t. I want to give Alice everything that’s in my power to give her, not borrowed promises.” But she didn’t want it, didn’t want him.

  “See, you do love her.”

  “What?” The conversation had taken a wild leap and left him behind. “What has any of this got to do with her?”

  “You brought her name into it.”

  “I was using her as an example.”

  “No, you weren’t. You love her. Admit it to yourself, then go and fight for her.”

  He stalked back to his mother and took her by the shoulders. She was remarkably small, not tall and willowy like Alice. “She doesn’t want me, Mother. She’s made it perfectly clear.”

  She sighed. “Oh, Leo, you’re not terribly bright when it comes to women.”

  “You’ll get no argument from me on that score.”

  “She loves you too, Son. Any fool can see it. She’s just afraid of what her love will do to you, and what your love for her will do to yourself.”

  He threw up his hands. “Can you not speak in riddles?” He blew out a breath. “Mother, if you don’t believe me, go and speak to Alice yourself. She’ll tell you what she told me—that I meant nothing to her. I was purely a means for her to get the bloody shop she’s always wanted.”

  “When did you promise her the shop?”

  “What do you mean? I promised it to her upon her agreement to help me with Hawkesbury’s business.”

  “So at the very beginning. Before you developed feelings for her. Before you…” She cleared her throat. “Before that night she spent here.”

  “Yes!” He threw up his hands. “Mother, I don’t see—” And then he did see. He saw very clearly, like sunshine after rain. It was so bright it was dazzling. If Alice had only wanted the shop, she never needed to pretend to have affections for him.

  His body felt heavy suddenly, his head numb and filled with wool, but his skin was on fire. His breath hitched, kicking his thoughts forward again. He licked his lips, tried to think it all through, but it was so hard, so confusing.

  “Then…why? I don’t understand. If she had genuine feelings for me, why would she not accept my proposal? Because of my treatment of her? Could she be evening the score? God, I was so awful to her. The things I said…”

  “Oh, my dear boy.” She pressed her hands to the sides of his face and drew him gently down to her level. Her thumbs rubbed his cheeks and she smiled gently at him. “Don’t you see? She is pushing you away because she knows that marrying her will cause you a great deal of hardship. Not for your heart,” she added, letting him go and tapping his chest. “I know it’s what you want with every beat of this. I’m not sure she does though.”

  He straightened. “You think she doesn’t know I…I love her?”

  His mother smiled. “You said yourself you treated her ill. Did you ever tell her you love her?”

  “N-no…”

  “Then you should. Now.”

  “But…she made herself clear.”

  “Tosh! She thinks she’s protecting you from scandal and money difficulties. She thinks you’ll now be free to marry the Finchbrooke girl. Or did you explain what happened after your private audience with the queen?”

  A tiny spark ignited inside him. “I didn’t get a chance.”

  “There, you see. She thinks you still need to wed a wealthy widow.”

  Need. He needed her, Alice, not anybody else. Without her, life was going to be one long, lonely, straight path.

  But what if his mother was wrong and Alice meant everything she said?

  Something inside him shifted, smashing into his heart. He squeezed his eyes shut, squeezed his fists closed, held everything in check.

  His mother’s hand on his cheek sent a jolt th
rough him. “Go to her, Leo.”

  He didn’t need to be told twice.

  Alice went through the motions of mending costumes and keeping the tiring house tidy. Her parents and sisters tiptoed around her at home, and the players did the same at the Rose. Even Roger didn’t make snide remarks. All the activity kept her from crying. In truth, she was all cried out anyway. She’d shed tears all day and night and had no more left.

  The door to the costume storage room where she sat alone opened, but it was only Will looking for a sword. He retrieved the sword from the table then left. Every time the door opened, her heart lifted with hope. Not hope that Leo would walk in and beg her to reconsider. Of course not; that would be foolishness beyond imagining. No, she expected to receive instructions about her shop. That was all. But he sent no word.

  He would soon. He was a man who didn’t back away from responsibility. He’d made that abundantly clear. She hadn’t decided if she would accept it or not though. It seemed wrong when he needed the money himself.

  In the meantime she would be a dutiful daughter and assistant. She would do her work without complaint and try not to think about him. If only she didn’t feel like she was drowning in mud she might enjoy her work again.

  The door opened once more. “What are you looking for now?” she asked without looking up.

  “The woman I love.”

  Alice pricked her thumb with the needle and squeaked. Oh God, she was bleeding all over the cape, and her father would throttle her, not to mention what Roger would do, and Leo was there and she wanted to run to him and cry and cry and cry.

  She remained where she was, her bottom firmly planted on the chair, and didn’t move, didn’t look up, because if she met his gaze she knew she would beg him to take her back.

  He knelt in front of her and she swallowed past the boulder-sized lump in her throat. He gently took her hand and produced a handkerchief from his doublet pocket. He wrapped it around the bleeding thumb and kissed it. The simple gesture sent thrills trickling down her spine. She should remove her thumb, should scurry away from him, far, far away, but she couldn’t. She was caught.