Strains of Silence
Page 32
“Well, this is the day I’m free to join you. Mind if I tag along? I’d love to meet Ki-ki.” He ran a hand through his well-tamed hair and messed it all up. “Check out T-Dawg.”
Kasia felt her whole face smile. “Sure.”
“Listen, you want to ride with me still? I understand if you want to go with your parents, but I just…”
“Let me tell Tatuś.”
Tatuś was a few yards behind her, with his arm around Mama’s waist. She stood, waited for them to reach her. They chatted quietly, whispered in turn. In the middle of the crowd, there were only the two of them.
Maybe one day she would love someone like that.
“Kasiu,” Mama said, “would you like to come home for a night?”
“No thanks. I don’t want to take any time off. I’m riding with Zan, dobrze?”
Her mom looked surprised.
Tatuś didn’t though. “See you at Mahoney’s, Curly-Q.”
~*~
Lunch flew by, and Kasia found it easier to breathe. So much of the weight she’d been under was gone. And homework club was a new experience. Not only were Zan and Kyle there, but A.J. and Jayce too.
Kyle found a moment between groups. “I’m sorry you’ve had to go through all this. I had no idea it was so bad.”
“That’s on me. You tried. I didn’t open up.”
“We missed you at small group last night. Jayce said you needed to decompress.”
“Yeah.” Talk about an understatement.
“Hey, listen. I know I gave you a hard time about Zan, but—he’s a good guy. You should invite him to small group.”
“I’ll let him know you suggested it. And…I think I’m ready to play for worship with you guys.”
“Serious? Kasia, that’s—I’m—that’s good to hear. Come a little early next week, and we’ll practice. And”—he toed a pinecone, shoved his hands in his pockets—“do you think—how would you feel if I called Lena? Took her to a few concerts.”
“I’m fairly certain she’d love it.”
The bus hissed to a stop outside. As the elementary schoolers crowded in, Ki-ki sidled up to her. “You doin’ good?”
“What?” Kasia asked with a wink. “I thought it was my job to ask you how you are.” She tugged on a tiny braid.
“Mom said we s’posed to pray for you today. I didn’t know if you was going to come.”
Kasia knelt down. “I’m here, and better than I have been in a long time. Because of those prayers.”
Ki-ki hugged Kasia around her neck. “Who’s this new guy?” Ki-ki eyed Zan as she turned toward a table full of her friends.
“A friend of mine. Everybody calls him Zan.”
“He must be the one Mom was talking ’bout last week.”
“Why do you think that?” Kasia asked.
Ki-ki flashed her nine-year-old smirk. “’Cause he’s fine.”
Kasia chuckled. “He’s a little old for you though.”
“That’s cool. Mom says he only looks at you.” Without another thought, Ki-ki pulled her homework out of her bag and got to business.
Kasia stood there, speechless.
“Miss Kasia, can I get some help with this?” Dominic called. Kasia rushed to his side to fill her mind with something else.
Anything else.
It worked for about five minutes, until she noticed Zan on the floor beside Leland, a quiet little boy who refused to join a table group.
Leland worked in silence, his lower lip a mile out. Zan got up, walked away. In a flash, he returned with his own backpack. He pulled out a sketchpad and pencil, leaned back against the wall next to the boy. He said nothing but drew quietly.
Kasia smiled as Leland cut his gaze over toward Zan’s pad, watched.
She helped Mallory with simple predicates and peeked back. Leland was on his knees beside Zan, pointing at a detail on the paper.
Zan’s smile was incredible, with those deep dimples. He said something to Leland, and they chuckled. A minute later, Leland had his notebook back in hand. Zan had earned the right to help.
During break time, Leland told T-Dawg about the drawing, and T-Dawg filled in everybody else. A bunch of boys snatched the sketchpad and piled on the floor to flip through it.
“Aw, cool! Check this out.” They oohed and aahed about cartoons, caricatures, several sketches of a dog.
Leland shuffled over to where Zan stood at the edge of the little mob and tugged on his sleeve. “What kind of dog is that?”
“It’s my old retriever. Shoeless.”
“Oh.”
“This is just writing,” T-Dawg said. “Bo-ring. Turn the page.”
“Whatcha write about, Zan?” Leland asked.
“Oh, nothing big. Someone who inspires me.”
Jayce stepped close to Zan. “That’s not the one you have the picture—”
“You know what? Let me see that, y’all.” Zan reached out for the pad, but T-Dawg would have none of it.
“Oh, man!” T-Dawg blew a silent whistle. “That looks just like Miss Kasia.”
Kasia watched, wondered. Was Zan blushing?
“Nah. Can I get—?” Zan stepped into the center of the crowd. “All right. Takin’ it back.” He tugged the sketchbook from T-Dawg’s clutches and bagged it. “Glad y’all liked it.”
“Make sure you throw away your trash and push your chairs in, guys!” she called. Kids got up and cleaned their places, packed to leave. Zan left with Leland, while Jayce helped Kasia wipe the tables.
“You know anything about that sketchpad?” Kasia asked him.
“Sure I do. But I know a guy who could tell ya better.”
~*~
When Kasia stepped out of the clubhouse, Zan tossed Leland the ball one last time. “You’re good, little man,” Zan said. “How ’bout I bring my glove Thursday, and we throw some more?”
“Cool.”
Zan walked backward toward the lot, kept one eye on Kasia. “See you, Leland.” Who cared if Kyle had every day but Tuesday covered? Zan wanted to be there.
Kasia walked toward him, her eyes full of questions.
“So, I know you’re not technically in danger anymore,” he said, “but how about I still walk you to class?”
“Do you mind?”
How could his heart beat so loud and Kasia not hear it? “Of course I don’t mind.” They walked side by side, and Zan fingered an old gum wrapper in his pocket. “So I’m not fired?”
“What?” Her face was half curiosity, half laughter.
“Jayce and I as bodyguards. You’re not going to lay us off now, blame it on cutbacks?”
She smiled. “I’ll keep you on retainer. I like you around.” She reached for the crook of his arm and rested her hand on his forearm. Even with the coat as a barrier, her touch made him shiver.
“That’s good. ’Cause I don’t want to disappear,” he said.
“I’d love to see some of those drawings.”
He laughed. Embrace it, man. “Yeah, I know what you want to look at.”
She shrugged, grinned. “So?”
“I’ll show you the picture, but not what I wrote. Not yet.”
“Hm. All right. I can respect that.”
The air smelled like snow, and the sky was a pale gray. Zan breathed it in deeply, wondered where they’d go from here.
He rubbed his hands together and pulled his skullcap out of his pocket. “Let’s get some hot chocolate and muffins.”
45
Kasia couldn’t wait any longer. This was how she wanted to end the night. She tugged Zan’s hand and led him to the chair in the den. A.J. and Jayce were on the couch. Their movie had just ended.
“What’s up?” Jayce pointed the remote and turned off the TV.
“I want to play something for you guys.”
Zan’s face lit up. Why in the world she was playing her first song in front of that smile that made her giddy, she didn’t know. But she sure was.
She wanted him to hear it. Wheth
er or not he knew how momentous this was to her.
A.J. straightened up. “Coffeehouse style. We’ve already got all these candles lit. It’s perfect.”
It was. Semi-darkness was good for ambience and hiding.
But knowing who was in the darkness with her meant the most.
Kasia sat on the floor, wearing her fuzzy slippers and Tatuś’s hoodie. Every little bit of comfort helped.
Her fingers picked the intro, finally at home on the guitar. Jayce’s thumb drew her attention, tapping to the beat as she played.
But her stomach trembled a little. What would they all think?
No time to wonder anymore. God, this is for You anyway. She wet her lips, and she sang, soft and attentive.
Here I am again, even smaller than before
Bent beneath the weight of all my shame
I am brittle. I am broken, numb to the core
These thorns won’t go away,
I am only weak, let me hide and wait.
I can’t take another storm.
Jayce’s hand had stilled. A.J.’s mouth quirked in a sad smile. Kasia couldn’t look at Zan just yet.
I try to find the words as I grieve for all that’s lost
Heartache robs my breath, a stabbing pain
I am empty, I am spent, now I feel the cost
Strains of silence are all that remain
So long she’d felt this. Keeping the truth pent up had nearly broken her for good. Fear of honesty, of speaking the truth out loud had caused its own damage. But God hadn’t left her to suffer it.
She peeked up at Zan and caught him glancing over at Jayce. Jayce shook his head. When he turned back, their eyes met, and she almost couldn’t handle his compassion. Gaze back down, she kept an eye on the chords. This was the moment everything transitioned anyway.
But in my weak and frightened state,
Your strong love lifts me up
She picked up the tempo. When God lifted her, the melody of her whole life had changed.
Out of the pit into the open where I can stand again
My feet on a rock,
My eyes locked on Yours
You pull me from where I’ve been
You redeem my life, I cling to You
And I let go of my shame
Fill my heart to reflect your beauty.
I am yours, You are Life, so I breathe in.
Kasia’s fingers moved quickly as she changed key. She closed her eyes, felt the truth of the words. She basked in the certainty of them and hoped Zan would too. The third verse was her favorite, her redemption song.
Face to face with You, I finally speak the truth
You lavish me with grace, and I am free
You are steadfast, You are peace, You offer me release
Infused with Your strength, I am renewed
Her voice broke as genuine gratefulness overwhelmed her, and she bent her head. Humbled. So humbled. A tear slipped down her cheek, and she played a few extra measures while she tried to rein in the emotion.
When she was steady enough to sing, she did—but softly. Not hesitant, just meek.
Joy restored and rooted deep, I stand tall
I bloom and thrive in You
The words filled her with strength, just not her own. The way she preferred to sing. To live. To do anything anymore. In the strength of her Savior.
Out of the pit into the open where I can stand again
My feet on a rock, My eyes locked on yours
You pull me from where I’ve been
You redeem my life, I cling to You
And I let go of my shame
Fill my heart to reflect your beauty.
I am yours, You are Life, so I breathe in.
Deep breath. Her redemption song needed to end well. Because it was honestly a new beginning.
Fill my lungs to sing a new melody
I am Yours, you are Love, so I breathe in.
Fill my life to overflowing
I am new, you are Lord, so I begin
~*~
Kasia’s voice had cut right through Zan. He wasn’t sure what was more right—her hands on that guitar, her voice, her words. Ah, but his chest ached from her pain. He pressed the heel of his hand hard against his heart.
And then he realized he wanted to feel it with her, hurt with her, find whatever peace she was finding—with her.
Jayce got up and pulled Kasia to her feet. He hugged her, and A.J. joined them. Zan sat there in the silence. He wished the impromptu concert would last hours more. And yet that song, that transformation had been enough for the whole night.
And it was late.
He got up and put on his jacket, quiet.
Kasia came to stand beside him. He stood and wrapped his arms tight around her. When she rested her head in the dip of his shoulder, he wanted to keep her there.
He sat his chin on the top of her head. “Your song was…so beautiful. The beginning was hard, but I get it.”
“The end kind of makes the beginning easier to sing,” she said.
Just kind of. “Oh, hey. I um…I have something for you.” He reached into the inner pocket of his coat and pulled out his sister’s letter.
“What’s this?”
“It’s from Bailey. I have no idea what I’m handing you except encouragement.”
“I could use some of that.”
“Perfect.” He squeezed her tighter and stepped back. “I’m going to go, Kasia. I’ve…um…got a lot to think about. Your song just—”
She looked into his eyes, and his heart constricted. Her eyes plumbed his, and he didn’t know what he was searching for, but he hoped she’d find it.
“I need to just sit with Jesus for a while anyway. See you tomorrow?”
“No doubt.”
~*~
Kasia felt full, whole, and hopeful as she walked down the hall. She closed her bedroom door with her foot and opened Bailey’s letter.
I realize you don’t know me, but I’ve been somewhere similar.
Kasia sat on her bed.
I can tell you, when you look into the darkness and start turning over rocks, you’ll uncover some things that you might want to keep hidden. You might want to flip those rocks back over and run. But don’t. Expose those painful and dirty things to Christ. It’s worth it.
No matter how long and arduous the journey, follow it through.
And the Lord will guide you continually and satisfy your desire in scorched places and make your bones strong; and you shall be like a watered garden, like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail. —Isaiah 58:11
Praying for you,
Bailey
Kasia flopped back on her pillow and switched off her lamp. She covered herself with Tatuś’s college blanket and thought about all that lay ahead. She wanted to sit with Busia for a while. She glanced at the clock. 9:17. Late. But Busia had always, always told her to call whenever she needed to talk. Tonight of all nights, Busia would understand. She dialed Busia.
“Słucham. Hello.”
“Busia? It’s Kasia.”
“Cześć, Kasiu. Nie śpisz?”
“Not sleeping yet. Did I wake you?”
“It’s nothing, you know that. How are you after your long day?”
“All right, I guess. I think I’ve decided to see a counselor at my church.”
“Ah. Wise choice, kochanie.”
“I’m nervous about it though. The whole thing will be really tough.”
“What was it you told us about the stars in Peru, Kasiu?”
“There were so many more than I thought.”
“Gdzie? Right in the city?”
“No, ma’am. The further up we drove into the mountains, the more I saw.”
“Your next few months will be like that, I think.”
“What do you mean?”
“Driving out into the wilderness, yes? Away from what is familiar and comfortable to you. But you remember this, girl. The deeper your darkness, the brighter the s
tars.”
“Kocham cię, Busiu. God must’ve made me call you.”
Busia chuckled. “I love you too, dear. I’m glad you listened to Him.”
“Good night.”
“Dobranoc, kochanie. Come see me soon.”
“For sure.” Kasia turned off her phone and rolled over. If it meant brighter stars, she would follow God into the darkness.
46
Zan took a swig of his strong, sugary coffee and glanced at Kasia again. They were tucked into their regular booth in the back corner of Pete’s.
He loved that they shared a routine.
Tonight his heart and mind were full of questions. About Bailey, about his father. About the future.
He checked his watch, wondered if he had time for a coffee refill, and her gaze met his for the twentieth time. What was she thinking? He searched her eyes for any clue to the mystery. She didn’t look away this time, just chewed the edge of her lip and smiled.
Her genuine smile was so different from the smiles of others he’d enjoyed over the years—the ones that were coy, flirtatious, entirely too overt. For all God had done to get his attention, he was deeply thankful.
But a tinge of regret nagged at him.
All those kisses he’d wasted on girls who meant nothing to him. Too many.
But Kasia.
To kiss her would be to anchor himself to something solid, to know something real. That kiss might never happen, but he’d never settle for less again.
Her phone buzzed on the table. “Hey, Tatusiu.”
Zan studied her face as she spoke to Pastor Bernolak. Sheer adoration.
There was a father who knew how to make his kids feel championed.
“Yes! Zan’s right here. I’ll tell him. I love you too.”
She grinned and nodded. “Dobranoc.”
That had become one of his favorite words. She’d started whispering that into their nightly hug a few weeks before. Good night.
“Blake pled guilty at the criminal trial. There was no point in fighting it, I guess. Mrs. Johansen submitted a pile of evidence.”
“Let’s not forget his own idiotic comments on the official hearing report.”
She beamed. “Case closed.”
He knew that didn’t mean dealing with it all was over. She had a long way to go yet—sort of infinite, Bailey said. But she’d keep on, he was sure of it.