The Best American Short Plays 2010-2011

by William W. Demastes

  CHASTITY So what makes you so special?

  ELI Special?

  CHASTITY Yeah. How come everyone else on this island has to go through the motions, and you get to be a starfish?

  ELI Well...

  CHASTITY I’ve met every other man in this province.

  ELI Every single one?

  CHASTITY That’s right, every single fucking one. And I’ll tell you something about them. They only think about two things. And both of them smell like fish.

  ELI Oh my God.

  CHASTITY And, unlike every other man in Nova Scotia, you don’t want to have sex. At all. Why not?

  ELI I really don’t know. I had to go to church a lot when I was younger?

  CHASTITY So?

  ELI My mother would drag me along with her so she’d have some company. Aside from the other women who only left their widows’ walks on Sunday mornings.

  CHASTITY That’s why you don’t have sex?

  ELI Well...Y’know they tell you in church—are you religious? Oh, sorry, look who I’m asking.

  CHASTITY What? What!? You’re saying because I’m a prostitute I can’t be religious?!

  ELI No, that wasn’t what I meant at all.

  CHASTITY I am a deeply religious woman!

  ELI I’m sure you are—

  CHASTITY Just because a person needs to make a living does not mean she can’t be religious. You know what? I don’t think I wanna help you anymore. Question my religion and make me sit on a paper towel. I’ll see you in hell, starfish!

  ELI I just meant that you’re studying the sciences, you probably wouldn’t believe in God.

  [Beat.]

  CHASTITY Is that really what you meant?

  ELI No. I’m sorry, I just didn’t mean to upset you.

  CHASTITY Uh-huh.

  ELI Look. I may not have asked you to come here, but as long as you’re my guest (and don’t demand a large sum of money), I am going to try to be civil. All right? I don’t want to offend you. At all.

  CHASTITY That’s the sweetest thing anybody’s said to me in a long time.

  ELI It is?

  CHASTITY Can I give you a hug?

  ELI A hug?

  CHASTITY Yeah, you heard of one of those? It’s where you wrap your arms around another person and squeeze.

  ELI Well...

  CHASTITY Unless you’re afraid it’ll give you the clap or something.

  ELI I don’t know....

  CHASTITY Come on, Eli. I promise I’m not gonna bite.

  ELI I guess it could be...enjoyable.

  CHASTITY So are we gonna hug?

  ELI Yeah. Sure.

  [They hug.]

  CHASTITY Isn’t that better?

  ELI It’s very nice.

  CHASTITY Funny. You live inside a dick...and I think there’s a lighthouse in your pants.

  ELI [Breaking away from her.] Oh God...

  CHASTITY Don’t worry, Eli. No one’s gonna blame you. I mean, look at me. I am one foxy lady. Don’t you think so?

  ELI I...I guess.

  CHASTITY You guess? You’ve got more wood than a lumber yard.

  ELI I think you should leave. I have to go record the wind speed and—

  CHASTITY Can I explain something?

  ELI What?

  CHASTITY I’m not normally this...brazen. I’m a little upset tonight, that’s all. Truth be told, I’ve been seriously thinking about a career change. Rodney keeps sending me out at all hours, and I get anxious when I work at night. I always told him, I hate working after dark. Sure, it makes more sense, it’s better for business. But I never like doing it.

  ELI Why not?

  [Beat.]

  CHASTITY Promise not to tell anyone?

  ELI I promise.

  CHASTITY Promise you won’t laugh?

  ELI Promise.

  CHASTITY I’m afraid of the dark.

  ELI Isn’t everyone?

  [She kisses him. He breaks off.]

  CHASTITY Sorry. I know. It’s just...I’ve never told that to anybody before. Well, except this one boy.

  ELI Rodney?

  CHASTITY No! It was...He lived next door to my smelly grandmother. And he was the only one that...Anyway, we’re not talking about me right now.

  ELI Why not?

  CHASTITY Because you were trying to tell me about going to church with your mom.

  ELI Oh, it’s not that interesting.

  CHASTITY No, please. I’m very involved.

  ELI Listen, I don’t want to upset your...pimp, or whatever he is. I think you should just leave and tell him—

  CHASTITY Don’t worry about Rodney. Tell me more about yourself.

  ELI Really, the fog’s getting thicker.

  CHASTITY Aw, you take your job more seriously than I do. And I am a model employee.

  ELI People’s lives depend on this lighthouse! My father’s family built it. Now the government’s talking about tearing it down.

  CHASTITY Really?

  ELI They’re firing lightkeepers all up the coast. It’s easier to make these places automatic. Or just get rid of them. It’s ridiculous. It—it guides lost vessels back to shore.

  [Beat.]

  Anyway, I should go upstairs.

  CHASTITY Wait a second. The only woman you’ve talked about so far is your mother. I want to know why you’ve never been with a woman.

  [Pause.]

  ELI When I was younger, I used to listen to other people’s conversations on the two-way radio. The lighthouse was so far away from anybody that I...And one day, I heard this girl over the radio. She must’ve been around my age. Pretty voice. Her name was Margaret, I think. And every Sunday, at the same time, just when I’d be getting home from church, she’d send out the same frequency.

  CHASTITY What was her name again?

  ELI I think it was Margaret. I started talking to her over the radio upstairs. There was something about her voice. And I think I...

  CHASTITY What?

  ELI It felt so...good. To have someone to talk to. Especially after my father died. Her father was a sailor. She used to tell me about all the exotic things he brought back with him from his voyages. Ships in a bottle from Martinique, uh...dried-out sea lions from coral reefs. But the thing she talked about most was this starfish. She said it was perfect. She said that God didn’t make man in his image. He made starfish instead.

  CHASTITY What happened to her?

  ELI The last time I spoke to her, she was going away for the summer. Her father decided to let her travel with him. And...I heard some sailors on the radio talking about it later....Their ship was lost at sea. It must have been a foggy night. Somebody probably forgot to light the lamp in the lighthouse. Excuse me.

  [He moves to the stairs. CHASTITY restrains him.]

  CHASTITY Wait.

  ELI What do you want from me?

  CHASTITY The way you spoke about that little girl. It sounded like you really loved her....Did you?

  [He kisses her. He pulls away, almost in tears.]

  What is it?

  ELI The sound of your voice...

  CHASTITY Come here.

  ELI I used to pray that I could hear her voice again.

  CHASTITY Well, Eli. You finally fished your wish.

  [They kiss. They stumble to the wall. She begins to undo his pants. He stops her.]

  ELI I can’t. I’m sorry, I can’t.

  CHASTITY What’s the matter?

  [Beat.]

  ELI I called you. It was me who asked you to come here. But when you got here, I was so...nervous. And ashamed of myself.

  [Beat.]

  I’m sorry, I can’t.

  CHASTITY Eli.

  ELI I can’t, all right!? I just can’t! I shouldn’t have called you. I’m sorry...I’m so...Please, I...

  [He is crying. He moves to the couch and sits.]

  CHASTITY Listen. Don’t worry about it, okay? I’ll sort things out with Rodney. It—it’ll be all right.

  ELI It’s not going to be a
ll right. My lighthouse is being torn down. I have nowhere to go, and no one to, no one to even talk to. She was my only friend. Just like that boy you told me about. Margaret was the only friend I ever had. And I never even saw her face....

  [Pause.]

  CHASTITY Look, I really should get going. If Rodney’s waiting outside and expecting—

  ELI Don’t. Please. Just...will you stay with me for a little while?

  CHASTITY I can’t.

  ELI Just...a few more minutes. Please.

  CHASTITY I’m sorry, Eli.

  [She begins collecting her things and goes to the door. She stops.]

  Can I tell you something?

  [Beat.]

  I’ve been doing this kind of work for too long. I know that. I’ve been doing this so long I didn’t think there were any good people left out there. But I want you to understand. You are not like the sailors I usually fuck. You’re a man, Eli. Made in God’s image.

  ELI If that’s true, God must be so lonely. I am. I am. I...

  [She moves and sits down next to him.]

  CHASTITY I know. I am too. But one day, I’ll find someone. Someone perfect for me. Someone who can make me...happy. You and I won’t be alone forever. One day, Eli, I promise you, we’ll find someone to love us. I know we will. There’s plenty of fish in the sea.

  [She rests her head on his shoulder, as the lights fade to black.]

  • • •

  St. Matilde’s Malady

  Kyle John Schmidt

  St. Matilde’s Malady by Kyle John Schmidt. Copyright © 2012 by Kyle John Schmidt. All rights reserved. Reprinted by permission of the author.

  CAUTION/ADVICE: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that performance of St. Matilde’s Malady is subject to a royalty. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, and of all countries covered by the International Copyright Union (including the Dominion of Canada and the rest of the British Commonwealth), and of all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention and the Universal Copyright Convention, the Berne Convention, and of all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights, including professional and amateur stage performing rights, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound recording, all other forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction, such as CD-ROM, DVD-ROM, information storage and retrieval systems, and photocopying, and the rights of translation into foreign languages, are strictly reserved. Particular emphasis is placed upon the matter of readings, permission for which must be secured from the author’s agent in writing.

  Inquiries concerning rights should be addressed to Kyle John Schmidt at kylejohnschmidt@gmail.com.

  Kyle John Schmidt

  Kyle John Schmidt is a native Iowan and a recent graduate of the Michener Center for Writers. His short plays include The Last Hat (Actors Theatre of Louisville, Heideman Award), Sword Play (Actors Theatre of Louisville), Fernando and the Killer Queen (Theatre Masters), and St. Matilde’s Malady (Frontera Short Fringe, Best of Fest). Full-length plays include Blue Point (UTNT), Fernando and the Killer Queen (David Mark Cohen New Works Festival).

  • • • Production History • • •

  St. Matilde’s Malady was produced in January 2010 as part of the Frontera Fest Short Fringe at Hyde Park Theatre in Austin, Texas, under the direction of Elizabeth C. Lay.

  It was produced by Crashbox Theatre, winter 2010–2011, at the Studio Theatre on Theatre Row in New York City under the direction of Jordan Douglas Smith.

  Characters

  MOLLY FORGE

  TAMMY

  CONNIE

  SAMPSON

  CAPTAIN TWISTER

  DIRTY VICKI

  • • •

  [A private sitting room on the top floor of a massive pre-industrial brothel. There are three doors: one that leads to the staircase for the rest of the building, and then two others that lead to bedrooms. MOLLY FORGE, a young prostitute, stands center stage, fuming, with her hands balled into fists. Behind her stands a weaving loom. Her roommate TAMMY, another prostitute, enters from one of the bedrooms.]

  TAMMY Oh, fortune unfurled! I am the most ineffective prostitute in all the world. The man I got tossed last night—only because you were busy—glared and frowned the entire time. But, Molly, my friend, what was I to do? He thought he’d have you. He acted like my bed was a tomb. I resorted to juggling just to keep him in the room.

  MOLLY FORGE This is a full day of total night. Look out. The sky denies the sun and fat fog hides all the smiles. But worse, the bay is black, the water dark. SAD. SAD. SAD. Tammy, oh, Tammy, I fear I have the SAD.

  TAMMY You! Sad? You can’t be sad. You’re the most popular prostitute at Connie’s Brothel and Rug Shop. You serviced five men, six women, and a gay couple last night. I saw your tip can. Overflowing with coinage and compliments! I only had the one, a portly teen, with neck hair, cobwebby teeth, ear jam! And he paid in coupons.

  [TAMMY picks up a coupon from her tip can.]

  “Ten coppers off wash rags.” What am I to do with that! I’m sad, the saddest, most disappointing prostitute in all the town.

  MOLLY FORGE Not emotionally distressed. But a victim of SAD. A SAD.

  TAMMY A sad what?

  MOLLY FORGE S-A-D. Sexually Acquired Disease. SAD. I’ve got the SAD.

  TAMMY Which one?

  MOLLY FORGE I think. I fear. It seems like St. Matilde’s Malady.

  TAMMY Oh no! St. Matilde’s Malady! That’s the worst! Are you sure?

  MOLLY FORGE Look at my hands. Clamped shut. Diseased! I can’t weave with fists. And if I can’t use the loom, customers will know that I am riddled with an incurable, transmittable, and debilitating infection that could leave them as locked up as I.

  TAMMY If you can move everything but your fists, you might get by.

  MOLLY FORGE Everyone checks. Which is why we are cursed with looms in our rooms. When people see she cannot weave, they know their prostitute is diseased.

  TAMMY Molly Forge, unlike a capricious man, my loyalty will never shrink or flop below the belt. I will have no daily spree until I cure your St. Matilde’s Malady!

  [CONNIE, the brothel mistress, enters.]

  CONNIE Tragedy coupled with tragedy in Connie’s house of humping tragedies. We walked into happy Sandra’s room this morning and she was immobile. We tried rolling her down the stairs, but St. Matilde’s Malady has fastened her tight within its sickly snares.

  MOLLY FORGE She’s dead?

  CONNIE Hardly. Her heart still beats tremendously within its cage. But don’t grieve the poor lamb. The army came and made her a battering ram!

  TAMMY Connie, why didn’t you find her a cure?

  CONNIE There’s no cure for St. Matilde’s Malady. But in the midnight of this tragedy, I have found daybreak. Happy Tammy, you will move into lost Sandra’s room.

  TAMMY What? No! I can’t.

  CONNIE It’s time you were released from the feet of my deepest gorge, the formidable Molly Forge.

  TAMMY But who’s going to make sure that Molly’s customers sign the guest book? And take a mint. And who will take the ones who want Molly but don’t want to wait and don’t mind getting disappointed by my frequently heralded bedroom failures?

  CONNIE All your customers are distracted by Molly. You’ll do far better on your own.

  TAMMY Clients will howl if I’m alone. Molly alleviates their disappointment. Me the pain, her the pill. She the anesthetic, me the dental drill.

  MOLLY FORGE Let Tammy stay.

  CONNIE Connie commands, everyone obeys; happy Tammy moves, handsome Molly stays. Today I need everyone to flaunt their greatest attraction. The whole harbor is completely locked up and the sailors will need distraction.

  TAMMY Why’s the whole harbor stalled?

  CONNIE A tragedy, it’s called.

  One ship, full of oil thus,

  Went beserko maximus.

>   With steering wheel firmly caught,

  It struck every ship in th’ lot.

  Then, a cannon shot left this tanker doomed,

  And from its shattered hull a dark yoke bloomed.

  The oil made our harbor a black jail,

  From which not even one ship can sail.

  Thousands of sailors wait now impatient,

  So we are cast to make the entertainment.

  Tam and Mol, prepare your warm brothel bed,

  For we have the busiest of days ahead.

  To begin, my eager mares:

  A young lad waits downstairs,

  He has risen with the morning bands

  And waits orchestration from your hands.

  So we work now because we must,

  Forgoing love, to conquer lust.

  [CONNIE exits.]

  TAMMY This is the worst. The busiest day ever, you incapacitated, and me still myself.

  MOLLY FORGE This is all my fault.

  TAMMY St. Matilde’s Malady is no one’s fault. It could happen to anyone. I’ve heard it said you can’t always trace the source.

  MOLLY FORGE No, I sabotaged that ship to whirl around the bay.

  TAMMY Hump what? You haven’t left our room.

  MOLLY FORGE I didn’t sleep alone last night. A man slept over.

  TAMMY Molly Christine Forge! That’s forbidden!

  MOLLY FORGE He was my evening’s final customer. And he fell asleep astride me, my breasts rocking in the soft hammock of his palms, my hair entangled his, his eyes locked upon mine. We bedded our armies in blissful concordance. When we awoke, he called me his star fire, I lauded him my saintly fox. Then a thousand joyful kisses without purpose or monetary remuneration. I saw my life’s end on the ruby curve of his lips, and he said as much to me. It was right then that my hands froze into the puppets you see now.

  TAMMY He gave you the SAD?

  MOLLY FORGE Yes. He gave me St. Matilde’s Malady. The moment he saw my hands, he bolted out of bed, discovering that he couldn’t bend his knees from a similar and simultaneous disease. Frightened, he robed himself to leave, dropping his oil tanker’s wheel keys. I tried halting him, but limping so to travel farther, he trundled out my window and down the trumpet vines toward the harbor.