On one hand Ramon bets out $50, which is all he has, and he has a sucky hand. He says that he figures he should take chances. Well, that proves to be dumb when he loses all that money to Tyler. I'm slightly disappointed that Tyler wins. Of course I was silently routing for Ramon the whole time; I don't really know Tyler.
Tyler gleefully collects the $130. His eyes are bright with eagerness and greed. I watch as he disjointedly shoves all of the cash into his bulging wallet with his fat fingers. He seems to be trying to make quite a show of rubbing in the fact that he won. My stomach churns at the thought that he has my $5. But, what can I do? After Tyler has been thoroughly annoying, he leaves.
Now it's Ramon and me hanging out by ourselves again. I figure it's about time for me to go home, seeing as it's 1:30 am, and the state of California doesn't allow provisional licensed drivers to drive after midnight. But, I still want to settle my dispute with Kira before she leaves for Russia. Of course it's too late for me to call her house line again. So, I'm thinking about what I can do, and I decide to write a letter and leave it under her doormat.
“Ramon, I want to write a note to Kira, do you have paper and something that I could write with?” I honestly don't know if he has these things because he's not exactly the most diligent student. But Ramon surprisingly does, and he retrieves them from his house.
As he hands the note to me, Ramon comments, “You're always the one apologizing to Kira. It makes you look easy.” I figure he doesn't understand that sometimes a friendship is more important than an ego, and so I begin to write my note to Kira. It ends up being about a page long. I tell her about how much I am going to miss her, and that I would have preferred to have had her with us the whole night because I would rather hang out with her than a bunch of stupid boys.
I feel as if my emotions are riding a roller coaster as I write this. My tears build up and land in big blotches on the paper, smearing the words. Sometimes I have to stop and let out a sob before I start writing again. I sense that this letter is extremely important for resurrecting our friendship.
As I finish off with signing the letter, I know it's time for me to leave. The thought of being alone makes me feel crushed. I can't bear it. I still want to hang out with Ramon; I want him to keep me company. So I ask him, “Hey can I stay here for a while?”
He replies, “You can, but we got to stay in the garage because I don't want to wake up my parents.”
“Oh, ok. Well, your garage is nice and everything, but it's kind of cold in here.” Lame excuse on a hot night, I know, but I'm getting sick of hanging out in his garage.
There is a slight pause, and Ramon says, “We could go to your house.” I remember that my mom went out for the night to her boyfriend's house, so I can basically do whatever I want for the whole evening. This sounds like an excellent solution to the problem, and I can feel myself brighten at the thought that he's willing to come over to my place. It's the best news all night.
“Sure. But first I've got to stop at Kira's house to drop this off.” I hold up my letter, and Ramon nods.
We climb in my car, and before I know it, I have dropped off the note, and we have reached my place.
I don't really know why, but as soon as we get to my house, we head back to my room. There is the kitchen, the living room, and everything, but we head to my room. He sits on my bed, and I sit at my desk. I also close the door. I'm just treating him like I do all my friends. I want to chat with him in private.
We make conversation for a while, and then I remember something Kira, Ramon, and I used to do, which was give each other massages. I always found these trio-massages exciting. They gave me the opportunity to have a guy touch me, a guy who I have a crush on none-the-less. The only difference between our past massages and now is that Kira isn't here. Also, I feel free to do things I normally wouldn't do when Kira is in California because I know she won't find out about it. So, I ask Ramon to give me a massage.
“Okay, but give me one first.”
“Ten minutes, and then we'll switch.” I say.
“Okay.”
So, he lies on his stomach, I sit on the bed, take a look at the clock, and start rubbing his back. All of a sudden we don't say all that much. Even though we are so close, it's like there is a void between us. The energy of the room has become awkward. I'm not sure what to make of it. But, when the time is up, I tap him and say, “That's ten minutes.”
“Already?!?” he remarks.
“Look at the clock.” He does so, and realizes that I'm not gypping him. He takes his sweet time about sitting up and giving me a place to lie down on the bed.
Then he says, “How long? Ten minutes?”
I laugh to myself because I think it's kind of obvious. “Well I massaged you for ten minutes, so yeah.”
“Okay.” He starts rubbing my back, and I relax into it. But the whole time I'm thinking that I wish he liked me. I wish that it meant something to him. I wonder if he really wanted me to give him his massage, or if he just didn't know how to say 'no' to me. I tell myself to just not think about it, and enjoy all that I can get. After all, besides kissing a guy, this is the farthest I have ever gone with one.
I also can't believe when my massage is done because the time flew by. But, I move to the side, and he lies down next to me in my bed. We lie there, and even though I have a twin size bed, we manage to not touch each other at all. Something I also try to not notice, because I wish he is holding me. Eventually we fall asleep. Or rather, he falls asleep. I am such a light sleeper that I just doze; I have trouble falling asleep for any small reason at all.
I don't know how much time passes, but the sky is lightening up as he leaves. I wish that he could stay all night, but I know that won't happen. I don't think it'll ever happen because he doesn't like me. I've liked him for three months, and he still doesn't like me. So, I know that I'll never get what I want from him. Or at least this is what I am telling myself.
Deep inside, I can't help but think that he does like me because he did give me a massage and sleep in my bed. I'm thinking that he must like me to be able to do that with me. Ramon really knows how to make my head spin. Aren't girls the ones who are supposed to be confusing in a relationship?
Still thinking all of this, I go to bed. It's about six in the morning or so.
My eyes fly open around 11:00 am. I'm not quite sure what woke me up, but I'm expecting to get a call from Kira about the letter. Just as I think this, my cell phone beeps twice, and I know I have gotten a text message. I pick up the phone, congratulating myself on my perfect time to wake up. I see it's from Kira's Mom's cell, and read the message, “dont forget julies anatomy book!” Kira had given me her textbook for the summer homework, and I am supposed to give it to our friend Julie.
“r u mad at me?” I text in reply. All I want to know at this point is whether or not Kira is still pissed at me because I don't want to have an unresolved fight while she is off in Russia.
“u cannot mend my broken heart,” she says. Talk about over dramatic!
So, I text, “i NEED 2 talk 2 u cuz it seems like ur not listening 2 anything im sayin.”
She replies by telling me to call her, which surprises me. I call her house, which is what I usually call, and she doesn't pick up. I call her mom's cell phone, and she still doesn't pick up. I figure she's still mad at me and honestly doesn't want to talk to me, so I stop trying to call her and finally wander out into my kitchen to start my day.
I see seven new messages on our message machine. Seven! So, I listen to them, and the first one is Kira, of course. She's telling me that she's not at all mad at me. At hearing this, I'm about to kick myself because I would have done anything to get that phone call. But, I'm even more ready to go die after I hear the rest of the messages. In intervals of about twenty minutes after Kira's first call, we had received a hang up call.
By now I'm sure that even if Kira had been cool with me in the morning, she is mad now because I didn't pick up the phone. Of course I ins
tantly try to call her again. She doesn't answer. I look at the clock, and it's 11:45; her plane left at 11:30. I curse myself for staying up all night with Ramon. If I had gotten proper sleep, the phone ringing would have woken me up. Now I'm stuck still in the middle of a fight for two months that I could have resolved this morning. What a great way to start the summer.
Chapter Two
A month has passed since Kira left for Russia, and there's one more month left until she gets back. Soon after she left, I decided not to get my VISA and join her in Russia. I didn't want to go through all that hassle, make my mom spend all that money, only to find out that Kira didn't want me there. I bet she doesn't miss me at all. I shake my head to release these thoughts.
I hear a car cruising down my street, and I instantly forget about Kira as I hop to my window to see if it's him. A grin spreads across my face as I see his red car speed by my house and turn around the corner. He is hiding his car from my mom; she has given me one too many glares whenever I mention Ramon to know that she is not a fan of him. She would rather never hear his name again and would freak out if she knew how much I actually see him. Usually when I go hang out with Ramon, I tell her I am seeing another friend instead. “Mom, I'm going to go hang out with Julie.” My mom nods her head and is excited that I am spending time with one of my “wholesome” friends. She has even said she's really happy to hear how much I've been hanging out with Julie. But she doesn't know where I drive off to after I head out the door, and 90% of the time it's over to Ramon's house.
This time, Ramon is coming over to my place because we know that my mom is not going to be home for a while, and so we will have some uninterrupted time. My mom has a boyfriend, and she likes to go over to his house all night once or twice a week, giving them some grown-up time. What she doesn't know is that I am taking advantage of these nights to have some grown-up time of my own. For the past month, ever since Kira left, I have been calling up Ramon whenever Mom goes over to her boyfriend's house.
Usually before my mom leaves, I will play this one-sided dance with her. She will tell me she is going over to her boyfriend's house, and it will be around 8:00 pm. I'll ask her if she is planning to stay the whole night, even though I already know she is. Mom will confirm this, and ask me if I will be all right. I try to hide the fact that my heart has started fluttering with excitement as I tell her I will be fine, and as soon as I hear the car backing out of the driveway, Ramon will already be on his way over.
After I see Ramon's car turn the corner, I know he is about to park. I bounce through the house to the front door, and once I see his blurred image through the fogged glass, I throw it open. Ramon frowns and covers his eyes as our front light, which responds to motion, turns on, blinding him. He is still scowling about it when he enters the house. My cat, Cherry, has black and grey swirls throughout her short fur, penetrating golden eyes, and a wet pink nose. She is already fifteen years old, but still has the energy of a kitten, and comes running over to say hello to Ramon, like she does to everybody. He spats at her to make Cherry leave. When she doesn't respond, he jumps suddenly at her, and Cherry runs away in fear. I see Cherry's grey and white ringed tail whisk off around the corner as she hurries into the living room.
I pretend I don't care that Ramon just shooed off my cat as we wander back to my bedroom like we always do. Ever since the first night of summer, we have fallen into a routine. When my mom goes out for the night, I call Ramon. He comes over, and we hang out chatting in my room for a while. By chatting, I mean that Ramon listens as I chat away about whatever is on my mind, and he grunts monosyllabic responses. This goes on until I've talked myself out and have worked up the nerve to ask him for another massage. Ramon always agrees. This time he tells me to give him one first, and we set a time limit for twenty minutes.
Usually Ramon's massages feel pretty good. He needs to rub harder sometimes, but other than that, I really enjoy them. One kind of massage that Ramon always does well is a shoulder massage. As luck would have it, tonight I'm wearing a brand new white shirt that only has one strap and exposes quite a bit of bare skin. I have honestly not thought about how this will benefit me until Ramon starts his massage, and he rubs my bare shoulder. I feel my skin twitch at the surprise of his fingers, and just after it twitches, my skin seems to tingle right where his fingers were. When he touches me again, my skin tingles again, but this time I can feel the tingling spread throughout my shoulder. The more he touches my skin, the more reactive my skin gets from the anticipation of feeling where his fingers will touch next. I feel like I'm in heaven.
Right then and there I want to take off my shirt and let Ramon rub my entire bare back. But, I know my limits, and Ramon is NOT my boyfriend. So, I'm lying there waiting for each time Ramon is going to rub my bare shoulder again, and wishing that he would just forget the shirt, and stick his hands under it.
Then this idea strikes me. I can lift up the shirt to expose my bare back, but not actually take off the shirt entirely. I'm nervous about the idea, but I know that it shouldn't ruin my relationship with Ramon at all; we have been through too much for that to hurt it. Or would it? I'm sitting there for like five minutes with my mind churning, considering if I should lift up my shirt, when I realize that Ramon is going to stop massaging me in about seven minutes. So I had better do something soon, or else I will not have any time to enjoy it.
So, as inconspicuously as I can, I tighten my abs to raise my stomach slightly off of the bed, and with trembling hands pull up my shirt about five inches. Ramon doesn't say anything, but right away he goes to touching my lower back. I can't believe my luck. I was worried that Ramon would avoid touching my bare back because he wouldn't think it's appropriate.
The euphoria I experienced while getting my shoulders rubbed is nothing compared to getting my bare lower back rubbed. I feel like I have never felt anything until this moment, and now I am feeling everything all at once. My whole mind is being absorbed with just the feeling. That tingling I had felt before is now spreading down into my hips and all of the way up under my shoulder blades. It is like my whole body is on fire. Now every time his fingers touch me, my skin twitches with anticipation and excitement, and the tingling gets so intense it's almost unbearable. It's like the feeling almost hurts, but in a good way, and then after the initial touch, the tingling subsides just enough for me to feel a release all over my lower back. I can feel a spot twitching next to my shoulder blade, and I know that if Ramon were to touch there, it would be like an explosion of anticipation released.
But then, before I get a chance to tell Ramon to touch my shoulder, my time is up. I feel like I am floating with joy, and I wish I had not already given Ramon his massage because I want him to experience how good skin on skin feels too. Instead, Ramon and I lay down in my bed, and he falls asleep.
My mind is still whirling. What Ramon did for me felt amazing, and I didn't want it to stop, but it didn't mean anything. He is still just my friend, and there is nothing I can do about it. He didn't do it for me because he loves me. I have already told him that I like him more than a friend, and pressed that point on him for the past several months. I can't see how Ramon could have done what he did without having feelings for me too. I wish he has feelings for me, and it seems like he does, so I need to find out the truth.
How do I do that? I have talked to him, helped him, and flirted with him as much as possible, and I have never really gotten a response from him except a few months ago when he told me that he saw me as just a friend. But now, his actions speak otherwise.
This mixture of thoughts has been running around inside my mind and driving me nuts for about a week. Finally, I turn to my sister, Rachel, and her boyfriend, Darin, for help. After presenting my problem to them, Rachel and Darin look at each other knowingly and both nod their heads. Darin says, “We know what you need to do, but you could risk losing your friendship with Ramon.”
“Just tell me what it is! I'm getting desperate here!”
“You need to
give him a hard on,” Rachel says very matter-of-factly.
“What!?!? How?” I ask.
“Do you have a penis fear, Mackenzie?” Rachel asks.
“I don't know! It's not like I've ever really had a chance to test that out!” Why does that matter; can't she just get to her point?
“Because what you could do…” Rachel grabs Darin's inner thigh and draws it upward toward his dick.
My eyes bug out. “Uhhh, no. I couldn't do that to Ramon.” I shudder at the idea, and shake my head accordingly.
Darin says, “Well, you could do something with your massaging.” Rachel and Darin give each other another look, communicating telepathically.
Darin turns his gaze back to me and says, “What you need to do is massage his bare back too.”
Rachel embellishes, “Start out by giving him just a massage like you usually do, and then just lift his shirt up.” My jaw drops and I stare her down.
“And kiss his back.” Darin advises.
I gape at the two of them like they are crazy, so Rachel states, “You don't have to do it. It's just our suggestion.”
“You do have to think about if it's worth risking your friendship with Ramon,” Darin says.
“Oh, I'm pretty sure that it would be alright. Ramon would not get uncomfortable around me. I just know it.”
“So, you're going to do it?” Rachel asks me.
“Yeah. I mean YES I will.” I'm almost trying to convince myself that I really want to. “I'm soo nervous! But there's no reason to be, because only good could come from it!” I am bouncing up and down with giddy excitement at the prospect of finally having Ramon as my boyfriend.
“Don't get too excited.” Rachel says and smiles. Then she gives me this look like she wants me to leave her room, so I do. I am sure that now Darin and Rachel are madly making out, but I don't care because I am going to get a boyfriend!
The Convenience of Lies Page 3