Dysfunctional Affair

by James, Hadena

  “You guys are screwed then, because she got the looks too,” Zeke added helpfully. Devlin gave him a shove, the chair tipped and then flipped, spilling Zeke onto the floor. They both laughed.

  “When you guys are done bonding, I think we should get a move on, I don’t know how long it will take to get there.”

  “Don’t you want to hear our security plan?” Vladik asked.

  “Nope, I’m sure that whatever you’ve drawn up will work wonderfully on paper. However, this is my life and nothing goes according to the plans.” I slid the shoulder holster on, covering it with a light weight shirt. You could just barely see the outline of the Berettas if you looked closely. It would do. Everyone else stood up as well.

  “Where are you going?” I asked.

  “With you. He said you were allowed two escorts, Vladik and Zeke are escorting you. We’re just going to follow the Hummer with a tracking device. We’ll be a little less than a mile from you.” Liam smiled.

  “Um, what car are you taking?” I frowned. I only had one other car and no one else had a car here. Was I willing to let my brothers drive my pride and joy?

  “The Charger.” Liam took the keys off the table.

  “If you put even a microscopic scratch on it, I’ll skin you alive, is that understood?” I narrowed my eyes.

  “If that’s your mean face, you need to practice it more. Maybe stand in front of a mirror and work on it for like fifteen minutes a day or something,” Ivan patted my shoulder, walking past me into the garage. I threw my hands into the air, it was no use.

  Chapter Seventeen

  “Are you sure this is the right address?” I asked Vladik as he pulled up in front of a cemetery.

  “Well, it’s the address you gave me.”

  “That’s creepy. I’m not sure I can go into a cemetery, it’s almost dark.” The sun was starting to set, streetlights had already started popping on.

  “If you don’t want to do this, we’ll figure something else out,” Vladik’s voice sounded concerned. For a moment I was touched, my brothers did care.

  “Uh, cemetery, night, crazy guy… running away sounds really good right now.” I pressed my nose against the back window. They had insisted I ride behind them. Sexist jerks.

  “It will be easier to protect you here, it’s outdoors.” Zeke added in an almost cheerful voice.

  “Yeah, from crazy guys maybe, but it’s not him I’m worried about.”

  “My sister is afraid of ghosts.” Vladik sighed, it sounded tired.

  “Shut up,” I slapped the back of his head.

  “Well, you are.” Vladik turned the Hummer off. “She’s been afraid of them since we were kids. Weird thing is, I don’t think she’s ever seen one, she’s just afraid of seeing one.”

  “He’s serious.” Zeke let out a soft whistle.

  “Hey, we all have semi-irrational fears, ghosts happens to be one of mine. Right below maggots.” I shrugged. “Ok, wish me luck.”

  I opened the door and hopped out of the Hummer. My feet echoed off the pavement. Intensifying my fear. Maybe the crazy guy would be willing to move to a new location.

  The gate squeaked as I opened it. Which would have been funny if I hadn’t been ready to pee my pants at the thought of meeting a ghost. A sign fastened to it said they would be locked at dark. Locked in a cemetery with ghosts and crazy people, I thought. It was a really large cemetery. I looked around. Headlights flashed in the distance. Probably the crazy guy, I didn’t think ghosts could operate cars or headlights.

  I walked slowly, carefully towards the car. It was big and black, probably a Cadillac or Buick. My ears were picking up all kinds of noises and I was sure some of them were imaginary.

  “Ms. Daniels,” the voice said stepping from in front of the car.

  “Yep, are you the guy putting up the money or some middle man?” I was determined to get the hell out of here fast. There’s just some places people shouldn’t go at night, this was one of them. Call me old fashioned, superstitious, or weenie, but grave yards at night not good places to be.

  “Money man.”

  “Good, then let’s get this over with. Who’s your sister?”

  “Amanda Reed.”

  “Huh, that’s the woman the guy who kidnapped me this weekend asked about.” I shrugged. “Sorry, I don’t know her.”

  “I don’t believe you.”

  “He said that too.” I hate unoriginality in my bad guys. Maybe they should coordinate scripts or something.

  “Fine, how can I prove to you that I don’t know her?”

  “Find her.” He wasn’t smiling, I tried to memorize his face, but knew it was pointless. I’d forget in about ten seconds.

  “You’ve got the wrong branch of the Chzov family tree. Most of the time I can’t even find both of my shoes in the morning. One time I got up, went downstairs and was half way up my road when I realized I had only put on one sock and shoe. I went home and realized the reason I only had one on was because I’d left the other one on the kitchen counter. Only I can’t figure out why it was in my kitchen, I don’t cook or anything like that.”

  “Ms. Daniels, you’re trying my patience.” He moved closer. I frowned at him.

  “What movie is that line from?” I asked.

  “What?”

  “What movie is that line from?” I asked very slowly and very loudly.

  “I heard what you said, what I want to know is why you would ask.”

  “Because it reminded me of a movie, but I can’t think of the movie name. That’s the other thing I’m not good with. I rent movies and then get half way through it before realizing that I’ve seen it before. Of course, this has it’s good moments. If it’s a good movie, the ending is usually a surpr…”

  “Ms. Daniels, I didn’t come out here to hear your life story.”

  “Oh? Then what did you come out here for? I can’t prove to you that I don’t know Amanda Reed, nothing I say will convince you otherwise. And now that I’ve met you and her crazy husband, I can see why she wanted to disappear. You’re both nuts.” Nadine, don’t bait the crazy guy, I admonished myself.

  “Ms. Daniels, let me persuade you to stay on task.” He raised his hand and I heard a gunshot.

  “That had better not been Zeke or Vladik.”

  “Or what, Ms. Daniels?”

  “What do you think? I’ll have to kill you and that will probably ruin both of our days. I don’t like to kill people and you probably won’t like being dead. I don’t imagine it’s much fun.” He hadn’t disarmed me. Either he thought I wasn’t a threat or he had someone with a gun on my head. Both were mistakes on his part. It would take a sniper a second or two to adjust to a new position to shoot me, by then he’d be dead.

  “Why don’t you go back to your car and find out.” He turned his back on me.

  “Why don’t you just tell me.” I moved quickly, kicking his knee with my boots. Yes, I’m a boot girl, I wear Doc Martens almost all the time. His knee gave a sickening pop as it slipped out of socket. He lost his footing and fell down. No one had shot me yet, so I pulled out my gun, pushing it against the back of his head.

  “In the interest of self-preservation, you should call your goons over and pray that both my guys are all right.”

  “Nadine, what the hell?” It was Vladik somewhere behind me. That was one.

  “Is Zeke with you?”

  “Yeah,” Zeke answered. “Although, Mr. Crazy is going to need to call a medic for one of his employees. Vladik caught him sneaking up on the car and shot him in the arm.”

  “Good,” I clicked the safety back on, tucking the gun away. “

  Ok, here’s the deal. I’ve had a really shitty two weeks, I’ve been kidnapped, almost run over and had one of my employees murdered. On top of that, tonight you’ve done everything possible to piss me off. I’m going to let you stand up,” I thought about it a moment, “or as well as you can. We are going to turn around and walk away. You are going to go to the hospital and ge
t your knee looked at. You’re going to take your goon and get him good medical treatment. When you get out of the hospital, you’re going to go back to whatever you consider a normal life. Should I ever see you again, I’ll have you arrested and if that doesn’t work, I’ll just shoot you. Is that understood?”

  “You should just shoot him, we’d claim it was in self-defense.” Vladik commented.

  “Is that understood?” I asked him again.

  He shook his head yes. For good measure, I kicked him again, this time in the ribs. Vladik grabbed my arm.

  “Your boots will leave bruises. I’d just leave him for Ivan.”

  “And you would know Mr. Aggressive.” I smiled at him, glad he was my brother, glad he was alive. I had a moment of sadness when I entertained the possibility of his death being my fault, then it was gone with Mr. Crazy’s attempts to stand up. I walked away from him.

  A second gun shot rang out. I dove to the ground, Zeke and Vladik dove with me, trying to shield me. We waited several seconds, nothing. We were in plain view if someone wanted to kill us, they could do it even with us lying on the ground. I heard running footsteps.

  “Why’d you kill him?” Devlin stopped next to us. “Why are you cowering on the ground?”

  “Kill who?” I asked, pushing against the weight of Vladik and Zeke. They both gave with some resistance. I looked towards the car. “Oh shit, that’s bad.”

  “Yeah, that’s real bad, Nadine. What you couldn’t rein in that temper?” Liam helped me stand up.

  “I didn’t kill him!” I protested. “Although, it serves him right.”

  My mind flashed on Thomas quickly. I felt a lump form in my throat. I pushed the thought away.

  “Vlad?” Liam turned to face Vladik as he got off the ground.

  “None of us did it.” Vladik frowned.

  “Sure, well if the three of you didn’t do it, who did and why?” Ivan was looking very intently at me.

  “Maybe it’s immoral asshole hunting season.” I frowned at him.

  “Tasteful, Nadine, real tasteful,” Liam rolled his eyes.

  “Hey, you’re just mad that I thought of it first. Would you prefer me to get hysterical? I probably could if I gave it some thought.”

  “No,” Liam sighed. Sirens were getting closer.

  “Great, now I’m going to have four unemployed brothers.”

  “Tell me you have a permit for those?” Ivan walked over to me.

  “Conceal and carry, thank you very much.” I cocked my head sideways, “I’m going to have to fess up to dislocating the guy’s knee. Wonder if that will get me charged with assault?”

  “You don’t really have a complaining witness,” Liam poked the guy’s foot. “I figure there’s at least eight guns between the six of us, should we disarm ourselves now or wait for the police to do it?”

  “Disarm,” Ivan began taking off his holster. “Put them all in a nice neat pile by that tombstone.”

  “Oh no, I’m not going near it. It has blood on it and I’m sure that’s a good way to piss off a ghost.”

  “There’s a dead guy on the ground and you’re worried about ghosts?” Vladik shook his head. “I must have missed the time you got accustomed to dead people but not ghosts.”

  “Lifestyle hazard when you realize you’re connected to the mob and the now defunct KGB.” I shrugged again. I didn’t mind dead things as long as there were no maggots and no disembodied souls around. “Good news is that I doubt I have to try to find his sister now.”

  “Forever the optimist.” Liam took my holster and dropped it with the others. The guns made funny clinking noises as they bounced off each other. There were thirteen total, probably good that I wasn’t that superstitious.

  Chapter Eighteen

  The graveyard was starting to brighten with blue and red revolving lights. It was annoying and was causing me to get a headache. Maybe if I was arrested, people would stop trying to kill me.

  “Weapons on the ground, lie face down with your arms outstretched, palms up.” Someone yelled. We all did as we were told, the palms up thing wasn’t as easy as it sounded, my wrists didn’t want to bend that way.

  “We are unarmed,” Ivan yelled back. “I’m Detective Ivan Daniels with the Independence Police Department.” My brother continued on, listing every person still alive and their affiliations.

  When he got to Vladik, he paused, deciding to just call him a special operative for the government. It sounded very classified and I doubted he knew where Vladik worked either. The joy of government agencies.

  “Ivan?” The voice pronounced the name correctly so I was betting it was someone Ivan knew.

  “Nathan?” Ivan moved to look up. “May we get up off the ground? My sister’s afraid of ghosts, I think she might start panicking when she realizes she’s lying on top of a grave.”

  “Oh fuck,” I leapt from the ground. Sure enough I had been lying face down on top of someone’s grave.

  “Get down!” Someone yelled at me.

  “You’ll just have to shoot me.” I huffed.

  Yep, panic attack on its way. I hobbled from the top of the grave. Found a spot and bent over, placing my head as close to my knees as possible. My heart raced, my lungs ached as they struggled to take in air and my chest felt like an elephant was standing on it. Fear caused a cold sweat and I started to shiver despite the nice weather.

  “Ma’am, do you need a medic?” A woman asked. I waved my hand.

  “No, just give her a minute. Nadine, do you have any rescue medicine with you?” Liam spoke with a gentle tone. I’d been having panic attacks since I was about six. That and migraines were my only physical ailments. The panic attacks were coming less as I aged, but they still hit once in a while, usually when faced with a phobia, no matter how weird. I shook my head. I hadn’t been carrying any for a while now. I focused on my breathing, better that than the fear. If I focused on the fear it would get worse.

  “Deep breathes Nadine,” Vladik touched my hair.

  “Take slow deep breathes.” His touch was soothing, making me feel a little less panicked.

  The fear subsided, slipping away as quickly as it had come. I felt stupid, but better. Vladik continued stroking my hair. I hugged him.

  “You all right?” He asked after a few moments. I let go, looking at him.

  “Better,” I mumbled.

  “Ma’am, are you sure you don’t want a medic?” The woman asked again. I sized her up, definitely a detective. If I said no, I would be forced to answer her questions. If I said yes, I’d be taken to the hospital and then forced to answer her questions. Better to get it over with now.

  “I’m sure.” I stuck my hand out, she shook it. “Ms. Nadine Daniels, sorry about that. Sometimes I have panic attacks.”

  “Not a problem. Are you up to answering some questions?” She eyed my brothers for a moment.

  “Sure, guys go entertain yourselves.” I watched the detective as my brothers walked away. For a brief moment, I felt very alone. It was nice to have them back in town, even if they were underfoot.

  “Can you tell me what happened tonight?” She flipped open a notebook.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name?”

  “Sorry, Detective Jesse Gallagher with the Independence Police Department.”

  “All right, I got a call about two this afternoon from someone who was claiming responsibility for killing one of my security agents. He said he wanted to meet and that he’d continue to kill my agents until I had listened to what he had to say. I agreed to meet him here at 6:30 p.m. He offered to let me bring one brother and one security agent with me. My brother Vladik and agent Zeke Laroche agreed to come with me. My brothers Ivan, Devlin and Liam followed us using a tracking device. When we arrived, I got out and walked into the cemetery. He was waiting for me by his car. We talked for a moment, he told me he was looking for his sister. I told Mr. Almost-headless that I didn’t know his sister and that he was to leave me alone. Then I heard a gunsh
ot. He claimed that he’d just shot either Vladik or Zeke. I kicked him in the knee, dislocating it. At about that time, Vladik and Zeke both showed up and said they’d just been attacked and had shot the attacker in the arm. I again told him to leave me alone and turned around to leave. I had taken two maybe three steps when I heard a second gunshot. I huddled on the ground with Zeke and Vladik waiting to see if another shot was going to be fired. That’s when Liam, Ivan and Devlin showed up and asked why I’d shot Mr. Almost-headless. I told them I hadn’t, so we disarmed ourselves and waited for the police.”

  “Um, I assume Mr. Almost-headless is the victim?” She frowned very hard.

  “Yeah, but I don’t know who he is. Weird thing is, when I was kidnapped over the weekend, the kidnapper kept asking about his wife, Amanda Reed. This guy wanted to know about the same woman.”

  “And you don’t know who she is?”

  “Nope, never heard of her.”

  “Ok, what exactly do you do?”

  “I run a personal security agency. I get contracts from people to guard their houses, persons, businesses, warehouses, etc. I also get security contracts when concerts, sporting events or other big things happen in the area.”

  “And you don’t make people disappear?” She half smiled.

  “Not really. That’s an exaggeration of the truth. If a man or woman shows up and says they need to leave their abusive spouse or something, then I will provide them with escorts. These escorts take them to a shelter. We also provide escorts to and from court in the case of divorce or child custody hearings. Occasionally, that person may want to move from the area. If so, we ensure that they are given an opportunity to start there without the hassles of being broke, friendless and unemployed. We make sure the children get enrolled in schools, the victim gets a job and we will co-sign for things like house or car loans. We work with shelters all over the state to ensure that victims are taken care of and don’t have to worry about being attacked by an estranged husband or wife. We are also usually the last resort. Most of the people I deal with have restraining orders that are constantly violated but the police are unable to catch the violator. I do ask that they keep my business card with my cell phone number in case they are found or if they find someone else who could use my help.” That was the truthful part of it, now for the great big lie.