The Best American Short Plays 2010-2011

by William W. Demastes

  JEFFERSON, nerd, believes the correct response to one question can lead to marriage.

  CODY McCOY, swaggering, egotistical, Texan.

  SALEEM, Eastern mystic palm reader.

  RONDOLFO, Latin American man seeking wealthy American woman.

  LARRY, guy with a Brooklyn accent who fancies himself as a smooth-talking playboy.

  Time—Place—Setting

  Current year, Los Angeles, Center City bar hosting a “one-minute speed-dating event.” (Set can be a barstool, two folding chairs, and a small table.)

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

  • • •

  [BETTY is on her cell phone seated on a barstool.]

  BETTY [On cell phone.] Hello, Linda, where are you? I’ve been waiting fifteen minutes....Oh no, you had a flat? Did you get help?...That’s good....Don’t worry about it. I wasn’t sure I wanted to go through with this “one minute speed dating” thing anyway...I’ll see if I can get my money back for the cover charge....Talk to you later, bye.

  [HENRY walks over.]

  HENRY Hello, my name is Henry; I’m your drink server. What can I get you?

  BETTY I don’t want a drink, thank you. Do you know where I can get a refund for the cover charge?

  HENRY You just got here, didn’t you?

  BETTY Yes, and now I’m leaving.

  HENRY The speed dating hasn’t started yet. Having second thoughts?

  BETTY Yes...eh, no, my friend was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.

  HENRY Ah, flying solo then. Some people always get a little shaky trying it for the first time.

  BETTY [Indignant.] What makes you think it’s my first time? I didn’t say that.

  HENRY Hold on, I only meant you might enjoy yourself; it’s only a one-minute date per guy.

  BETTY I’ve changed my mind....I have a right to change my mind.

  HENRY Ah, a little low on self-confidence, I see. What’s your name?

  BETTY [Angry.] I beg your pardon! Just tell me where I can get my money back!

  HENRY I’m guessing...Carol. Like the television star, Carol Burnett, from the sixties. Am I right?

  BETTY [Self-consciously.] That’s terrible; you think I’m that old! I mean, do I look it!? I put on makeup tonight and had my hair done. Oh, what am I saying!? Where’s the manager!?

  HENRY Hey, hey...no offense intended.

  BETTY I wouldn’t even be here tonight if it wasn’t for that rat bastard of a husband, I mean ex-husband. Because of him, I have to get back in circulation, as my friend Linda puts it.

  HENRY You mean, he’s here tonight?

  BETTY Certainly not! He’s in the Bahamas with his child bride, who has the body of a stripper and IQ of sawdust.

  HENRY You could use a drink, definitely.

  BETTY Just tell me how I can get my twenty bucks back!

  HENRY I think you’re cute....Laura?

  BETTY What?

  HENRY Your name, is it Laura?

  BETTY No, it isn’t. Do you play this name game with everyone who asks for a refund?

  HENRY Relax; I’m on your side. Just trying to be supportive.

  BETTY I don’t need your help.

  HENRY Almost everyone in here feels a little jittery at first.

  BETTY How would you know?

  HENRY I work here. Some guys come up to the bar and pop two quick drinks to bolster their courage. Then they hit the tables for their “one minute” date.

  BETTY Really, two drinks just to talk with a woman?

  HENRY No one wants to get rejected. So it’s a liquid fortifier... instant bravery. Want to try it?

  BETTY Why would you think I need a drink to talk with a man? I’m talking with you, aren’t I?

  HENRY Now that wasn’t bad, was it? You just did it.

  BETTY Did what?

  HENRY Have a “one minute” date with me. We talked for sixty seconds, or something like that.

  BETTY We did? Oh yeah, I guess we did.

  HENRY See, what did I tell you; no serious injuries of any kind, still in one piece, and you feel better about it, don’t you?

  BETTY It was only a minute, wasn’t it?

  HENRY I think you’re ready for the tables. The way it works, you pick a table and the guys rotate around. A bell rings to start and a minute later it rings to end.

  BETTY Well, I already paid my money; I guess I could give it a go.

  HENRY That’s the spirit. I cruise the tables for drinks. So I’ll see you in a little while.

  BETTY Henry.

  HENRY Yes?

  BETTY My name is Elizabeth, but you can call me Betty.

  HENRY Thanks, Betty. See you soon.

  [BETTY sits at a table (or two facing chairs).]

  [Bell rings.]

  [JEFFERSON sits at the table.]

  JEFERSON [A nerdy personality.] Hi, my name is Jefferson. What’s yours?

  BETTY Elizabeth.

  JEFFERSON I’m thirty-seven and work as an actuarial. Do you know what that is?

  BETTY Yes, someone who calculates risks and rates for an insurance company.

  JEFFERSON Great! I always ask that question first. It helps me save time.

  BETTY How do you mean?

  JEFFERSON If you don’t know what it is, then I know you don’t know as much as I know.

  BETTY And if I didn’t know?

  JEFFERSON You would be a risk, according to my tables.

  BETTY What kind of risk?

  JEFFERSON I calculated the probability of a successful first date leading to an engagement and marriage. All based on someone knowing the answer.

  BETTY You can’t book a honeymoon suite based on an answer to one question. You have to know someone first; there has to be an attraction to start with and...

  JEFFERSON...Not necessarily. There are plenty of tests I plan to administer. First off, how many children do you want? I believe five is the right number. When a family vote comes up, there will never be a tie.

  BETTY Jefferson, may I ask you a question? Do you still live at home with your mother?

  JEFFERSON [Self-consciously.] How perceptive. Amazing you should know that.

  BETTY Jefferson, may I make a suggestion?

  JEFFERSON Oh, please do.

  BETTY Hold off on making a deposit on an engagement ring.

  [Bell rings. JEFFERSON leaves. Bell rings. CODY McCOY sits at the table.]

  CODY McCOY [Egotistical and swaggering personality. Texas twang.] Howdy, little lady, my name is Cody “Two a Day” McCoy and the pleasure will be all yours.

  BETTY Excuse me!

  CODY McCOY What do your lovers call you while they chew on your ear?

  BETTY Good grief! Are you for real?

  CODY McCOY What line are you in?

  BETTY Line? What do you mean?

  CODY McCOY Gimmick, activity, work, you know...or do you sit and polish your nails all day?

  BETTY I most certainly don’t polish my nails all day. I’m a librarian.

  CODY McCOY Burying? Is that some fancy name for an undertaker? I mean, why don’t you just say I lay them to rest. With emphasis on the “lay.” Get it?

  BETTY Oh, God. I need a Rolaids tablet. I feel an ulcer developing.

  CODY McCOY Want to know why they call me “Two a Day” McCoy?

  BETTY Not really.

  CODY McCOY I’ll tell you...Viagra.

  BETTY Viagra?

  CODY McCOY That’s right. I take two a day every day. Why, little filly, you can throw a saddle on old Cody and ride all day like the Pony Express into the sunset.

  BETTY Mr. McCoy, I think...

  CODY McCOY...Hey, since we’re friends, just call me “Two a Day.”

  BETTY Well, Mr. Two a Day, I think you are an insecure, coarse, and vulgar man.
>
  CODY McCOY Hold on now, you’re a feisty one. I’m gettin’ to likin’ you. I can see a prairie home for the two of us.

  BETTY Before you get too far into your Wild West delusional dream, put a spur up your ass and get off my table.

  [Bell rings. CODY McCOY leaves.]

  Oh, why did I ever come here? This was a mistake.

  [Bell rings. SALEEM sits at the table.]

  SALEEM [Assumes a light Indian or exotic eastern accent.] I am the know-all, see-all, feel-all...the great Saleem, mystic and psychic, speaking to you.

  BETTY Come again?

  SALEEM Wait, don’t tell me...you are Alexandria from Egypt, a distant descendent of the great Cleopatra. A Sagittarius with three children.

  BETTY Mr. Saleem, I’m Elizabeth, a Leo from San Diego with no children.

  SALEEM In this life, perhaps, but not in another. Do not deny your heritage, child. Seek your galactic family to become whole again.

  BETTY What is it you do for a living?

  SALEEM Provide guidance for wandering souls lost in the cosmic dust of space.

  BETTY How do you do that?

  SALEEM Ah, for a modest sum spread over three equal installments, the great Saleem reads the lines on your feet, your hands, your forehead...

  BETTY [Anxiously touching her forehead.] Oh no, I don’t have lines on my forehead...do I? Good grief, now I need to start using Botox!

  SALEEM I sense a heavy presence, the weight of many souls.

  BETTY [Upset.] I knew this dress would make me look fat. Oh my God, I’m a wreck tonight.

  SALEEM I’m picking up a vibration....

  BETTY [Sarcastically.] ...You really know how to make a woman feel good about herself, Saleem.

  SALEEM Your palm wishes to tell me something.

  BETTY What is it saying to you?

  [BETTY waves good-bye with her hand.]

  SALEEM It’s moving I cannot read the lines.

  BETTY I’ll read it for you. It’s saying...GOOD-BYE!

  [Bell rings. SALEEM leaves.]

  I’ve got to get out of here. This is ridiculous.

  [Bell rings. RONDOLFO sits at the table.]

  RONDOLFO [Light Latin accent.] Hello, beautiful lady. I am Rondolfo from Buenos Aires in Argentina.

  BETTY Oh, how exotic-sounding. I’m Elizabeth.

  RONDOLFO You are single, no?

  BETTY No, I mean, yes, I’m not married. I thought you had to be single to do this.

  RONDOLFO Sí, this is true. But one must make certain with all the cheating going on today. Rondolfo only wants a single woman.

  BETTY Are you married?

  RONDOLFO Oh no, not at all, free as a bird, no attachments. My mother, she wants me to get married, raise a large family...

  BETTY...You still live at home?

  RONDOLFO Sí, but just until my parole is up.

  [Pause.]

  Then I want to live in a beach house. You own such a house, no? You have money, no?

  BETTY Parole, what parole?

  RONDOLFO A huge misunderstanding got me in trouble with the...what you call it...the FBI. I...how do you say it...am like a cheerleader. I make people happy. That’s why I was arrested.

  BETTY I don’t believe it...they arrested you for that?

  RONDOLFO Sí, this is true.

  BETTY HEY, HOLD ON!...Were you dressed as a clown and did something with children!?

  RONDOLFO No, no, no...I was doing...what you call it...

  [Raising both arms.]

  ...“the wave,” like in a sports stadium.

  BETTY You mean, they arrested you just for doing that?

  RONDOLFO Sí, I told everyone to raise their arms. It worked; everyone did...even the bank tellers.

  [Pause.]

  How did I know an FBI agent was in line? You like Rondolfo, no?

  BETTY Good God, why is this happening to me?

  [Bell rings. RONDOLFO leaves.]

  Is it me? Is this the best I can do?

  [Bell rings. LARRY sits at the table.]

  LARRY [Bronx accent.] Wow, I’m picking up a wonderful aura from you. I felt it across the room and couldn’t wait to get here.

  BETTY Really? No, you’re just saying that.

  LARRY Larry never lies. I was just killing time with the other women until I could meet you. What’s your name?

  BETTY That’s sweet, Larry. I’m Elizabeth.

  LARRY I could feel your fingerprint on my heart. I wish we could spend more time together, perhaps dinner and a glass of wine.

  BETTY Too soon, we don’t know each other.

  LARRY Our emotional paths are intertwined. How can you deny it?

  BETTY I, eh, well, maybe one drink.

  LARRY Wonderful. I want to absorb your complete essence, every atom of your being.

  BETTY Gosh, you make it sound like you’re delving into my soul.

  [LARRY’s cell phone rings. He answers, turns slightly, and tries to cover his mouth.]

  LARRY Yo, Jimmy...you guys are goin’ bowlin’?...I’m at the speed-dating bar....Yeah, I’m feeding her the old lines. I think she’s falling for it....Wait a second, I want to make sure...

  [BETTY overhears the muffled conversation and is shocked.]

  [To BETTY.]

  Hey, are we gonna hook up tonight or what?

  BETTY Yeah, sure. First go to the bar and get a corkscrew because I wanta drill into your head to see what you’re using for a brain!

  [Bell rings. LARRY leaves.]

  I swear I’m gonna’ deck the next jerk that comes over here.

  [HENRY walks up to table.]

  HENRY How’s it going, Betty? Want a drink?

  BETTY Henry, you didn’t tell me I’d get a front-row seat at the circus freak show.

  HENRY Hey, if you’re bummed out, my shift ends in ten minutes. I’ll buy you a cup of coffee. We can call it our “one-minute date.” Okay?

  BETTY Thanks, but no thanks. My head is still spinning. I mean, are there no normal men around?

  [HENRY holds BETTY’s hand.]

  HENRY [Softly.] Relax, soothe yourself. Feel the clearness of the lake, taste the blueness of the sky, cover yourself with the tranquility of butterflies....

  BETTY. . . What is that?

  HENRY Something I made up.

  [BETTY jerks her hand away.]

  BETTY [Irritated.] More like something you plagiarized.

  HENRY Don’t you like it?

  BETTY I would have if you didn’t lie about it. I’m disappointed in you. You’re just like the others.

  HENRY How do you mean?

  BETTY It’s from one of my favorite poems written by Dobson. I read his book a hundred times. I know it by heart.

  HENRY Oh, bring it around sometime and I’ll autograph it for you.

  BETTY Right, what name will you sign?

  HENRY My own.

  BETTY Wait...you don’t mean...you’re...HENRY...HENRY DOBSON!?

  HENRY In the flesh....Now, can we have our coffee and a “one minute” date?

  [BETTY extends her hand and HENRY grasps it.]

  BETTY Henry.

  [Pause.]

  Let’s make it a two-minute date.

  • • •

  Thread Count

  a romantic comedy in one act

  Lisa Soland

  Thread Count by Lisa Soland. Copyright © 2010, 2012 by Lisa Soland. All rights reserved. Reprinted by permission of the author.

  CAUTION/ADVICE: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that performance of Thread Count is subject to a royalty. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, and of all countries covered by the International Copyright Union (including the Dominion of Canada and the rest of the British Commonwealth), and of all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention and the Universal Copyright Convention, the Berne Convention, and of all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights, including professional and amateur sta
ge performing rights, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound recording, all other forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction, such as CD-ROM, DVD-ROM, information storage and retrieval systems, and photocopying, and the rights of translation into foreign languages, are strictly reserved. Particular emphasis is placed upon the matter of readings, permission for which must be secured from the author’s agent in writing.

  Inquiries concerning rights should be addressed to Lisa Soland at LisaSoland@aol.com.

  Lisa Soland

  Lisa Soland graduated from Florida State University with a BFA in acting and received her Equity card working as an apprentice at the Burt Reynolds Jupiter Theatre. Her plays Waiting, Cabo San Lucas, Truth Be Told, and The Name Game, along with the anthology The Man in the Gray Suit & Other Short Plays, are published by Samuel French, Inc. Her work can also be found in “best of” anthologies published by Samuel French, Smith & Kraus, Applause Books, and Dramatic Publishing. She has produced and/or directed over eighty productions and play readings, fifty-five of which have been original. Her production company, Rose’s Name Game Productions, has been producing original works since 1993, with Soland still at the helm, and she continues to work as artistic director and teacher of the All Original Playwright Workshop, helping to inspire countless original play readings and productions across the country. Thread Count was first heard in public when given as a reading for Dramatists Guild Friday Night Footlights at the Academy for New Musical Theatre in North Hollywood, California, on May 25, 2007. Jeff Charlton played Fergus, Susan C. Hunter played Dot, and Phillip Sanchez played Tiny. On this same day, the playwright’s mentor and beloved teacher, Charles Nelson Reilly, passed away. Soland would like to dedicate this publication to him.

  • • • Production History • • •

  Thread Count was first produced as part of an evening of romantic comedies by Lisa Soland, entitled Meet Cute, at the Clayton Performing Arts Center by Pellissippi State College, Knoxville, Tennessee, on October 15, 2010. It was directed by Charles R. Miller, who also designed the set; the stage manager was Alex Spangler; and the technical director was David Crutcher. The lights were designed by Kate Bashore, and Patti Rogers designed the costumes. The cast, in order of appearance, was as follows: