“Quinn, we’ve spoken twice before tonight. Other than that, you’ve seen me—what—a handful of times in class?” I paused, took a deep breath. “Even if what you’re saying is true,” I continued after exhaling, “it can’t happen … it just can’t.” I shook my head in disapproval and closed my eyes. “I shouldn’t even be here right now—”
“And yet you are,” Quinn interjected.
I opened my eyes to look at him.
“Yes, but only to confirm for myself that this isn’t right—that this isn’t what I want.”
He sighed. “Are you at all interested in me?”
“Whether or not I’m interested in you is irrelevant. I’m not available—”
Quinn didn’t let me finish my sentence. Maybe he didn’t want to hear what I had to say. Or maybe he didn’t trust the words about to come out my mouth. Instead, he pulled me into him. His eyes grew darker, smokier. As he lowered his head towards mine, I pulled back slightly in a pathetic attempt to resist his advances, which only made him draw me in closer. He gently brushed his lips against mine; they felt so warm and soft, I couldn’t refuse them. That was all he needed. He kissed me again, this time more intensely, and a moan escaped his throat. Quinn’s mouth traveled down my neck, and I didn’t even try to stop him. Rather, I instinctively tilted my head backwards, giving him free reign. I heard a gasp, but this time it came from me.
He stopped suddenly. Confused, I lifted my head to find out why. He was smiling triumphantly. He looked so damn arrogant—although I guess he had every right to be. I was the hypocrite. I was the one who was guilty as sin. But right now, I didn’t care.
I pulled him back towards me, kissing him with such fervor I surprised myself. I had never wanted someone so much before. I could feel Quinn’s body pressing into mine, and it made me even more excited. As his hands wandered down my back, his mouth moved down the nape of my neck. He kissed the length of my collarbone, tracing it with his tongue before returning to my mouth. Quinn’s kisses made me quiver. I had goose bumps over every inch of my body. My knees went weak, and I wrapped my arms around Quinn, clutching onto him as if he were my lifeline.
It was as if the rest of the world had melted away. I could no longer hear the song that had so perfectly set the stage for this moment. I could no longer hear anyone’s voices. I didn’t even feel cold anymore. In fact, I felt like a bonfire was blazing inside of me. My head spun out of control while my body was calling all the shots.
Quinn pulled back again only to kiss my lips gently once more. I kept my eyes closed, feeling his breath lingering on my face, still smelling him … tasting him. Even with my eyes closed, I knew he was smiling. I could feel him smiling. My body had betrayed me a third time. He undoubtedly knew I was interested in him. I opened my eyes and looked at him, only to verify what I already knew to be true.
I could’ve been embarrassed, and maybe I should’ve been. After all, I was the one who only moments ago had told Quinn that this—that we—couldn’t happen. But I wasn’t embarrassed. His eyes, his words, and his body had also given away a lot. He was interested in me too.
“Evie,” Quinn managed in a hoarse whisper. I buried my face in his chest, and I could feel his heartbeat pounding loudly against my cheek.
“I know,” I whispered, still dazed and swept up in what had just happened. There was something more going on than just this intense kiss we’d shared. Talking to Quinn, being with him—it was all so effortless, so natural. It felt so strange and so normal at the same time. I couldn’t begin to explain it even if I wanted to.
My cell phone buzzed in my back pocket. Ryan! Oh crap! Reality hit me hard, and my heart seized with a sharp pain like someone—correction, like I—had just stuck a knife into my chest. I gasped, feeling overwhelmed with guilt. Nausea consumed me, and I couldn’t catch my breath. I felt like I was going to be sick. Utterly disgusted with myself, I ripped myself away from Quinn. I had failed the test—my test—miserably.
“I’m … I’m sorry … I have to leave.” I couldn’t even look at Quinn. I took a few steps backwards, turned around, and ran back inside.
“Evie! Wait! Please!” I could hear Quinn shout.
I didn’t dare look back.
3. A Guilty Conscience
I was awoken by the sunlight pouring through my dorm windows. I had no idea what time it was nor did I care. I lay in bed for a few minutes wondering if last night was all a dream. I put on my glasses and scanned my room only to see the clothes I’d worn last night draped over my desk chair. Nope, no chance it was a dream. I saw my cell phone sitting on my desk. I hadn’t had the nerve to check my voice mail last night when I’d returned home.
I walked over and picked up my phone to check my messages. Crap. Ryan had not only called me last night while I was with Quinn, but he’d texted me too:
“LUV U. MISS U. SWEET DREAMS ANGEL.”
I read the words on the screen and my stomach immediately twisted itself into knots. Tears sprung into my eyes as I reluctantly checked my voice mail.
“Hey, angel,” Ryan said sweetly. “It’s me. Got your voice mails—so sorry I didn’t call you back sooner. I got caught up studying for an exam I had this afternoon. Hey, are you okay? You sounded upset. I hope everything’s all right. I’m worried about you … Man, it sucks being so far away from you. I’d feel a lot better if I could see you—know that you’re all right. Call me when you get home—no matter what time. Love you. Miss you.”
“That’s great. That’s just perfect,” I squeaked as tears streamed down my cheeks. The back of my throat and lungs burned with the pain that was overflowing from my heart. I tossed my phone back onto my desk and fell back into bed. I couldn’t call Ryan right now; I felt too ashamed.
A month ago, Ryan and I were spending our winter breaks happily together in Michigan, but I hadn’t seen him since. And, up until last night, I had been faithful to Ryan the entire two years we were together. Honesty, loyalty, and fidelity were of the utmost importance to me—or at least they used to be. I would’ve rather broken up with Ryan than betray him by cheating, and I knew he felt the same way. It had been simple: Ryan was in love with me, and I with him. We respected each other. I trusted him completely … obviously more than he should have trusted me.
What a stupid idea it had been to test my relationship with him. I flipped over on my back and slammed my fists into the mattress. I didn’t even try to resist Quinn last night. I wanted him to kiss me! My stomach churned again with self-loathing nausea. If I’d been honest with myself from the get-go, I would’ve admitted that I had wanted him to kiss me since the first day we met—probably since the first day I saw him in class. And last night he did. He kissed me, and it was amazing. It was wrong, but it was still amazing.
I couldn’t understand how I could feel so comfortable with Quinn. I barely knew the guy and here I was telling him things about me that I would never tell anyone. I mean, did I really admit to him that my daily wardrobe was decided in large part by what I found on my dorm room floor? Nice going, Evie. Really nice.
And even more disturbing, I had been about to reveal something to Quinn that I hadn’t revealed to anyone. What in the world would possess me to open my mouth about how much time I thought I had or didn’t have left? It was crazy enough that I’d driven close to a hundred miles to see Madame Sasha, but to actually breathe a word to anyone about what she’d said made me sound completely certifiable. I clearly hadn’t been thinking straight last night.
And what was Quinn’s deal anyway? Why would he still want to kiss me after I told him I had a boyfriend? And why did I give in to him without a fight? The only reasonable explanation I could come up with was that Quinn was gorgeous and charismatic, and I was weak. I had fallen for his charms. I had made a mistake.
Now I feared that last night would change everything between Ryan and me. I didn’t know what to do. At the moment, all I knew was that I missed Ryan more than ever.
Lisa barged through the door, and I quic
kly wiped my tears away. She was in her robe, hair wrapped up in a towel, shower caddy in hand.
“Good morning, sleepyhead,” she said cheerfully. “I had to take a shower first thing when I woke up. I can’t stand the smell of frat party in the morning.” She smiled at me, hoping that I would partake in the morning pleasantries, but I didn’t. She shrugged it off and walked over to her closet to find something to wear.
“So what happened to you last night?” she asked. “One minute you were in the party room and the next, that totally hot guy was leading you off somewhere.” Lisa peered around her closet door, her eyebrows raised and her eyes burning with curiosity.
“Nothing. I … Ryan called … and I left.” I was fumbling my words so miserably; I knew I wasn’t fooling Lisa.
“You hooked up with him, didn’t you?” Lisa exclaimed excitedly as she leaped onto my bed. “Details! I want details!”
“Lisa, it wasn’t like that—really.” I couldn’t even look her in the face.
“You are so busted, Evie Sanders!” Lisa squealed, bouncing up and down on my mattress. “I know you too well. You can’t hide something like this from me, so don’t even try.”
I knew she’d get the truth out of me sooner or later. I looked her in the eyes and sighed.
“Fine,” I began. “We kissed. That’s all that happened. But Ryan called during it, and I totally freaked and ran out of there. Happy now?”
“Well, that’s not exactly what I would call details.” The disappointment in Lisa’s voice was palpable.
“Lisa!” I shoved her with my hand, jokingly. “C’mon, I’ve got a serious mess on my hands here.”
“Not necessarily,” Lisa said as she repositioned herself beside me.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, do you like this guy? What’s his name again?”
“Quinn.”
“Quinn. Right. Do you like him?”
“I can’t like him. I’m with Ryan.”
“Evie, I’m not asking if you could like him, I’m asking if you do.”
Leave it to Lisa to call me out for dodging her question. I thought about her question for a moment. It reminded me of Quinn’s right before he kissed me.
“Last night, Quinn asked me if I was interested in him.”
“And?” Lisa asked in anticipation.
“I told him that his question was irrelevant because I have a boyfriend.”
“And what’d he do?”
“He kissed me anyway.”
“And?” Lisa was literally on the edge of her seat.
“And I kissed him back,” I responded hesitantly. I looked up at Lisa, who was wide-eyed, clenching her teeth, and miming a strangle hold around my neck. Despite my particularly glum mood, I had to laugh. I was having fun stringing Lisa along about last night. I sighed and paused melodramatically.
“Good Lord!” Lisa exclaimed. “This is like pulling teeth! And?”
“And … it was pretty amazing,” I confessed.
“I knew it!” Lisa shoved me so hard that I fell over onto my side, laughing. “So you are interested in Quinn.”
“I don’t know, Lisa. Maybe that’s all last night was supposed to be—a perfect kiss—never to be repeated so it can never be spoiled.” I replayed the kiss in my mind, and a shiver rippled through me from head to toe.
“Besides,” I continued, trying to rationalize last night, “I barely know Quinn. I just met him a few days ago and that’s hardly enough time to justify throwing away two years with Ryan.”
“Look,” she began. “I can’t tell you what to do. But it seems to me that if you’re sure that last night was just one perfect little kiss, and if you’re sure that it won’t ever happen again, then I wouldn’t worry about it. And I certainly wouldn’t tell Ryan. If you’re sure, then it was just an innocent mistake.
“But,” Lisa went on, “if last night wasn’t so innocent, and this Quinn guy does interest you, then that’s a completely different story. Evie, if you like this guy, you’re gonna end up making another pretty amazing mistake.” Lisa flashed me a wicked grin.
“What—you don’t think I can control myself?”
“Oh, like you did last night? Come on! Don’t you have to see this guy like two to three times every week for the rest of the semester? Not to mention that you told him you had a boyfriend, and he pursued you anyway. Do you really believe he’s just going to give up now that you kissed him? Trust me, if you are the slightest bit interested in this guy, you’ll end up kissing him again—or doing something else.”
I looked down at my fingers and watched as they nervously fidgeted like they had minds of their own. I flashed back to Quinn taking my hand in his last night and felt the energy surge though my fingertips again. I shook my left hand a little.
“Crap.” I looked up at Lisa. “I can’t get last night out of my head.”
“Good!” she said excitedly. “Then you can tell me every last detail! How did it happen?”
“Lisa!”
“I know, I know.” Lisa looked disappointed again. “Back to the issue at hand—what are you going to do about Ryan?”
“I’m not sure. I have to think about it.” Actually, I knew what I should do—I should tell Ryan what happened, beg him for his forgiveness, and prepare myself to let the chips fall where they may. I just wasn’t ready to say it out loud yet. It would make it all too real, and I wasn’t ready to be slapped with any more reality this morning.
“You should take time to mull it over. It’s not every day that you have to choose between Ryan and the hottest guy on campus.” Lisa winked at me in jest, but it didn’t make me feel any better. “But in the meantime, my dear, spill it. I want the unabridged version.”
“You’re relentless!” I laughed. I knew Lisa wouldn’t give up until her curiosity was satisfied. But living with her had also taught me that I could confide in her; she wasn’t a gossip. So I would give in and feed her curiosity—not all of it, but enough of it—and hope she’d stop asking me questions.
“At least let me get something to eat first!” I insisted.
“Absolutely.” A wide smile spread across Lisa’s face.
* * *
I managed to avoid Ryan’s phone calls all Saturday and Sunday. From his voice mails I knew he was still worried about me, and it only made me feel worse.
Ryan liked to work out in the morning, so I called him early Monday. The call went straight to voice mail and, for once, I was relieved I couldn’t reach him. Trying to sound as calm and collected as possible, I left him a message saying I was sick all weekend and slept most of it away. I added that he shouldn’t worry about me and that I’d call him again when I was feeling better. My heart ached; I hated lying to Ryan. In fact, I could only recall one other occasion in which I’d hidden the truth from him outright … my visit to Madame Sasha.
I ditched my psych class on Monday. I couldn’t handle seeing Quinn. I didn’t know what to say to him. I wanted to forget the whole evening ever happened. I wanted to forget about him, but I wasn’t fooling myself. Quinn was very much stuck in my mind.
On Wednesday, I purposely walked into class late. Professor Swain looked at me disapprovingly, but I didn’t care. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Quinn in his usual seat in back, and I quickly grabbed a seat in the first row. I could feel his eyes on me, burning into me, the entire class. Goose bumps formed on the back of my neck. My chest was pounding so loudly I swore Quinn could hear it from where he was sitting. I tried to pay attention to Swain’s lecture, but it was no use; I didn’t hear one word of it. When class ended, I quickly gathered up my stuff and ran out of the building.
Please don’t follow me. Please don’t follow me, I begged silently. To my relief, Quinn didn’t.
I stepped outside after my bio lab only to discover that any relief I’d felt was to be short-lived. Quinn was waiting for me on the stairs outside of the building. There was no avoiding him now. I tried to take a deep breath, but the cold air felt like sha
rds of glass piercing my lungs. I walked over to him slowly.
“So you mind telling me what that was all about?” Quinn asked.
“What was what all about?” I asked, trying to sound nonchalant.
“You. Not showing up to class on Monday. Showing up late today. Skipping out the second it’s over. Are you avoiding me?”
I knew he wouldn’t like my answer, so I just stood there staring at him.
“Okay, so now you’re not talking to me?” he asked, confused.
“What’s there to talk about?” I countered.
“What’s there to talk about?” He chuckled wryly. “So that’s it, huh? We had this … this … whatever it was on Friday night, and you can just walk away? You can just leave it at that?”
“Yes,” I replied bluntly. I didn’t need Quinn to complicate things even more than he—even more than I—already had. I had to make a clean break with him as soon as possible.
“Why? Because of some other guy? A guy that you obviously have doubts about anyway?”
“That’s not fair,” I snapped angrily. “First of all, Ryan is not just some other guy. We’ve been together for two years. And second, why do you even care how I feel or what I think about him—or anyone else for that matter? You’ve known me for all of one week and you think you have me all figured out? You know, you’re one misguided, arrogant—” I stopped myself from finishing my thought out loud. I couldn’t believe how quickly Quinn could get me worked up. I turned towards the campus bus stop, but he caught me by the arm before I could walk away.
“Let—go—of—me,” I hissed, as I unsuccessfully attempted to wrench my arm free from his grasp.
“Evie, I don’t want to argue with you,” Quinn said apologetically as he loosened his grip. “And I’m not saying that I have you all figured out. But last Friday was more than just some random kiss.” He drew me close enough into him that I could smell the chlorine on his skin. His dark blue eyes were burning into mine, making my insides ache—not out of anger or guilt for cheating on Ryan, but because I wanted Quinn.
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