Borrowed Heart

by Linda Lamberson

  Overwhelmed, I walked over to the edge of the rooftop and ran my fingers across the splintered wood of the railing Peter had broken.

  “I can see you need time to think this through,” he said. “You should think this through; but don’t take too long. The clock is ticking, and your charge is waiting for you.” With that Peter phased out of view.

  I just stood there for a while … my mind buzzing. I tried to imagine every possible scenario for Quinn and me—even ones in which we could stay together. Ultimately, however, I knew it would be impossible to continue our relationship. Peter was right. It was only a matter of time before my assignment would be over and I would have to leave Quinn. I knew the sooner I ended things with him, the better it would be for the both of us.

  The only thing left to consider was whether I should take the easy way out and erase Quinn’s memory while he slept or whether I should sit down with him first and try to explain to him why we could no longer be together. I didn’t want to hurt Quinn, but stealing his memories of me—of us—without so much as an explanation didn’t seem right either. I felt like I owed him more than that—he deserved to hear why I had to go. And, selfishly, I wanted to say good-bye. Besides, if he handled it okay, then maybe I wouldn’t have to erase his memory at all. If, on the other hand, he didn’t take the news well, I could always erase his mind after the fact.

  I thought for a moment of what it would be like if Quinn suddenly had no memory of me from this summer—of what it would be like for me alone to have memories of us. I forced a laugh as sadness swept over me. This must have been how Quinn felt all along.

  I looked up at the stars and took a long, deep breath. Never in my wildest dreams could I have imagined this day—the day that marked our one-month anniversary—would be the last day Quinn and I would spend together.

  30. Breaking Up Sucks

  I found Quinn asleep on the right side of the bed, his side, with the lights on and an open book across his chest. I’m sure he had tried to wait up for me. I wanted to crawl into bed and lay there with him one last time, but I didn’t dare. I knew it would only make tomorrow more difficult than it was already going to be.

  I walked into the living area, grabbed Quinn’s laptop, my earphones, and a couple of magazines. I wanted to lose myself—distract myself with anything that would help me forget about my own problems for the time being.

  That’s when I saw the piece of paper on the seat of my chair. It was a note from Quinn:

  E – Glad you’re home safe and sound. I just wanted to wish you Happy Anniversary once more. Don’t stay up all night listening to music and reading Hollywood gossip. Come to bed—our bed … and feel free to wake me. All my love – Q

  “All my love,” I whispered aloud. My throat burned and my head began to throb again. I felt like my world was spinning out of control. How was I going to find the strength to break up with Quinn? I began to wonder if I shouldn’t just erase his memory tonight while he slept. I quickly shoved the thought aside—I wanted him to see me, to remember me, one more time.

  * * *

  It was the first time Quinn woke up without me visibly there in his apartment since I had intentionally revealed myself to him. I wasn’t ready to face him just yet. I knew that the look on my face would instantly tip him off that something wasn’t right, and I didn’t want him to worry all day while at work, so I wrote him a note on the backside of his and left it in the same place. Quinn walked out his bedroom, looked for me in my chair, and saw the note instead.

  “Evie?” Quinn called out. “Evie, are you here?”

  I remained silent—an invisible ghost. Quinn picked up my note and read it.

  Quinn, sorry. I returned later than expected, and you were sleeping so peacefully I couldn't bring myself to wake you. I’ll be back by the time you return from work. Oh, and thanks for being my guardian angel last night. All my love, Evie

  Quinn looked around the living area one more time to see if I was there. Then he just shrugged his shoulders, tossed the note on the nearby shelf, and got ready for work.

  * * *

  I was perched in my chair by the time Quinn unlocked his front door. I took a few deep breaths, trying to calm the butterflies in my stomach, but they were fluttering around at a maddening pace. I didn’t think it was possible for me to be any more nervous than I was at that moment.

  “Hey,” Quinn said, smiling as he walked through the door, “I missed you this morning. Where did you go?” He put his bag down and emptied his pockets onto the kitchen counter. Then he walked over to me and kissed me on the cheek before going into his bedroom to change.

  “Nowhere special,” I replied, trying to sound relaxed. I took a few more deep breaths.

  I would have given anything not to have to go through with what I was about to do. I wanted to run into Quinn’s arms. I wanted to tell him that I’d found a way for us to be together always, but that would be a lie.

  “Oh, hey,” Quinn shouted from his bedroom, “before I forget, someone from the office said there’s some special on the Discovery Channel tonight about super cells and tornadoes.”

  “Oh, cool. Thanks,” I replied. My anxiety level was now bordering on full-blown panic proportions.

  “So did you find out what happened last night?”

  “Yeah,” I mumbled.

  “And?”

  “And it was yet another attempt on your life,” I blurted out.

  “Really?” he asked as he walked out of his room and into the kitchen. “So who were those two guys? Why are they after me?”

  “Two very good questions without good answers at this point,” I replied. “But, needless to say, I have managed to complicate matters even more.” I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. This was it—it was now or never.

  “Um, Quinn … we need to talk.”

  “Uh oh,” he said as he sat down on the couch with a bottle of water. “Nothing good has ever come from a girl telling a guy ‘we need to talk.’” Quinn was joking until he saw the look on my face. “And I see that this time will be no different … What’s going on, Evie?”

  “Quinn, the limo from last night … there’s a good chance it was after me—not you,” I told him.

  “What do you mean? You just said last night was an attempt on my life,” he said, confused.

  “It ended up being an attack on both of us. Whoever wants to harm you has figured out that I’m here and, more importantly, why I’m here. It seems our little outings have stirred the pot some, and now they want me out of the way so that you’ll be an easier target.”

  “No joke?” Quinn asked.

  “No joke.”

  “Well, what do we do?” His voice was so full of concern I would have smiled under different circumstances.

  “We don’t do anything … I do.” I paused and took another breath. I fought the ache that was creeping up into the back of my throat. “Quinn … I have to leave.”

  “You have to what?” he exclaimed. “No,” Quinn said, shaking his head from side to side. “No way. I’m not losing you twice, Evie.” Quinn jumped off the couch and crouched down in front of me. He grabbed both my hands. “There has to be another answer—another way.”

  “I’ve been racking my brain all night and all day to find one, but there isn’t.”

  “Then you didn’t think of everything.” Quinn stood up and began pacing, running his hands through his hair. “I refuse to believe that we can’t stop whatever is going on together.”

  “Quinn, it’s not that simple—”

  “The hell it isn’t!” He was all worked up. “I want to be with you, and you want to be with me. It doesn’t get any more simple than that!”

  “You don’t understand,” I told him. “It has to be this way. Eventually, it will be this way, regardless of what either you or I want.”

  “So this is what you want.” Quinn challenged me. “You want to leave.”

  “What I want is of no consequence.”

  “You didn�
�t answer my question,” he pressed.

  “No! Of course I don’t want to leave! How can you ask me such a ridiculous question?” I exclaimed angrily. “Quinn … I love you. I will always love you. But at the end of the day, it’s not enough. My leaving is the only way to protect you.

  “I mean, what did you think would happen eventually?” I continued. “You think that we can just go on playing house forever in some apartment you subleased for the summer in some city you don’t even live in. None of this is real,” I explained as I held my hands out and looked around his place.

  “Tell me, Quinn, what happens when you go back to IU? We couldn’t ever be able to go anywhere together again—not in a town I used to live in. I mean, what in the world are you going to tell your roommates when they think you’re talking to yourself in the middle of the night?”

  “We’ll figure it out,” he said, his eyes pleading with me to change my mind.

  “For how long?” I shot back.

  “For as long as we have to. For forever if we need to.”

  “It doesn’t work that way,” I said, flustered. “I don’t get to stay forever. You don’t understand … we’re living out some fantasy that was doomed from the start. When my assignment is over, when I know you’re safe, I have to leave. I’ll be transferred to a new case … a new charge … I’ll be reassigned to watch over another human. I will spend every minute of every day guarding that human’s life.”

  Quinn cringed, like he had just pictured me with another man.

  “Well … when will that be?” Quinn spit out, flustered.

  “Sooner than you think.”

  “Fine, I’ll take whatever time with you I can get.”

  “Quinn, do you even hear yourself? It’s insane for you to choose me over any living, breathing human. I can’t ask you to make that kind of sacrifice.”

  “You’re not a sacrifice, Evie.”

  “You say that now, but there is no future with me,” I replied. “If I stay, you’ll only get more hurt.”

  “So that’s it, then?” Quinn asked in disgusted disbelief. “You can just walk away … just like that … and leave me in the hands of someone else who has come to take your place?”

  “It won’t be quite like that,” I responded.

  “What will it be like then, Evie? Don’t you think I have a right to know? I mean, you are talking about my life—right?” He was infuriated. “Or are you not allowed to tell me that either?”

  “I will still protect you … just not in the same way. You won’t see me anymore. You won’t hear me. You won’t be able to—”

  “To what? Talk to you? Touch you?” Quinn blurted out.

  I just stared at Quinn silently.

  “Well, that’s absolute crap! I don’t believe for one damn minute that you’re okay with this!”

  “I have to be okay with it—we have to be okay with it,” I said.

  “We,” Quinn sneered. “Well, I’m so glad I was consulted on any of this.” He laughed contemptuously. “I’m so glad this wasn’t just some decision made on my behalf.” He slammed his fist into the kitchen counter, and I flinched. Then he just stood there with his back to me.

  “Evie, do I really have no say in what happens?” His voice had softened. “What about what I want? What I need?”

  “Quinn, this decision is based solely on what you need. This is about saving your life.”

  “Yeah, well, maybe my life isn’t worth saving if I can’t be with you,” he said flippantly.

  “I know you didn’t mean that, Quinn. Don’t ever say anything like that,” I said in a reprimanding tone.

  “You just told me that the best thing in my life is going to be taken away from me—again. What the hell else do you expect me to say?”

  I sat there for a moment debating whether I should dare mention Peter’s solution to Quinn’s pain. I decided to bite the bullet and go for it.

  “Quinn … there is a way to make this easier on you,” I said hesitantly.

  “If it doesn’t involve you staying here with me, then I’m not interested.”

  “Just hear me out.” I took a deep breath and exhaled. “I … I could erase all memory of me from your mind.”

  “You could do what?” Quinn flew off the handle. “Don’t you even dare!”

  I suspected my offer might upset him, but I had no idea he would be this offended.

  “You would actually want me to forget about you?” he roared. “You would actually let me forget about you and this past summer together?

  “Evie, don’t you get it? You are a part of my life—a part of me.” Quinn looked at me like I had just tried to double-cross him. “I don’t understand how you would want to take that part of me away.”

  “I’m sorry. Quinn, I just don’t want you to suffer. You have to know that the last thing I’d ever want to do is hurt you … So I just thought … if this could help you move on with your life without me …”

  “Yeah, well I’ll take the pain of missing you over the loss of all memory of you any day of the week and twice on Sunday.” He looked at me apprehensively. “Evie, promise me that you will not erase my memory.”

  I just looked at him.

  “Promise me,” he demanded.

  “Quinn …”

  “Promise me,” Quinn demanded again.

  “I promise.” As soon as I said the words, I knew I would come to regret them.

  “So when do you have to leave?” he asked numbly.

  I knew if I stayed, Quinn would only try to change my mind by night’s end. I knew if I stayed, there was a chance he would succeed.

  “Now,” I whispered.

  31. On the Rebound

  The next week was pure torture for both of us. I had no idea it would be so hard to ghost Quinn twenty-four-seven and not be able to communicate with him in any way. And he didn’t make it any easier. He would speak to me on a daily basis. Sometimes he’d reminisce out loud about some of the things we’d done during our time together. Other times he’d tell me he knew I was there … that he could feel me; and I suspected he could.

  And, each day, Quinn would buy me a new magazine, letting them pile up to collect dust on the seat of my chair. And every night, he would wish me good night and tell me he loved me before falling asleep on his side of the bed. He even played the song he had used to tease me on our anniversary.

  He would purposely leave his laptop on overnight, with my playlist open and my earphones plugged in, only to scan the number of times the songs had been played the next morning to see if I had listened to any music while he was asleep. Of course, I never did; I couldn’t string him along like that.

  I had to stay strong. I had to fight how much I missed him. I constantly reminded myself that this was for the best. I reminded myself of why I was here. I had to focus all of my attention and energy on keeping Quinn alive and safe.

  It was of little relief that the Incident Timer on my watch had remained steady. The next Incident was still scheduled to occur in late November. That said, I still didn’t know if this would be the second or third, and last, time I was officially expected to save his life. As miserable as I was at the moment, I knew I'd feel even worse when my assignment ended.

  To add insult to injury, Ashley had returned from being out of town on her latest project. She stopped by Quinn’s office one afternoon when Kyle wasn’t there.

  “So, Quinn, you’ve been a little distant lately. Everything okay with you?” she asked demurely.

  “Yeah. No, I’m fine,” he responded absentmindedly as he continued to pour through a pile of documents on his desk. “I’ve just been busy. Jones has me doing some research.”

  “Well, let me know if he’s expecting too much from you. I can easily see to it that someone else helps you out.”

  “Thanks, Ashley.” Quinn looked up at her and his face softened. “I appreciate the offer, but it’s okay—really. You know what they say … an idle mind—”

  “Is the devil’s works
hop,” Ashley finished his sentence and smiled flirtatiously as she walked over and sat on the corner of Quinn’s desk where she pretended to rifle through some of his papers.

  Ugh. Quinn would have to pick that proverb, I thought to myself.

  “Well, you know what else they say about all work and no play,” Ashley said playfully.

  “No, what?” Quinn said, now flashing a little smile of his own. I could detect a hint of a twinkle in his eye. I couldn’t believe it—he was flirting back!

  “It makes for rather lonely little boys and girls,” she said as she leaned in closer towards Quinn.

  You’ve got to be kidding me! I screamed in my mind.

  Just then, Kyle walked into the office, and, for the first time, I was thrilled to see him. She backed off immediately.

  “Oh, hi, Ashley,” Kyle said, practically drooling.

  “Hi, Kyle,” Ashley replied, flashing him a big smile. She stood up and straightened her skirt. Kyle was watching her so intently, he practically tripped over his own shoes as he went to sit down at his desk.

  “Well, Quinn, I just wanted to check in with you to see how you were doing. Why don’t you let me know when you’re free in the next day or so and we’ll grab a bite to eat. I may have a last minute assignment for you.” Ashley winked at Quinn slyly.

  “Yeah, sure,” Quinn replied. I clenched my teeth.

  “Bye, Kyle,” Ashley said flirtatiously.

  “Bye,” Kyle managed. His eyes were still glued to Ashley’s body as she walked out of the office.

  “Dude,” he said, “you are so lucky to have Ashley as a mentor. She is smoking hot, and I heard she gives out really cushy assignments.”

  Oh Kyle, I thought, you have no idea.

  * * *

  That night, Tommy called Quinn. Curious to see whether Tommy would mention me, I listened in on their entire conversation.

  “Quinny, how’s it going?” Tommy asked cheerily.

  “Fine. And you? Hey, how’s Sam doing?”

  “I’m good—Sam is just big and fat.” Tommy chuckled. I could hear Tommy’s wife cursing him out affectionately in the background.